Please help me figure this one out. My wife & I have been married for 3 1/2 ys. Our relationship was one that we both always thought of a being great. We had often commented to each other "why can't they just get along as well as we do?", when hearing friends argue or hurt each other.<p>In July 4th we found out that we were going to have a baby (our 1st) and were both very excited about it, as we had been trying for almost a year. We had become very attached to the unborn child right off the bat. We had already named it and were refering to it by the name. In Sept, we went fot the 1st ultra sound and found out that the baby had not developed. It is what is called a blighted ovum, and is where the egg was fertilized but that a baby never began developing. Needless to say we were both devistated. We had already planned a weekend outing with our best friends, and my wife said that she wanted to go on te trip, so that we could have some time before we had to start telling everyone of the loss. We made an appointment to have a D&C done on her the following Thursday.<p>While on the trip, my wife started miscarring our 2nd night there. I had to rush her to a hospital about 45 minutes from where we were staying, and they had to do an emergency D&C.<p>After returning home, for the next several weeks my wife had very painful problems as a result of the miscarriage (remaining tissue from the D&C, ovarian cysts, and bad infections). The OB/GYN then told her that she would have to start back on birth control for the next 4 months to try and regulate her hormones and stop the ovarian cysts. That evening when she told me about having to go back on birth control for 4 months she was very depressed. For the past several weeks she had been very "short" with me and extremely moody. I had figured that it was all due to the hormone problems she had been having since the miscarriage, so I overlooked the sharp remarks and "let it go".<p>The 1st part of Nov, on the night before my birthday, I started loving on my wife and she pulled away from me, which is something that she had never done before. Again, I figured that her hormones were still out of balance so I just rolled over on my side of the bed. She then asked me if I thought we should talk. I said okay, and she then started asking if I was happy with our marriage. I told her that things hadn't been as great as they normally were but yes I was happy. She then told me that she wasn't real happy right now. After getting over the shock, I asked her if she wanted out, and she said that she didn't know. We talked several more hours that night with nothing else really being addressed. She pretty much ended it by saying that she wanted us to talk to each other more, and tell each other when there was a problem so that our marriage wouldn't end up in a divorce. I agreed to this.<p>The next night (my birthday) she finally came home a little before midnight, saying that work had kept her out late. (We are both police investigators, so this is not uncommon). She gave me my birthday present and then went and dressed for bed. When I asked her if she wanted to talk some more about the previous night's statment, she replied sure. I did most of the talking, with her not really adding anything to the conversation. The only thing she really said is "how would you feel about me staying at my parent's house a couple of days?" I told her that I didn't want that to happen.<p>The next day I talked to her for a few minutes, while she was at her best friend's office. I could tell that she had been crying. That night she came in and I asked her again if she wanted to talk some more and she said sure. She only would say that she wasn't sure if she still wanted to be married to me any more. She maintained that she still loved me but that she was just "confused". Then she told me that she was going to stay w/ her parents for a couple of days. I tried to get her to stay but she said that she just needed to get away for a day or so. She did keep telling me that it was not anything that I had done or not done that it was "just her".<p>The following week we got an appointment w/ her OB/GYN. We told him of the problem and he stated that he thought she might be going through a stage of depression from the loss of the baby. He prescribed Paxil and scheduled a follow-up a month later. We went to the mountains that weekend, to see how things might be. Nothing was accomplished at all during that trip. She really avoided any discussion as to what was going on.<p>The next week I got her to go to a 2nd OB/GYN for a 2nd opinion. He pretty much agreed down th line with the 1st Dr. Both had suggested a counselor. We agreed to schedule an appointment w/ a counselor that week.<p><br>That following weekend we went to the beach for the weekend, again to try and see what we could work out. While at the beach, with relatives who had small children, my wife was almost inseperable from the children. Once when the movie "Look Who's Talking Now" was on and the part where the babies are "talking" to each other, which most folks view as funny, my wife was almost in tears.