My H has never participated in parenting, and has never been our sole support. I often provide more financial support than he does for the family, and security has always been my responsibility. <P>What do I tell the kids? About the seperation? About divorce? When they ask if they will see their Dad?<P>If I couldn't convince him to be a father while we were married, I doubt if it will change after the divorce... He's got a past history of distancing himself from any relationships that 'go bad'. HE's long threatened to 'just dissappear if I EVER filed for child support' and I don't doubt that he will. I won't however allow that threat to prevent me from filing for it. <P>I'm not sure what the end result will be - I'd really prefer to salvage the marriage - but I'm not sure that's an option - he isn't willing - and hasn't been interested in any manner of working at the marriage. Maybe if I do the FINAL step - he'll wake up - but I really doubt it! I don't believe he wants to work at it... He just wants the benefits of being married (namely - a partner in the bedroom) and I'm unwilling to continue with ONLY that benefit. I'm looking for advice with the kids - not the marriage - I think the marriage is HISTORY.

help us by telling us their ages.<P>age appropriateness is always very helpful.<P>WIFTT<BR>

My son is 9.<P>On October 8th, his mother and I sat down and told him our family as he knew it was changing forever. It broke my heart to watch his world fall apart like that. Of all the things my STBX has done, not giving an honest effort to save our family, at least for the sake of our son, bothers me the most. I'll never forget the look on his face for the rest of my life.<P>No matter what you say, or how you say it, a parent is always that to the child. I think it is important not to bash the ex, or allow anyone else do it in front of the child.<P>The truth is always good, but the age of the child needs to be taken into account.<P>A very tough question with no easy answers.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Girl - 15 - she knows what's going on - understands completely.<P>Girl - 10 - isn't really aware of what is happening at all. Just realizes that things are changing at home.<P>Boy - 7 - isn't aware of anything.<P>Boy - 5 - isn't aware of anything.<P>All of them are aware that Mom is a basically single parent and has been for many years. Dad is there sometimes, but for answers, I am the one they turn to. I'll be the one who has to tell them about this - he won't be there - he's seldom home.<P><p>[This message has been edited by seekingjoy (edited December 07, 2000).]

My son was 8.5 and my d was 12 wehn we told them that their mother was leaving. At first she told them, while I wasn't home after we had agreed to do it together. <P>I'm not sure what she told them but they thought she was going for a trip or something. She basically lied to them. I told them the truth, that we were separating because we could not live together, and that it had nothing to do with either of them. We really emphasized that.<P>After all reconciliations broke down and we knew we were divorcing we again sat down with them and told them we were divorcing and again it had nothing to do with them. <P>We immediately got the kids into counseling at that time. My son's main concern was were was he going to live. When we told him at his home with me, he was satisfied. I think he thought he would have to move and leave everything behind. My daughter's only concern seemed to be whether or not she had to go to court. I know she has other issues, but they are strictly with her mother.<P>Just point out to them where they will live and with whom. Don't promise visitation by your h, that will be up to him. Let him discuss that. Thay will keep you out of the middle.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>Bob

Bob, thanks for your response. <P>I'm not sure he will be willing to tell them 'together' - and I won't lie to them. I've always been upfront and honest with the kids. I'm sure they are aware that this is a possibility - and they do know about divorce. My sister divorced her husband a couple of years ago... it was more a mutual decision than ours is. Amazingly enough at some point over the past several years - all four of our kids have said, "Mom, we should just let Dad live somewhere else if he would be happier." I'm really struggling tonight - I just signed the final papers today - and sent them back to the attorney - starting it all in process - not sure when they will serve his papers... Guess I wasn't expecting the sudden drop in emotion... I know this is the only choice I have left at this point, he may have a few - but mine are very limited right now. I've tried almost everything else - and I can't continue the way we have. <P>I'm going to get some sleep I'm exhausted from the stress of today - and I've got a long weekend ahead... Say a prayer for me - please.

seekingjoy... I'd hate to see any family break up, even when it sounds like that's already happened. I remember thinking that my life after divorce wouldn't be all that different than being married as my (now ex-) husband was rarely around, not much of a father, etc., except that at the time he was the main source of financial support. Well, I was right - and wrong. Day to day life is pretty much the same, I work and can support myself and the kids and the child support ensures we can remain in the only home the kids have ever known. The difference is that I am sooo much happier not living a lie and not walking on eggshells anymore. The kids see their father more now than they did when he "lived here", and I believe that the time they spend with him is much better quality.<P>That doesn't happen for everyone, so you'll have to think long and hard before you decide to take that step.<P>Filing for divorce isn't likely to make him wake up, so <I>please</I> don't take that step thinking that it will. Odds are the younger three know much more than you think they do. Tell them the truth, with as much information as you believe is appropriate. My ex and I sat the kids down together to announce that he was moving out. He told them while I sat and cried. It was really sad; the younger two cried but my oldest, like yours, knew and expected it. If the two of you decide to take that step, do your best to remain on good terms and speak well of one another in the kids' presence. <P>Do insist on everything you and the kids are legally entitled to. You don't really have to even discuss it with your husband, that's what lawyers are for and you can blame it on them.<P>Good luck whatever happens.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie