Another post by TS got me to thinking on this.<P>How many men that have remarried had to fight, argue, and go to war over taking responsibility for children from a previous relationship?<P>In my second marriage this was a VERY sore subject and was the basis of some of our worst arguments.<P>The strangest part was that she constantly called her ex names because he never paid a cent in child support. And yet when I did what I thought was the right thing, I was on the recieving end of the name calling.<P>Even though she never worked during our marriage, and I supported both of her children including college, she constantly complained that somehow I was "cheating" her out of the money I spent on my kids.<P>The weird thing is that financial stability or "spending money" was a never a problem.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

CountryGuy,<P>I don't understand your question but then again I didn't see TS post either. Are you saying that the second husband takes on the financial burden and the natural father gets out of his responsibility??<P>I have 3 daughters. Child support IS a sore subject for me because my ex hassles me nonstop and tries NOT to pay. He'll withhold it for any reason he can. (there are on legal reasons).<P>I am seeing someone now. He has 2 sons. I would never expect someone else to take the financial burden of my children. I know that I'll work the rest of my life just as hard as I did before to provide for them what their dad is refusing to help me on (Soccer, girl scouts, kung fu, etc). I mean general expenses like food, and necesseties, I suppose if we all lived together one day. That's why I wanted to meet someone with kids. THen it is a little more even.<P>I can't imagine expecting another man to take the kids dad's responsibility. What concerns me more is that we learn how to co parent and use the same discipline guidelines, which so far, we have an agreement to never second guess the other adult on an issue in front of the kids. <P>You payed for your ex's college/?? What a wonderful thing you did, I hope the children at least appreciate it.<P>Dana<BR>

I'm sure some women do create 'dead beat dads', but I think more often they just get the blame. I've been married twice - still married to number two (at the moment), and neither of them would make any good marks in the father department. They just aren't interested. Both talked a good line about how much they wanted children and how they wanted to be parents, but neither has actually been accountable to their children, including the one who is still living with us. <P>I'm seriously considering an arranged marriage - I'm not doing so well at picking my own...! <P>It's a blue night - maybe when the sunlight peeps in the window it will all be better!<P>I'm hoping.

CG,<P>I'm not sure what exactly you mean by the question. I guess in some cases, some women make it difficult for the father to take an active role in the child's life.<P>However, in most cases, i believe that the father is just happy getting out of the responsibility. I know it's true in my case and in a lot of other cases. <P>As for the child support issue, I also wonder about another relationship because of my children (3 sons). I would never expect another man to take on full financial responsibility of my children. I'll work my behind off to take care of them. But emotionally, it would be a big responsibility for a man if I would marry him. Their dad chooses not to be a father, so basically they would need their step-father. <P>I do not bad mouth my children's father to them. I do that to family and friends! LOL It keeps me from saying things to the kids that will hurt them. Even though they don't see their father and he doesn't support them financially, they still love him. <P>Mitzi

At one point my H stopped paying child support all together until, he said, I signed the separation agreement. At that point I had not even seen what his lawyer had drafted. Fortunately his lawyer told him he couldn't do that. I am quite sure the OW was behind that, as well as a number of other financial things.<P>He has admitted that the reason he doesn't allow the kids to visit together, or much at all, is that they disrupt the atmosphere in her house. Over and over he has said he would do something with the kids, and then has changed it completely after she nixed it. <P>For years, my ex-BIL's new wife wouldn't allow his children to set foot in their home. I think it is extremely common for OW's and new wives who weren't OW's to discourage fathers from taking any responsibility, financial or otherwise, for their children from a previous marriage. What I don't understand is why so many fathers care so little for their children that they allow this.

