Tis the season for wallowing in self pity, for reflecting on things that have been and should have been had I been handed a different set of cards. As my first Christmas alone draws nearer and nearer, I can't help but find myself getting dragged deeper and deeper into this hole of self pity that I've created for myself. I'm constantly reflecting on the past Christmas's, and not sure if I want anything to do with the season at all anymore. I keep up the front for my daughters sake, but the festive mood of the season eludes me. I guess coming here to vent helps some, but reading what other people are going through doesn't really leave me much faith in the institution of marriage any more. Why do people so blatently ignore their commitments to there spouses and family? Why is it that the children have to suffer the worst of all this? Christmas is supposed to be a happy time of year, at least that's what I've heard. Maybe this type of posting isn't really meant to be here, maybe it's something that's best confined to a personal journal.....I don't know. As a matter of record, despite how my STBX has treated me and all the hateful and hurtful things she's said and done....I LOVE HER with all my heart to this day and even though she'll never read this thread or even care too, I just felt the need to express that. I hope you all have a happy holiday season and I really appreciate having a place to vent to and people who care enough to respond in kind. Take care all. Jax

Jax,<P>I understand completely. I too have been feeling down. My mind has wondered from one extreme to the next. Especially being on maternal leave, all I have is time on my hands to think. But I'm going to visit my family and friends before I lose all sanity. It's easy to get caught up in self-pity and start reflecting on the should've, would've, & could've. <P>Continue to draw strength form within and when you look at your daughter, count your blessings. As far as faith in the institution of marriage...maybe it would be more sacred if divorce was not an option.<P>Hang in there, for this too will past. I will keep you and yours in my prayers. Surround yourself with those that care about you. If you're like me, you'll try to be alone because you don't want to get everyone else down. But it's not healthy, and you end up tormenting yourself. Believe me I know....Even as I write this, I am encouraging myself.<P>Take Care of yourself.<BR><P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

I understand what you're saying and how you feel. I, too, wonder why the children have to suffer through this. (Thank God, mine had their counselors.) There are no easy answers in life and I, for one, do think your post deserves to be here. It's been really hard the last few years for me to get in the mood for Christmas. This year, though, I know it's tied to lack of time and money. So hard to get everything done when there are two children, one parent, and enough stuff to keep two or three parents busy. And I feel like I have to get it all done or why bother. I think part of our problem is that we place too many expectations on ourselves. <P>I know you are mourning the loss of your relationship. And that is tough enough. But children's needs remain in place so, depending on your situation, you may have a lot of work on your hands in order to meet someone else's needs. I struggle with this every year, and it's been 5 years since my x moved out. It's tough but you can do it. And you can vent and post all you need. That's what the boards are for. (That and to make money for the Harleys.)

Jax- I am sorry for the delay in replying. I haven't been coming here as much as in times past... pretty much for the same reasons as you.<P>I understand compleatly what you are saying. I have pretty much been in a bah hum bug type of mood as well. All I can say is hold tight to your family and friends. Draw strengh from them. Keep up the front if for no one else but your daughter. As a good friend of mine keeps telling me, things will get better. Just take it one day at a time. Remember we are all here for you should you need us. We don't mind hearing you vent. A lot of us out here feel the same way as you do. Take care of yourself....<P>Java

Hi Jax,<BR>I understand completely how you feel.<P>This season has been pretty rough. If it weren't for some very special people in here, I'm not sure how I'd have made it this far.<P>I too am going through the holiday motions, for my sons sake.I asked him what he wanted from Santa, and you know, it had to be the one thing I have chance of delivering. <P>One thing that has helped me is starting new traditions. It gives me things to plan for and is allowing me to imprint this season with new memories...<P>This is the right place to vent.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Jamie-lee, Cinderella, Java and cOOker, thanks for the upbeat lift. I know it's alot harder to bear when my daughter is not around, those are the times I seem to be doing alot of reflecting. However when it's her time to spend with me, I'm pretty much upbeat and joyfull, I even kind of get the mood going because of the anticipation of it all. I have a very special gift for her this Christmas and I can't wait to see her face, but of course I know I'll be the bad guy again in her mother's eyes, and I'll be spoiling her, but you know what? I don't care.....maybe this will spoil her alittle but I think after what we've both been through we deserve a little spoiling. Thanks again, it's really appreciated. Jax<p>[This message has been edited by Jax (edited December 11, 2000).]