As many of you know I recently went through the divorce "thing". I wish there was a better way to describe it but words just don't seem to convey all that happened.<P>The weird thing is how long time friends now view me differently. This is both single and married friends. With the married friends I guess I'm something of a third wheel and my single friends seem h*ll bent on "fixing me up" with someone or getting me to "go out".<P>All of this I can handle and I guess I somewhat expected these relationships to change, just not in the way they have.<P>Last night I had one of the "weirdest" things happen I could have imagined. And YES I need some insight on what to do!<P>I (and my ex) have been friends with a married couple for about 10 years and always considered them to be a great couple with both of them happy in their marriage. (Married 25 years.)<P>Last night (about 7:00) "B" (the wife) stopped by to see how I was doing and if there was anything she or her H could help out with. I told her I was doing pretty good and had things under control. We talked for a bit on how I was handling certain things like business, the farm, the family, etc..<P>And then completely out of the blue she asked, "what are you doing for sex?" Needless to say I was a bit shocked and must have looked it because she said, "you should see your face."<P>Without going into all the nitty gritty details she told me that;<P>She knew I was a good lover because my ex had talked about it with her several times. (She was able to describe my um, physical qualities.)<P>She loved her H but wasn't satisfied with their sex life.<P>And that while she would never want a "relationship" with me she would welcome an extra sexual partner if it could be kept "quiet".<P>And that anytime I wanted I could call her for sex and sex only with "no strings" attached.<P>To be honest I didn't know if I should get angry or simply laugh. I endded up stumbling all over myself telling her no thanks and making up an excuse to get her out of the house.<P>Believe me, I have no desire what-so-ever to enter into any kind of relationship beyond our current friendship and I'm not certain I even want that to continue.<P>OK, here is the problem. Do I tell her H what happened? He is the kind of H that would defend his W at all cost and I'm afraid he will accuse me of lying.<P>I just don't think I could spend time with him and not be honest about the situation. My "honesty voice" would be screaming constantly.<P>So, what do I do?

I'd tell her husband. People continue to do bad things partly due to the complacency of others. <P>I also report drunk drivers, people who abuse animals, and will go into court as a witness in car accidents for complete strangers. <P>As far as the divorce thing, yes, my married friends treat me differently. Maybe part of it is the "third wheel" thing. Another part of it is that I think they believe divorce is contagious. They don't want to be around people who remind them that it could happen to them too. <BR>

Tell him. If it was you, you would want to know.<P>Maybe in some strange way, you may be able to help them. Maybe he has absolutely no idea his wife feels this way (you know us guys - sometimes we are the most "in tune" people )<P>But seriously, I would not sit idly by. Even if he doesn't believe you, you know you would not be able to look him in the face anymore if you didn't tell him.<P>This world never, ever ceases to amaze me!

CG,<P>I'd keep it to myself. Then I would put them on your list of "used to be friends" and ease out of the situation. You have been through enough already, who needs another war? Seems like some kind of weirdness comes over "other people" when "we" are the ones who got the divorce. Things change after divorce, even long time friendships. Make new friends.<P>Ragamuffin

I agree with Raggamuffin,<P>I wouldn't want to get in the middle of other people's affairs <pun intended> it was a <BR>come on, and a real one, but why get involved with someone else's marriage, and possibly cause them alot of heart ache? You have the power to literally destroy a marriage, and both of them would hate you for it, as well as it could get around to other friends in a distorted way which you would never live down.<P>What you should do is see the woman again, thank her very much for her interest, and tell her that she needs to go and talk to her husband, tell her that her husband needs to know in order to open the opportunity within her marriage. That if you were her husband, you would like to know. Then i would leave by saying that if she ever brought that subject up to you again, you would tell her husband. And then it is time to depart, and not be social with that couple for a long time.<P>Just the way I would handle it, now that I have been educated in the ways of MBs, helping others in the most constructive way.<P>tom<BR>

"You have the power to literally destroy a marriage, and both of them would hate you for it, as well as it could get around to other friends in a distorted way which you would never live down."<P>I have to respectfully disagree. This lady is the one who is ruining her marriage, not CG. Lots of people are tempted to look the other way, and why? The reasons I've heard so far for staying out of it have little to do with real concern for the other couple's marriage. It is more a fear of what the consequences will be for them. Personally, I would not mind having a reputation amongst my friends for being straightforward and responsible. Yea, notice is "out" to the women that hitting on you is not a good idea. Notice is "out" to the sleezeball husbands that bragging about their girlfriends and nights out at the strip joint is off-limits. Who wants those kinds of people as friends anyway?<P>Do you think people would be more accountable if others outside the marriage were more likely to report it to the other spouse? People used to look the other way when domestic abuse occurred too. "None of our business" they'd say. <P>If this situation ever happened again with a different women, you'd probably know better what to do. The first time it happened, you could tell her on the spot what you would do. <P>It might be worthwhile to give this woman a "heads up", as WIFFT suggested.<P><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited December 06, 2000).]

