My first husband and I were married 12 years ago. We were very young (20 and 21) at the time. Nine years ago he had an affair while stationed with the military across the country. Our daughter was an infant at the time. When our daughter and I were able to join him a couple of months later, I found out about the affair. The OW had been living in our apartment until a day or so before we arrived. I found used condoms, letters and photos. <p>We went to counseling, but he wouldn't stop seeing her. She also called him at our home fairly often. I went through all the "sorting out of feelings" and lies and abandonment. <p>One time, he went out drinking "with the guys" and said he would be home around 11pm. He finally called around 6am the next day. By then, I was frantic. I imagined him dead in a ditch somewhere. He had passed out and someone drove him to her place. He had our only car, so I took a cab with my daughter and picked him up because he was still too drunk to drive. That is one of many humiliating things I went through at the time. It was pure hell. <p>I finally had enough and moved back home to my parents house. Another difficult experience. My dad dragged me to an attorney to start divorce procedings. I didn't want a divorce, but when my husband moved in with the OW, I gave up. (I recently found out that his commanding officer revoked his housing and he had nowhere else to stay. He says that he realized what a big mistake he had made and he had tried to talk to me, but by then I was too angry to talk to him.)<p>After the divorce, he married the OW. He suspects that she had affairs when he was away on assignment. A couple of years ago, she divorced him and married a mutual friend of theirs. <p>I had remarried also and first husband (J) and I had talked very little over the years. My second marriage is now over also, due to second husband's anger problem. <p>J called me to get some info on our daughter for his insurance. We started talking and have gotten back together. He has changed and grown up quite a lot. He has shown remorse for his past actions and I have forgiven him. We will be married on New Year's Eve. <p>Anyway, things are great now. Except when he talks about her. They were married for several years and she is part of his past, so it would be difficult for him to talk about his past without mentioning her. I talk about my ex also, but he wasn't an OP. <p>I want us to share our past experiences with each other. It is part of who we are. How do I control resentment, when the OW is mentioned frequently? I generally don't think about her or the affair unless she is mentioned. Occasionaly, we still get mail for her even though she never lived in this house. Whenever I see or hear her name, I feel the pain all over again. Will I eventually be able to see or hear her name and not feel hurt? <p>We are both committed to making things work this time around. We communicate much better than we ever did. Any suggestions?