Country Guy,<P>Haven't posted much,but saw this and wanted to add my 2 cents in. <P>I am not sure if you mean during the marriage or after?<P>I know in my case I made it very easy for my X to not be a fully involved Dad.I handled all of the responsiblity. I thought that as a W it was my "Job" to pamper him you could say. <P>I knew that he worked hard to provide for us,and I thought that by taking all of the responsiblity would make him happy. It did not.<P>Now strange as it may seem,he is a much better Daddy now then he ever has been before. Is giving me more then he should,[court ordered mind you.]in money a month,is much more active w/them! <P>It would be nice if that could continue bc the children are the ones to benefit from this.<P>I know that in the future [written in the D decree.]that if I were to remarry,then the extra amount of money that he is giving me would stop.He would just continue w/the court ordered amount of Child Support. IMHO,I think that is more then fair.<P>Funny thing is,I am still not sure that by me treating him like a "King" I really did the wrong thing. I knew what his needs were and tried my best to met them. Guess it wasn't enough.<P>I am me.......I am a giver,and I know that in the future I will still do the same thing.<BR>When you love someone you put there happiness in front of your own.<P>Take it easy. <P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Hmmmmm, this gets me to thinking,<BR>(where there's smoke there's danger)<P>and money is a touchy subject for men who traditionally provided that as a big part of his family responsibility.<P>My X wanted full state provided guidelines in CS, but luckily we fall outside the guidelines, so i could negotiate a lesser amount. But before everyone jumps on me, CS puts a huge dent in the ability to obtain a mortgage, and to own a house in the same town <BR>is expensive. Now she has her own huge house given to her, and she said she wanted to buy another. but she also received about 1/2 of our assets, which she can afford to send one child to college and private school with, (we have two) and yet she refused to want to pay even half of the minimum amount of college education, but she wants a second house, and i want my first house! (blacker smoke)<P>Now as for time, she tried to threaten me in mediation about getting just the minimum, one weekend every two weeks, and one night in the middle. I asked her what did i do to deserve that? Yes I ignored her in favor of working to get my last promotion, but we also agreed we needed that for OUR own home. Does that justify minimum visitation? We had some disagreements, but doesn't everybody?<BR>We had a hard time doing everything with tight schedules, doesn't that happen these days?<P>so i have nearly 50%, and will get more if i could live closer in a neighborhood with my kids friends.<P>Divorce is never fair, and if you follow the state guidelines, disney dads are common, for the minimum amount of time they are allowed to be involved. The guidelines assumes that the guy is the breadwinner, and that the mother will find another, more suitable father to take your place. Doesn't sound or look fair to me, but that's the implied interpretation of the guidelines as I see them.<P>and i warned you, there was smoke!<BR>and it does burn my @ss on how we, X and I, agreed on vacation tie, and she was hysterical and couldn't share the kids for my time. What do these people think? that just because the parents have some differences in opinions that both parents' don't love the kids?<P>this whole process is so tipped towards the mom, that dads really get burned sometimes, <P>and she was so fogged out last summer, that she would pay for kids summer camps, swimming lessons, out of the joint account and not even sign the checks, then ask me to go in a pay the balance out of my account. and she then told me that one of the reasons she wanted a divorce is that i work too hard for money! sometimes all they see are $$$$$$$.<P>(bigger clouds of blacker smoke)<P>WIFTT<BR>

I think I understand your question, CountryGuy. I am a second wife, I have an ex and my husband has an ex. We both have 2 children. My two live with us and his 2 have above standard visitation with us. You remarked that bio mom's with custody may have something to do with the dad being a "dead-beat". Oh I think in some situations you may be right. I've heard a number of dad's that don't have custody complain about how difficult the ex makes it for him to have a relationship with his kids (especially if they are re-married). Lots of mom's with custody cancel visitation or they continually take the dad back to court for more child support when the dad is already paying a lot. For instance, I receive below the guidelines in child support from my ex but I also make good money myself. See, in my state the guidelines for cs are strictly based on the parent that does NOT have custody. They don't consider my income what-so-ever. I am a firm believer that each parent should be held responsible for the finances of their children and if I were to take the "guidelines" he'd be paying more then 50% of what it costs to raise the kids. I'd be doing VERY well and he'd be struggling. To me that would make him resent me and his girlfriend resent his kids. So, I agreed to a lesser then guidelines amt. Now my husband pays is ex roughly 2,000 per month on top of her 50,000 per year income. This amt. is above the guidelines but he agreed to it in exchange to her not causing problems with him seeing his kids and participating in their lives. He is a wonderful stepdad, father and husband. His kids have everything that they would ever need and more because of their mom's income ability and the amt. of support they receive from their dad. Now, for my kids because I have a decent income and I do receive some childsupport, PLUS my husband does bring money into our home - my kids are able to have a decent life style. For two years my ex's girlfriend didn't want him to have anything to do with his kids. This was because they were "part" of me and she didn't want him to have ANY contact with me. He (like Nellie's ex) felt his girlfriend was more important then a relationship with his kids. However (and listen up Nellie cuz I hope this happens to you), after two years he is starting to come around. He has taken his kids for his weekends for two months in a row now. The pressure from his parents and his kids I think finally got to him. I think it helped that I never nagged him about NOT taking his visitation. His kids (and him) were lucky that he finally came around. I hope so bad that Nellie's ex comes around soon too. Maybe after awhile the bitterness and hate in divorce starts to soften and they start to see the light.