<p>The next week I went to meet w/ the counselor 1st and pretty much told her anything & everything I could think of that had happened lately. She said that she felt that my wife was probably depressed due to the miscarriage also. I should also point out that since the m/c my wife has not spoke about the baby or the m/c any. Also my wife's younger sister is pregnant, and is due only a month or so ahead of when our due date would have been.<p>A short time after this I was going through our phone bills, and noticed calls to a neighboring town that we really didn't know anyone in. When I ran down the phone number it came back to a bussiness that we didn't have any dealings with. I have since learned that a guy who grew up w/ my wife and her sister works at that bussiness. I had found only 3 calls to that number, however one of them was at 11pm one night.<p>2 weeks ago my wife and our best friends went on a week long trip to Las Vegas. We had planned this trip since march of this year. My wife kept saying to me and her family that whe was looking foward to the trip & hoped that it would help things in our marriage. Long story short the trip did not help reslove anything. As soon as we got back my wife had re-packed some more clothes to take to her parent's.<p>I told her that if she left I would see an attorney that week. She said that she didn't want that to happen, but was still not willing to stay. I offered to compromise and told her that if she felt more comfortable at her parent's then why didn't we both go. During the trip to Vegas she had finally admitted that she enjoyed being with me and all but that at night when we went to our room, she became uncomfortable with the thought that I would want to have sex, and that she didn't want to. (having "chatted" w/ several women on a pregnancy loss bulletin board I knew that this was common for women who had experienced a miscarriage) I told her that that way she would feel comfortable at her parent's but that we could still be together trying to work things out in a "safe" environment. She finally agreed to this after I told her that if she didn't I was going to the attorney's office.<p>For the next 2 days everything went pretty well. Then the next day we went for our 3rd session with the counselor. She told my wife that if I wanted to see an attorney, that "is his problem, not yours." She suggested my wife move back home but that we sleep in seperate rooms (which I had already suggested), but my wife wouldn't agree to this either. After leaving the counselor that day, I returned back home as she had suggested.<p>That weekend my wife's office had their Christmas party. My wife called and said that she wanted me to go with her, I asked her what time she wanted me to pick he up. She absoutely refused to let me pick her up and take her back to her parents that night. We met at the party and after about 3 hrs., she siad that she was ready to go home, and take something for a headache. I walked her to her car and said good by. I stayed another hour and then went home myself.<p>The next day I was at her parent's house when it was mentioned that she hadn't gotten home until 1:30 or 2:00 am. She had left the party at 10 opm, and only had a 30 min. drive. When I asked her where she went after the party, she got a "deer in the headlights look" and then said that she stopped up town and talked w/ the Sherrif and a city police officer. (You have to understand that in the town her parents live nobody is usally out past midnight, and the Sheriff is rarely out past 8pm).<p>Later I found out that she had told her parents that there was one other person in town that night, the person who works at the phone number she had been calling.<p>This past week all of this came out at the 4th session with the counselor. I told them that I was beginning to feel like my wife might be having an affair, and explained the staying out late after the party, and then the response when I asked her where she went after the party, and then when I asked her who she had been calling in the nearby town, she immediatly said his name. her explination for the calls was that he had paged her a couple of times to tell her about some land in the county were were looking to buy a farm. I just don't see calling someone about land a 11:00pm (when one of the calls occured).<p>The only other things which have occurred lately to arouse suspicion are: my wife had used to always leave her pager on "beep" and has recently been keeping it on "vibrate", recently we were eating out and she ordered a diffrent brand of beer with her dinner and had me buy a 6pack of this brand (I know this sound's trivial, but my wife has in the past driven to the store to buy her regular brand of beer when the brand she ordered that night was in our fridg.) She has recently talked about putting a seperate phone line into her parent's house in the room she's staying in.<p>Right now my wife maintains that she is not seeing anyone else, has not had an affair, still loves me, but is not sure that she want's to work things out.<p>PLEASE HELP!!! If my wife is in some type of depression, as 2 seperate Dr.'s suggest then I do not want to abandon her and just give up; however if she is having an affair, I'm not going to ignore the signs I keep seeing.

