Hi there,<P>I survived Thanksgiving, but I have been in a strange sort of nonfunctioning mode for the past few weeks. I owe people emails and I've lurked here on the boards, just can't seem to be able to deal with life or even get the brain working enough to post anything worth reading.<P>Tomorrow is the 2nd meeting in the collaborative divorce proceedings, my attorney only expects us to have one more meeting and it is all over. I'm scared... I know my marriage is over, but the financial stuff is beginning to weigh me down. I've been doing all the stuff around the house that both H and I used to do, trying to put up a good front for the kids... but I'm scared.<P>H stills pops in and acts like nothing is different. I have gotten to the point I start shaking when I see him anymore. I know we are better off without him, so don't understand what is going on.<P>I feel like I am watching the world go by and I am stuck in one place... waiting, always waiting. I guess I am waiting for closure. I suppose I am venting in the fact that H left us, couldn't be bothered to try and work on things, acts as if nothing has happened and that we will be friends forever, and I feel like ten years of my life was a big giant lie. <P>When does one quit shaking in the presence of their ex spouse? When does the brain take over and rule out the heart that still feels crushed? When does one quit having the urge to strangle, kiss, touch, ignore the STBX all at the same time? Is it just the fast approaching divorce that makes this all so bad again, when just a week ago I was fine, or is it the season?<P>I think, too, that STBX has decided he doesn't want to "give up everything and start over" as he stated when he first left, he is now going to start fighting for stuff. I don't want it to get ugly, but I'm sticking to what the kids & I deserve. Unknowns... that is what I am waiting for, waiting for them to become known so I can deal with it. I suppose that is the whole situation, one can't deal with unknowns and that is the scary part.<P>Lori<P>P.S. sorry for rambling on

Hi Lori,<P>Sorry you're down. I certainly think the season has a lot to do with it, as does seeing the attorney. I saw mine on Monday & I was amazed how business like and impersonal the whole process is.<P>I understand how hard it is to take care of the house by yourself. It seems like I'm always just "catching up" with stuff around here.<P>It's especially had for me to endure all the unkowns too. I'm still not sure about a lot of things. In fact, the only thing I'm sure of is sometimes I still can't believe this is really happening. <P>Take care Lori. I know it gets better, I just don't know when.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited November 29, 2000).]

bangarra,<P>My heart goes out to you. I guess having been (still am) in your situation I have a lot of empathy for you.<P>The tough part is there is no way anyone can lift this pain from you. Time heals all wounds. Who ever said that should be drawn and quartered! While it might be true, it's of little value to those that must live through this.<P>What can I say that might be of use? I guess I can tell you the feelings your having are not only "normal" but pretty much expected. Loving/hating the ex seems to be the toughest thing to handle.<P>I love my ex as much as I ever did, unfortunately her actions made me grow to hate her and every wasted moment I spent trying to build a marriage.<P>Hmmm... I wonder if you can truely hate someone without having loved them first? When we are betrayed by strangers or even friends we can be angry but it's not the end of our current life. When a spouse betrays us the hurt is so deep and pronounced it feels as if it will never end.<P>Myself, I take it one day at a time and try not to worry to much about what tommorow will bring. I guess I feel I need life to be kept simple without a lot of planning in order to grieve and heal.<P>In your case, every dream and plan you had about your family and future has been taken from up. Take some time for life to reshape itself, and then form it into something you want it to be.

Lori,<P>I was where you are about 6 months ago, and the one Plan that saved my sanity, and caused me to keep my sanity, and lose the love slowly, is Plan B/Plan A. Plan B is setting a boundary around you as to when and where the STBX can interact with you. You can Plan A, ie be your strong, normal self and show respect,etc. but not just at any time STBX wants to. Minimal contact allows to hurt to come and go in small doses, and then allows your heart heal tougher, like lots of thin coats of paint is much tougher than one thick coat.<P>Stay strong, set the boundaries, and you should get more respect. Yes, division of assets/things is hard. My X wanted out, and I proposed a way to split things equally, she agreed that it was fair and equal, and then afterwards cried and was angry because? who knows, she even trashed part of her car after a negotiation meeting because she was mad? who knows, she wanted it, she agreed to it.<P>so the final negotiations do bring up a lot of feelings, and it is always darkest before the light dawns in the morning.<P>good luck, and hang in there.<P>tom

