All,<p>I have purposely avoided posting lately because of the up and down nature of marital problems. One week you think it's ok and the next day it falls apart. I wanted to wait until something solid seemed to be happening. I think it is. One of my wife's past complaints had been that I didn't buy much at Christmas, as if I didn't really care. <br>Well, the job I have now pays better than what I've had in the past. Sensitive to her complaints I bought her some nice (not cheap) gifts and made sure the boys were happy. Turns out she didn't get anything for me. I didn't really care. But then the boys wanted to know why dad didn't get anything. My wife said she had been so busy that she didn't have time. Not getting a gift didn't bother me, but not being on her time schedule did.<br>She was spending time on the computer also. So on Christmas day I told her that I was sick and tired of not being on her schedule. I said that it looked like we were going to stay together and that I was trying to do the right things but that I am not going to continue to pour myself out while getting nothing in return (affection, not gifts). That speech was on Christmas day.<br>So, she spent the evening with me on the couch and we were in each other's arms most of the time. I really appreciated that. The next day she went out and bought me a couple of nice jackets. Last night we had a good conversation. She made it plain to me that she was going to "do things" and not live the way we have in the past. She said she wanted to have friends and go places and not just be confined to work, kids and home. She told me that she was a people person and always had been and that she wasn't going to live a sequestered life.<br>I said that I will be in full support of her and will not mind her going places or having friends. My caveat was that as long as she includes me in some of her plans and makes me feel like a husband and not a fifth wheel then she will have no problem from me. I said that as long as we do enough things together then there will be no problem with the other things she wants to do. She listened to me, said she understood, and named a few things we could do in the near future.<br>There were a number of other things we talked about, but what was encouraging to me was that she seemed more open than she has been in a while and she is making genuine efforts to give me more time. This is very encouraging and in turn makes me want to perform even better for her. And I seem to sense that there is more of a solidity to things now. We may still have some ups and downs but it seems to be on a better level than emotional roller coaster of several months ago. We bounce back quicker and don't stay mad as long. While it is clear that we still have much work to do on our relationship I feel that we have progressed beyond the point where things felt like they were constantly unstable. So right now it looks and feels better around here. I feel very grateful for this, and I love my wife more than I can say.

That's great, bud! \//\\//\\//\\//\\//\ (cyber-applause)<p>Sounds like you're in for a Happy-er New Year!

Bruce,<br>That's great. It is nice to hear that your efforts and dedication is finally paying off. Enjoy the comfort, and remember that it is still a rollercoaster. <br>Even though things are tremendously better with my wife and I, there are days (like today) that things get bad.<br>Now, I think the problem is me. Since you know that ups and downs have been commonplace, you will understand that I am waiting for her 'down' emotion. She says that she doesn't know what to do to make me feel comfortable. And that I am pushing more. <br>This morning (after being up most of the night) I told her I needed something from her. She said "she knows. I need her to put her arms around me and take care of me."<br>Now, this of course I read into that she feels that I only want to work things out because I am 'weak' and need her to take care of me. Next thought: Do I separate to prove to her that I don't need her, but, that I want her? Of course, that is rediculous. <br>I remember that we discusses some months ago that we should be 'on guard' against getting used to this feeling of being unloved. I think I became comfortable with it, because I knew what was going on. <br>So, Bruce, don't do what I have been doing. Don't expect too much. Keep going the way you are. I sounds like we both may have a Happy New Year!

Bill,<p>I told my wife that in spite of what happened in the past and that it takes time for wounds to heal, she shouldn't drag it out any more than she has to. I told her that I was beginning to feel withdrawn myself, did not want to go there and that if she had any interest in us staying together that she should help me not to go there.<br>Yesterday during our converstion she asked me why it seemed to shut me down when she would not respond to me for long periods of time. I think she was seeing this as a weakness. I told her that she should try to understand the way things are for a man as oppsed to a woman. I felt ok about saying that because since we've had our problems I've invested much time into trying to educate myself on how a woman sees and feels about things.<br>I told her that when she does that she is affecting something very central inside me, reminding me that I'm failing in a way that is very crucial for a man to feel good about. I told her that when such an important part of my constitution is attacked in that way that it is very difficult for me to act as if things are normal. She looked at me thoughtfully and said that when I explain it like that she can understand where I'm coming from. So now I take time and try to give her the most accurate and honest reading of how I feel that I can. I'm finding that she does listen. Not long ago she was too bound up to seem to want to.