What about situations where the mom (me) tries everything humanly possible to make it easier for the dad to see the kids and he still doesn't do it?? My stbx only asked for standard visitation, every other weekend and one evening every week (Wednesdays). I don't call and beg him to take the boys. They call him and ask him to get them and he's always too busy. I even let him take the boys on days during the week other than Wednesdays just so he would see them. <P>July was the last time he saw them. The boys have called him several times wanting to see him and he always has some excuse. He can't use work though. He doesn't work, just so they can't attach his wages. That means no child support for the kids. And I'm struggling to raise 3 boys on my crappy income!! And the courts are busy so getting him on contempt charges is proving to take longer than I thought it would! <P>I would say that maybe I enabled him to be a deadbeat dad. I didn't create the situation but I tried to make life simpler for the kids. It doesn't always work that way. <P>And about the OW interfering! My middle son had to have 30 stitches in his head a while back. I called the night it happened and left a message for his dad. 2 days later my oldest son called him and told him about it. Seems their father never got the message and was angry that I never told him! I calmly told him that if he would make sure that he got his messages, he would have known. And this wasn't the first time it had happened. He never seems to get important messages about the kids. Is it him, just saying that? Or is it The Thing making sure he doesn't get them? Who knows? <P>Ok, I'm done venting for the week now! LOL LOL <P>Mitzi

I'll way in on my side of the child support issue. I don't know what it is, but most wayward spouses just seem to have a problem with it.<P>My x is the same way. When she first left and obtained a lawyer, her lawyer called mine and suggested x would take less money for the house and my pension and not seek alimony, if I granted liberal visitation and waived child support. I threw a fit and never saw that proposal in writing.<P>The written proposal I got then had no alimony, minimum visitation for her, but she under reported her income about $10000.<P>We had a reconciliation attempt in there and she fired her lawyer. When I threw in the towel,and restarted the divorce papers, she went with me to my lawyer. I got her to agree to the wage she made in 1998 which was for part time. In 99 she worked about half the year full time and earned another $5000 over what she earned in 98. She is worked about 60 hrs per week for half of 2000. She says she took a pay cut for this job so I do not know how much she makes. <P>A few times when she had trouble with the kids, I heard her say "I pay child support, I don't have to put up with this!"<P>I don't understand any of these wayward spouses in why they don't want to pay cs.<P>I think it is Starting Over that posts about CS being a vailed alimony and thats why many men go to the underground economy to live and not have a reported income.<P>

Mitzi I know where your coming from. Like I said in my last post, my ex went two years without seeing his kids and only a handful of phone calls. He too had every excuse in the book. I too offered him whatever he wanted just so he'd see his kids. I even offered to drive the kids to his house and pick them up. Sometimes I wonder if accomodating them only makes them angry because of how it makes them look. Mine too stopped working for a spell in order to not pay child support. I think there is a variety of "crap" that goes around from both the CP and the NCP. It's just too bad when you have kids that want both parents involved in their life. I don't understand why or how a girlfriend or second wife would come between a father and his children and then I put most of the blame on him for allowing it. Geez....If I ever told my husband that our life was too busy to involve his kids I know he'd walk! But then again, he knows I'd never ever do that.

Mitzi,<P>I as you did the: "What about situations where the mom (me) tries everything humanly possible to make it easier for the dad to see the kids and he still doesn't do it??"<P>The divorce I got from my kids dad was 21 years ago. Our decree stated "reasonable visitation", you request you shall receive. I didn't want any time and date restraint games for the x or his family, PERIOD! My kids deserved full access to them as far as I was concerned, no matter what. The x never took advantage of the freedom he had to be a father to the kids, the paternal grandparents did. I still get thanked by the grandparents and the kids are 24 and 26 now. Even when he was $13,000.00 behind in child support I NEVER kept them from him or told him NO. BOY, was it hard to be decent back then but I did it and to this day the example I showed my kids has paid off.<P>As for my second marriage, I lived 15 years financially entirely on my own earnings and what I could get collected in past due child support. There were no $'s contributed from the second x, unless you count his 1/3 of the housepayment. I paid the other 2/3 of the housepayment and the ENTIRE remaining household living expenses, my own car, insurance, repairs and supported the kids etc.. Boy I can (could) pick 'em! What a dumb s**t I WAS! Makes living now a piece of cake. I think the second x educated me quite well financially to be single again!<P>These are my proudest stories to share (not) and to think I pay for this blonde! LOL!!!<P>Ragamuffin<P>P.S. I'm learning though!<p>[This message has been edited by Ragamuffin (edited December 07, 2000).]