It sounds like your wife is suffering from depression and may be having an affair. However, you need to obtain evidence either way before you can make any kind of decision as what to do. It is possible she may need space from you to come to terms with her grief. Unfortunately her behaviour may indicate otherwise but could still be all innocent. One should normally trust your spouse but it seems that your wive's behaviour may require you to do some snooping. Best of luck.

it sounds like your wife is blaming you for the m/c. And she is having an affair make no mistake about it. You are a police officer so you know that when the evidence points to something that is usally what it is. She may not be having a physical realsionship with this man but she is defentily having an emotional one. It maybe that she does not think you want her because of the m/c. Have you comforted her or treated her like a woman since that happened. She may just need to be viewed as special by herself as a woman not as a baby machine. She is looking for something that you are not giving her but the other man is. If you want to save your marriage you need to find out want that is and give it to her. Either that or step back and let the other man try to meet all of her needs. Either way you need to take action now before this goes to far. I hope you two can work things out

Rustynail67----Unfortunately, you are right in saying that because I'm a cop that I know where evidence usally leads. As far as your questions as to whether or not I have expressed affection for her whether or not she can have children, the answer is yes. I told her that I would love for us to have a child of our own but if for some reason that could not happen, then I would not be opposed to adoption. She knows that I am sincere about this because I was raised as a foster child.<p>I have even told her that I believe that she is having an affair, and that if that was the case I just needed to know for my own sanity at this point. I told her that I felt that she belives that she has found someone and is either afraid to tell me and what I might do, or that she is not yet sure about this other relationship and was just keeping me around until she figured out which way it would go.<p>She maintains that there is not anyone else. And while I would like to believe her (I've even tried to make up excuses to explain her conduct), I feel sure that there is an affair happening (I had not considered the physical vs emotional diffrence you pointed out).<p>The one thing I'm trying to do at this point is gather "solid evidence" to add to the "circumstancial evidence" I have thus far. What is really bad is that her family is helping me gather this evidence, for they are as confused about the whole situation as I am.<p>She has agreed to go with me to see a Psychiatrist, as her Dr. recommended, as soon as I can get her an appointment.<p>I understand the concept of breaking off all contact with her to allow her to see if "the other guy" can fufill her emotional needs, but at the same time, still not being sure if this is depression related or not, I am concerned that she will feel that I have gave up on "us", and that she migt as well also. If there was just the "affair" issue to consider here then I agree with the idea of let her see just "how fufilling he is". However, being concerned that she is not thinking (or acting) rational at this point I am confused as to how to proceed.<p>Thanks for your response to my post, as I said you pointed out something that I had not considered till now (the emotional vs physical affair). I really wish someone who had been through a situation similar to ours could offer me some insight as to the depression role in all this.<p>Thanks again.

PCC, I can offer a little insight based on the experience of a friend years ago when I was at college. He and his girlfriend were planning to marry. They discovered that she was pregnant and were excited about it. She had a miscarriage and subsequently behaved in almost exactly the same way as you describe your wife's behavior, including not allowing him to touch her in a sexual way.<p>That said, I can't say that she is not getting some emotional support from her friend. If she is suffering from depresssion (and believe me all those hormones and chemicals are all inter-related and mess with each other when disturbed), then she probably doesn't even know how close she is to having an all-out affair. In addition, if it is still just an "emotional affair" she most likely doesn't recognize it as an affair at all.<p>How long has she been taking the anti-depressant? If it has been less than 6 weeks to two months, it probably hasn't "kicked in" yet. I hope she has continued to take it - it won't work if she doesn't take it regularly for at least the first couple of months ... after that missing one here and there is not a problem.<p>I am on Zoloft, a similar anti-depressant, and cannot begin to explain how much different I feel - how much better. I didn't know how bad I felt until I felt better!<p>I hope you can discover the truth and that your wife recovers completely. I hope she is not having an affair, and I hope she is taking her depression meds. Depression is a nasty insidious illness and causes all kinds of problems in marriage, especially when it goes unrecognized and untreated.<p>Good luck!<p>terri

