Well as the subject says I am no longer sure of what to do. About 2 months ago I found out my Wife of nearly 12 years has been cheating for 2 years and that they were primarily friends and only had sex a couple of times. We have a 5 year old son and I love my wife very much and I believe she loves me so I commited myself to resolving our marriage. We went to counseling at our church, read His Needs/Her Needs and started to make sure we addressed them. We have had 2 of the best weeks in our li There was still always a doubt in my mind as to her feelings toward her whatever he was (but he shall be refered to as jerk for now on)so I sent an email that looked like it came from him (dumb move)just to test her. Well I found out from the jerks wife that my wife had called him in response to the email about 2 weeks later which brings us up to the present. Last night I asked my wife if she had called jerk and she told me no. When I told her I new that she had and when she burst into tears and told me that she was just calling to see if the email was really from him or from me, and that it was a very stupid thing for her to do and she was very sorry. Now for the kicker (yes there is more)<BR>I then told her to be totally honest about the relationship with jerk. She then tells me it has been going on for 7 years and they have had sex many times. Now I am not even sure that my son is actually mine although in my heart he is and always will be.(sounds like a Springer episode huh)I am so unsure of what I should do I love my wife so much and I know she loves me. But I don't know if I can ever trust her again. I get physically ill just thinking about touching her. I am going to see my pastor tommorow for guidance and I pray that he can help me. Well if you have read all this I thank you for taking the time for doing so somehow this has been somewhat theraputic.

My situation is not like yours except that I do love my husband very much and would like our marriage restored. There were a few things you mentioned like it making you ill to touch her and trusting her again that made me think to respond with the following. I have learned that trust comes from God. We can't really trust our mates but we can trust God . We have to go to Him for everything.Praise God that your wife has chosen to stay home with you. You mentioned talking to a pastor so I thought you might find this site helpful especially with forgetting and forgiving. It has been a blessing to me. Please check out <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> <BR>Gentle <p>[This message has been edited by gentle (edited November 27, 2000).]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs c64...}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>I know what it feels like to not be able to trust the person that you are supposed to have your closest relationship with.<BR>Our situations are all different though, and all I can do is tell you you are important and special and what to do can only come from inside you.<BR>You may choose to read "Too Good to Leave/Too Bad to Stay" because it is a step-by-step guide to help you decide what to do. It really helped me feel like I made the right decision for me.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>dove

Just a comment on Too good to leave, Too bad to stay. I read the book after I separated, and it helped me to realize how bad it was. I have received much validation from this book. <P>Good choice

Thanks for the advice I told her I wanted a divorce tonight. This sucks I feel like such a failure in my life thus far. I still love her but the thought of her in someone elses arms for 2/3 of my marriage is just to much for me to handle. Is it wrong to want to punish her? Am I being a total idiot by not giving into these feelings I still have for her? And is it normal to be so afraid of what I might miss out on by getting a divorce? Once again thanks for the support.

Hi c64....<BR>My heart goes out to you...<BR>I think from what I've read you are having very normal feelings.<BR>I have been wounded too, in a different way, but hurtful just the same.<BR>I am trying to work through the stages described in the book "Rebuilding When your Relationship Ends". In my situation, I could not think of touching, talking to or even seeing my husband because I found evidence that he wanted to have a relationship with my 15 yr old daughter. That was the grand finale after having been in trouble for sexual harrassment at work, and being unwilling to admit he had a drinking problem which contributed to many violent outbursts.<BR>I tried to keep the feelings for him going thinking he was basically a good guy who made a few mistakes. However, now I know that he wanted the marriage for security while he tinkered with internet sex. There was a time recently when I went to my home state of Ohio and told him when I expected to be back. When I got home(about 9 pm.) he was nowhere to be found. Eventually he came strolling in through the gate, said he'd been out getting some fresh air. No welcome home, no kiss hello... I told him if he went out of state I would be there waiting for him and welcome him home. He let it drop(like many other things) But I always wondered if he felt he had to go for a walk, why didn't he take our dog????? You see, how can you trust? How can you NOT always have those doubts and suspicions?<BR>Thanks for listening. Keep us posted:-)<BR>dove