My situation was diffeent in that my first wife died so there wasn't an ex in the picture.<P>My second wife simply had a problem with my financially helping my children. Both of my children were old enough they were on their own in school. Her oldest son was living on his own and eventually returned to school and her youngest lived with us.<P>I did financially support all four kids through school. As father and/or step-father I felt it was my responsibility and privilage to do so.<P>I think because her ex refused to participate in any form of parenting, she expected me to do the same with my children. I don't know and can't think of any other reason.<P>One of the worst arguments happend in my yougest child's Junior year at school. She was working 30-40 hours a week part time and going to school full time.<P>Her grades were suffering badly and I told her I wanted her to quit the job and concentrate on school. Obviously this meant she would require financial help for a while. (Worked out fine as my child was able to get her studies back on track and took a part time job the next year.)<P>My W had an absolute fit. She felt that if my child couldn't hold a job and go to school she should drop out. After trying to talk to her with reason and understanding for weeks, I simply "laid down the law" about it and told the W I wasn't about to let that happen for any reason or under any conditions.<P>As I said, it wasn't as if my W and I were struggling, we weren't. She wasn't asked to contribute a single penny for my kids, and she never had to work. Keep in mind I was her youngest son's sole support and was paying for her oldest son's school too.<P>It simply came down to well, "greed" for lack of a better word. Every month when my child's credit card bill came she would pour over it with a fine tooth comb and would always manage to come up with something she felt my child should not have spent money on. Of course it was never done in a "friendly" manner and we always ended up in an argument.<P>After a few months I finally got fed up with it and had my child's bills sent to my office. My W asked what had happpened to the bills and I told her I was sick with the constant arguing over it and was handling it on my own.<P>As you can guess, my W wasn't very pleased about it but from that point on I had an accout set aside strictly for all the kids financial needs and she wasn't allowed access to it or any information about it.<P>I know it wasn't a good solution as it still caused arguments but I simply didn't see a better alternative.<P>I just wonder how many men would be much better parents if the new W supported their efforts instead of making their lives h*ll every time they try to do the right thing?

CG,<P>That is one of my biggest fears when it comes to getting into a relationship and possibly getting married again!<P>3 sons is a big responsibility to ask any man other than their father to take on! I don't think I would have a problem being a step-mom to any children that he may have. I've always been around children. And I really don't see where I treat my children any differently than my nieces or nephews. Or the mentally retarded people I care for at work, for that matter. <P>It just comes down to compromise, patience and love. I am a package deal. Any man that wants to spend time with me needs to understand that. Just as, if he has children, he is part of a package. <P>Mitzi

CG,<P>"As I said, it wasn't as if my W and I were struggling, we weren't. She wasn't asked to contribute a single penny for my kids, and she never had to work. Keep in mind I was her youngest son's sole support and was paying for her oldest son's school too."<P>This just "STEAMS" me! Probably because the words sound so familiar....I can feel my guts churning as I type a reply! A spouse who makes no contribution but wants to make all of the decisions. Shows no understanding but yet has kids of their own. Different rules depending upon who's blood runs through their (the kids) veins!?!?!? Hypocrites make me crazy, especially marital ones! My x had no children but was the same way about life matters involving the kids. <P>I'm so glad I'm single! I should say I'm so glad I'm not married to "him" any more!<P>Ragamuffin