terri & others,<p>Thanks for sharing your info. As to how long she has been on the anti-depressant; her Dr. prescribed them for her about a month and 1/2 ago. We (her family & I) were worried that she had ran out and stopped taking them a week or so ago, so her Dr. sent her some more samples last week. She told me that she had not yet ran out and has been taking them regularly.<p>After reading rustynail67's follow-up tonight, I talked w/ my wife's best friend. Due to the holidays she had not been brought up to date as to the info on the fact that my wife confirmed that her friend was in fact the person I had suspected she was calling. One of the statments that my wife made when questioned about the possibility of an affair (once when I questioned her and again when it came up during our last counseling session) was "...I'm not having an affair, nothing happened. I haven't done anything that I'm ashamed of."<p>After talking about this, she and I both are more convinced that she might still be in the "emotional" stages of an affair and still not have entered a "physical" stage.<p>My question is that if this is what is going on, how do I address it w/ her and hopefully avoid it reaching the "physical" stage?<p>I have printed the MB concepts and given a copy to her to read. She agreed w/ me that there are some areas that we each fit in. I also printed the Emotional Needs questionaire and gave her a copy. I have finished my copy, but as far as I know she still has not finished hers. She had told me that she would fill her's out when I gave it to her, but has said nothing about it since then.<p>I also have printed out the Love Buster's questionaire, but have not given it to her because I was still waiting on her to do the Emotional Needs one.<p>It's as though she really dosen't care whether or not things are worked out or not.<br>

pcc,<br>i read your reply and thought I could offer some insight into depression. I have severed thru depression in my marriage because I believed that my wife was having an affair which turned out to be true. My depression also stemmed from the fact that my wife quit meeting my needs because of hurtful words and judgemental statments made my both of us. Depression is a terrible deiease. it effects every aspect of your life personal, marital, occupational. Depression can last for a very long time and it becomes a self fulling prophecy. For instance your wife is depressed she feels unworthy, unsure, ect it maybe true but is probably false regardless it is the way SHE FEELS so to her it is true. So she tries to come out of it on her own but she does not confide in you because of irratioanal fears and confictions that you are the cause of it(this maybe true or not but it is the way she feels). so she confides in someone else who is safe at the moment the other man. He seems to help because the reasons she got depressed is not in her face(i.e the m/c) she is not as depressed around him he makes her feel better. When she is around you she is reminded of the probelms so she does everything in her power to distance herself from you. it seems to help some but what she doesn't understand is that as she distance herself the tempory relief she feels will not last that as long as the problem is unresolved the depression will reacurr. it could be in two weeks or two months or two years or ten years. Depression is a single from your sub-conciese that something is wrong but when your conciense tries to avoid your problem the sub-conciense does not allow it so every attemp to avoid it only leads to a more depressed state. That where medication helps it gets your body back in chemical balance but it DOESNOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM. The best thing you could do for her is be around her as much as possible while the medicene begins to work. Let her see that you are not the reason for her depression avoid love busters treat her good, consistently and affectionate. Take every oppurtunity to make each experience you a pleasent safe happy one. She will begin to see that you are not the problem but her feelings of lose is. Do put up with her friendship with the om. State your feelings fluently but non judgemental. Let her see that with you she can have it all. The medicene will help with her indifferenc but you must show her that her only logical option for happiness is with you or you must walk away and hope for the best. I am a man of action and find it very hard to let time take its course. I push and am persistent to a fault. I have learned in the last month that sometimes patience is the right course but only you can decide what course to take. both have their good and bad points. My suggestion for you is to let the medicene treat the physical effects of depression and you treat her emtional feelings that caused it to begin with not her friend and both of you treat the martial problems. take one at a time they will overlap to some degree but each needs to be treated in the right order at the right time do not push her in any thing except to break off contact with her friend. Let her body heal and mind heal, then heal her hurts, then heal your marriage. have patience and faith in God to lead you in the right path but you need to have a plan and stick by it. Either be everything to her or be nothing that is you only way each will solve the problem because she will be required to change and heal one way or the other but the one way you risk smothering her the other you risk alienating her but you can't do a little of both because then she will not be required to change. Only by your knowledge of her and her reactions can you chose which path to take ask God for guiedence I did and he showed me a path to not only get out of my depression but hopefully to save my marriage. I will be think about you and I hope you find the right answers.