bangarra,<P>One tradition I have always held to is to begin to listen to xmas music once thanksgiving is over (I have a fairly large collection of xmas cds). This year is a little more difficult knowing it will be my first holiday without her, but I made the decision that I am going to do my best to enjoy best I can this time of year.<P>With that said, last night I heard one of my favorite xmas songs - it is from one of those animated christmas tv shows about the life of Santa Claus (Santa Clause is Coming To Town? Maybe?). It is called "Put One Foot in Front of the Other". Well this year it has so much more meaning to me for two reasons:<P>First, my wife has consistently stated that people can not change - truly change. She has said it so much over the past year (referring to me) that sometimes I catch myself agreeing with her. But this song says it all - "changing from bad to good is as easy as taking your first step"<P>The second message of the song (which I think can relate to your current state of mind) is to "put one foot in front of the other" - Something I think we all need to try and remember. Sure this is a terrible time in our lives, maybe the worst we have experienced, but if we just "put one foot in front of the other" and keep moving forward focusing on the future, we can and will survive.<P>"Put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor<P>Put one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door<P>You never will get where you're going if you never get up on your feet<P>Come on there's a good tail wind blowin..<BR>And a fast walkin man is hard to beat!"<P>This song reminds me of a book I really like: "All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten". Such simple messages for us to apply not only in our current situations, but in our daily lives.<P>I guess what I am trying to say is focus on the "good things" in life and try to look forward to a brighter future because you will get through this. It is so hard to do sometimes, and believe me I can relate, but it is amazing that once you allow yourself some happy thoughts, your whole mood changes.<P>Hugs to you.<BR>God Bless.<P>Mike<BR>

Lori, I know exactly how you feel and i've asked my self the same question over and over, "how can i love him so much and hate him the next?" My attorney called me yesterday to schedule an appointment for friday to finalize my divorce coming up on the 18th. When i hung up i felt this knot in the pit of my stomach. I've been avoiding contact with him and i find i can survive on a day to day basis but the minute i know i'll have to see him again there i go. Its a shame he doesn't realize what he's throwing away. I agree with SoTired2000 put one step in front of the other and take it one step at a time. I used to want to remain friends with STBX but now I'm not so sure thats a good idea since i'll probably always love him too much just to be friends. Hang in there, I think the season also has something to do with it. Every store i go into i see couples together shopping, laughing, families.......its tough! Thank God for my sons and for the SPECIAL present God is giving me this year....a grandbaby for Christmas! (although i have to endure seeing my STBX there too!)<BR>

Thanks for the cheering up! I figured it was probably all natural feelings and all, my attorney confirmed that today.<P>We decided that since I was having such a hard time with STBX that we would stay in separate rooms and the 2 attorneys would go back and forth. Both of them told him to leave me alone, to stop coming over without notice, to quit being "nice" (STBX's version is a hug, kiss, hand holding, etc). H says, "you mean I can't get her a Christmas present?" DUH!!!!! I think he is truly insane and now the attorneys both see how unfeeling he really is. Do you think maybe he gets the idea now?<P>Anyway, progress was made, I should be able to keep the house and all, will have to pay him a bit for equity, but it should be OK. I'll know more tomorrow when I look into a few more options.<P>I am completely shaken up, just want this to be over. yes, I love him still, but I need closure so badly. I can't even look at him without shaking anymore. Attorneys are looking into ASAP next meeting so we can be through before the Christmas holidays.<P>Lori (who is a frazzled emotional mess at the moment)

Lori, <BR>I share exactly in the same feelings. My best analogy is my STBX is like kryptonite and I'm Superman. Every damn time she gets around me I feel my powers weakening. She asked for a divorce, then got mad when I filed. She wanted out a long time ago, and I think thats why this is so damn easy for her to continue to try and manipulate me. She knows I still care. I know I need to keep my distance, otherwise she winds up using me and my good faith. I hate it. We are still living in the same house, she got an apartment and is moving this weekend. So in the last 2 weeks we have slept in opposite bedrooms. Well once again she tried pushing things last night. I came home late from working, to find her in my bed. WHY?!? She said she didn't think I was coming home. So she slept in my bed since the alarm clock was louder in my room. BS is my thought, she only wanted to see if she could push me around some more.<BR> <BR>Lori, I think in your case and mine we truly do have STBX's that are in need of some serious help. Some serious therapy. I have had the shakes, have thrown up, and generally don't like how I feel when my STBX is around. I know I'll be better off without her, but convincing my beaten up heart that is another matter. <P>So Lori I can truly empathize with you. I have heard some of my friends say they got over it overnight, others say it is a gradual change. I believe foremost you need to keep your distance from your STBX. Sounds to me like that is the best thing for you. I know that is difficult, especially when you still care. Know that the rest of us care about you and your future. <P>You obviously are a person of integrity, one that made a vow and truly meant to keep it. That we have to go thru this journey to reach some better place. You will make it. I wish you the best Lori, don't let your STBX use your good faith. I have seen others let that happen, I myself have let it happen to an extent. It's as if the one who is leaving is trying to feel better knowing they can still manipulate us. That's sad. <BR>So keep your distance, for your own good.<BR>We are all pulling for you!<BR>Skyhigh