I am back on that emotional roller coaster. I fluctuate between anger, sadness, and confusion. Part of me feels like I am giving up too soon, but another part of me is really starting to see what was wrong in the marriage. I have been blamed for so many things, and so many things have been thrown back up in my face. He has lied to me and then blamed his lies on me. It was HIS CHOICE to lie. I didn't force him to do anything like that. There is another family issue that I once gave my opinion on and thought that he agreed. Now he is blaming me for that also. I feel like had he spoken up at the time and given his opinion possibly the outcome would have been different. So how much responsibility do I take in all of this? I am angry that he feels like none of this is his fault at all. Mostly it is a lack of communication on his part as I tend to be very vocal (I know that is not always good). <BR>There are some other things that he has done lately that he says he hasn't. I have proof, but haven't really confronted him with it. These things hurt me and make me even angrier. Do I continue to live like this or is it time for me to file? I want to be a family again, however I can't live with the dishonesty and lack of communication. Could this be a wake-up call to him. Right now we are kind of seeing each other, but only at his "discretion". I feel like I have no control what so ever in this. Should I just file and wait? Part of me needs the closure, but I can't imagine him not being my husband. Yes, I know I sound like a lunatic.... <BR>For the last week, I have gone back to being depressed and feeling such a deep sense of loss. I feel like I have lost half or more of myself. Where/when do you draw the line and start living just for yourself again? Partially for religious purposes I do not believe in divorce and would feel like a hypocrit if I filed. I waited 33 years to get married and never considered divorce an option, but now I wonder???? <BR>Throughout all of this with him I have been supportive and honest. The only "bad" thing I have really said to him was that I was disappointed in him for the way that he left since I feel like he never truely gave me a chance by not telling me how unhappy he was. Not really sure if that was a LB or not. We no longer talk about "us", conversations are light and about work and such. I feel like we are avoiding issues and that if he had his way we would continue to live like this forever. I however eventually want a husband, a lifemate. I know that I am not ready to date and have no desire to do so, but at the same time I would love to have someone to just spend some time with. See a movie, cook dinner, watch tv...sports.. whatever. <BR>Any advice??? <BR>arm6868@yahoo.com

Yes,<P>1) don't take your H's behavior personally, its his behavior not yours. <P>2) people with fogged brains allow alot of unspoken, built up anger at themselves to come out, aimed at the spouse. Do not take it personally.<P>3) What should you do? personally, just sit there and wait, it is really a big test of your loyalty, and your love. now, it doesn't have to be indefinately, but just play the game for now.<P>You see, if someone really wants a divorce because they can't stand living with you, then they will do it. However, when people just run away without really doing the legal work, then they still have feelings for you, <BR>they just also have confusion about what to do with the conflicts in their life.<P>What you have to do is allow them to resolve the conflict in their own minds, by themselves. This is the hardest part, because you don't understand the conflict, and sometimes, neither do they.<P>Distance does allow each of us to see life more clearly, so begin to address the issues slowly, not with confrontation, but by requiring what you want out of the relationship, honesty and respect.<P>as a friend of mine once said, it is a very hard line to find between giving and being a doormat. Keep trying to find that line, and you will then grow to respect yourself much more for the future!<P>good luck, and keep posting back!<P>WIFTTy<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited December 06, 2000).]

Hi blindsided,<P>I think the hardest thing in a situation like yours is not knowing if what you are doing is right or wrong im terms of how it affects the realtionship. I know I walked on eggshells around her until she told me it was definitely over. <P>As hard as it may seem, I sometimes think the best thing is to just concentrate on yourself exclusively and kind of let the relationship thing slide into the background a little. Letting go certainly helped ease the pain for me, and it also allowed me to focus on me & what I need to do to make myself into the person I wanted to be.<P>I understand the desire to be "with" someone all to well. Man (& women too is a social creature, and once you're used to living with someone, the withdrawl can be pretty bad. It does get better, but as with everything in here, it takes time.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Thanks guys.... Well he came over for a visit and just left... Still not really sure how to read all of that, so I am trying not to. Going back to the counselor Friday and hoping that he can "settle me down" some. <BR>I am also really tired of talking about any and all "issues" regarding us with him, but I feel like I am coming to a point of needing some closure on this. I guess that's what I mean by focusing on myself. I do not want a divorce, but almost feel like it is the only way I will get some closure. I am not sure at this point how he would react to my filing. Sometimes I feel like that is what he wants me to do... make the decision so he doesn't have to. It is not because I want to give up as much as the way the situation is right now I feel like I cannot move on until a decision is made. Does this make any sense? This whole "limbo" thing makes me crazy. I was reading the post earlier by Bob who talked about dating, but would still give his wife another chance if he weren't married if/when she decided to give it a go. I feel exactly the same way. Like I said, I am not ready to date, but want the freedom to spend time with someone without feeling like I am "cheating" even if it wasn't physical, it would be an EN to a certain extent. <<I hope someone can make some sense out of that last statement<< <BR>He seemed so down today when he came by and every time that I speak with him for that matter. I told him that maybe he should see his doctor about getting on some kind of anti depressant, just to take the edge off all of this. All he seems to do is work these days and takes no joy in anything. I am honestly worried about his mental health. I don't think I did any LB'ing when I told him as we were having a rather nice conversation. I had told him that he needs to have a "me" day and do something that he enjoys or go out with friends. Something mindless or that doesn't involve work or me so that he can escape. Hopefully he will take that advice. I know that it has helped me. <BR>I am finally home from a week and a half trip. Gosh it's nice to be around friends and family again. The last few days on the road were killing me. I will be here only until Friday and then gone another week... At least then I am free until January 2nd... For those of you who travel (c00ker and others I hope), how does travel seem to affect your mood??? For the first few days I seem to be able to escape into myself and work, then I really start feeling homesick which has never really been the case before. Just a curiosity question anyway. <BR>