PCC, remember that the first rule of marriage is the rule of protection: eliminate love busters. I wouldn't necessarily hold off on the love busters questionnaire unless you believe that too many questionnaires all at once will be a love buster!<p>Especially when a spouse is in depression we must provide a safe and comfortable haven for them in order for them to want to be with us. You will probably have to treat this as if there is an affair going on - no accusations, just use the strategies described on this site. It is possible that she has left not so much because of emotional needs not being met as because she feels emotionally threatened somehow. Her depression over the miscarriage is most likely causing her to perceive things incorrectly.<p>With any luck, her anti-depressants should kick in very soon (6 wks. to 2 months for some), and you will see some improvement in her ability to deal with life again. If not, a suggestion to the doctor that her dosage might need to be raised slightly could be in order. If she has continued to take them, she may very well be starting to feel some benefit from them, but she is the only one who knows that.<p>Keep in mind that she has had a very awful thing happen to her and she is questioning everything - maybe she feels unworthy of your love because of the problem with the pregnancy. Her friend may be simply be offering a shoulder to cry on - maybe she feels that she cannot share her burden with you because you have your own burden. It might be a good idea for you to talk about the miscarriage ... maybe expressing that you realize you can't truly know how she feels, but you felt ____ and want to support her in any way you can...<p>I don't know. It is not a good thing, I don't think, that she hasn't talked about the baby or the miscarriage. If she's not talking to you about it, she might be talking to her friend - and that puts her in a position that is vulnerable to an affair for certain. If she's not talking to her friend, then she's bottling it up inside and that's bad too.<p>I wish I could offer you more insight. Has the counselor addressed the issue of the miscarriage?<p>terri<p>

rustynail67 & terri,<p>Thanks to both of you for your imput and suggestions. As I said earlier, the main thing that I need to know right now is whether or not I am right in my suspicions. That way I will know better how to apporach the problem.<p>I think I have figured out a way to find out if I am right in the suspicions. I'm going to try it today and see what happens.<p>terri, as far as the counselor addressing the m/c issue; the answer is NO. At the end of our 3rd session, which was the 1st session that we were both present the whole time, I even specifically raised the issue w/ her. I stated that during our first session she had told me that she suspected that my wife was suffering from depression as a result of the m/c, but since that time no other mention about the m/c has ever occured. I asked th counselor if she still thought that this was possibly a factor in our problems. The counselors response was "...you are trying to identify a problem, and fix it; which is not what you should be doing at this time." HELL I THOUGHT THAT'S WHY PEOPLE WENT TO A COUNSELOR.....TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS CAUSING PROBLEMS AND THEN ATTEMPT TO CORRECT THOSE THINGS!!!!! Needless to say we have both agreed that this counselor is doing NOTHING which seems to be of any help. I am in the process today of trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Good lucking finding the RIGHT counselor that can help you solve your problems. Over the years, my wife and I sought the help of marriage counseling several times. One guy I remember my wife seeing for counseling (by herself) had got divorced himself recently, and was urging her to do the same. Misery loves company, I guess. <p>More recently, we saw another guy together off and on for a period of more than two years. He was one of the most wishy-washy people I've ever met -- was absolutely no help at all.<p>Another guy told my wife things she didn't want to hear (sounded great to me!!!!), and so she didn't want to see him any more. <p>Another woman, who is now my wife's best friend, is a self-proclaimed therapist who counsels abused women. She's convinced my wife that she's in an abusive marriage, and that I am the source of all her problems -- that I need serious help with anger management problems. She even put that in writing in a document that was filed in court.<p>Meanwhile, my wife is on medication for bi-polar disorder, which is a serious mental illness that affects not only the patient, but everyone close to them. I've done a lot of reading about this illness, and it quite accurately describes many of the problems we (I) have had to endure.<p>Back in November, we went to see yet another therapist, even though we're separated, to help us work through the many issues we need to resolve. This woman seemed to really understand where we were at, and offered some helpful, insightful suggestions. Finally, it seemed that we'd found the right person for US.<p>My wife was supposed to set up another appointment for us more than a month ago, but when I asked her about it she told me that she had called and left a message, but that the woman hadn't returned the call. I suspected she wasn't being truthful with me, so I called the woman myself to set up an appointment. I left the message on her voice mail (more than two weeks ago), and guess what? She never returned my call! What's with that??? We finally find someone who really might be able to help us, and we can't even get a follow-up appointment!<p>Just a thought -- maybe she was so overwhelmed by OUR problems that it sent HER into depression! Ha!<p>Good luck finding someone for you. Seriously, I'm not trying to sound sarcastic. There are good therapists out there, but unfortunately finding the right one is more like a game of chance at the fair than a science.

