A friend of mine sent me here, said it might help. <P>I have been married now for about 3 years. We have been in counseling for about 2 years now. We both come from homes with major problems. Mine was very physicaly and emontionaly abusive. Hers was sexual and emontional abuse. We were both about 30 when we got married. First marriage for both of us. We have made mistakes. We never meant to hurt the other but we have. We have not had sex in about 6 months. I know that I have withdrawn. It got bad, we would often fight when trying to have sex. Between fear of a fight and the feeling of obligation I don't want to have sex with her now. I am afraid to touch her since it feels like to me that she might start crying again. I am not dealing well with that. We are now fighting about things that I though were taken care of years ago. It seems like the only time she listens to me are the times she breaks down and cries. The last thing I want to do is make her cry.<P>The reason that counseling was even started is that we had a huge fight about something small in which she started exchange me with he father ( he sexualy abused her). I pointed out that I was not her father and to quit bringing him up. She lost it and grabbed me to shove me around. At that point I lost it big time. I did not hit her but with my history of abuse that is a big problem. I tore into her badly. To the point that I lost my voice for a few days. I almost walked out then. I told her counseling or that was it. I still have not forgiven her for pushing me that far. I had not let myself get that angry for many years. We went to counseling and things got better for a while. <P>At the time we were living in a house that was provided as part of her job. We want kids but I did not want them till we had a house of our own. This caused some problems also. When we got a house she would not talk about kids for a long time. More problems. <P>To make things worse she needs to be around people much more than I can stand. She is an extrovert and I am very much an introvert. Some of her friends really bug me. One of them is so bad that I have banned her from the house. Yes it is extreme but this person I am so ill at ease with that I don't trust her in my house when I can not watch her and I do not want to be in the same room with her. Don't get me wrong I like most of her friends but this one...arg.<P><BR>Anyway this gives you some background. Now it has gotten to the point that she wants rules as to who does what around the house. I have been fighting off a virus then a cold back to back. You know, just not feeling well. I even took time off from work. She pops in and says ok your turn to clean up the kicthen. Huh? If I am sick enough to stay home from work do you really think I feel like cleaning the kicthen? It took getting the counseler to ask her to sit near me for her to do that again. I mean I would sit on the couch and she would go sit in a chair rather then beside me when there is a show on that in the past we would noth watch. She has only acted like a wife would in about 3 days out of the last month. Most of the time she has been acting like a room mate.<P>Now to make matters worse. I met someone else that I connected to. No we did not have sex but we both felt a pull. We both knew I had to leave or else. <P>I love my wife but I am not happy. I do not love this other woman but who knows what could happen. Yes I was thinking of leaving before I met this other woman. Now I am so damm torn. My wife is a good person. I just don't know what to do. No matter what I do from here on out there will always be a "what if" in my mind. Would I love for me and my wife to get things back on track so that we could have a healthy relationship and kids? God yes. Will we? I don't know.

Oh my.<P>You do have a problem.<P>Are you seeing a counselor only together. I compare going to counseling to takin your car to the mechanic. <P>The car is broken because the parts are broken. If all the mechanic has on the shelf are broken parts, the car can't be fixed. In the same way, a marriage doesn't work because the people are broken. If the counselor has only broken people to work with, there's not much that can be done with the marriage. You need to fix the people first. <P>You might be smart to both do some individual counseling first and start coming to grips with your own issues before you can get anywhere with the marital issues.<P>However, that's just my opinion. A lot of people here have done counseling with one of the Harleys and swear by them. I will also say that there is not a single counselor who can do any good if the clients don't do a lot of work and some counselors may not do any good for certain situations. Many people have had to try different counselors before they could find one that felt right.<P>Good Luck.