Just some thoughts for consideration.<P>Given what has happened I would think the place to start is with honesty. Of course that means being honest with yourself.<P>If you look deep inside yourself what do you want? Can you ever see yourself forgiving your W? I said forgive, not forget, you will never forget, can you deal with that?<P>Can you live with the un-answered questions about your child possibly not being your child? Hey, if she was @#(#*& both of you at the same time it's a fifty/fifty chance, can you deal with it?<P>Can you or should you ever trust her again? Do you believe she is now telling you the truth? How do you handle it if she is still lying? Sorry to say it but from what I've seen, cheating spouses will continue to lie about the affair to minimize what they have done regardless of what proof is laid on the table.<P>What about honesty from her? Has she been willing to answer the tough questions? Is she being honest in them? Is she providing you with facts that can be proven? Is she willing to be held accountable for her current actions and time? Is the affair truly over or has it been placed on the back burner until your head is turned? I can't imagine that she has had an ongoing affair for seven years and all of a sudden is willing to end it. (That's why she called him after your e-mail. She is still "attached" to him.) Can you deal with that?<P>I guess in the end it all comes down to how far you are willing to go to keep this marriage together. Can you put aside everything you ever believed was important to an open, trusting, and honest marriage? Are *YOU* ready to accept who and what your wife REALLY IS, instead of what you thought she was?<P>Most important, can you love someone who has lied and cheated you out of something they took a vow to hold more important than anything else?<P>I hate to say it, but all of this is squarely on your shoulders even though you aren't the liar or cheat. You will have to decide if you can deal with what she has done. The only way I know to do that is by starting off being honest with yourself.

As I said I can my son is exactly that I have had him for 5 precious years and I am his father no matter what has happened. I believe she has been finally honest with me and I hope she continues to do so. I have told her that I do intend to go through with the divorce but with one stipulation I want us to still be together afterwards and get remarried later on. I know this sounds stupid and you might be thinking why not just try a separation. Well my feelings are (and I would like some opinions on this) that my marriage now is and has been a lie and it has been over for 7 years. So I would like to close this chapter of my life. But by continuing my relationship and eventally rebuilding it to a newlywed state her love and mine will be stronger than ever and when we get remarried our vows might actually mean something once again. The previous marriage will be in the past and it still will hurt I know that, but the re-affrimation of our vows will give us a clean start and I wont feel like I am just fooling myself by celebrating a previous meaningless marriage but one that is new and once again pure. I am probably a fool thinking like this and I probably could save myself about a grand in lawyer fees by not doing it and just trying to build on what I have. I just have trouble celebrating 12 years of marriage when it should be only about 4 years. Thank you for reading this and any advice positive or negative is much appriciated.

HI c64506,<BR> This is the hard part BUT 70x7. That is how many times God wants us to forgive. 70x7 is a TENTH of the time he forgives us.<BR> Should you forgive her...YES. Should you divorce her (and remarry) NO.<BR> Think of this. Although your son is young, I'm sure he senses something's wrong. What he doesn't understand now, he WILL someday. His maturity will "fill in the blanks" You have to decide WHAT lesson you want to teach HIM. <BR> Do you teach him "For better, for Worse"? or "When the times get tough, the best thing to do is to burn your bridges and start over"? <BR> And BELIEVE me, it really really won't make a difference. Not really. The hurt won't go away with divorce. The hurt won't go away if YOU go away, SHE goes away. Only YOU can make it GO AWAY.<BR> It's said, marriage is a journey, not a destination. This HORRIBLE thing is a PART of your relationship with your W. BUT, as you found for that short period of time, it can be the BEST thing that EVER happened to your marriage. It's all in what you two DO with it.<BR> Now here's the REAL hard part. In order for you to FORGIVE, you need to find out the part YOU played in this. Yes YOU!! Did you deserve it NO WAY. None of us deserve this kind of pain. BUT, only the ones that "get it", what THEY did to create the atmosphere to allow an affair to fine root, EVER make it. <BR> Not to flame Country Guy but... statements like: <BR>"Are *YOU* ready to accept who and what your wife REALLY IS, instead of what you thought she was?"<BR> Are TOTAL BULL... Agh!! He doesn't have a CLUE to ANY of this poor guy <BR> If you believe that for ONE second, you may as well give up now...<BR> <BR> She will tell you she was lonely, this OM made her feel "good" about herself blah, blah, blah. THAT was YOUR job. And if you were DOING your job (AND IF I WAS!!), this loser wouldn't have had a chance!! She wouldn't have "let him close enough" women are more like that than we are.<BR> BUT, now you have the tools. Meet her needs, let her meet yours, but I guarantee one of HER biggest right now is "TRUST". Hard? OH YA!! But, she must love you an AWFUL lot to have stayed. She is in as much (if not more) pain than you are!! She needs you and so does your son. BE THERE, if you can. Pray together with her and put it in God's MIGHTY hands. Don't be afraid to ask him for the MOON, he MADE IT remember??? GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<BR>