Maybe this is so totally off the subject, but I wanted to throw this in. (Sorry, it's really long.)<P>I am a mom who pays child support to my children of my first marriage. I totally understand what some men go through when it comes to being a good parent to their children in this situation.<P>This is what happened to me: My first husband, who I married when I was very young, has only the ambition to keep himself fed and hang out with his dopehead buddies. He got a less than honorable discharge from the Air Force when we had one child and one on the way, and we were stranded with no money, no car and no where really to live. He was angry with me because I wanted to get our own apartment, rather than live with his mother (who constantly, anxiously asked ME when we were moving out.) In our town, there was not much of a job market, I worked at a gas station for 8 hours a day, went home and slept for half an hour, then changed uniforms and went to work at McDonald's for another eight hours. We did manage to stay off welfare, and I am very proud of this, but not by much. I took advantage of my native american heritage for one single time and had my baby on the reservation, free medical care, and we got WIC. As soon as my youngest daughter was born, I went right back to work at the gas station/McDonald's while he watched the kids. (There was a joke among the citizens of my then-little town that I worked everywhere in town.) I did this for 1 year while he played basketball with his buddies and went out to the clubs--often times he came home to get sick on the carpet at 3 am. <P>I quit McDonald's and cut back on my hours at the gas station so that I could take on a job at the hardware store. My H thought it was great. I made $600 per month at the hardware store. I could afford some daycare and he didn't have to watch the kids all of the time--it was peachy. When I came home--he was gone to the basketball court with his friends. All this time, I was getting angrier and angrier. Angry enough to start going clubbing on MY time, but then that is another story. Maybe I wasn't justified in this, looking back and now knowing how people function. But, I was young and did not have good marital coping skills.<P>Finally, after scouring three counties for a good job over a 9 month's period (my husband had little interest in doing this) I took my lunch break and went to the army recruiter's office and signed the paperwork to enlist on the spot. It's what I had always wanted to do anyways (I had dropped out of college--ROTC--to get married.) I figured that if I had to spend 8 hours a day away from my kids in order to offer them what little I could, I might as well enjoy what I was doing. My husband was pretty happy--free housing, free medical care, see the world, ect. I made me even madder that he was like that--I got to feeling that I was being taken advantage of.<P>So what did I do? As soon as I got to my first duty station, got assigned housing and was ready to have my family move out--I called my husband, and heard him lament about having to leave his mom and his buddies. Yup, you guessed it. I ditched him. Again, I knew little about preserving marriage, and had I known, maybe we would still be together (ugh! shudder!)<P>This is the part that sucks: I was a new private in the army, I had my two diaper-wearing daughters with me, not getting a cent from my husband, and we were doing worse than we were in civilian life--add to the fact that the army workday is 24/7 and it was a nightmare. I had no money--still.<P>So my husband gets some money from his mom, hires a lawyer and sues me for custody. Of course he won. His arguement: Here I was--working, so how could I possibly devote full attention to my children? A Korean linguist in the army--so where would I go but to a remote duty station where I could not take them? Well, all my money was spent on feeding them and taking them to daycare, so I could not hire a good advocate. And besides, there is no commander that would be excited to have a single mom in his company--the army does not allow for that.<P>He takes the kids--and I get hit hard with most of my income going for child support. I move into the barracks, eat in the mess hall, and spend what little money I have left over for gifts for my kids (some people would call this relieving guilt--I guess, but I felt they deserved it)--and then for myself, toiletries and an occasion article of clothing. I was sick and distraught over the loss of my children, but the one thing that gave me comfort is the fact that I could now provide well for them. They had plenty to eat and had decent clothes. I was proud of the fact that I could do well by my children and make them comfortable, at least, even if I did't get to see them too as much as I would have liked. I called every week and wrote every other day. Neverthe less, it was a relatively small consolation. Is any of this starting to sound familiar, guys?<P>Now I remarry. I PSC to Hawaii with my new husband--where the cost of living is crazy and I receive a cost of living adjustment. All of the sudden, there is conflict. All that I am asking is that I can bring my kids, who are not in school at this point, out for a couple of months so that I can see them. He says no. I am thinking "What is the big deal? I just want to see my kids!" It finally occurs me, when all the sudden they disappear from the face of the earth and I hear nothing from them that my ex is punishing me for leaving him and then remarrying. Whether he was right or wrong in feeling this way, I thought that it was unjust to take my money and not allow me to talk to my children. I find that he is living with a woman who also has 2 children and that they are all collecting welfare. My ex MIL tells me that I am a little whore and that I should butt out of his business--oh, but I should keep paying child support.<P>I went to court--newly pregnant and my marriage to my second husband already in deep trouble. All that I was asking is that I just be allowed to have visitation modified. My attorney told me that she wouldn't bother with that--either I try for full custody or else nothing. So I followed her instruction--and the judge made a huge production of laughing me out of court, that is, after he adjusted my child support to my new wages earned in Hawaii. In addition to this, I had to pay daycare expenses, because, low and behold, now that ex had a woman that wouldn't take his crap, he was working. Oh, but while the kids visited me in the summer, I would only have to pay half of the child support to my ex. (On top of full-time daycare fees for all three kids; this added up to be more than my take-home wages.) I told the judge that I would not always be stationed in Hawaii and that my income would always fluxuate with my changing duty-station. He said "Too bad." The judge told me that if I had a problem with that, then I should have never gotten remarried or pregnant with another baby. My attorney sent me a bill for $3,000 for a job well-done.