I would keep my mouth shut and ease out of that friendship. If you tell the husband, he won't believe you. Things could get tense, so unless you are up to a fight over something that you didn't want in the first place, I would keep it to myself. Remember what goes around comes around. In time the truth will come out...right now you just don't need to be the messenger<BR>

CG,<P>Tell her to work it out with her h. There are all kind of books to learn from and that if you here of her cheating that you will immediately tell her husband.<P>If you tell him now, then all she has to do is deny and where does that leave you?<P>By ignoring it, she can still find someone else and h ends up getting hurt anyhow down the line.<P>By getting her to work on her marriage, if she wants to, then everyone is a winner.<P>If she doesn't, then there is nothing you can do but you have let her know that you will not participate in the cover up. <P>If she breaks off the friendship, then you have lost nothing.<P>Bob

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have to respectfully disagree. This lady is the one who is ruining her marriage, not CG. Lots of people are tempted to look the other way, and why? The reasons I've heard so far for staying out of it have little to do with real concern for the other couple's marriage. It is more a fear of what the consequences will be for them. Personally, I would not mind having a reputation amongst my friends for being straightforward and responsible. Yea, notice is "out" to the women that hitting on you is not a good idea. Notice is "out" to the sleezeball husbands that bragging about their girlfriends and nights out at the strip joint is off-limits. Who wants those kinds of people as friends anyway? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Of course you do, you are TS!<P>Seriously, 1) "B" has not ruined her marriage, she is just exhibiting temptation, and thinking about it.<BR>2) We do not know if "B" has ever succumbed to temptation before.<BR>3) We do not know how their marriage would react to the disclosure, even though nothing happened other than a proposition!<BR>4) CG is not a card carrying member of the relationship police. He has no given power to enforce good relationships where the responsibility for the relationship is not his. Therefore he does not accept the responsibility to fix or inform that which is not his responsibility.<P>Therefore, I would not take a risk and venture where I feel I do not belong, <BR>where the responsibility is not mine,<BR>because I would be exposing myself to hurt, to possible defamation and the results that go with it, especially since "B" asked the discussion to be personal. I would want to show respect for her as a human being pondering temptation, as you have done.<P>TS, you are absolutely right in that "B" is responsible for her actions, but CG is responsible for his, and he can choose whether to react to every stimuli that reaches him or not.<P>I sense that you react to alot of stimuli that comes your way, and that gives you the reputation that you want it to mean, however, others may not interpret your actions that way, and the interpretation, right or wrong, intended or not, is what you have to live with.<P>I don't intentionally embarrass people when i have the choice. I don't think formality is always a code/rule to be followed as a black and white rule. Here there are several ways to handle it, and i think constructively is the best.<P>WIFTTy

I have to agree with WhenIfindthetime and RWD. Maybe talk to her and explain that marriage is a two wait street requiring communication. Especially in bed, no two people are alike and I would be willing to bet that if she has always acted like a willing partner her H has no idea that he isn't satisfying her. I do not think that you should volunteer information. Phase out the friendship if you are uncomfortable with it.. Maybe I would feel differently about telling him if you KNEW she was cheating.. who knows though. I still say confront her before doing anything.

