Almost 9 months from our d-day I signed and so did my STBXH our marriage settlement agreement. Now it goes to the courts for approval - supposedly his attorney is going to walk it through so that it gets finalized in time for his marriage to his OW on 1/1/01. My STBXH did not want to even try to work out things with me - he had run away from home and was 1800 miles away from his family so it was easy for him to make the decision to divorce. Only thing is that his OW/fiancee has many of the same qualities that I have - gregarious, close to family and loves to entertain - these were all reasons why he left me. All of my friends tell me that I will be better off without him and that as the saying goes "wherever you go - there you are" (he has only been to individual counseling 3 or 4 times). I guess I am grieving the loss of my marriage - I loved being married and I believe that I really loved him - had accepted him even with all of his faults. Also realize that a part of me is permanently gone - that naivete or innocence that believed that no one that I could trust or love as much as I did my ex-husband would ever hurt me as much as he did (he has continually lied to me for the last 18 months). From now on I will always have in the back of my mind that a person can potentially hurt you - emotionally annihilate you. What I am trying to learn from this experience is to learn to trust my instincts, communicate my thoughts and feelings and not be afraid to stand up for what is important for me. Also my STBXH has not come to terms with the damage that he has inflicted upon our 11 yo D - thinks her life will pretty much be the same as it had been.

Barrington, <P>What you are saying is so true. He really did run away and it probably was a lot easier for him to let go, because he had time to prepare for it and you did not. And of course he picked someone who has some of your qualities, because at one point years ago, you met his ENs and now he has turned to someone else for that. <P>Of course you are absolutely grieving the loss of your marriage. At some point you loved him--and also at some point HE loved YOU and you felt loved and lovely. Now that the agreement is signed, it's "for real". It's really over and you are not married anymore. It is natural to feel almost exactly as if someone has died--but the entity that died was not a person, it was an intimate relationship. <P>Last, but not least, you absolutely did lose part of yourself--or more accurately it was taken from you. As long as you live, you will never ever believe in that naive, fairytale ending again. It will be a small voice in the back of your head that at any moment the NEXT guy could emotionally wipe you out.<P>But Barrington, luckily that is not the end of the story. He did run away, you are grieving, and you did lose part of yourself, BUT you are and will gain too. You did NOT run away, but bravely faced the situation as it happened. You learned courage and strength and bravery AND you know you can depend upon yourself. You lost childish naivete, and although it's a loss not to have that, you gained wisdom and maturity and yet retained the childish ability to have fun and play. You may not innocently believe in "happily ever after", but you wisely know that you CAN find someone wonderful, you need to work on the relationship, but the work is a pleasure. And you may not feel very trusting and you're afraid you'll be hurt again, BUT you gained strength of character, self-assurance, self-esteem, and knowledge to discern those who are trustworthy and those who are not.<P>Furthermore, you are now free to learn about yourself, to improve yourself more and more every day, to enjoy life and things that YOU enjoy...<P>Hope this helps bring a small ray of hope!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

{{{{{{{{{{{BARRINGTON}}}}}}}<P>Mine ran away too. Didn't even bother to try. I had no clue it was coming. Its going on a year and it took a good 9 months for us to be divorced, and I have this EERIE feeling ex is going to propose to OW very shortly, possibly on holiday . (he gave me my ring on xmas, then walked out on xmas, go figure).<P>The damage inflicted is very hard to undo. I believe its even worse on girls. I have 3. Two really understand whats going on. The youngest, age 3, really doesn't.<P>I can't imagine someone walking away,but I lived thru it so I guess thats how it goes.<P>Take care of you and your daughter. What comes around may go around with them and I really don't think many relationships that start off an affair will last. By the time it crumbles, you'll be well settled into your new life.<P>There are ALWAYS BETTER MEN out there.<P>Be strong, good luck at the holidays, Dana<BR>