I need advice from someone who "has been there." I have two children. My husband moved out August. He has since started seeing someone else. I am still in love with my husband and want to work things out but he has no desire to do so. We live in a small town and I am extremely hurt/jealous/devastated each time I hear about one of his dates. I can't help feel like she's The Other Woman and one of the reasons why he won't even try to work on things between us. My children do not know he is dating her - they just think she's someone he knows. They will be devastated when they find out he's moved on so quickly (he started seeing her almost immediately - but insists that it is just casual dating/companionship and nothing sexual yet.) and since he goes to very public places with her they are bound to find out. I am so hurt by this that I don't know how to deal with him yet I have to because we have joint custody and the kids go with him two nights a week and every other weekend. I can barely look at him in the eye or hold a conversation with him because he has hurt me so much over this, I don't know how to deal with HER, and I don't know what to do about the kids and HER ...help! <P>------------------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.<p>[This message has been edited by soon2b_alone (edited December 15, 2000).]

I'm in a similar situation, only with an "OM" instead (I suspect). I deal with it by pretending he doesn't exist. My son & I do not discuss him, (or my STBX for that matter) when it's my week. <P>It's hard to do, but I found it a lot easier to live by letting her go & letting the pain fade. The best part about plan A is what it does for you. Concentrate on you & your children. Take up a new hobby. Keep busy, that's the key.<P>I pick my son up from school at the start of my week, and take him yo yhe bus at the end. All of my communication with her is either about my son, or settling things up for the divorce.<P>The key is to let go and move on. Notice I didn't say give up. I haven't. But I'm not sitting around waiting for her to come back. I'm working to improve myself as a person and a father, becoming stronger and more independent.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Nick,<P>Do you ever encounter the OM in your daily life though? How do you handle that? It is such a raw wound for me I just don't know what to do yet I don't want to feel like I have to leave my own health club or the grocery story or whatever because she's there. I'm a teacher and this is a small town...there's a very real potential that someday her child could be my student - just imagine the parent/teacher conferences... <P>------------------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

I've seen him occasionally when I pick my son up from school. I just ignore him. I think he has a pretty good idea how I feel about him, so he maintains a fair distance. It's very infrequent though. <P>In your case I would shop where I wanted to and work out where I wanted to. You have nothing to be ashamed of. She does. I know how tough it is to see the person you were replaced with. It hurts and it's a huge self esteem blow. Stand your ground, don't give in and let your life be run by her. Imknow that it's real easy for me to say that, but If you make a conscious effort not rearrange your life to avoid contact with her, I suspect the encounters will become less uncomfortable. Maybe she'll start avoinding you.<P>I wish I could be more help.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

ooops, I hate it when I do that...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited December 07, 2000).]

soon2b_alone<P>there must be a way within your school system to exclude her from being in your class, or you can change grades down one when she is scheduled to move into your grade.<P>However, I suspect that once you heal and get over it, and have accepted it, then your dealing with seeing them in the grocery store won't be so bad!<P>I know the first time i met each one of the OM, i did want to leave very quickly. And the X seems to think that this is great somehow! <not><P>the kids don't tell me what goes on in X's house, but I encourage them to tell X what goes on in my house so that she knows.<P>It gets easier in time. Once they are married, then it pretty well becomes a permanent part of your children's life. Honestly, try to figure out which person is easier to deal with regarding the kids, and<BR>then use that person to schedule stuff.<P>The other part i suspect that you need to work on is understanding what went wrong, and what you have contributed to the demise of the marriage. then learn to forgive yourself as we are all human and all make mistakes, we just need to learn from them.<P>Finally, deal with "them" in very small doses, and practice eye contact, holding your head high in that you didn't give up, etc.<BR>it's hard, i failed the first several times,<BR>and so far, X hasn't allowed us to intersect, but then they are not living together, yet.<P>But keep trying to heal personally, although pretending they don't exist makes it hard when you do come into contact, but that is just my humble opinion.<P>anyone else figure out how to deal with OP?<P>Cinderella? any words of wisdom?<P>WIFTTy

