My earliest memory of my childhood, is of a farm house we lived in when i was around 7. I can remember the animals and fields of straw and hay, the barn, and flashes of different events. Things like my father shooting the tom cat that tore up y kittens year after year. Meeting a boy older then me and walking the perimeter of the protery while our parents talked. Thinking that i could fly. An obvious delusion. I remember being in grade two and hurting my index finger and being chased by these 2 brothers at recess all the time. I always ran to the "big kids" side because my brothers were there and i felt safe. Eventually that faded. WE MOVED<BR>My new school was smaller. Everyone was about the same. My cousin attended this school too. I remember him kissing me. French at that. My first of many personal intrusions. Not realizing that they were wrong, until years later. I remember the babysitter my parents got laying on top of me moving around and hugging me and always sending my brothers away. I remember coming home and finding out how the meat got in the freezer. Livestock hanging gutted in the barn. I remember my dad staying home and being the one to take care of me. WE MOVED <BR>I stayed at the same school. The house was different. The property was smaller this time. The neighbors next door were very nice to me. They'd let me play in their barn and let me walk their goat. I remember swimming and playing and having "a party" once a month in grade 8. I remember my first boyfriend and consequently the next. I remember the first one was more into me than i was in him but he was also the first one i'd ever kissed of my own free will. I tired of him because he was too concerned with what everyone else thought. The next one i didn't even kiss and just brushed him off during the summer months. This is also when my brothers experimented with me. My one kissed my breats and tried to penetrate me, this happened several times over a year. He was even so bold as to stand naked infront of my friends. The other brother wanted to penetrate me and at the time believed probably that he did. I know he didn't because when i started my period and used a tampon well lets say i broke myself.<BR>WE MOVED but i stayed behind for the lady i babysat with let me stay with her. I was very comfortable there. I really liked it. I only stayed 6 months though then i did "the move" into the city. I hated the city. I hated the school. It was grade 10 and very hard to fit in. But eventually i did. A lot of the boy liked me aying how pretty i was but i wasn't interested. I was considered to be tougher skinned for some reason unbeknownst to me. I didn't realize this until graduation. I got asked out but as soon as the guy would want to hold my hand or he mentioned anything about parents i would blow him off. A pattern i have maintained through my life. <BR>STARTING college, was great the field i study had a bit of pshycology to it and i felt something changing within. Now i recognize this as anger. Having to look at myself and studying Adler and Maslow etc made me re-evalaute my family dynamics. <BR>THIS IS ALSO WHEN I MET MY NOW EX-HUSBAND.<BR>I was completely attracted to him. I was impressed with his dreams and infact to this very day i still am. I thought he was the first person besides my father that i could sit and talk to without having my guard up. I wanted and infact told my best friend two weeks into dating him that i met my future husband. While in college my relationship with my mother detriorated. I even remember her calling me a slut to my father. Which really upset me because i hadn't even had sex!<P>I was 19 when i met my ex. 21 when after an agruement got tossed out of the house by my parents and when asked to come home refused. I've never been back since. I stayed with my girlfriend and her husband for 6 months. By this time my ex and i saw each other vaguely, infact i started to doubt a lot of things about him. When i moved into my own place i was very proud of myself. That i could hold a job and have my own apartment and goto school. After getting my own place my ex was over every weekend fri-mon ..usually. <BR>On my 23rd bithday i found out i was pregnant. I was very excited! When i told my ex he said everything would be ok. Then i didn't see him again until 7 months pregnant. He states that when he refused to move in with me and i dated someone else he felt it might not be his child. I was crushed because i knew there was just no way possible. My ex even called me a slut. Told me not to call him. It wasn't unil i called to let him know i was leaving town for a job he asked me to stay. I gave birth to our daughter in the fall and he started his own business 3 short months later. I would give anything to have those 3 months back. We went over to other couples houses and couples came over to see us. Clearly my ex and mother weren't getting along but i loved him him and made it clear him and i were in it for the long hall. My mother kept harping about me not being married. We started having problems after purchasing our home in 1994. We married in 1995 and by that time i was seriously confused. My mother kept telling me my ex didn't respect me because he didn't marry me, that he was probably cheating because he was hardly ever home and having his own business meant that he should beable to be home at night. He worked 9-9. Usually never home before 10-11 at night though. We fought over his mother my parents, my rage, his absence, his business, holidays, outings etc. <BR>Everything started feeling like a battle. I quit my career to be there for our child more. A decision i will regret more than anything, or so i thought until today. In 1997 we found out that i was pregnant. OR i should say i found out. I was excited at first. To be honest i didn't even know i was. My co-worker and boss found me sleeping on the job and taking lots of food but being turned off by the taste and asked if i was. I remember saying no my husband and i aren't in the position for that. Took the test and was. It took me 2 weeks to tell him and he responded with anger and rage. Said he would divorce me if it were true. A month later i had an abortion. He told me that after our vacation we would try. Vacation came and went "nope not ready" he said. <BR>The next christmas was a nightmare and that is when i really began to think my life sucked. the end of april i asked to separate June he filed for divorce. Eight months after he filed my daughter made the disclosure that my father had made sexual jestures to her. (basically it all boils down to him getting her to give him a hand job). But then i have spent these last 10 months playing house with my ex and dutiful mother by pushing the charges against my father and almost getting fired at my job because my aditude lately is just anger filled and sometimes out of control. I ended up taking a leave from my job and now my future holds is the arrest of my father and my ex's assualt trial at the sametime. My ex was playing house with another woman and has been dating us both since. Lying to her about me. By the way this other woman works at my job as well!!!<BR>I found out about her accidentally and he of coarse lied and has been ever since. Although he states and his father does that he stopped seeing her 2 months ago which i find impossible! I saw her car at his place a month ago when him and i weren't spending time together and he states she loaned her car to her friends that live across the street. Keep in mind that his house is our old home and she never came around the neighborhood before. She too is a single mom. Loan out her car NOT!! How stupid do i look?<P>I feel overwhelmed and wonder how do i manage all this frustration and crap someone has decided to dump on my plate?<P>Going to counselling.<BR>Been into for 9 months.<BR>Psycologist for 1 month.<BR>Still spending time with the ex.<BR>BUT his terms. Whenever he decides he has had enough he walks and i feel abandoned.<BR>I'm anger because my ex has no responsibilty or assistance for me in dealing with our daughters situation and maintains he wants us but won't goto counselling.<P>The new year is coming and i have to return to work and those 2 events will be playing out in the new year. I'm exhausted and would like someone to care for me and my needs!!!<P>My daughter doesn't get to see my parents anymore of coarse because of the illeged abuse.<P>I believe her and she came through her counselling like a trooper. i wish i had half her courage and reasoning.<P>HELP?<P><p>[This message has been edited by looking ahead (edited December 10, 2000).]

