June 28th 2000 was the last time Rick ever hit me. It'll also be the last time.<P>On January 26th 2001 Rick will find himself sitting in a court pleading not guilty to assault on me. But in the end the crown attorney is VERY confident that Rick will receive charges for this act as well as charges for lying under oath.<P>Rick's been begging me for months to goto the crown attorney and drop the charges, or tell them I lied and or not show up in court.<P>The last time I didn't show up in court Rick got off the charges I laid for breeching a court order.<P>Rick told me in August that he would do "whatever was necessary" to get off these charges as he would not have a criminal record. Apparently he found someone who would lie under oath as well stating they seen him at work while I alleged he was abusing me. <P>But I am not backing down this time. I am tired of being scared and falling for his CRAP!!! I can not wait for him to be in court.<P>I know what happened that day. I see it and feel it still! Even if the court says they don't find it beyond a reasonable doubt. What's more important is that Rick will of sworn on a bible that all he is about to say is true. He'll have to goto sleep and to God's front door knowing that he lied. So he may not get punished for his crime by man's law.... but Rick will in God's law!<P>For this I am thankful and have no regrets about deciding to call the police or letting the crown and detective know that Rick did infact disclose to me, he would lie under oath.<P>I'm tired of being his victim.<BR>I want my daughter to grow up knowing what type of men are good. <BR>I would be hurt to watch my child go threw anything like this. So I hope I can give her the tools to avoid "boys" like the one I was with.<P>The only thing I am sorry for in my life is standing before God and saying I would take Rick for the rest of my life. I'm not sorry for the good times we had. But I am sorry that i made a promise I never intended to keep.<BR>

rtn2,<P>I know to most reading your post...<BR>...they would say you are being vindictive.<P>I don't think you are.<P>I see your hurt...<BR>...but more importantly... I see you know that by him standing up to the truth... he too (hopefully) will grow...<P>To accept a punishment for such an action will lead him to accepting the truth...<BR>To decline it... is his choice to deny the truth.<P>There are temporal consequences for his actions...<BR>...no matter if you forgive him or not...<BR>...and I hope you do forgive him!<BR>...(I think, in your heart of hearts you have)<BR>...but you realize that this behavior needs to go through it's temporal consequences.<P>Hope he doesn't lie under oath...<BR>...it only makes things worse!<P>Your hurt comes out in your being sorry of "the promise"...<BR>...don't be sorry<BR>...be prayful that Rick changes to see God's light.<P>I'm praying for you...<P>BTW: my W could most likely get some jail time too... after taking $35,000 in my stepson's SS benefits...<BR>...but those are the consequences she too will have to face. <P>Hey...<BR>...cheer up... someone is looking after you!<P> <P>Jim

rtn2,<P>I'm happy you are not backing down from the charges this time. By you doing this, like Jim said, it's not vindictive, but letting him know that you WILL NOT tolerate this behavior and it is UNNACCEPTABLE. <P>It's all to common, that women drop the charges because "they love" the abuser. I see it on the streets everytime I go to a domestic call. The woman sits there in fear with obvious bruises, however says she doesn't want him to go to jail, or she does, but later drops the charges.<P>Please know that it's not you who are sending him to jail. He did this to HIMSELF. He's the one that made the decision to physically harm you. It's only a matter of time that he reaps what he has sown in God's eyes, hopefully the court will give him the punishment he deserves as well.<P>People can change, I do believe this, but if they get away with it, they never have to accept responsibility for their actions, leaving them more likely to continue the same behavior!!<P>Take care of yourself and your daughter, you will be in my prayers......<P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Thank you both for your prayers.<P>I believe people can change too.<BR>But I think they have to know and understand the harm they've done. Rick told me the reason for being around me as of lately was to help himself get off the charges. He feels by us spending time together that this shows i am not afraid of him so it'll look like i lied.<P>It's of no concern to me what he gets. Afterall i did me part in calling the police and laying charges. Now he has to face the piper.<P>But when he came to me begging and stating how he could make a difference i wanted to give him that opportunity. He lied on so many different levels. <P>Today i see him for what he can never provide to me. He runs around telling everyone that i keep him from his child and that i don't feed our daughter, that she'll leave me in 2 years to go be with him and i dress her looking like a welfare case.<P>I pray for him.<BR>But today i will enjoy my life!!!

