BTW, what is the significance of your handle?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <BR>I'm noticing an interesting change in myself. I have noticed a huge decrease in my desire in the last 4 months. First I lost the desire for the sexual fulfullment part, then the intimacy part dropped off the scale. Lately I've stopped craving even affection. Now I'm mostly missing companionship.<P>I feel myself becoming even more introspective than ever. Maybe I'm just going into relationship hibernation for the winter.<P>Anyhow the separation agreement is done. She's signed and notarized everything so it's all over but the waiting, I guess. I'm starting to feel completely numb inside.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm sorry to hear your bad news, Nick. the time of season makes it even worse. it will get better in time, and it takes time, and the going SLOWLY part sucks big time.<P>After reading your description of your shutdown process, it sounds pretty normal, shutting down from the highest level of intimacy to the lowest, and I must admit, my process was very similar.<P>The problem is the reignition of the next relationship, for me anyways. it starts at the same point, conversation, but wants to go directly to Jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.<P>That is what Cinderella struggled with, and I must admit, I am struggling with it myself. <BR>She worked for years to heal, and I don't want to, but i guess i must. <self shaking head, mouthing the word no!><P>So just be prepared, the reentry can happen in a flash, possibly when you least expect it, and fasten your seat belt, it can be rough, because you revisit the highs and lows from the last relationship while the new relationship smooths out, finding the pillars of stability. <and it makes me realize how emotionally needy I am, and how emotionally empty my marriage was.><P>give it time, but don't go into a protective shell for too long. you need to keep being social to practice, practice, practice to find companionship just to get you back to normal.<P>good luck, and<BR>best wishes for you and your son<BR>for the holidays.<P>tom<BR>

Hi Tom,<P>Thanks for the encouragement. It seems like I'm consciously avoiding social interaction right now. Of course my previous life revolved around my job & my family, so there wasn't an awful lot of interaction then either. All of my friends are married, so I'm kind of on my own for awhile. I think once the weather turns nice, I'll get more involved with the running & cycling clubs around here.<P>I'm still way too emotionally attached to my STBX, but I feel it slowly fading. She was everything I ever wanted in this world, so I find it difficult to believe, right now, that I'll ever find anyone else. But, I'm just now hitting the 4 month mark in this saga, so I'm really not too far along on the road to healing (2 months since she said there was no chance she'd ever want to try to make it work).<P>In any case, I'm a magnitude better than I was a month ago, and I'm sure it will slowly continue improving. I just need to find the right place for me to test the water, whenever I feel ready (brave enough).<P>c00ker came from the callsign of the guy who test drove the first 911 turbo (my sports car affliction). I sort of modified it & it's stuck for many years now.<P>Thanks for the warm thoughts. I hope you are well & I was really glad to hear that you were back in the "game" so to speak. <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<P><p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited December 03, 2000).]

Nick,<P>glad to read that you are slowly getting better. It is rough, but you want to know something? the sensitivity training you just got and the discussions here really will help to put perspective on the next relationship. You should be pleasantly surprised how much you will have learned about selecting the next SO, and be more aware of the red flags that can present, but easily overlooked.<P>Just don't get depressed because it wil come. I have met several people who just calmly asked "is it your weekend?" and had one pediatric nurse, who was also divorced, tell me that there would be less screwed up kids if there were more dads like me, (and you since you take it seriously.)<P>so get out, go slowly, and enjoy the time. Part of my life went too fast, much too fast, and I regret missing many opportunities.<P>As far as being back in the game, I now know what i am looking for, the personality type, the types of interaction, the conversational intimacy which I never had with the X. and most of this i learned here, on the board. it is the education here that i missed in high school and college. it is very fulfilling, and actually i never realized how much i WAS missing until i found a person who matches what i am looking for. But i used the sport's car analogy with my friend, i told her i went from 0 to 85 in about 5.6 seconds flat. she verbally slapped me, and going slow just isn't my style, but i guess its necessary. <P>so go slow, but keep on going, just be socially available, and don't particular look, let it come to you, so to speak. And you will be fine.<P>good luck,<P>tom<BR>

This forum has been very enlightening in many ways. Had I any idea how my wife was feeling a couple of years earlier. I'm sure this site could have easily saved our relationship.<P>But, as a consolation, the principles I've learned here have caused me to become much more in tune with my behavior,and what it is that's important to nurture a healthy relationship.<P>But, anything like that is a far piece off in the future for me. I'm still married, and until I'm not, I think I'll just relax & learn more about me. This is the first time I've ever really been alone in my life & I still have a lot to learn about myself.<P>Anyhow, hope you are having a nice Sunday. I'm stuck inside by the weather & it's not "my" weekend, so it sure is quiet around this place....<P>Take care Tom.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Hi Nick. I really don't have any advice...just wanted to let you know that I am lurking and that I think that there are better things in store for you!!!!<P>{{{{{NICK}}}}}<P>Your friend<BR>Jen