I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 yrs. Have had our share of ups and downs but last night when my fiance & I made love I felt nothing sexually or emotionally. I don't know how to deal with this i'm 24 he is 28 and he knows hopw I feel he fears that I will leave him. his solution last night was to go for a walk we didn't discuss it then he just avoid the subject. I don't know what to do. If there is anyone out there who may understand. We had a miscarriage 2 yrs ago & now I'm not sure weather we should even try again or not.???? please help massively confused

kiki_44, I have read that miscarriage can have a profound effect on both a woman's sexuality and her relationship with her significant other.<p>First of all, I will allow myself the luxury of making a moral statement: I don't think it is appropriate for a couple who is unmarried to try to have children. If you want some "back-up" for my beliefs, read the section on this website about Living Together Before Marriage. Apparently statistics show that couples who live together before they marry have a higher than average rate of divorce. Add a child to this mix and you have a disaster waiting to happen - one which can only hurt the innocent child. Of course, this is my opinion and many people do not believe the same way I do.<p>That said, you need to look at the reasons you are with your fiance. Does it have to do with your pregancy? Is it possible that you both feel obligated because of that? Is it possible that he feels obligated to be with you because of your miscarriage or that you feel obligated because of that? When I was 18 years old, I had an abortion. It has haunted me ever since. I felt an obligation to stay with the man who I was with at the time. My moral standards told me that it was okay to have sex with a man you were going to marry - and that it wasn't so bad to be pregnant before you were married as long as you were going to get married anyway. Well, that really screwed me up for a long time. After I broke up with this guy, I became somewhat ... less discriminating in my choices of partners - I attribute this to a deeply buried sense that I must be a "bad girl" for having been pregnant without being married and for having had an abortion. I believe that this has haunted me for a long time and could even be at the heart of the depressions I've endured over the years (it has been 20 years plus).<p>What I am trying to say is that you both need to examine your relationship. You may feel nothing for him right now because of depression over the miscarriage (I especially feel that may be so because you made a point of mentioning it, even though it has been two years since it occurred). Individual counseling - the kind that is designed to get to the heart of your feelings - sounds like your best option. He should get counseling, too. People don't realize it, but men feel the grief of losing a child to miscarriage, but because of our socialization, they internalize it and don't express it. He may also feel relief to some extent, because a child can represent many things to a single man - especially if he is tied to the mother because of it.<p>I don't know the details of your engagement or your relationship, and encourage you to share them with us so we can offer more support and help. But counseling could be your best bet right now. You are confused - you feel as though you should feel something for your fiance, and it may be that you have fallen out of love with him, or that your own guilt/hurt/other emotion is simply obscuring or interfering with your ability to love him at this time.<p>I hope that some of this made sense and maybe offered you some help. Please write again.<p>terri

Dear KiKi-44, First of all I want to say that your short post sounds similar to mine (see the listing in this forum "Is my wife in depression or an affair?") with the roles reversed. All I know is that if you believe that the miscarriage is a factor in your problems then do not hesitate seeking help with it!!!<p>I know that a LOT of women who go through a m/c feel that their husband didn't show the sense of loss that they felt should have been shown. Please take it from me that we fathers hurt just as much as you do (emotionally) over the loss of OUR child. However as terri pointed out in her reply, society has "trained" us men that we should "be strong for our women" and "protect" them. Therefore we often do not show our grief as visibly as you might like us to.<p>One final word suggestion, if you can try and locate the discussion group "soc.support.pregnancy.loss" I access it through the "nntp.planttel.net" server. There are a GREAT bunch of ladies there who are willing and able to offer you a lot of support w/ the emotional effects of a m/c.<p>If you get a chance please read my post and share your insight as to the m/c and it's possible effects on your emotional feelings for your fiancee compared to what I have described as my wife's statments to me.<p>Best of luck to you.

the m/c isn't an issue at the moment.It is more the feeling of attraction towards my fiance & how we have trouble discussing things. I told him more tonight about that it was an emotional feeling not a sexual feeling that I lost & we ran headlong into a huge argument. I have lost the feeling that you get when two people who love each other get when they are making love. I have no true idea as to why I lost this feeling. I have been having a very stressing time lately in our relationship and with my family there have even been arguements right up until today about how I should stand up to my family & just tell them how I feel it is difficult. My family lives 600 miles away from me. I have 2 brothers & 1 sister who live in the same city as I but it is not like we are calling each other to get together at all.. I come from a family of 8 children 5 boys 3 girls I'm the eldest girl. I have made mistakes & seem to be the only one in my family who is constantly reminded of them. My fiance doesn't understand that issue at all. He thought that when I told him that I had no feeling that it was a lack of physical feeling during sex {since I have a muscle disorder called fibromyalgia, I sometime lose feeling in my limbs} not sexually or emotional & tonigt he told me that after disscussing this with him that he thought I was going to go have an affair. He had an affair when we had just started dating about 2 mths into the relationship but we set that aside & tried to work through it knowing how much we cared about each other sometimes now I believe I should have just walked away then...Issues about that affair arose tonight that brings me to think about things differently. He left out some details that I believe should have been included. Like the fact that it wasn't safer sex.