Today has been one of the nicest days I have ever had. My daughter and I just got done making some shortbread cookies and decorating them(she went a little overboard) but it was GREAT fun!!<P>I called my ex today and surprisingly enough Rick answered the phone. I told him I called to apoligize, plainly he said apolgy accepted. He didn't even think to apoligize for his own rude behavior. <P>I'm glad i realized now... before christmas that Rick and I will never work out. <P>I read a post earlier this week about the person believing he loved his wife so much that there was no foundation of a friendship so she became quite simply "his son's mother" I thought at the time how sad. But now i understand. <P>As much as i would of liked to of been friends with Rick, I can accept it'll never happen.<P>It's a shame really now I have to go back to living my life wondering if he'll pick her up and when this time, and wonder when the threats will come and moves to take advantage.<P>My friend said it best. I can not control his impulses, actions, dialogue or mannerisms. Now that I accept we are different, I can finally move on.

rtn2,<P>Like Jamie Lee, I've had a life time of experience answering domestic abuse calls. You are right that people can and do change, but only if they are forced to face and accept the normal natural consequences of their actions.<P>That abused spouses drop charges is part of the whole cycle of spousal abuse. By sticking to your guns, you have the opportunity to break that cycle of abuse. The spouse has two choices, he can kiss this face, or he can kick it, but he can't do both! He made his choices, and he is old enough to realize that choices have consequences.<P>Here in Philadelphia, we have gone after spouse abusers big time for the last two years. We don't care if the abused spouse wants to drop charges or not. The effect of this vigorous enforcement has been an whopping 40% reduction in the homicide rate. The life you save may be your own!!!<P>There seems to be something about the opportunity to spend some time in a room with cast iron wall paper, and with no knob on his side of the door that gets the attention of the spouse abuser. It gives him the chance for attitude adjustment and a profound change in attitude. He is much more likely to seek the profession help he so desperately needs.<P>I've followed several of your posts, and I knew that you and Rick were spending time together, but I didn't quite understand why. You have a very good head on your shoulders, and your assessment that he is trying to con you out of pursuing the charges agains him is correct. Your realization of this shows real growth and maturity on your part, you are now allowing you intellect to rule over your emotions.<P>I can't say this loud enough or often enough. Please, Please stick to your position. The life you save may be your own. There is another benefit to this too, if Rick has to face the music now, there is a much better chance he will not abuse another woman in the future too.<P>One last thing, your testimony, and your testimony alone is proof beyond a reasonable doubt that he abused you. Just tell the truth, don't add anything, don't leave anything out. These judges aren't stupid, they've heard it all before.<P>God Bless you and Good Luck.<P>Bumper

rtn2,<P>Good for you!!!! About a week ago, my deadline passed to be able to press charges against Bob. I didn't do it. Not to protect him, but to protect my kids. They witnessed the last incident and I didn't want to take the chance that they might have to testify against their father. They know what he did was wrong, but I didn't want to put them in that position. I believe it would hurt them too much.<P>Stick to it! Let him suffer the consequences of his behavior. Even if it doesn't help him, it will make you even stronger!!!<P>Mitzi

Bumper,<P>Thank you so much. I was having a ruff day. My child was having problems understanding why when she calls her dad that he doesn't ever call her back. I was about to call him, to try once again to get him to realize the impact it has on her. <BR>But my friend was on the phone so i decided to check my posting.<BR>The thank you comes in because while i read it i felt better. When i was spending time with him he use to say things like he wouldn't pick her up because he didn't want me to date. OR he wanted me to feel the pressures. His best is of coarse because i won't switch his access to during the week he won't pick her up at all.<P>I couldn't drop the charges if i wnated to. Which i don't. He only suceeded in proving he's not so great in asking me to drop the charges and trying to play it off as no big thing.<P>Mitzi,<P>It took me several hits before i finally followed through. I realized i can't convince him to goto counselling and maybe the court will force him. But he's a smooth talker so i am sure that he'll B.S. his way around any mandatory counselling.<P>I justified his actions by saying but we argued and i hit him too. I never stopped to realize... umm I don't deserve a punch when all i did was slap his face, or push him a way from me when he was in my personal space.<P>My counsellor said it best your in a relationship where over time this man takes you apart so slowly that you wake up years later completely unaware of who you are. But too vulnerable to leave. This is why most woman return because depending on the woman and economics it takes years to rebuild and remember what they liked as opposed to their spouse.<P>Thank you... Really.<P>