There is a good, comprehensive list of things to look for when looking for a counselor at the counseling page of this website. There is a link to it at the top of this page. Read it and do it all when you look for a counselor.<p>In addition, you might want to ask if they have heard of "Solution Oriented Brief Therapy" - this is mentioned in the Michele Weiner-Davis Book "Divorce Busting" and is referred to as "Brief Therapy" for short. The title says it all - the therapist will be interested in just what PCC is saying his therapist is not interested in: Finding what the immediate problems are, identifying possible solutions to the problems and planning a course of action to implement the solutions. While some things do require a backwards look at your upbringing, most problems simply require a plan to solve them and acting on the plan.<p>Also, check and see if your counselor is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors (I think that is the organization). These counselors are supposed to emphasize staying together as opposed to trying to save an individual.<p>And don't forget that this site offers telephone counseling with counselors trained in these very concepts and techniques. I don't know if Steve Harley does a lot of the actual counseling but everyone who has used the telephone counseling has indicated it has been extremely helpful. I wish I could afford it!<p>Hope some of this has helped someone.<p>terri

The solution to whether your wife is having an affair could be settled very easily by hiring a private investigator. This way your position as a police officer would not jeopardized.

UPDATE: Last Monday I went to my wife's parents w/ the intent of telling her that if she wasn't willing to try and do something toward saving our marriage that I was going to file for a divorce. This is not what I want, but I want her to take SOME action towards taking steps (even if they are just baby steps) to address our problems.<p>I had hoped to enlist the help of her family, who have been very supportive of me and likewise feel that something needs to be done. However, when I mentioned to her parents that I need their support in convencing my wife that we need to make some kind of attempts to resolve this one way or another, they just wanted to "not rock the boat." Her father made sure before finishing dinner that he call a friend over to go over some material w/ him (thus making him unavailable), her mother rembered that she needed to finish something in the office located next door to the house, etc. <p>I mean I understand their situation, this IS their daughter, and they want to help her and be supportive of her. What decent parent wouldn't? However, even though they know, and have expressed to me that they feel that their daughter needs to return home and attempt to work out things, they are doing like her and doing everything to avoid the problem.<p>As it ended up, my wife & I got in our truck and rode down the road a couple of miles, and parked so that we could talk, without anyone constantly walking by and interrupting our conversation.<p>I explained to her that I wanted to believe everything that she had told me concerning her male friend. That she had never given me any reason in the past not to trust her, but that under the present circumstances, I couldn't help but have my suspicions. She agreed and told me that she understood how it had appeared, but still insists that nothing is happening between her and her friend.<p>I'm still not sure what to believe. Understand that for the past 18 ys I have been an investigator, for the past 14 ys I have also instructed police officers. One of the areas I have taught is interviews and interrogations. Don't get me wrong, I did not interrogate my wife! However, there were several responses that my wife gave which often indicate deception. the problem in this situation is that these indicators are also often invalid on persons experiencing mental problems. So I wonder if she is being partially deceptive, or is the depression causing "mixed signals" to be sent?