It seems that many (most?) of you here were on the receiving end of the divorce proceedings (not to mention on the receiving end of being betrayed).<P>Well, I'm on the receiving end of being betrayed, yet I'm still Plan A'ing my butt off (there is not much of it left, though ).<P>So to be honest, I'm beginning to wonder more and more about whether I should be the one to throw in the towel at some point. I know it's very un-MB-like, so I do plan to hold on a while longer.<P>But in the meantime, I was wondering if those of you who have been in my situation, and finally could take no more of the "limbo" and filed for divorce, could tell me a little about how you finally decided that it was time. And if you had any regrets...<P>Thanks in advance,<P>AGG

AGG,<BR>My x started the paperwork in Aug of 99 and my lawyer had their second proposal when we attempted another reconciliation(I think this was #3 or 4). <P>So x fired her lawyer and I told mine that I wasn't too sure what was going to happen and to hang on to the papers for a couple months and if things worked out I would come in a pay him. This was in Oct 99.<P>During the first week of reconciliation, then wife, would come to the house, come in, come to me and kiss me. She was also calling me everyday. Then the second week, she started just walking in a sitting down. She was still calling daily. We went out on a Sat nite and she started telling me about how God doesn't answer prayers, but is just there for us in the after life. This was from a person who claimed to be a borne again Christian. When I sat there dumbfounded, she said thats why our marriage was over because I couldn't discuss things.<P>The following Tues was my birthday and she didn't call so I called her and she started yelling at me. I said there had to be more to this than me calling her and I asked if she was seeing om again again and she said yes, that they were talking again.<P>At that point I said I was done and immediately called my lawyer and got an appointment for the next day. When she stopped by that night to give me the birthday gifts(which I told her to stuff) she said I couldn't do that, but I said it was too late. <P>So she ended up going with me to the my lawyers and we finished up the papers in about a half hour.<P>So I did restart the papers she had started.<P>Am I sorry, sometimes I second guess myself. Maybe I should have waited longer. But she really drained my love banks, I lost all faith and trust in her. In looking at her a year later, I know I did the right thing. She has never looked back. Our marriage was over from the time the EA started. The fact that she never really tried to work on the marriage, we went to 3 different counselors and she trashed me to all of them, the short duration of our reconciliations, after d, the first lasted about month, the second lasted about 5 hrs, another lasted about a day, and the last about a week. I just couldn't take it any more.<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited December 08, 2000).]

Good Guy, sorry to hear of your situation. I never found conclusive proof that I was betrayed, just that my STBX lost all interest in me, had a real problem with being close physically, and ther was of course several suspicious things like lying and unexplained absences. While my STBX was the one to say I'm not in love any more, I filed. I tried Plan A for a year with no real improvement on her side. She would try a little, but if things were not perfect from my side, well that just was not good enough for her. She finally quit trying at all, admitted I had done a 180 and was recommitted to the marriage, but she could not find it in herself to try. <BR>So Good Guy, when you keep trying and finally you realize that it is taking your life down the tubes, with no hope in sight that will be your sign. For me it was not a flashbulb, more like a gradual realization, that my STBX was using my good faith for her benefit, not ours. Everyone is different, you may have the steam to do a Plan A for a year, 6 months, but you will know inside yourself when it is too much. I think all of us who are committed her at MB don't want to give up. For me though I had to. My STBX is like kryptonite, I always want to believe she will want to come back, be my wife, and all that it should be. Right now though I know that this will not happen, so I filed so I could move along, she asked for the divorce then got mad when I filed. Then in a later conversation said,"Well you filed." as if it absolved her of all responsibility. Real mature, right? Some people are not capable of a long term loving relationship. They have internal issues that cause them to be too selfish to look themselves in the mirror, see that marriage is 50/50 and realize that all marriages are going to evolve and change. That they must be part of that. That it isn't all about them, it's all about us. <BR>Good Guy I wish you luck, if you can make the marriage work do so. If you don't see your wife coming out of the fog, and staying out, well you need to be on your way. Right now you probably feel low. Hang in there. If it works out great. If it doesn't then that hurts, but you must move on. This is something that is going to take the both of you to get through. One bit of advice I have for Plan A is be strong enough to say no sometimes when things really hurt your comfort level. In other words set some barriers. If she does not respect you she won't fall in love with you. <BR>Good Luck!

