Oh my...<P>I am losing my mind totally. I can't sleep or eat, cry at any given moment, just irritated my attorney cause I can't "focus" on the "process" and have emotions showing. Seriously, he ended our meeting because he snapped at me. (the last collaborative meeting didn't go very good... I was a total emotional wreck) I want this divorce to have some closure, I don't want the divorce because I will always feel it is a mistake.<P>I thought I had a good chance of keeping the house and the kids, but big crevaces keep opening up at every turn and I feel like my world is completely falling away. I feel like I am losing EVERYTHING that meant any thing to me, and next that I should just leave cause everyone would be better off. <P>I still feel that I was started on a journey into the divorce proceedings before I was ready. I still love my STBX with my entire heart, yet I will never understand why he refused to attempt to work on the marriage. His viewpoints I understand, the rationale I don't. <P>To save me from myself I talked for nearly an hour to STBX. He is the only person who knows how to settle me, it is so weird, he is the enemy, but he is the only one who can help at the moment. We are cancelling the next collaborative meeting and sitting down together to try and work this out. I understand that he isn't coming back, that the divorce needs to happen, but my emotions are putting the collaborative process into jeopardy and I don't want to keep paying attorney fees when the one person who can help me to focus is willing to work on this (even if he won't work on the marriage).<P>He hasn't steered me wrong financially ever before, so I have to trust him, besides the attorneys will do the final checks anyway. Is this totally insane? <P>STBX feels that I need time off... time away, that I am about to shatter totally. Think the attorney feels the same way and I know my parents and brother are pretty spooked. <P>If I can't keep the house, STBX wants it... it isn't fair, he leaves, destroys the family and he ends up with everything that means something to me. I can't live with that, it is just too cruel. I've been thinking about that for a week now, there just isn't a purpose anymore. Now I just have to trust STBX to help me find a way to give him what he wants and try and keep the house, when he, too, wants the house and the kids (who definitely don't want to live with him). I feel like such a failure. Messed up my marriage, can't do right by my kids by being able to keep their house for them, just about screwed up a collaborative process (sometimes I feel that I got pushed into the divorce thing so that they could try out this process finally in the county), thankfully I work for myself or I'd probably lose my job, too. <P>I've stayed away from the boards cause I was so down, feel like I've screwed up the MB processes, too. I'm so sorry, I just can't do it anymore, I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of being totally confused, of knowing that he left but it was me who was one that destroyed the family.

<B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I really think it may help for you to see a doctor. There are things that can be prescribed that can help take the edge off & smooth out the ups and downs. It sounds very much like a situational depression. I've gone through it and it is really hard.<P>You are NOT the one who destroyed the family Lori. You are NOT the one who left. YOU are the one who stayed and tried to work things out.<P>If the 2 of you can work things out without the attorney, that would be wonderful. My STBX & I worked out our settlement & just had it checked by the attorneys for a sanity check. That way we got to word it the way we wanted, and set the terms up the way we thought was most fair to one another, despite protests from both of our legal counsel.<P>I know how terribly hard this is for you Lori. I don't have any sage advice to offer you right now, but you are in my thoughts...<P>Take care Lori.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bangerra}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm so sorry this is so hard for you. It just feels like the world is caving in, doesn't it? When my H left, I lost my husband, my lover, my friend, my job, the mortgage was three months behind, and I had all the house bills and two kids. He took EVERYTHING and killed EVERYTHING all in one move, and then I was expected to get myself together and carry on.<P>Well, here's the cold, hard truth. It will never be the same again. He will never love you again. You may have to move. You will probably have a huge decrease in your financial situation. It's just awful, isn't it? And it's so unfair, because the bomb just blew up on you, right? <P>Well, kid, life does go on. I agree with Nick that a doctor might help. I personally take St. John's Wort so that I don't hear a lot of negative talk in my head. You haven't messed up the MB process--you've just been temporarily derailed. Time to get the train back on track, and that means doing what you need to do to get your emotions under control. It probably also means doing some things for YOU, and not going over and over in your head everything you should have done. Find some things that are just for YOU, Lori. Start to look for beauty and joy in small, very small things. At first, I always felt like it was so unfair that anyone could feel joy when I felt so awful. Then I started to do very small things. For example, I turned up the radio in my car and sang along LOUD to classic rock songs (the stbx would never let me do that, and it was FUN)! Next, I bought grape juice in the morning, because my stbx always told me I'd spill it and ruin my blouse. Next, I went to a piano concert, because I like classical music and the stbx would never go--and I had fun! Gradually, some joy did return to my life. <P>Most of all, I turned inward and felt cutoff and sad. But when I learned to turn to my friends, and share with them the highs AND the lows, then I felt supported and loved and connected again. So, Lori, turn to us, here at the forum and let us be your friends. Let us encourage you and give you ideas and hug you, okay?<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

{{{{{{{{{Lori}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>What you are feeling is normal. It is painful and it shouldn't be easy to end a long term marriage.<P>Is there anyway you can postpone it till you are stronger? It's good that you can trust your stbx, but you need to have your wits about you when you make these important decisions. <P>Will keeping the house cost you more in the long run in expense or bring you sorrow because of the warm memories? If so, sell the house and split the proceeds. I agree with you about him not getting it.<P>If you can do the agreement yourselves with out lawyers then that is great. My x's lawyer caused some problems for me(he WAS a friend and I will never forget him for that) and probably would have drug the case out. My lawyer was very level headed and he didn't want to even me with x's lawyer because he said somebody always tries to out-lawyer the other and it ends up in a mess.<P>So if you too can work it out, great!!! Just make sure you have your lawyer check it out and don't agree to anything under duress.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LORI}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>As much as you love your house, consider selling it and not living in the memories of the STBX, it might helpyou recover and get a new start.<P>D sucks, no two ways about it, but do listen to CJ, she has some good advice about how to begin to recover yourself. you are still OK, a huge dream was shattered, but you still have your life and the kids (i think).<P>What do you need to do, realistically, to start to heal the emotional hurt? it is so painful in the short term and much better in the long run, we are all here for you, and <BR>let us know. but definately see your doctor, and lorazapam is a great drug, just to get you back to normal.<P>we are here, let us know. and reread CJ's post again, she has some good advice and experience.<P>tom