From weird to just plain crazy!<P>Thought about all of this a LOT and what I should do, or not do. Seems fate had the answer for me even when I didn't know it.<P>"B's" H (R) stopped by this morning for a "visit". I though it strange for him to come by during the day as he works a day job as well as being a part-time farmer.<P>Immediately I'm thinking something is very wrong and possibly he suspects his wife's behavior. We grab a cup of coffee and are sitting at the table shooting the breeze, and the entire time my heart is in my throat because I've decided to talk to him about his W's visit the night before.<P>I gotta tell you, I was a nervous wreck!<P>He must have sensed how nervous I was because he said, "well I can tell you are thinking about something, spill it."<P>So I did. In one long rambling sentence I told him everything that had happened. I also told him I had a lot of mis-givings about talking to him about it and I was sorry if my honesty had caused him sorrow.<P>R just sat there for a minute or two and then said to me, "no, I'm the one that's sorry." Being the intelectual type I responded with, "Huh?"<P>R said that he needed to lay all the cards on the table with me. He told me that;<P>He knew all about it and the he and his W had discussed it before she had "dropped by".<P>He and his wife enjoyed sexual relations outside of their marriage, and occasionally invited a third person to join them for a threesome as they are both bi-sexual.<P>He had come by today to let me know it was "OK".<P>My reaction? About 30 seconds of stunned silence followed with an anger I haven't felt towards others in many, many years.<P>I would like to tell you I handled it well and in an adult fashion, but that isn't true. I blew up! I told him I thought they were both sick and I wanted nothing to do with them in the future.<P>R tried to explain that I needed to calm down and talk about it. I think that's when I gave him the choice of walking out my door or being knocked through it. He choose to walk, all the time telling me how inmature I was acting!<P>Folks, I like to think I'm a long way from being a prude but this, this is just way over the line of what I find acceptable.<P>Maybe I'm just to old fashioned but I believe that sex in a good marriage is as good as it gets here on earth. The very concept of inviting another person to "join" in on it is revolting to the very core of my being.<P>Needless to say R & B won't be welcome in my home in the future. I think I could live the rest of my life without ever seeing either of them again.<P>Funny, as I'm sitting here writing I can't help but think about "B's" comment about how she and my ex had "talked" about sex in the past. Kinda makes me wonder if there was more than just talk going on.<P>Naw, I don't even want to think about that. The ex is gone and anything she may or may not have done in the past, has nothing to do with my future.<P>I just gotta ask, has anyone else ever had something like this happen to them? I mean I've read and heard about stuff like this but it's the first time I actually seen or heard it first hand. Just to weird for this Country Guy!!!

Country Guy,<P>What a story!!! Like I said in my first post, this world never ceases to amaze me!<P>Already knowing how the story ends kind of makes this post unneeded, but I feel the need to chime in anyway. I think that you needed to tell this man about his wife. I agree with TheStudent 100% here. Too many people in this world choose to just "look the other way" and keep their mouths closed. <P>I think of the stories of how dozens of people will look out the window watching someone get mugged and do nothing about it.<P>Or how about the stranger who has a flat tire on the road and nobody stops to help because they "didn't want to get involved"? <P>Or how about the friend who has a drinking/drug problem and his/her friends never say a word? <P>Or what about the wife who knows her husband is sexually abusing their daughter and says nothing to anyone about it, out of fear for her marriage?<P>True these are different situations, but they all have a common thread - fear for yourself and your feelings comes before helping someone and/or standing up for what you believe.<P>If put in the situation to help someone, even though it may risk something of myself, I hope and believe that I would always be the one to "do it anyway".<P>Here I go again with song lyrics, but I think we can learn alot from them sometimes... There is a country song that goes "you have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything. You've got to be your own man, not a puppet on a string".<P>When you make a stand, people will respect you. The people who don't speak their minds and keep things to themselves, are the ones I would not want to be friends with. Those are the people that will say nothing to you directly, but will be sure to gossip behind your back. That to me is a sign of being a coward.<P>I think that honesty is always the best policy. This woman started the whole mess by approaching Country Guy. And it sounded like Country Guy was friends with this guy. I will tell you what, if I found out ANY of my friends knew about an affair, or possible affair, of my wife's (or if she propositioned them directly), I would be extremely pissed-off that they kept it from me.<P>Please, this is not directed to anyone who has posted here - don't flame me I really don't know you all, so I can not, nor would I ever try to judge you. These are just the feelings I have....<P>Mike

Country Guy,<BR>Well, I'm glad this situation worked itself out. That is pretty wierd. No, something like that has never happened to me. I did meet someone who had an "open" relationship though, but they told me that up front. Nope, I didn't stay friends with them. It seemed like it would only be a matter of time before I'd be invited over to join in, much like your scenario.<P>WIFFT,<BR>I can see this is another area where our opinions/values do not coincide. When my first H was sleeping with everything that walked (and potentially could give me a life threatening disease) his best friend, who I also considered my friend, never told me. Afterward, I found out he knew. I felt doubly betrayed. <P>Many people here have felt the sense of heightened betrayal after they found out that other friends/family knew about their spouse's affair and never said a damn thing. You call it being the "relationship" police. I call it potentially saving someone's life. I call it saving someone's sanity. We are all responsible for the well-being of our fellow humans, animals, and the environment we live in. <P>you mention something like...."respecting "B" as a human being for pondering temptation, as you have done." What are you talking about? I've purged my sin, mister, and made amends to the only person I needed to. "B" as you say, has not. Not only that, I didn't need anyone to threaten me, or hand me a book. I had never even seen this website. There is no comparison between myself and her. <P>I can't control what other people's interpretations are. That is the tough thing about having values. Ya got to have them even if other people don't like it too much. So, your values don't include informing an ignorant spouse that their husband/wife is cheating on them. Mine do. We'll just have to disagree on that. <BR>

CG,<P>By the way, what are your physical qualities? Now, did I say that? <P>I hope that couple doesn't live too close to you. Now that would be wierd.<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited December 06, 2000).]

