Wiftt and others reading this, <P>This will be my third entry since December 3rd. Plus one from my husband who used my computer, and name, while I was away for a couple days. He made new topic in forum and the subject on that one is 'communication'. <P>I am contemplating divorce and my husband and I have discussed it. WIFTT, responded to my husbands topic of 'communication' by saying this forum is for divorcing or already divorced people. Yet, the topic immediately before my husbands, is about a man who needs advice about what to buy for his girlfriend in a new relationship. Guess who it's from. WIFTT<P><BR>I do still love my husband, but we simply dont get along and have nothing in common. WIFTT, the name of this site is Marriage BUILDERS. So, even though you had great advice for my husband, I resent the comment you made to him telling him to go somewhere else. <P>Anyone else have any input, because even though my husband and I dont get along, and have not yet filed for divorce, I thought this sight was to help people when it comes to divorce, whether doing it or contemplating it. <P>Please read, 'communication' from my husband but with my name from 'kimkaymilkyway' to see what wiftt had to say! And the topic right before that from wiftt. <P>WIFTT, <BR>I am very upset, as you see! Can I stick around for more advice or not until there are divorce papers? <P>Sorry if I seem so rude, but I am going through one of the toughest times in my life right now! I explained it like being in the eye of the storm. I dont know which way to go. Plan A, seems impossible because we have a child together. How are we suppose to stay completely out of touch with eachother? In addition to that, I want to try to work it out with him, but every time I try to talk with him, he gives up and ends up walking away, and leaving! I am left feeling hopeless and soon after a big sigh of relief that he is not there. My husband doesnt trust me about anything. Everything I say, he doesnt believe or doesnt agree. <P>I am very witty with my words and he is not. I have tried talking to him at lower level and then he thinks I am talking down to him. And when I tell him that I am bringing up FACTS, he agrees with the facts but then disputes them. <P>Example: I asked him, "Is it true, that you never make suggestions for us, as a family, to do something together"? He says, "Yes its true!" Then he comes up with every single excuse possible as to why! So I point out times that his excuses are no good! Then he comes up with another excuse or gets mad and leaves! Or, he will turn it around on me saying that I never suggest anything either, but the fact is that I always make suggestions but they get brushed under the rug and forgotten, leaving me feeling rejected and alone! So, I often times end up going out with friends, and he turns it around on me that we dont do anything because I am always with friends!1 Viscous circle!! <BR>So what do we do? Plan A--how? <P>Help? So extremely frustrated!!!!<P>

Take a deep breath, 'k?<P>First, in trying to point your H towrds the Emotional Needs bulletin board (on this same forum), WIFTT was giving good advice...it is a topic that is often discussed there. I'm sure no one meant you couldn't or shouldn't post in this area, but you probably will get more response on a topic like "communication" if you post it in the EN area...it is a big EN for lots of us who hang out there a lot. <P>BTW...You can post in EN bb and in Divrocing bb areas...no prob.<P>Also, I think you may be confusing Plan A and Plan B...plan B is a lot harder with kids, but Plan A doesn't call for no contact, so kids don't really affect it (well, no more than they complicate life in general ).<P>Anyway, don't feel anyone was trying to get rid of you or your H..just point you in the right direction!

Thanks kam6318, <BR>That was quick response! I did not realize that communication was part of this site also. However, I see cookie recipes and planned trips on this sight, as matter of fact wiftt shared one of his recipes here. Wouldnt that be more appropriate for <A HREF="http://www.recipes.com" TARGET=_blank>www.recipes.com</A> or something? <P>I guess I am a real 'principles' kind of person. Maybe it was just the WAY wiftt said it that bothered me. However, if it was attempt to point in right direction, it is appreciated. <P>Thanks.

kimkaymilkyway,<P>Don't be thrown by some of the messages here. We are all going through some of the toughest times in our lives. For that reason and because so many here are open enough to share their innermost feelings, many of us have become friends. As such, every now and then a message will appear that is totally off the subject of our current lives and situations.<P>That does not mean that this is a general chat area, only that every now and then it is nice to share with friends something that has 100% nothing to do with our spouses or our marriages.<P>I will spend a few minutes reading you and your husband's messages and maybe then will be able to address your questions. But even before that, my number one piece of advice is get to counseling "together". Get there now! Drag him there if necessary - your marriage is worth it! So often in relationships both spouses can hit a brick wall of communication. Just as if you thought you knew a lot about cars and after spending days trying to fix yours, you finally gave in and went to a mechanic, that is what marriage counselors are there for. They are "experts"(well most are - be careful in picking the right one) and they have seen many, many marriage problems. In that respect they are often able to present possible solutions to both of you - some that you may never even thought of!<P>In either case, on behalf of all who are here, I feel comfortable saying that divorcing should be a last resort. It usually presents many more problems than it solves. And it is a very far reaching and damaging process to both individuals. You owe it to yourself and to your spouse that you explore all other avenues before you start down the path of divorce.<P>And please, please keep in mind that it is definitely not a "quick fix" to your life's situation.<P>May God be with you and your husband.<P>Mike

KKMW,<P>i apologize for appearing to offend you, but i was trying to point your husband, not you, towards a place here where he might find more responses.<P>I believe i also tried to point out to him that regardless of your current situation, that if he doesn't improve his communication abilities, his next relationship, yo uor anyone else, will have the same problem.<P>yes, i could have been more specific, however, i also know that the d/d board<BR>will get some answers, but not the best answers. yes, i am witty too, and yes, i <BR>have a STBXW that is very much like your<BR>H, and i am similar to you.<P>yet, what is your goal here? and what is your husband's goal here?<P>i assumed it was for help in building his marriage. and communication is one of the biggest areas of problems. it is very tough, and men are from mars women ar form venus wouldn't be such a big seller if it wasn't!<P>He can only fix his communication skills, not yours, and i am encouraging him to come back and answer some of my questions. as you will see, what good will it do to have a pity party with fellow divorcees or about to be divorcees if you want to learn how to save your marriage through communication?<P>If he goes to the EN board, you will be joined by many people struggling with saving marriages, and improving relationships. On the D/D board we have fixed ourselves the best we can, its the spouses that now refuse and only have one idea, to run away and use divorce.<P>so, i apologize for your misunderstanding, although i am not sure why you are unhappy with me for answering a question of your husbands in trying to support his efforts to get better so your marriage gets better.<P>WIFTT