rtn2,<P>You're counselor is a very wise person! I spent a total of 14 years with my STBX. I always swore that I would never stay with a man who hit me. Little did I know how manipulating an abusive person can be. I gave up most of my friends and some of my family just for him. And I lost "Mitzi" somewhere along the way. I was never independent, I did things because he wanted to and didn't do things because he didn't want me to. If I did something without asking him first, I felt guilty. <P>I was hit the first time 2 months after we got married. I never called the police, ever. And I never talked to anyone about it until after he left.<P>Slowly, I'm finding me again. I could kick myself for missing out on so much time with my friends just because he didn't want me to. But the only thing I can do is try to make up for lost time. I'm now doing things and I don't have to ask for permission!! And it feels great! I'm happier now than I've been in a long time!! <P>Mitzi

Manipulating,<BR>oh Rick is Great at that. He accuses me of it all the time. Thing is if i was so manipulating i would of stayed with him for financial security.<BR>The woman Rick started to date and tells me he'll marry is a woman who married her ex brother in-law, and got beat up several times, and does everything for Rick. Rick told me a while ago that she doesn't challenge him, but supposedly she has some money and offered to put it down on a new home for the 2 of them. He still tries to make me jealous and angry. I'm not anymore i quite simply do not care. I wish i could say that i did. I hope he does marry her and they do buy their home and have parties and whatever. Just so long as he stops paging me and living me notes telling me "I'll always be his love"<BR>I believed him over the last couple of months because months ago i found out that my daughter had been abused. When i finally gathered up enough courage to tell him figuring he'd blame me.....without a second glance or anything he pulled me close to him and asked me to give him oral sex.<BR>I wonder all the time why wasn't he angry?<BR>Why didn't he yell?<BR>Why didn't he cry?<P>When asked to goto counselling as a family he said sure and maybe we could actually get our family back. 9 months later I realized i sacrificed myself to get my daughter her father on a regular basis.<P>I would never do that again.<BR>It confused her as to what her parents were doing and soon i started believing all th crap he said.

rtn2,<P>I do believe that what comes around goes around. Some day he will realize how wrong he was to ever hit you, because he will feel the same way you felt. <P>It's too bad that you can't be civil with eachother, especially when there are children involved. My oldest son's father and I have, only recently in the last year or so, been civil with eachother and it has really improved my son's outlook. He actually cares about what I have to say regarding his son, finally. I can tell that my son is much happier now that his dad and I can get along. My son is 10 years old, and as a pre-adolescent, he needs all the love and support he can get right now. Especially with the problems that my husband and I are having. <P>I wish you the best and hope that things turn out the way they should! By the way, I do think that his request was very demented!! That is a problem he will have to deal with on his own! Take care!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rtn2:<BR><B>.... <P>I read a post earlier this week about the person believing he loved his wife so much that there was no foundation of a friendship so she became quite simply "his son's mother" I thought at the time how sad. But now i understand. <P>As much as i would of liked to of been friends with Rick, I can accept it'll never happen.<BR>....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That was me. I will always be "friendly" to her, but the emotional attachment I had with her was far too strong for me to ever be just a "friend". I guess that may seem shallow to some, but I just can't see it happening. Who knows, maybe in a couple of years I'll feel differently. <P>Anyhow, I'm glad he'll never hit you again. I cannot imagine ever hitting the woman I loved. Not ever. Not ANY woman for that matter. It's simply beyond my level of comprehension.<P>Take care...<BR><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

