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#67603 12/27/98 11:02 PM
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I used to love my mother in law dearly but since we have made her move out after being with us for almost three years she has becaome impossible to deal with. She calls my mom and tells her how bad I raise my kids and how I dont do this or that. And then when she comes around me its all peaches and cream. <br>She makes it as though her son and I have nothing to do with her but we do she sis coionstanly butting in and talking about us to my family. We have told her to stop time and time again but she just wont do it. all the problems she is causing I beleive she is trying to break us up. My husband says that wont happen but then agin when she says or does somthing And I try to talk with him about it he gets really angry Im losing it here I love my husband but he has to put his foot down with his mom or it will continue to tear us aprt any ideas out there?<br>

#67604 12/30/98 04:08 PM
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Boy, do I understand this one! For years, I was the kid in law the MIL liked, until one by one the other marriages ended. Then, she turned on me! She has accused me of all manner of things (never to my face) and even has lied to me about times my h has left her home...making it appear he left hours before he did etc. When my h and I decided we would be together forever, I still had lots of resentment re her and her manipulations. After sucessfully dealing with with my hurt and betrayal over the Ow, I still felt he didn't protect me from his mom. THIS almost destroyed everything we had worked so hard to repair.<p>Ok, so how did I end up dealing with it? I finaly determined within myself that I couldn't do anything to make my h desert his mom. I could only separate myself from her ability to hurt me. The h and I had a very long discussion in which I told him my needs which was to feel protected and honored by him. He agreed to not allow her to speak of me in any manner....How does this work? When he is with her or on the phone and she brings me into the conversation, he simply says.."that is an offlimits subject...if you don't get off of it I'm leaving/hanging up now."<p>It has worked in two ways. 1) I feel protected and honored by my h 2) he maintains his relationship with his mom and feels confident that he is also meeting my needs. And as a result I have been able to shut down thoughts of resentment. <p>Christmas was hard as I didn't go to her house (it has been a C. Eve tradition for 16 years) but my h compromised even there. He agreed to go to her house in the afternoon only and made it clear that I was his priority after that. <br>This is very hard to deal with, I know, we want our spouses mom to love us because their child does. It doesn't always work that way, but resentment and anger and causing your spouse to totally choose between you is the wrong move. Be honest with your H and tell him your needs...ask him to think of a way he can fill your needs and his need to be there for his mom.<br>

#67605 12/30/98 05:00 PM
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Boy I hear ya! My mother in-law is terribly two faced she would tell my sister in-law that they would come over and I wouldn't leave my room well after we moved closer she would stop over at 10-11:00 at night and I had to get up for work the next day so finally I told my husband I am to tired tell them to come at a resonable hour or not at all! Or she says that mys husband cooks, cleans and I do nothing well maybe that's because at the time I had 2 jobs and worked retail all weekend especially around the holidays and as my team mate he was helping me out ! Uh it has been years of lies and malicious behavior! I finally came to a conclusion that she is an unhappy person and controlling and loves to control if she can't she hates it ! I finally have come to the conclusion after all these years (8) that I can't control her and she CAN'T control me. I smile and am nice when I see her but I don't make myself crazy and try to go out of my way like I used to...But I have also learned not to jump on my husband because he is not crazy about her behavior either she acts like the perfct grandmother yet we are 2 minutes away and see her very little! <br>Your husband will see it for himself - tell him calmly what she does and tell him it hurts ! I have found this makes her look like the bad one! <br>Try just to go through the motions with her it's tough though! As my aunt always says it will all unfold ! <br>Good luck Happy New Year !

#67606 12/31/98 01:59 AM
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Miya, I think I'd use humor to diffuse this one. I've already stated my views on men and their parents in the "his parents hate me thread" so I won't say it again here. But since you are already "stuck" with the situation . . . when someone tells you what she says about you, just laugh and say "Oh! X and Y (former DsIL) are gone, it must be my turn!" If you think about it, when they aren't driving you crazy, MILs are a wonderful source of humor. At least, it will help you maintain your sanity until your H finally puts his foot down (He probably will eventually - I'm sure you are hoping across her neck). Maybe some jokes about your MIL practicing "family devolution" (getting all her chicks back in the nest) will help your husband set boundaries. Was your MIL a factor in the break ups of the marriages of the other sons? If so, maybe you should point that out to your H.<br>If nothing else, you've learned a good lesson. People who say nasty things about others behind their backs WILL eventually say those things about you too. I learned that one the hard way too. If nothing else, I examined my own character and realized I had been an active participant. People like that NEED a listener to to spread that hurtful ugliness.

#67607 01/01/99 10:49 PM
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I have tried talking to my husband and all I get from him is im tired of hearing it. BUt ther was a time when I stood up aginst my own mom for him and told her to butt out and let us lead our won lives but when I tell him the things his mom says to me or things she does to the kids he says he is tired of hearing it and lets it continue to happen I feel she is going to eventually tear us apart. I love my husband with all my heart and soul but I cant take her bull anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!