cOOker, (and everyone else too)<P>You and I have a lot in common as well as your stbx and mine. It sounds as if our relationships dissolved in the same way and about the same time frame. My husband moved out August and said "give up all hope" toward the end of September. We filed the initial paperwork Nov. If we didn't live on opposite coasts I'd begin to wonder if they hadn't been trading notes on how to dump a spouse. (I've been reading some of your other posts/threads).<P>I finally made the decision yesterday that I have to be a friend to this person that I still love. Not just because of Plan A or B, but because it is the most constructive thing I can do for ME. To live in a jealous rage, or to deal with him while overwhelmed with a pity party and my own hurt and anger only helps him to justify leaving me. Plus it makes me feel depressed/angry/etc and my kids pick up on my feelings and try to comfort me. They should not have to deal with role-reversal parenting.<P>Oddly enough, I came to this conclusion while watching a biography of Linda Evans (the Dynasty actress). In it, she was talking about when her husband, John Derek, left her for Bo Derek. She said she was at first devastated but came to realize that she truly loved him and that real love would never want to seek revenge or put pain on the object of their love. So she wished him the happiness he was seeking and went on with her life. The point was that SHE was at peace with herself because she did not allow herself to wallow in the negative feelings. She didn't hate her husband, she hated his actions. She allowed herself the freedom to love him even though she wasn't with him.<P>I have to say, the decision has lightened my load quite a bit. I'm sure I will cycle down again but hopefully not as low as before. I do not like myself when I am in "that" place. It is not "me."<P>This is probably the biggest growth in me through this whole experience. <BR>It is my hope that he can see a difference in me by the way I deal with this ultimate conflict - the looming divorce. Only time will tell.<P>Good luck for you.<P>------------------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.<p>[This message has been edited by soon2b_alone (edited December 15, 2000).]

Hi Lisa,<P>You know, the similarities are quite interesting, although, the longer I post in here, the more people I find in here who are going through almost identical processes.<P>I too truly still love her. I'm almost over the "in love part", but I still have a strong emotional attachment to her. (probably will have for some time) A lot of my friends and family don't understand. I don't know if what I feel for will ever be friendship. I feel it would be in my sons best interests for us to remain friendly and I am very careful not to disparage her in front of him (or anyone else for that matter).<P>There are ups and downs, of course, but they gradually become less prononunced. I find that the more I spend in my plan A mode, the less I think of her and all of the things about our relationship that I miss. <P>You sound a little better. The hard part is the patience and time part. It takes both.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

It is difficult, almost impossible sometimes, to get to the point where you can accept your husband with another woman -- especially with your children present!<BR>I found that as long as I didn't know what he was doing with OW I was ok. But the minute he'd involve my three children in outings or situations with the OW, then I'd completely come undone. It has been two years since he walked out on us and I am still having a tremendous struggle dealing with another woman taking my place. <BR>In your case, the fact that your H. picked up with this woman so soon after moving out highly suggests that he had some involvement with her prior to the move. Maybe nothing physical, but probably something more than "just friends," the line they all throw at us when we ask them questions about OP.<BR>Because of this, prepare yourself for the strong possibility that this OW will be asking him when she is going to meet the kids. She's probably heard so much about them from him that she's just dying to meet them, if for no other reason than proof from him that she's "worthy" of meeting them. I hope I'm not being hurtful by mentioning these other things but I've heard all the lies before and when the truth unfolded I was shocked and hurt worse than if he'd told me upfront what was going on -- e.g. that he'd been involved with the woman even before he moved out, that they were definitely more than "just friends," that they were sleeping together after only a couple of months or less. <BR>In hindsight, I wish I'd gone back to work right away instead of nursing my wounds. The more people we surround ourselves with the better off we are, I think. <BR>

Hi soon2-b-alone,<P>I have no great words of wisdom for you I'm sorry. The person my ex-h first had an affair with was a co-worker. Aren't they all. I never met her. Spoke to her on the phone and kept my cool, but never actually met. She never met my children. My ex-h is now on his 5th piece of fluff since we broke up. This one has met my children, and spends time with them, which just about killed me.<BR>I posted here that night when I found out thank God, because for the first time ever I thought about doing something drastic. I couldn't deal with that, or so I thought. But I did.<P>I have never met her, or spoken to her. I don't feel the need to. I guess if it really is serious betw. them, I will meet her one day. On that day I hope I can hold my head up high, and make my children proud of me. And make me proud of me. Of course I fantasise about all the *****y things I could say, but in my mind, that would only drive them closer to each other. Not what I want!!!!!!!! As long as she is genuinelly good to my children, and doesn't use them against me or hurt them, I don't have a problem with her.<BR>I always said to my ex-h that only one woman would ever get grief from me, and that was the one he had an affair with. Nobody else was involved in our marriage break-up but her. So this new gf will get no grief from me.<P>Don't hang your head, you have done NOTHING to be ashamed of. I wouldn't suggest you go looking for her, but if you do happen to run into her, look her in the eye and walk away. As far as school goes, could you talk to your principal? If her child is ever placed in your grade, surely they could be placed in a different class. I know our schools have about 3 or 4 classes of each grade.<P>This is so hard, and it's not fair, but it has happened and we must deal with it. And in doing so, we become better and stronger people for it. someone has just posted to me about my priorities. (They were a bit skew-whiff)<BR>You need to look at your priorities, which should be YOU and your children. Take care of you and do something nice for yourself. Have your hair done, or your nails done, or something equally as delicious. You deserve it.<P>All you did was love your husband. Don't ever be ashamed of that. Look her in the eye, and know that you are the better person. <P>my hugs to you, and I'll be thinking of you<P>Jo<P>