Thanks for the apology Wiftt,<BR>I guess I was upset because I know my husband is a 'walk away kind of person' when it comes to advice. I don't know why I became so upset about your response. Maybe its because I thought that by directing him away from here would discourage his very appreciated effort to get some answers. If there is a pitfall, I feel that he won't get over it. In other words, his efforts will cease and I am left with a stbx who will give up. <P>I am glad that my husband is trying, but I know he would have a very hard time seeing a psychologist because I truly and honestly believe that it is his lack of communication that is the primary cause for our pending dissolution. With that, I cannot see my husband opening up to a 'shrink' because he despises them. He thinks that psychologists are a crock of sh** and they have nothing to do with reality. This is yet another reason why me and my husband are not getting along. I am going to school to become a psychologist. He doesnt want to hear it!! Nothing I talk to him about is important to him. I have a passion to become a person that he despises. <P>I know your recommendations were not to see a psychologist, but I hope this clarifies my concern.<P>Wiftt, I know now that you were trying to help and hopefully, my husband will get back on the system and see the responses that were sent to him, under my name. <P>He got into this system using my password by the way! I was not at home. What does that say? I guess I should not have left it on my desk. Anyways, I am hanging onto this marriage by a thread! <P>Thank you Wiftt for your appology! I also appologize for not taking the time to evaluate your response to my husband. Maybe it will be the answer. Time will tell, and I will be here for a while!

I don't like head doctors either, <BR>BUT i have used them, and they actually<BR>point me in correct directions. But also,<BR>there are many other ways to get to the same answers.<P>does he read? there are tons of books, and the ones here are very good.<P>is he religious? i am not, but there are ministers and pastors to talk to.<P>does he have friends? they can be a source of good ears, although experience shows they want to be a friend and support the ego instead of the real self.<P>is he interested in telephone counseling? the harleys are very very good and practical.<P>good luck <BR>WIFTT<P>

KimKay,<P>WIFTT is a great person who is also very witty with words and knows quite a bit about many different subjects. I'm glad to see that you both have cleared things up a bit.<P>You are going thru one of the hardest times of your life. Whats important to realize is that this site you posted on is VERY mixed in topic, because many of us came from the General Questions board right to this board when it was created last year.<P>Many have communicated back and forth for a year or even longer and we have gone from being married, trying to save the marriage, to divorcing, and now many even venturing out into new relationships. You can post anywhere you like, and there is even a way to copy your link to another forum to save yourself time in retyping it. As you get familiar with the site, you'll find the section that works best for you.<P>Its also important to get to know us and reply to our threads and then we learn more about you to answer some of your threads. You will find that you don't get very many responses if you don't reply to others.<P>As far as the recipe sites, and gift giving, this is the first Xmas for a large amount of us on the board and we too are in a lot of pain and trying to get thru another difficult turning point. Posting recipes, jokes, asking advice, this is all part of the process for those of us who are divorced and trying to "start" over.<P>I hope you and your husband are able to save your marriage and never get this far in dealing with all the 'first' holidays after your divorced because it is just as difficult as what you are going thru now. <P>This site is for everyone and we are all here to help each other no matter what the topic may be. <P>Good luck with the communication issue,<BR>Dana<BR>

Thank you danab, <BR>I just want to say that it sounds like there are a lot of absolutely wonderful people here in the forum. I feel fortunate to be a part of it!!!<P>My husband called me last night and we talked about how we are sooo much different, instead of how we are alike. I think he may be willing to try counseling. I will let everyone know how it goes. Unfortunately, I have lost touch with many of the feelings that I once had for him. Maybe, just maybe, counseling will spark the flame again. Who knows, not even sure he'll go at this point. But it's worth a try!<P>Thanks everyone!!<P>Wiftt, <BR>I caught my husband reading "he says, she says" recently. I would like to buy the book from here for him for Christmas. Have to see how it goes! <BR>Thanks again!

Kim,<P>You will definetly find a lot of support here! Just remember that weekends and late nights are slower to get replies on your posts. I remember when I came here I would just sit up half the night replying to everything . <P>Time limits won't allow that anymore.<P>I was thinking about what you replied to. A lot of relationships can survive when a couple is "different". You dont' want to be too similar, yet not too different either. I think if you go to counseling, the right counselor, an expert at saving marriages, you can do this.<P>That spark can be rekindled. I have been thru that aspect before. It takes hard work and dedication. It takes both people compromising and trying new things. But it can happen. A lot of times you don't know what you have til its gone, but in your case, hopefully it won't go that far.<P>So he was reading the book, thats great!! That is a great book, I do love it. <P>I have never talked personally to Dr Harley, but many here have. If not, you might try talking to close friends, and the church to find someone good in your area. Someone who is not so dedicated can make matters worse, you have an opportunity here that a lot of us didn't, a spouse that is at least willing to try. That is the best part of it all. You two can come out of this so much stronger in the end if you make it thru.<P>Good luck, <BR>Dana<BR>

Hey,<P>can we let this thread die?<P>Its a little embarrassing to see a big red face next to my name everytime I log on.<P>WIFTTy