blindsided123,<P>"Practice patience, for you do not know the time and date when the tide will turn".<P>You mention your religious beliefs so let me address that here (kind of been on a religious posting kick the last few days ). One thing that God always asks of us is for patience. For patience is a true sign of faith and trust. Pray for patience. Believe that no matter what happens, God is there for you and will help you along if you only ask and believe in Him.<P>You have your whole life ahead of you - what are a few weeks/months in the perspective of your entire life. You love your husband right? Then do it partly for him - maybe think of it as a Christmas gift. Give him time to think.<P>Believe me, I know it is tough - I pray for patience every single morning. Every morning. There are days/weeks where I think I need to get this all over and done with "right now", but those feelings fade just as quick as they pop-up. When I married, I vowed "until death do us part" - nowhere did I say "until my wife becomes such a confused pain in the *ss and can't make up her mind" If she continues to divorce me, it is her decision - her mistake (in my own opinion). But that should never sway my commitment - for that is mine and mine alone.<P>Think about how you can use this time in your life to become such a stronger person! You may look back on this time as the biggest growth spurt of your whole life - use it well.<P>I agree with cooker in that you need to focus on yourself. That doesn't mean you have to get your marriage over with, or stop loving your husband. It means that you can use this time to get back in touch with who you are. Maybe there are things that you are doing/thinking that are contributing to your situation - things that right now you don't even see. Things that may only reveal themselves over time. Give yourself that time. Don't rush into anything.<P>Surround yourself with family and friends. Do things that you want to do. Stop depending on your husband for anything. Start doing things that he has done for you, by yourself. There are two ways this can turn out: 1) Your husband comes back and you are both able to put back the pieces of your marriage or 2) He leaves and that is it. Either way by focusing on bettering yourself you will win! If he leaves you will be a better person for the experience. If he comes back, your relationship will be more even and equal, for you will be a stronger person.<P>Finally, try to never let anyone (including your husband) sway your religious beliefs. His actions should not be the cause of your "falling out of faith".<P>God Bless and keep you. Pray for strength and for patience. I will do the same for you!<P>Mike

(((((Blindsided)))))<P>Hadn't heard from you in a while and was wondering how you are. Sounds like you need that trip to the counselor. Always does me a lot of good. <P>I found that it made sense for me to do good work on myself, look to and walk with God, and wait for answers to be revealed. But the work on myself and the God-centeredness were important in the revelation of the answers. Just charging willy-nilly ahead didn't work then and it still doesn't work. I spend a lot of time pondering and working up courage. A lot of time. But that means I don't always do as many unnecessary tasks.

Still very confused... but here's the update.. Funny how I seem to need this board more when I am in town and around him! <P>Anyway... saw each other twice yesterday and talked on the phone a couple of time. All went well. He was supposed to come over this morning, but ended up at the doctors office with the flu before work. Told me that he WOULD be over tomorrow am before work to see me. Go figure. Still not sure how I feel about all of this, but I guess it is good. He did ask his doc this morning about an antidepressant. Hopefully the doc will provide him with something. Said they would talk about it next week. Anyway, in reference to the flu thing, I am making his favorite soup... (Yes, I am still a sucker!) <BR>Guess this really isn't much of an update.. just that I am in a pretty good mood today even though he didn't come by. (Hum... part of the whole healing process????) Last week I would have bawled....

Hi blindsided,<P>Actually the travel helps now, as it gets me out of the house. This place is awfully empty on the weeks my son isn't here, so I've been volunteering for every trip that comes up during the time he is with his mother.<P>I also have this bright shiny new divorce to pay for so I'm trying to rack up as much overtime as I can <P>Also, this particular time of year has been playing havoc with my emotions. I just found out my son no longer believes in Santa Claus, so this is going to be a serious transition type of Christmas.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Hi Blindsided (your name is great - I was blindsided 9 months ago). My STBXH did not want to be the "bad" guy so I was the one who filed. Also in a way I needed to since he now lives in Colorado and I live in California (California has much stronger community property laws and the marriage took place in California). I often wonder what would have happened if I had not filed - I think eventually he would have done so. I got pressure from friends and family to get the ball going because my ex is a notoriously bad money manager, I had to extricate myself from him financially. Keep focusing on yourself (something that I am still struggling with even though my divorce will be final in a few weeks). You are not in control of what your husband is going to do or feels. I sincerely hope things work out for you in a way that you want. Good Luck.

c00ker- <BR> I understand about this time of year..I don't have any children to deal with as far as the split goes so I guess that is really easier. I would have hated to put a young child through all of this. I will say also thought that it is amazing the difference two more people make in a house. I too feel lonely since they have gone.. As for the travel, I leave again Sunday for a week to New Orleans. Normally I would be excited as I love the city... Now it's only a job.. <P>Barrington- <BR>Why is it that we were so clueless? I had no idea he was unhappy much less planning to leave.. This whole situation has knocked me for a loop. There is not much that I wouldn't do to make this work, but right now who knows. Now that a little time has passed I am able to see what was wrong in the relationship and not take all of the responsibility for it going wrong, but I still can't see where it was SO wrong that we can't figure this whole mess out! <BR>