#67608 01/09/99 07:07 AM
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And I though it was only me!!!!<br>In my case it's even worse because 8 years ago after both parents in law went back home and complained to my parents that they really wanted to help us out by buying a house together with us, and my dad called me and told me that I was being inconsiderate when they only wanted to be nice - little did he know - I finally agreed, after saying no for 5 years. So since them we've been living in the same house, and it doesn't matter that the house has 2 different apartments. <br>Although they were never part of my fan club, I was able to survive up untill my sister in law separated 6 years ago. After that it has been like since her daughter separated, her son has to do the same. although she was not direct cause, a lot of her input had to do with my husband's affair last spring, and on the worse day, the day that he decided to pack and leave - which he actually didn't go trough with other than the packing part and taking the suitcase to the car ( where it was for a long time), on that day, when I came home feling hurt and depressed, I had the whole family( well at list his parents and his sister - the rest of his family supported me 100%) giving me the cold shoulder, coming up to my apartment to ask me about the mortgage arrangement, verbaly and almost phisically abusing me, and trying to make me feel that if my husband was having an affair and leaving it was my fault.Just because his cousin and aunt came later that night and offered me support, my in laws are now not talking with them.On the next day, when my husband knew this ( he wasn't home when it happend ) by his cousin, he went dow to tell them that they were not to treat me like that again, my mother in law( who is the mother of all liars) decided to make up this story about me asking her to take me to the OW house - which I didn't even knew where it was, other that it was here in Toronto - but that she had refused because she knew he wasn't doing anything like that, and that she couldn't see how he could leave with me for so long specially since I was so fat ( I had been taking medication for 2 years that blew me up to almost 170 pounds, and that I had only stopped taking the month before. Since he didn't really leave, and we are now better than ever, they are not speaking with us ( remember we leave in the same house), except when they need something like translating for them ( their english is practically zero), or fix something. On those occasions, they are really nice and polite until they have what they need, then they're back to their mean selves.<br>In the past I have tried to work this out, and since I grew up respecting older people and family, never talked back even when she was coming up to our appartment when we were not there, checking all our things and sometimes even taking stuff. But now I am very hurt by them and am not doing anything to "kiss and make up". I answer them if they ask me something, but that's about it.<br>I went trough years of abuse and rarely complained to my H, since they were his parents and I didn't want to get him upset at them. They would criticize the way I cooked ( I stopped cooking for them ), the way I dressed, the way I cleaned my house, the way i was raising my kids and pretty much everything. We would be having luch together up in my apartment and MIL would stand up and invite my H to go for a coffe with them ( exacyly like that:"Come on son, lets you and us go out for a coffee"and when I asked what was I and the kids, she answered" Oh... there's no need for you to go, you don't like coffee that much...") WHen I started my medication and gaining weight MIL kept pointing that fact to my husband going to the point of telling him one day that he would be better off trading me for two skinny women. All this at the same time she was coming up really nice expecting me to miss my work to go with her to her doctor apointments to translate for her. At first my FIL was different and used to tell me not to pay attention to her, that it was the way she was, but with time she was able to turn him as well, and he became a copy of her. Last year, after my dad died back home, I went there and she not only criticize me for it, but also went to her friends telling that I was spending money to get back home and it was really stupid because we had a mortgage to pay, and that she would never do that because she was very responsible. And then she decide that if I was going she had to go too. Arranged this story of her sister being very sick and went even before me. When I got there, her sister was in perfect health and hadn't been sick at all.On the day my dad died, I told them and her answer was "Better him than me!".<br>I hate fights and confrontation and I know that many times I just turned my back and came up to my apartment instead of telling one or two things, and because of that they kept doing it. I am a very easy going person and never get really upset at anybody. However, they hurt me so much at the time of my H affair that for the first time in my life I have no interest in talking or even seing them. My husband feels the same way, and it's really bad, because they are his parents and although before I always made my best for them not to get upset at each other, this time I am not doing it. For the first time in almost 20 years we spend Christmas and New Year with my Husband's aunt and uncle and since my sister in law didn't invite them either they were alone. In a little corner of my heart I felt sorry for them, but I sincerily couldn't be with them. Ever since we're not in speaking terms, things with me and my husband have been getting better and better, and he confessed that some of the things he trew at me while the affair was on, and his behaviour with me at that time, had actually been instigated by things his mom was telling him about me when I wasn't present.<br>Sorry for being so long, but I had to get his of my chest, and yours were the only posts I have seen on in laws.<br>Do not let yourselves get into an extreme situation like mine. Try to work it out if possible, but if you can see that it is taking you nowhere, just takl to your husbands honestly about how the situation is affecting you and distance yourselfs from the MIL for a while.<br>Take care,<br>Katya

#67609 01/11/99 08:44 AM
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KL,<br>Thank goodness someone knows were im coming from [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] My mohter in law is constantly over here my HB wont tell her to stay awya and give us some space. She constantly feeding him the guilt trip you know I thought my mom was bad> I have stood up to my own mother on numerous occasions for him and she has straightend out but his mom feels he is her son and she will do as she pleases.<br>If somthing goes wrong with a vehicle or the house or if the kids get sick im to blame and it really gets annoying at times. It seems as though I can never do anything right according to her.<br>It s always how sick she is and how old she is and needs somoen to depend on we have three children only one is his and she treates my other boys as though they dont excist at times this is not far. Children realise these things. My hb and I both work he works nights I work days she says he shouldnt have to help clean house and when he does its alwys how I never do anything well I do alot I come home cook give the kids bathes do homework I never have time to myself he comes home and sleeps all day till I get him up at night. If im not home he gets up at 3 in time for the boys to get home from school she says he shouldnt have to do that he needs his rest but you would think ther would be some concideration for me as well!<br>Sorry this is so long but im so upset I dont know were to turn anymore. I tried talking to my husband about all this agin last night and again I got stop talking about my mother im sick of hearing it. If you can help in anyway please I need it before I complelety loose it!!!!!!!!!


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