I have had an affair with another woman.<br>My husband knows about all of it. Prior to<br>the affair I had had many thoughts of being<br>with a woman which I never revealed to him.<br>I have a 10 year old child and don't want to<br>ruin his life with a divorce, but am struggling with my sexuality and don't know<br>how to make things right with my husband.<br>I have not seen the other woman for several<br>months,although I have had phone contact.<br>If there is anyone who might be able to offer<br>some kind of help or info I would really <br>appreciate it...<br>

SB,<p>I would not even begin to presume that I have that skills needed to counsel you about this. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I can point you to a resource that I know is very good. Check out this web site:<p>www.messiah.edu/hpages/facstaff/chase/h/exodus/index.htm<p>This is the home page of Exodus International. They cater specifically to those who have problems with homosexuality (male and female). The phone number is 206-784-7799. Fax is 206-784-7872.<br>I don't know how you feel about your sexual tendencies. If, as you say, you don't want to get a divorce then I assume you are open to trying to straighten things out, because I doubt your husband will want you to continue seeing another woman. I hope this turns out to be a help for you. Take care.

I won't pretend to know what you are going through, but I have many lesbian friends and a few who are bi-sexual. I can tell you this from what they have told me - if you are not attracted to men at all, and are CERTAIN this is the way you are, and not due to some trauma or other external factor, then you will probably not be able to be happy in this marriage. However, if your inclinations are towards BOTH sexes, then your situation more closely resembles one of an affair. If you are sexually attracted to your husband, and another woman, then you have to choose to remain faithful to him or to not, the same as a heterosexual has to choose to remain faithful to one person of the opposite sex, or not.<p>I would personally encourage you to seek some help in sorting out what you do feel before making any permanent decisions, and certainly to be completely honest with your husband. He may not be able to accept it, but you will both be better off if you are honest.<p>Best of luck and happiness to you!<br>Meg.

Thanks Bruce and Meg for the responses and the helpful<br>information. I have to say that I am right<br>now more attracted to women than men. I <br>have thus far been able to put it "on the<br>back burner" until I of course acted upon<br>my feelings. I have bounced back and forth<br>between wanting to at least separate from<br>my husband so that I can figure things out,<br>wanting to repair the marriage, and just<br>wanting to divorce. I fear that if I stay<br>and work out the marriage, that I will never<br>be able to truly let go of my feelings<br>toward women, and that ultimately I will <br>act on it again. I have sought counseling<br>in hopes of figuring this complex issue out.<br>It is helping in many ways, but I am still<br>quite confused as to what it all really <br>means. I am not attracted to my husband,<br>although I do love him. I am not sure if I<br>have unmet needs from him that just so <br>happened to be met by a woman, or if I am<br>just attracted to women and not men. When<br>I was with the OW I felt more at peace and<br>whole than I ever have, even while inflicting<br>such pain on people I care about. That is<br>something that I truly am ashamed of.<br>I have been reading alot of the info on this<br>site and last night contacted the OW and <br>told her not to get in touch with me anymore.<br>I know that I cannot figure things out with<br>her in the picture. Now an onslaught of <br>phone calls to my home and work from her<br>that I must deal with. So far I have used<br>the "tough love" approach and hung up on her.<br>I know logically that is what is the right <br>thing to do. And I hope to have the strength<br>to not slip backwards as I have many times<br>over the last several months. Strong one<br>moment, weak the next. I look forward to any<br>help or information that anyone here might<br>be able to provide. I know my questions<br>cant be answered, but I feel very alone<br>in this situation, although I know that I<br>am not.<br>Thanks....

SB,<p>As I said before I would not take it upon myself to try and counsel someone in this area. I think it really requires the expertise of a trained individual. But there is something about the same sex relationship that is not stable. I'm not even talking here about religious prohibitions. <br>You relate how, now that you've broken off with the OW, she's now calling all the time. I have seen this happen before. There are two lesbians (not saying you are one) I have known personally because I had to work with them on a job. I worked with them long enough to see them break off relationships with other women. In each case the reaction of the rejected woman was intense, to the point where they actually came to the job and made a scene. And these incidents were at two different jobs several years apart, but with the same consequences.<br>Some people seem to have had circumstances in their lives that pushed them, for varying reasons, to get needs fulfilled from the same sex. It's a complex issue. To me the bottom line is to do what it takes to get straightened out so that you can enjoy a heterosexual relationship. But I know this can be a very intense struggle. Let me suggest a book. It's called Desires in Conflict by Joe Dallas. It's a very good and compassionate book that speaks to homosexual tendencies of the male and female. It's in paperback so it's not expensive. Get it. Check the library. If you absolutely can't find it let me know and I'll mail you my copy.<br>I wish you the best. And don't beat up on yourself too badly about being strong one moment and weak the next. That's pretty much human and most of us are like that.

Thank you Bruce for your post. I will go and try to find that book you suggested tommorrow. I am in need of some help with this issue I know. And I hope that perhaps<br>this book is a step in the right direction.<br>I am very confused about things right now,<br>and any avenue toward "clarity" is <br>welcomed.<br>Thanks again...I will let you know if I have <br>any trouble finding it. Have a happy New <br>Year...<br>

I am sorry that I don't have much advice for you, but I do have a great resource for your husband.<p>The Straight Spouse Network is located on the Net (I don't have the address handy) and can be a good source for information and comfort.<p>Blee<br>jbm6k@virginia.edu<br>