Well, it appears that the end is approaching---can actually say I tried as hard as I could. Really have found this site to be a great help---by reading of all of the similarities and by your answering my posts. But the question I have now is what all types of fears/concerns should I expect to feel. Currently, I am afraid that I will never open up my heart to this type of pain again. I know not all women will be like my wife, but damned if I don't feel a little gun shy now. I plan on keeping the house and taking care of my two teen-age girls. Will my children be able to accept another woman? Will I accept another woman's children? What if she wants more!!!!! Will I tend to compare my current wife to future women? I need the voice of the experienced.

desperately confused,<P>Yes you will be able to "open your heart" again. It will take time, but it will happen. Not sure how far along you are in the process, so all I can say is fasten your seatbelt, you have just got on the roller-coaster ride of emotions of your life.<P>My advice: Don't fight the emotions you will be feeling. Go with them. If you feel sad, feel sad. Work through your emotions, not against them.<P>Both sorry and happy to see you hear. Ask away, there are many good people here who are more than willing to help you through this. And like you mention in your post, there are definitely similarities in all our situations, don't ever think you are alone or feeling something that no one else has experienced. Let us know your thoughts and we will definitely be able to help.<P>Mike

Thanks for the encouragement, but what other feelings/fears may I expect in the future?<P>------------------<BR>

Where to start! <P>The fear of not being able to survive financially.<P>the fear that no-one else will ever find you attractive.<P>The fear of being alone for the rest of your life.<P>The fear that your spouse will be able to get on with their life faster than you.<P>Anyone else like to chime in here!<P>Mike

Well, I would just have to echo my brother Mike's statement, since our situations seem identical so often.<P>Surviving financially was a big one. I think I can make it on my own, but a major income drop would do me in rather quickly, The 35% reduction in income was a big scare.<P>Attractiveness to the opposite sex. Yep. can't imagine myself as being attractive right now. After all, she dumped me.<P>Definitely don't want to be alone forever. I really would like someone to share my life with. <P>I do know that she's gotten on with her life, but she was planning it a long time ago I suspect, so she had quite a head start.<P>Will I be able to raise my son into the man I want him to be. If my STBX marries her boy scout, will the OM try to take over as his father? I think that one scares me more than anything, because all I really have left that matters to me is my son. I'm trying as hard as I can to grow into a better man and father than I was before, so I can help him be the best man he can be. I can't stand the idea of someone else instilling their values in my son.<P>One last fear is that if I ever give my heart to another, that I'll get it ripped out again. It's going to take me a long time to get past that one.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

I second many of the fears that have been listed. I only work part-time (my STBXH made a lot of money and I only wanted to work part-time so I could be home with my daughter) so now I have to find full-time work and my daughter has to get adjusted to child care. I also fear getting hurt again, rejected and blindsided. I pretty much was the dateless wonder before I met my ex (we met when I was 33) and so I think it is likely I will continue on with my single life legacy. I also fear not having those physical and sexual feelings for someone. I am still pretty numb from how my ex dumped me and how quickly I am being replaced. But everyone says life does get better - I just have to be patient and let it happen<P>To Nick,<BR>I am always so impressed with your posts. Your feelings are so similar to mine but I was dumped several months before you were. I also am trying to focus on my daughter - follow through with promises that I make her - something that her dad is not doing very well of as late. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery and I am sure when you are ready you will find someone that loves and respects you. I also want this in my life - when life opens a door for you be ready to walk through it.

dc,<BR>These are all normal fears and they are completly baseless. But you must give yourself time above all else.<P>My biggest fear is I will screw up my kid's life by not raising them right even though I am doing the best I can.