<P>I cannot count how many times the child support, which was taken directly from my pay through allotment, was misdirected by dept of Health and Welfare due to poor accounting, and I got slammed for it. For several months, my wages were garnished on top of the allotment that the army sent out, then the money was returned, then re-collected, then returned in a greater amount, then taken out again fromt my tax returns. For a year, it was sent to the dept of Health and Welfare when it should have been sent to the courthouse, and I did not know that this appeared as a years worth of child support in arrears until I went to buy a car and applied for credit. $4,000 in arrears, when every cent had been paid! I was told that there was nothing I could do about this appearing on my credit report.<P>Now, when I went to a new duty station in Washington state, of course, my cost of living allowance went down, but my child support remained the same. My husband (#2) ditched me for Miss Kitty but did not divorce me, after he was commissioned as an officer. (This is a secret. Please don't tell.)<P> Our "collective" income was great in the eyes of the military, and so I had to pay much for housing and daycare on base. All of my income went for rent and daycare, and my spouse handed over the rest--after first consulting Miss Kitty on how much he was to send, I later found out. I had to fight tooth and nail to have my child support adjusted to my lower income--of course going back to court and paying another attorney. It was not very agreeable to ex and his new wife, who moaned up a storm. They were living well beyond their means and now had bill collectors calling.<P>Let me stop right here and mention something about my kid's lifestyle: They are living in a run-down old trailor house with ex and his new wife and her kids. I see little of the money that I send put to good use, but I guess that is not my call, so I won't whine about that. <P>What does upset me is that the kid's new step-mom is a loud-mouthed, bossy, controlling woman who has her way in everything--and it burns her that I will bow down to her like everyone else does. I guess this is just the woman that ex needed, because I was not the micro-manager that he needed to keep track of him and set him on the straight and narrow. At first, I was very happy for him that he got re-married--happy enough to send them a wedding gift. But then, I saw that she was doing everything she could to dismiss me from my children's lives. My money was more than welcome, but my influence, parenting, decisions and my very exsistence was not. From the get-go, I have fought with her on every point: religion, schooling, sports activities, clothing, haircuts, toys, visitation, discipline. She told my kids that I did not love them and that's why I abandoned them (this is the truth, I kid you not.) She said that she was their new mom and what she said goes, she is the boss. She documents everything that I say and do in a little journal (like how my younger daughter got lost at the flea market in Hawaii--she ran off and I spent 20 minutes in tears trying to find her, but this was my fault because I was not paying attention, according to the little journal. How my girls got sunburned at Waikiki--sorry, those UV rays--due to poor parenting on my part. How my dad's 5-pound rat terrier bit my oldest daugher--she was teasing him--because I allow her around vicious animals.) The pettiness makes me laugh sometimes, but sometimes, I get outright angry. Just to visit my children takes an hour long interrogation on when and where I am coming to get them, what they will be doing while they are with me, where they will go, who I will be with, and when will they be coming back. This might sound reasonable to you all, but it makes me angry--these are my little girls, and I am a good mom. I will not be talked down to. (By the way, I only talk to ex when she commands him to, with a missive from her to me. She does not trust him around me.)<P>I have been at parent teacher conferences where she has literally stepped in front of me and interrupted my discussion with the teacher because "she knows better." It burns her up when, at my daughter's softball games, they will not acknowledge her and will sit with me between innings. It's childish how she acts.<P>It is perfectly okay if I max out my credit card on new clothes, coats and shoes (because they would wear ragged hand-me-downs from her kids if I didn't.) The more gifts from me, the better, unless of course, it appears that my children are doing better than her children in receiving gifts, then I am asked not to send them. I usually buy all of their school supplies. I MUST bring them home well-fed (meaning dinner just before they are brought home, no matter what has being going on) or else it will be documented in the little journal that I did not care enough to feed them while they are with me. They must shower and wash their hair hours prior to coming home, or else it means that I did not attend their hygiene. Failure to do this earns a documentation in the little journal.<P>If I ever confront her on anything alone, no matter how well I control my temper or rehurse my speech, she tells my ex what a b**ch I am, and he calls me up at her bidding and yells at me for tormenting his wife. I can't win with her.<P>Nevertheless, I have a wonderful relationship with my children, folks. I feel now as if I have never been apart from them. I struggle a little with my younger daughter, she was a baby when her father took custody of her, but all in all, we do well. <P>My oldest daughter told me a few weeks ago that she would like to be baptised into my faith--this was completely without my counsel or prompting. And my younger daughter followed suit. After the baptism and confirmation, I was driving them home to their father's house, and I looked over at my youngest daughter. She was crying. She said "Mom, why do we have to go back there tonight? Why can't we stay with you? I hate it there!"<P>Well, anyway, to all of you guys that pay child support, here is the testimony of a woman that does it too. I really don't think it is a gender thing anymore. Sadly, it depends upon who has the money, about who gets the money. Sometimes it depends upon who is the one who walks away, but unfortunately not always (guess it was sort of, in my case.)<P>My advise to you: If you love those kids, and truly think that you can give them a good life, and that you can put away your anger enough to be good to the other spouse: THEN DON'T BACK DOWN!!! Beg borrow and steal to get money for good reprentation, and don't be lax about it. Be smart about your rights and the needs of your children. These are your kids, for gosh sake. You brought them into the world. Protect them. And fight for them.<P>And don't use them as pawns to get to the other parent--guard yourself closely; sometimes if you think that you are not doing that, sometimes you are. Sometimes you are not acting in their best interest when you assume you are.<P>But don't back down. Look into the future of your family, no matter how disconnected your family will become. I learned the hard way.<P>