Bruce,<p>How nice to hear that she is willing to listen. It great that you are able to express your feelings to her in such a way. I look to your example to be able to do that in my own life. I too fear that I have become like Bill. To afraid of seeming weak, I want him to know that I choose to stay here and don't HAVE to stay here. I also have a hard time sticking up for my needs when I see him slipping back into old habits. It almost like I feel some sort of restitution is due me for having gone through this, even though I accept part of the blame. Enough rambling from me, I really just wanted to say how happy I was for you that you have seen some significant progress. <p>Bill,<p>(((((((HUGS)))))). Every hour is a new hour and you never know what is around the bend. <p>Steph

Bruce,<p>Where have you been? Are you ok?<p>Maria<p>[This message has been edited by Maria (edited 01-09-99).]

maria,<p>I'm fine, thank you. There are only two reasons I post. One is to vent or report significant progress in my relationship. Haven't needed to vent lately, and while we seem to be making some progress I choose to report it only when it seems significant. That's because the well known roller coaster ride has such a tendency to make a fool out of you right after you think you've reached some milestone.<br>The other reason is to give what I hope is good advice to others who post. Lately I haven't felt like I've had much to offer on that score. There are some folks on here in some really tight spots. Often all I feel like I can do is pray for them.<br>So, I'm still hangin in there and, for now at least, things are fairly stable. I hope you are doing ok, and thanks for asking.

Bruce,<br>I understand that you feel you advice is not good for some people in tough spots but we all can use what little insight all of has. You never know what little thing can help one of us save our marriage. For example I used your opnion on "just because I was a bad person in the past doesn't mean that I will be in the future that there is as much chance of me changing for the better as there is me changing for the worst again" to my wife. She thought about it and saw the changes I have made and also saw the things I was messing up and decided that there was just has much chance as the good as the bad so she came out of her withdrawal a little more. I for one like you advice and look forward to hearing from you good or bad. long or short. Keep posting even to tell us nothing is happening we are all praying for you and your wife.

rusty,<p>Gee, thanks. That's good to know. A good thing that's happening? My wife now kisses me without my having to initiate it or ask for it. Two months ago, even a month ago, that wasn't happening. Before Christmas I was all ready to get a room or apartment somewhere. Had the bags packed. Fortunately I haven't had to leave and it doesn't look like I'll have to. In September and November I was really crying the blues, so things have improved a lot.

Bruce,<br>That is great to hear. My wife now calls me at times, says she misses me at times and sometimes she says she loves me first. She also stays on the phone and talks to me when she would rather get off, she lets me stay at her place when I am up in Pa, Our sex life is great. The only problem is that we are still living in seperate houses 500 miles apart. Big problem but fixable. Good luck and God's prayer's

Bruce,<br>Things sound great. Keep doing what you are doing. <br>Unfortunately, I am on a down swing on the rollercoaster. Things are tense this week. But, I am trying to keep it in perspective.

Bruce,<p>I am so happy to hear that things are going better for you. You have given alot of people here good advice and you have a clear perspective on things. It's really great that you are taking the time out to REALLY explain how YOU feel...so often, men don't know how or either don't want to explain because they think things will just get better on their own. Also, it seems as if alot of marriages end up focusing on how one of the two people feel. The other spouse kind of gets lost in the shuffle and ends up also concentrating on the other person's feelings and not their own. Sometimes you kind of lose yourself when you always focus on your spouse and not yourself; and doing that doesn't help anything. Even if your spouse acts difficult at times, if you continue to make yourself happy and focus on your well-being, your spouse will notice and somehow that often makes them feel better because they don't feel like THEY are responsible for YOUR happiness. Relationships are so complicated but you just have to try different things to see what works best for your situation--and it seems like you have found the best remedy.<p>I hope everything remains wonderful and open between you and your wife. It's so great to hear "success" stories on bulletin boards like these...because so often it can be filled with sadness. I think your story has given everyone hope--God bless!!

Shery,<p>Thanks for your comments. Things are better but I'm not out of the woods yet. A couple of months ago there was great pressure on me all the time. Now that pressure is gone. That's a danger point to me. I feel so much relief that I'm not walking under a cloud all the time, like I was before, that it's easy to relax. But now is just the time I can't afford to relax. I'm not going back to old behavior but I can sense it would be easy not to pursue changes that need to be made. Changes that can only come with planning and diligence.<br>Now it's time to do something about being what I've prayed for the opportunity to become.