Nothing like that has ever happened to me. I am beginning to think that a goodly percentage of people are totally, completely crazy. And I had thought us farmers were more normal than average!

Nellie,<P>I firmly believe that 5% of the population is "crazy" and since the population is getting bigger all the time, the number of<BR>crazy people is increasing just as fast as the population <P>tom

Country Guy,<P>It really is crazy. I read this thread with great interest, but didn't know how to respond. <P>In my much younger days, I had something similar to this happen to me, only it was the H that approached my about he and his W, I was single. The first time, I was so naive about this type of thing, they guy kept hinting about it and I completely missed the point. So he spelled it out in graphic detail. <P>I must have looked like a guppy out of water. I didn't know what to say, just kind of quietly said 'nooo' and never saw them again. The second time it was a "H--l No!" and asked them if they were nuts.<P>This was over 30 years ago, so some things haven't changed, but as Tom pointed out with the increasing population, the percentage can stay the same but the absolute numbers are going up. Yeah, it seems nutty to me.<P>CG, does seem like a good couple to stay away from and what a shock.<P>JL

JL,<P>"A guppy out of water" describes me perfectly at the time because my mouth was moving but no sounds came out. But first I had to pick my chin up off the floor.<P>Like I said, I handled it poorly because I let my adversion to this anger me. I just can't imagine "sharing" a spouse or something as personal as this. I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go round.<P>I'm not so upset about the way I treated both of them as I am for allowing myself an angry responce. I do believe that when we let another person anger us or we react to them in anger, we have allowed them to control us. Something I need to work on a bit more.<P>TS,<P>Hmmm... Well I stand 6'7" in my stocking feet and weigh in around 220 or so. I guess all around you could say I'm a big guy. It has it's advantages and dis-advantages, just like everything else in life I guess.<P>Nellie1,<P>I'm like you in thinking this sort of thing doesn't happen with people in a rural setting. It's so hard to keep anything on the QT when you know everyone and most of their business. Would you believe both of them are very active in their church and bible study??? I'm just glad we attend different churches. I don't think I could handle seeing them every Sunday while they pretended to live by God's word.

Hi Country Guy,<P>what a shocker.....<P>I must admit I had a bit of a chuckle tho.<BR>I agree with absolutely everything you say about it being revolting, but I can just imagine my reaction if someone asked me that question. A threesome, me, heeee, heeeeeee, hoooooo, heeeeee Guppy out of water doesn't begin to describe how I could imagine myself.<P>My ex-h and I did have a friendship with a couple, I used to work with her in a bank. They used to come over for dinner maybe 3/4 times a year, and when we had known them about 5 years, the conversation quite often turned to that very topic. We used to discuss it after they had gone, and giggle about whether they really meant what we THOUGHT they meant....... I guess they did, but they were never as up front as your 'friends' about it. My ex-h would have reacted exactly the same as you I think. And I could think of nothing worse. Not only from the aspect of monogamy (which I happen to believe in!!) but he looked like Grizzly Adams !!!!!!!! And with the big beer belly to boot!!!!!!<BR>Not my cup of tea at all.......<P>Tee hee, still can't believe people really do THAT.<BR>Aren't there papers and columns in magazines for people who are in to that. Why the heck didn't they go there. How dare they place you in that awkward situation. As if you're not dealing with enough.<P>Oh well, each to their own, and you're better off without them.<P>hugs for you<P>Jo<P>

CG<P>"Needless to say R & B won't be welcome in my home in the future. I think I<BR>could live the rest of my life without ever seeing either of them again." Just reinforcing my earlier advice to make new friends! Glad you have made the decision to do so!<P>I told you people get weird and prey on your new found single life!!! <P>I agree with SoTired: "Too many people in this world choose to just "look the other way" and keep their mouths closed." but I carefully and consistantly choose "which mountain I want to die on". Some people aren't worth my time to do so, those I love and care about are (family, friends and co-workers). Sometimes I throw in the same for a stranger too depending on my energy level and the subject at hand.<P>Ragamuffin<BR>