I filed even though I was the betrayed one. Also the marriage took place in California where I still live with our 11 yo D but STBXH lives in Colorado now. Community property laws are better in California than in Colorado. I felt I needed to file in order to extricate myself from him financially. He is a notoriously bad money manager. While we were married I tried very hard to keep us out of debt. I viewed this quality as a virtue and he viewed it as a character flaw. Aside, when I told my attorney that we had no debt except our mortgage he said "That's Un-American". My ex is marrying his OW two weeks after our divorce is finalized. She is getting her MBA in finance so my guess is that she will eventually start handling their finances, pay the bills etc. just like I did. This way he can resent her just like he did me two or three years down the road. Lots of Luck!

I filed. Finally. <BR>And XH went along with it.<BR>Same old stuff: I led, he followed.<BR>Reminds me that once our second counselor (second!) noted "But you have so much POWER."<BR>Crap, I didn't WANT "power."<BR>I wanted a PARTNERSHIP. <BR>Instead, I got to lead.<BR>Again. Sort of.<BR>Of course, it was really passive/aggressive power on my XH's part.<BR>He had plenty of power when he wanted it.<BR>He went along with the counseling so that no one could ever say he was unreasonable or obstructionist or whatever.<BR>The straw that broke the back was the day I got up off the table at the outpatient surgery center after having a biopsy on my breast (turned out to be calcifications, but the mammogram sure did look threatening) and I'd had to go to the appt. alone.<BR>Why did I have to go alone?<BR>Because one more time, his work came first and he "just didn't see how" he could go with me because he had a sales call that morning, blah, blah, blah. As I adjusted my clothes, picked up my purse, wiped away some tears and walked out to the car, I decided that was IT, and a week later, once the report came back clean, I said, "It's time file, I'm done."

I, too, filed, but it was after two+ yrs of an internet affair, and when he finally admitted to me that he wanted out, I filed. <P>I felt like RWD, in the respect that did I give him enough time, etc. But as he said, looking back, our marriage was over as soon as he was entwined in the affair. His mind was made up at that point. We did counseling, sep. a few times....but he kept going back. <P>As Skyhigh has said, just be sure you have done everything possible to save your marriage. If you feel you have, then you must do what you can to save yourself. Plan A can work, but it a hard thing to do for months, or years as Dr. H says you should do. But it is do-able, many here on the boards have saved their marriages with his techniques. But not all of us!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

x had the papers drawn up and told me he was filing the next day only after I overheard him tell his sister over the telephone. (Monitor in child's room came in very handy that night.)4 or 5 months late he moved out.<P>11 months later, he had his petition for a divorce dismissed on our anniversary, but (again) without telling me. <P>Almost two years later, on his birthday, I filed. Counselor and I had both decided this guy was/is sick and that I was too stressed out to go on any longer. Just from stress I was in and out of clinical depression and was about 5 heartbeats a minute away from tachycardia. Both situations got better after I filed but long before we went to court. <P>We went to court almost a year after I filed.<P>And Monday will be the second anniversary of my filing and taking charge of my life.

My ex was the betrayer... he left Nov of 98<BR>He also was the one to file, (irreconcilerable differences) in May of 99<P><BR>I wanted it changed to abandonment, but that meant I had to then be the one to file, and I didn`t even want the divorce.<P>AND my lawyer told me, if I changed it, I would have to be the one to pay the final paper work.. and there was no way I was paying for something I didn`t want in the first place.. so it was left with him filing irreconcilerable differences.. <P>He is not sorry about this divorce, he has absolutly no remorse, he is only sorry about *HIS* financial losses from the divorce.. money has always come first... everyone and everything else was always secondary! <P>I married the biggest non-comunicater in the whole entire universe... so much so, that he now treats me as non-exsistant.. <P>He won`t even act civil for his daughters sake.. (she is turning 13 in a mth).<P>he uses our D as a go between to relate messages to me, because he refuses to talk to me, like a human being..<P>what more can I say.. It is all still so very heart breaking..<P>AV <P> <P><BR>

I filed, citing adultry, after doing everything I possibly could to avoid what, looking back, was inevitable. My petition was eventually dismissed for lack of an agreement - he steadfastly refused to certain guarantees and I wasn't about to let him off the hook. Funny thing is, he turned around and re-filed an entirely new petition - leaving off the adultry part - and gave me everything I wanted. Go figure.