rtn2,<P>Thanks for the come back. I have had you on my mind over the weekend, and was tempted to come back and edit my post to you and add some thoughts.<P>My expertise on this subject isn't just professional. Although I have never hit a woman, I spent most of the years in my marriage as an active alcoholic. Part and parcel of the alcholic behavior is a low tolerance to frustration, infantile anger, patterns of deception, manipulation, and abusive behavior. There wasn't a whole lot in my behavior to stand up an cheer about. That can't be changed, but I've learned, and I try my best not to repeat the mistakes.<P>In your first post, you mentioned that Rick was going to present an alibi witness to say he was elsewhere when the assault took place. That too is part of the deceptive and manipulative, abusive behavior. My guess is that it is highly unlikely that this so called alibi witness will ever show up in court! I say that simply because most people have enough problems of their own without getting involved in someone else's marriage problems. Most people don't want to take time out of their lives to go to court to tell the truth. They sure don't want take the time to go to court to lie and take a chance on getting locked up, especially when they have nothing to gain themselves. But that so called alibi witness is something the abusive spouse would like to have you believe is on his side.<P>Defense lawyers have been able to get wife beaters off, but the way they do that is by attacking the truth of the battered spouse's testimony. Another part of the behavior of the abused spouse is a tendency to exagerate the facts. Following the assault, the abused spouse typically believes that the actual abuse really wasn't all that bad, so she tries to make it sound worse than it really was. The defense lawyer is then able to attack her credibility, and plead falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus. (We know one thing she said is false, therefore we suspect that everything else she said may be false too) That is why I suggested that you just tell the truth, it is all that is needed to convict him.<P>In the following post you mentioned that you slapped Rick. Two points, first, when a marriage falls apart, there is rarely an innocent and injured party, it is never all one person's fault. The judge already knows that. Second, the courts have never had a problem distinguishing between the insulting sting of a woman's slap, and the bone crushing force of a punch delivered from the upper body strength of a man. Forgive the analogy, but a man isn't allowed to set off an atomic bomb just because his wife lit a cigarette. But the abusive spouse would like you to believe that too.<P>In an unrelated thread this month, somebody asked why a counselor would instruct a woman not to talk to her husband about anything that didn't pretain to the children. I'm not qualified to say this, but I suspect that the interaction between you and Rick is an example of why that advice is offered.<P>A physical battery by a spouse is the most grievious of all aggravated assaults. Your home is the one place you are supposed to be safe, and your spouse is the person with the highest duty to protect you. When a man batters a woman, it is an unconscienable betrayal of a most sacred trust. There is no sin you can commit that will justify his actions. End of story.<P>Mitzi,<P>You are a real sweetheart, I really enjoy reading your posts. But along this line there is a point I'd like to make to you too.<P>The men who kill their wives are always men with a history of striking or battering or beating their wives. A man who will batter his wife, is a man who will murder his wife. <P>Here is the brutal delimma that the battered spouse faces: By dropping the charges in order to save the children from appearing in court at the trial of their father, the spouse is taking a chance that these children will have to appear in church to attend the funeral of their mother. And that will probably be followed by a trial of their father anyway. <P>The easy choice isn't always the best choice.<P>Bless you all, Bumper <P>

Bumper,<P>Thanks for the concern! Really though, I don't have anything to worry about. I have virtually no contact with my stbx. He leads his life with the OW and I lead mine with my sons. The last time I saw or talked to him was at our last hearing in October. He only bothers to call on holidays and birthdays and hasn't visited the boys since July. <P>He is seemingly content with his life as it is now. He has no job, no responsibilities...nothing to keep him from doing what he likes best...drinking. And I'm semi-content with my life the way it is now. Of course, there's always room for improvement, but that happens over time. I'm happy, and so are my kids. <P>Mitzi

There are logical and natural consequences to all of our behavior and I think it may be time for Rick to find out what the consequences are if he is physically abusive. Good for you!!<BR>

I did a lot of justifying for him and covering up. <BR>I'm too exhausted to keep up anymore.<BR>Hence the divorce...no responsibility to him or for him...<BR>He made me think i put him through hell.<BR>So i didn't file all the times.<BR>But June 28th what ever snapped inside of me.. I filed.<BR>I told the complete truth.<BR>I guess the thing i find most bewildering about Rick..that day was we hadn't argued, we were having a nice day, in our "attempt" to reconcile.<BR>When the hitting started (when i was leaving he grabbed a chunk of my hair and took me to the bedroom where he finished me off) I never fought back i was too busy trying to get out of the house.<P>I wish he would just go away for ever. <BR>Leave both my daughter and i alone.<P>Personal i hope he makes and million dollars with his business and forgets us!<BR>