There is no consistency between states. In my state, the custodial parent is responsible for daycare. The more income the custodial parent makes after daycare, the less child support the non-custodial parent has to pay. Child support only go up to three children. If you have more, if the judge decides, child support may go up 2%. It matters not if you have 12 children. As my lawyer said, the non-custodial parent's financial needs are determined first. The non-custodial parent can never be ordered to pay more than he/she can "reasonably" afford while leaving him enough to live on - even if he has 12 kids and as a result they do not have enough to eat. <P>Although theoretically the non-cusodial parent can not get his child support reduced by quiting a high paying job, there is no way a court can force him/her to be a good enough employee to keep or get a good job. If, after the divorce, he becomes argumentative with his coworkers, stops being a team player, or perhaps even if he frequently doesn't show up at work or shows up drunk, and therefore stops being able to keep/find a decent job, the court will base his support on his new, lower or non-existant income. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited December 08, 2000).]

I think it was at one of the divorce recovery workshops I attended that the instructor told us the best way to make a blended family work is to basically "adopt" the new spouse's kids. That you need to treat them the same as if they are yours.<P>I think this very same thing broke up a recent relationship. The woman said she was afraid her kids would be #3 in a our relationship because she wouldn't let me treat her kids like I treat mine. She felt I am too easy on them, and I probably am, but on the same hand I felt she was too strict in some instances with hers and then turn around and be too lenient. An example would be she wouldn't let her kids drink pop anytime they wanted. I do, but it is usually only on some weekends. But she let her kids 12 & 13 yo boys sleep with her anytime they wanted, plus she allowed them to stay up late on school nights. It really freaked me out when my d (13 yo) crawled into bed with me when she couldn't sleep a couple times over the past summer. I made her go back to her own bed where I laid with her a while. I always kind of wondered how she/they will handle it when she marries. Will she allow them to do this into her marital bed. Well that will be her problem.

Bernzini,<P>Thank you for sharing your story!<P>"Nevertheless, I have a wonderful relationship with my children, folks. I feel now<BR>as if I have never been apart from them. I struggle a little with my younger daughter, she was a baby when her father took custody of her, but all in all, we do well."<P>This may not mean much coming from a complete stranger but you are one h**l of a woman in my opinion! One more comment, thanks for serving our country! That in itself can be pure torture being away from family, let alone your kids. I appreciate what you have done for yourself, your kids and your country!<P>Ragamuffin