What do you do when the marriage has become so abusive that you no longer WANT to meet your spouse's needs? I have put up with so much verbal and emotional abuse and controlling behaviour that I no longer have any concern about meeting my husband's needs. It got so bad that I filed for divorce and had him removed from our house. We spoke after the temporary hearing, and he said he really wanted to work things out, and admitted that he had treated me badly. We worked out an agreement (for financial reasons) that allowed him to move back into the house - to the spare bedroom, and he has been back for three weeks. We are attending counseling, but we aren't getting anywhere fast. And now, the selfish demands and abusive behaviour is starting again. I am frankly tired of hearing him whine about how mean I am to him and how I never consider his feelings. While I admit that I have also been disrespectful and angry to him, I also know that I have, for the most part, put his feelings ahead of my own well-being for our entire relationship, and I am no longer willing to be the one giving and giving without getting anything in return. He has over the 5 years we have been married failed to support me and our daughter financially, failed to support me emotionally, and been extremely self-centered and demanding. I don't want to give up on marriage, I feel that I made a vow and am obligated to keep it, and we have a daughter to consider. However, I am not willing to continue being belittled and accused of being self-centered myself. He refuses to meet me half-way on anything, especially my friends and activities that are extremely important to me. Dr. Harley stated in one of his articles that you shouldn't have friends that make your spouse uncomfortable, but what do you do when ALL your friends and family make your spouse uncomfortable. How much am I supposed to give? And how much grief am I supposed to take? He talks big about changing and understanding and stopping his behaviours, but he only does it long enough to get me back on the hook. My instincts are to continue with the divorce, but I keep feeling that there is a chance.<p>I apologize for the long post, but as you can probably tell, this is really eating at me. Any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Meghann,<p>You don't have to give until it destroys you. You do have to keep yourself a sane and whole person, especially since you have a child to be concerned with. You didn't say if the two of you were getting any counseling. I think you both need it alone and together if you really have any hope of this working out. He needs to learn to contol his behavior and you need to learn to have faith in him again. The hard part is that you both have to start on faith that the other will follow the plan. You never will get a him go first type of deal. I think with things where they are I would start with getting into some counseling. I would also very clearly state to him what it is about his behavior that is bothering you. I would tell him until he understands it. You see just saying it does not mean that he understands it. I hope this helps you some.<p>Steph

Meghann<p>The prescription for a happy marriage isn't meeting half-way -- it's both of you going ALL the way, together. Meeting half way implies that he's going one direction, and you the other. Therein lies the problem. You need to be walking side by side, hand in hand, going the SAME direction. That's what "becoming one" is all about.<p>Right now you and your spouse are incompatable. It's going to take a lot of time and work for you to become compatable again. But the rewards are worth the effort. If you haven't read "Give & Take", please do so. I think you'll begin to discover the way back to togetherness.<p>By the way, one thing I've learned through my own experiences is that, just like it takes both spouses giving 100 percent to make a successfull marriage, the inverse is also true. The failure of a marriage can also be 100 percent the "fault" of BOTH partners. There are few "innocent" victims. A person whose spouse cheated on them might be tempted to say the spouse is 85 percent at fault and themselves 15 percent, but if it was unmet needs, however small, that led the wayward spouse towards greener pastures, then I think the "innocent" party is actually 100 percent to blame. That doesn't let the other party off, however -- they too are also 100 percent at fault. The pain and damage they caused may be more severe, obviously, but when it comes to placing blame, well, it only takes a small hole in the dike to flood a city. You can't change another person, but who knows, with ten fingers plugging the holes in the marriage dike -- wait, no -- twenty fingers (yours AND his), you can weather the storms that come and stay together long enough to find happiness and joy once again.