<BR> How many of you are a victim of the dreaded selective memory in your situation. You know , " I don't love you and never ever really loved you " that selective memory . Is this common , do they ever get over this ?<BR>I had a meeting with my lawyer yesterday , he is trying to work out a comprimise so that my wife can stay in school to the end year ( for the kids ) , but she expects me to maintain a seperate residence and still pay 100% of all of her living expenses. Is this common too ? wanting to have it both ways ? Looks like she only remembers the financial benifits of being married to me , at the risk of really upsetting this my lawyer suggests only paying child support per state guidelines and waiting to the court mandates expenses and I believe he is right.......Love ya all , no news on Mr Brain tumor yet.....

........<BR>..........Mr Brain tumor??????.............<P>I wonder if STBXH can ask for support from me????<BR>That would really stink!<BR>dove

Gary,<P>I think selective memory syndrome is common in most if not all marital breakups at least in some way. Think about it: If you are making a difficult decision about the rest of your life, a decision that may go against the beliefs of others, don't you think you would come up with every reason why "your decision" is right? Wouldn't you try to rationalize your decision in any way you could? It is not right, but I believe it is human nature. The next question is "how long can you continue to rationalize?". I think for some they do it their whole lives - they are the everyday actors we see and live with. But I think the majority fall into another category - a category we refer to here at MB as "in the fog". I believe that it is only a matter of time until that "fog" lifts and they begin to realize that there was much more to their marriages than just the "bad" they have been focusing on.<P>This is exemplified by the wayward spouses who decide they want to try again months/years after their separations and divorces.<P>Finally on the expenses issue, I think that the angry wayward spouse again is able to rationalize everything that they "deserve". They think they are entitled to everything they want because in their minds, they put up with their spouse for so long. It is also very easy for greed to enter into the picture. On this issue I suggest you hold your ground - you are in a much better position to decide what is fair. Also keep in mind that your attorney's position is to get the "best" for you and that may not always be fair. Go with your gut feeling, but don't just give in to her out of some feeling of loyalty.<P>Hang in there guy.<BR>Mike

<BR>See John Gottman's books <I>Why Marriages Succeed or Fail</I> and <I>The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work</I> for a discussion on selective memory. Its actually a big predictor of impending divorce, especially if men show selective memory.<P>Bystander

Well, as usual, I can't top Mike. My advice would be to listen to him!<P>It is VERY, VERY common for spouses to have selective memory. Speaking from my personal experience, my spouse remembers the bad, forgets the good, and also goes back on every promise he's made. However, since my eyes are somewhat open, I believe this is par for the course and I was not totally shocked by that behavior. <P>It is also VERY, VERY common for spouses to want it both ways. Once again, speaking from my personal experience, my spouse wanted to dump me for another woman, but I was supposed to stay and run his company so he would look successful. Since I DIDN'T stay at the company, I'm supposed to support myself, my kids, him and his OW on my little salary! I think this is an excellent example of what Mike has called, "the fog." The spouse is unwilling to accept the fact that there are consequences to their actions AND that they are going to be diminished because of the choice they are making. Once again, this is pretty common and I kind of expected it.<P>The thing that isn't addressed as much, though, is that even though we can know ahead how the stbx may act, or know that certain behavior is common, that doesn't diminish the way it throws us off balance and hurts our little hearts. That's what this forum is for...friends. Friends to turn to when your spouse does something that you know perfectly well is common, but it still knocks you off course. That's when you come here to get a hug, a joke, or a boost. That's when you email your friends and vent. That's when you take a little time for yourself and let us give to you.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gary}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>p.s. Please let us know as soon as you hear any word about Mr. Brain Tumor. You're still in my thoughts and prayers every day.<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.