My biggest fear - at this point - is spending the nights alone... I'm really big on curling into a warm body, and I'm going to miss that. Somehow that was the only part of our relationship that didn't suck. I just can't handle the apathy in the entire rest of it, including the way he treats our children. <P>I don't want to be single forever - I've been a single parent for a long time, and I NEVER wanted to, but I want a real relationship where I can share my life - and my significant other can share his. <P>I now come as a package deal - and I fear that I might not find someone who will care about my children the way I do - or even the way I want them to... I want someone to share these wonderful blessings with... If HE has children too - THE MORE THE MERRIER!!!! I love kids, part time, full time, all the time, I love kids.<P>Financially, emotionally, physically, I'm gonna be fine! I've been alone in this marriage for a long time. Not sure this makes sense - I'm still a beginner here... <BR>

Thank you everyone----I had not thought of the one of another man taking over with any of my fatherly issues. Hate that SOB and he not even exist !!!!! I have gotten so much support from reading here---I feel a little guilty that my wife has not found this type of support. Does anyone know of a web site that she may get some emotional support? I don't know how she can live with the quilt. As we do the normal little things for Christmas, I can see her twinge, realizing this will be the last time we decorate the house as a family. Is there a web site titled "support forum for walk away spouses"?

I'm not sure to many of them would ever admit the need for support. Mine certainly wouldn't. She acts like she's fine and we're just transitioning from being life partners, to just "good friends". I don't think she has any idea what she's done to me emotionally, and if she did, I'm not sure she would really care. <P>Not to sound mean, but I hope a little that someday my STBX gets hurt by someone as bad as she hurt me.<P>Sorry, that needed to come out.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

I hear ya cooker, but I remove those thoughts as quickly as I can. Currently, my wife has been reading a lot of astrological info---did a compatability quiz on us!!!!! That is her source of quality thinking of our issues. Although, it is nice to know that some other man, born on the same day, same year, would also not receive a second chance, and have his total heart busted!!!!!!!<BR>

Unfortunately the fear of not being able to survive financially is far from baseless. The children and I are living, if you can call it that, on an income 62% lower than what we used to have as a family - and we were going into debt for college then. There is a good possibility we will end up homeless at some point. But the non-custodial parent never has to worry about that, when he has an OW who can easily afford to support him.

Nellie---sorry for your situation. I will have 2 in college this fall. However, I do make pretty good money---have my budget figured out without her income(and without her expenses too).<P>Now for a more positive update----checked our computer this morning--she has moved from astrology to palm readings. Now I feel better----this will be a great source of information for her to decide what the hell she wants to do!!!!! I need to change some of my lines on my hand----before she gets back---anyone have any ideas?

seekingjoy,<P>Don't fear so much being a "package deal". I have a couple friends who married women with children and are very happy. And I also have to admit that the possibility of meeting someone who may already have a family does not scare me in the least. I really believe that "fear" is something that maybe years ago had some basis, but these days with so many divorces occuring, men have matured much further as a whole. I don't think they are as apprehensive to marrying into a premade family as they used to be.<P>Sure it adds a level of complexity to a relationship, but all relationships have one form or another of complexity.<P>Mike

desperately confused<P>"Currently, I am afraid that I will never open up my heart to this type of pain again."<P>You will have what you have experienced (the good, the bad and the ugly) with you at all times right there between your ears. Along with the MB principles you have learned, I don't see how you can go wrong. Life is a gamble but with all you have learned don't be afraid to put your out on the table again. I am finding out why there is the saying "good guys finish last". I never gave a "good guy" a chance to be in my life. It took alot of years to face up to the bad choices I have made in the past. I compiled a checklist of qualities that a guy would have to have to be in my life, great guideline and it works.<P>Best of luck,<BR>Ragamuffin<BR>(a hopeless romantic with scars on her heart but she ain't dead yet)

dc,<P>I let it go pretty fast too. I find I need to let myself get mad at her a little every once in awhile, just like I need to be sad & cry every once in awhile.<P>Can't help you with the palm readings. think she'd fall for some lines drawn on? <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Well, I have learned a hard lesson. My next relationship will be with someone who isn"t a WAW. Who do these people latch up with the next time? Other WASs? As I think about it, there would be no pain like we have----hell---they'd be running from each other!!!!!