I'm most likely gonna file in about 5 or 6 weeks.<P>She left on 17 Feb 99, has not seen the kids since May of 99 and has only called 2 times in the last 4 months.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Hi Good guy,<P>I like your name!! I was the betrayed, and my ex H was the one to file divorce against me for Cruel and Inhuman treatment. In the end the divorce went in my favor when I countersued for "adultry" and cruel and inhuman treatment (he left me and his 3 daughters on xmas day unexpectadly).<P>I didn't want the divorce in the beginning, I fought against it and tried. When he refused to try and it pushed him closer to OW the harder I tried, I quit. The strange thing is, as soon as I "threw in the towel", he noticed and discussed coming back. By then, I was too betrayed and too hurt and just didn't want to go back to someone who betrayed me so badly. Unfortunately sometimes thats how it goes.<P>I wish you best of luck in your Plan A, it can be very tiring and emotionally draining, it was a very hard time in my life. <BR>Take time to do things to make you happy and feel some sort of peace whenever you can.<P>Dana<BR>

Hi AGG,<P>I think I met you over on EN's awhile back when I thought there was some hope. (different name?)<P>Since I don't want the divorce, I made her draw up the Sep. A. and she will be the one to file. I don't believe that divorce is the answer, but I don't have any real choice in the matter. This what she wants, and she doesn't care about what it does to me or my son.<P>Sorry to see you over here...<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

I filed after my H started his 2nd affair in a year. After all the hell I went through the first time I just couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't make up his mind what he wanted so I made it up for him. I continue to plan A him even though our divorce was final just yesterday. We have maintained a very good relationship but are actually doing much better apart. <P>I guess I had finally come to the decision that if I didn't take some control of the situation I would keep losing what self esteem I had left. <P>Remember any decision u make has to be yours. You have to do what feels right for you.<P>Jill

Hi all,<P>Thanks so much for the responses. I guess I'm relieved (not sure that's the exact word I'm looking for, but close) to see that I wouldn't be the first to turn my Plan A into a Plan D .<P>The scary or sad thing is that after Plan A'ing for six months, I am coming to the conclusion that I may be better off divorced... That is not to say that if my W "snapped" out of her fog or depression and became the loving and vivacious woman she used to be that I wouldn't change my mind.<P>It's just that after six months, I think we progressed only a small fraction of the way to where I want us to be, and I'm running out of gas.<P>Every day I see more and more how the current situation is literally draining the life out of me; we don't do anything with friends, we hardly do any fun activities, I have no opportunity to do anything for myself since I watch the kids after work (while my W works her crazy hours) and then she's tired when she gets home and just wants to have a glass of wine and go to sleep. I feel like I'm slowly drowning here, and I just don't know if a big enough change will happen before I go under...<P>I don't want to do this to my two tiny kids, but I am also realizing that the life we are leading now is not good for them in the long term either. At least if we got divorced I'd get to see them halftime, and enjoy them to the fullest without the "depressed wonder" hanging over us. Then the other half time I'd get to focus on myself... I'm not saying it will be all rosy (if nothing else, we'd be a mess financially), but I'm afraid the current situation will put me in an early grave, and that's not good for the kids either... <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>Hi AGG,<P>I think I met you over on EN's awhile back when I thought there was some hope. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey Nick,<P>Yup, you're right! I remember chatting with you on the EN forum before you moved here . I'm sorry you ended up here, bud!<P>I changed my username after my W started monitoring the forums and getting into arguments with me online. I realized that that was not doing anyone any good.<P>So now I'm spanning the spectrum from the EN to the GQII to the DD forum. Still hoping to end up on the Recovery forum, but only time will tell.<P>AGG

I was wondering one other thing:<P>For those who did file after a Plan A, did anyone have their spouse suddenly decide to "work on the marriage"?<P>I don't think that's something that would work with my W's personality, but I'm just curious.

I filed although it was my x that wanted the divorce. He wanted out and said he would give me anything I needed so I got an attorney (he didn't) and he agreed to everything that I needed for myself and the kids. <P>He has never indicated that he regrets his decision. Everybody told me that he would, but it hasn't happened. And, I don't think it ever will.

GG, <P>Dr Harley says..never to file with the intent of "waking them up", or forcing the issue with them. I amnot sure what everyone's take is on this. It would cloud the Plan A, but perhaps some people do it to protect the kids and financial interests. That is why I did it, and also I was at the end of my Plan A. But, if that is the reason, then state it to your spouse as such.