What a tale of trouble! You should be proud of yourself for standing up for your daughter and yourself, and for having the courage to start counseling.<P>Don;t know that I have any words of wisdom for you, except that if you are depressed and can't sleep be sure you are communicating this clearly to your counselor. And, when is the l;ast time you saw your doctor? Perhaps you might consider antidepressants along with the counseling.<P>Prayers and hugs--<P>Kathi

What an incredible tale!! You are definitely a woman of great strength and courage. If you can maintain your sanity through all this, you can make it. Definitely, keep going to your counselor. It sounds as if you can use some antidepressants, if you aren't already taking any. I've been clinically depressed in the past and it's a tough place to be. The medication can make it ever so much more bearable. <P>Though it saddens those of us here when someone new needs to join us, we are grateful you found these boards and we welcome you.

Thank you very much for your replies!<BR>I am doing okay, but it is just that i look back upon my life and these were the problems and events in it that make me so unhappy. Now that i have them and am bringing them to my counsellors attention... how long before i feel ready to take on thw rold in the fashion that i use to?<P>Or for that fact was i taking on the world because i was unconsciencely unaware how unhappy i truly was?<P>Time will tell with the counselling ...i know.<P>But i understand now why promises are so important to me and being able to talk things through, and why i feel anger and bitterness when i got presented with a wall in my marriage, i felt rejected and alone.

IF you could go back and change... the day old year old question... DO you?<P>My ex wants to make an effort yet again.<BR>I can't explain the draw i feel.<BR>But there is someone else that makes me feel good and at ease without suspision.<BR>But not nearly as desirable as my X.<P>Then of coarse there's the child thing.<P>I'm exhausted would somebody take the bull by the horns so i can jump the nearest canon!!!!<P>The ex is always good at showing his softer side just when i have written him off as a human being.<P>I wonder if nothing were pending owing or anything else would he still be here in my face?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by looking ahead (edited December 14, 2000).]