I am so sad. I have been trying to resolve since March what to do about my marriage. My husband had an affair since June 99, I found out about it in Dec 99, he moved out in Mar 00, they broke up in Apr 00. We have been struggling about what to do with the marriage ever since. He started dating another woman a few months ago, even while we were talking about getting back together. <P>The most painful thing is seeing the one you love, love someone else. <P>I know we both love each other, but I have been resistant to jumping back in. One, obviously, he won't stop seeing OW #2 to protect himself. What if we don't make it, he says. I won't lose another relationship to be left with nothing, he says. In a sad way, I understood. I couldn't do anything anyway, I had already told him twice the marriage was over.<P>But I recanted. Because I loved him, and missed him, and so wanted everything back the way it was. But (there always is a but)...I had two concerns. A) he was still seeing another women. (hello?) and B) the underlaying issue here is he didn't want to have kids, I did, we never resolved it and I started working very hard and was very unsatisfied with the relationship and withdrew emotionally. There I said it. I take full blame in a sick way for causing the problems. If I only didn't want to have kids, only hadn't withdrawn so much. Hindsight is 20/20 of course.<P>I know the adultery isn't my fault, but I share in the blame of the marriage dynamics and am soooo soo sad. I was a wreck most of the first half of this year and asked for a divorce the first 2 times out of depression. But this time, I decided I can't live in limbo anymore. So, we have been seeing each other, I have been reading books again, I have picked up therapy again. I am not avoiding the issues now.<P>And I am so sad. It is as if we are old acquaintances when we are together, but we go to our respective homes and miss the old person we loved. We get back together and it is not fun, knowing he is seeing her also, and she probably is more fun/cute/sexier than me anyway. Ouch. And, the kids issue again. I keep forgetting about that. <P>But tonight I really realized that he is very resistant to change. That is why he says he wants to come home and acts like he is getting back into the marriage, but when he is here it is like he is a ghost. He doesn't want back in the marriage with me, he just wants part of his life back in this house, with me, etc. Because he doesn't like change. He doesn't like his new life much I know. <P>And, he won't ever be a dad like I'd want a husband to be a father. He would fight it all the way and would not grow from the experience. He doesn't want a family, and I really do. I love my unborn family as much as I love my current husband and this sounds stupid I know but I just decided tonight that I can't make this up in my mind anymore. I can't pretend we'll be OK just because we care deeply about and love each other. We are destined for failure for so many reasons. I can't control his emotions, as much as I'd like to turn him into super-family man. I can't control him loving me again. Without a family, I know I would resort to being a work-aholic again (bad scene for me), and would resent him (done that before) after time. <P>I've known this is doomed, but have spent all summer trying to figure out a way to make this work. I just realized tonight that my dreams, while nice to hang on to, have caved in. Crashed. I actually heard them tonight crash, tinkle, tinkle when my husband left after dinner. The dreams don't have enough oxygen in the real world to take flight and I can't make them happen by myself. It truly does take two. <P>Thanks for listening. It is a sad and scary feeling to let go of hope, even if I am also letting go of confusion and ambiguity at the same time. I am so very sad, I truly love this man and wanted it all to work. We are good for each other in many ways and love each other, albeit like siblings now. I guess we always will have something between us, considering our history and all. <P>Am I just waxing melancholy, or does everyone go through this when they realize a marriage is over?

CJ87,<P>You are not alone in your feelings... we all go through them when the realization hits. Maybe not in the exact same ways, but we all go through it. You are grieving for the relationship, and it is normal.<P>We are here for you... there are many of us here in various stages of the divorce process. I will tell you that it does get better... but it takes some time.<P>{{{{{{{{CJ87}}}}}}}}}<BR>Thougths & Prayers,<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}CJ87!!!!!<BR>I get the same way when I see STBXH (there is a restraining order but I have accidently seen him twice).I just cried and cried.I know I just can't see him...he fills me with doubts and makes me feel like it's all my fault when that isn't so. <BR>I will always love him, but he did things you just don't do to somebody you love and I realize now, that was bad for me and making me "sick" emotionally.<BR>Are you a reader? Try to find "Too Good to Leave/Too Good to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum.<BR>I got it yesterday and read over half of it last night. Even though I have already filed the papers, it has helped me to feel secure that my decision is right for me. Another person at this site recommended the book "Rebuilding when your Relationship Ends" and it is going to be very helpful too.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>dove