<p>We ended up talking for over 4 hrs. that night. We pretty much opened up our souls to each other. This was the first time since leaving home that my wife showed ANY emotion whatsoever. At one point during our talk, which was very calm, reasonable, and no accusing of each other, she cried for a solid hour.<p>We have agreed to schedule (and have already done so) a session w/ Steve Harley for next week. I am really hopeful that it will do us some good. I will keep ya'll informed.<p>I feel that if this does not work that my wife is, at this point, ready to give up. We have also spoken w/ a psychiatrist who wants to interview my wife to see if he feels that there is an actual depression problem here. He has indicated that if so he will be willing to manage any needed drug (anti-depressive) therapy, in conjunction with the counseling we have sought with Steve Harley.<p>The bigest challange now is going to be to get my wife to return home so that we can start putting love credits in our emotional banks. And also, so that she might start addressing the depression issue. Pleas pray for us!

PCC,<br>I am glad that you wife choose to return to conflict instead of leaving in withdrawal. One note: Her parents actions show the way she was raised. Instead of facing a problem Both parents run from it. Is it any wonder that that is your wife's first impulse. Give her time. Do not make demands. It will only make her run more. I know. It is so hard to be ready to fly and your spouse is still sitting on her hands looking at you like you are crazy. One suggestion divide your conversations up. One talk apart normal things. The next talk about you. Give her breaks and reasons to see that there is fun and good times in your marriage. If you don't and all she sees are problems she will run my wife is the same way. I have found this technique a very useful one to lead her from withdrawal but at the same time give her her space it is a very small tightrope through. One I am constantaly falling off. but it does work. Praying for you.

PCC<br>You need to get to the bottom of the affair issue first ( at least in my opinion). How can any rebuilding occur if there is an affair going on? I don't want to sound negative but if you read my post "she sees me as a brother/father figure" you may understand why I feel this way. My wife had the affair and doesn't want the divorce, but also says she has no intimate feelings for me. I for one know the feeling of frustration and hopelessness that goes with the situation you are in.. Hopefully she is just in some type of depression but with the evidence you have described, I wouldn't bet on it.

rustynail67, RSchroeder, and all:<p>Had my first session w/ Steve Harley today. Although my wife was not present, she had gotten called out an hour or so before the session was scheduled (not sure if it was necessary or just another way of avoiding everything???), but I felt the session was benificial to me at least. Hopefully she will reschedule for sometime this week.<p>As far as the question of an affair or not, while I am not trying to place myself in denial as to if it is/has happened, right now the most important thing is to save the marriage. I know that a lot of people (including myself) have always believed that if their spouse had an affair that they could no longer remain in the marriage. I love my wife so much that, right now at least, I honestly believe that we could work through an affair if she is willing to also.<p>Steve gave me what sounds as a good approach to encourage her to become involved in the counseling. Hopefully it will work and hopefully she is willing to participate, and today (missing the appointment) was actually something that she could not help.<p>When I talked to her later tonight, after the session, I tried to act as if everything was normal right now, being careful not to show my hurt and disappointment in her not making the session. I pretty much stayed cheerful sounding while we talked, and acted as though we used to when we were seperated overnight due to work (as opposed to being seperated because she had left). <p>Her responses were more "normal" and less guarded as well and her tone of voice was more cheerful and relaxed also. (hopefully I was able to add a few "love credits").<p>Please keep praying for us!! Thanks All!