Hi JL,<BR>You said a few things in your last post that made me think. Some things about getting some piece of mind, about my affair, and a few other things that brought to mind many other things you have said to me the past two years. Anyway, I think I figured it out.<P>I had a revelation today. Today someone was talking about my affair being a mistake. People have said that to me lots of times here. That my affair was a mistake and that I should forgive myself. Now, for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why I couldn't do that (forgive myself that is), but it finally hit me.<P>It finally sunk in that my affair was not a mistake. It was a choice. My ex told me what he'd do if I ever cheated on him, and I purposely cheated anyway. Somewhere in my mind, cheating was considered a viable alternative amongst the list of other viable alternatives when I felt frustrated about my marriage. <P>What people percieve as guilt or remorse really is not that at all. It is anger. I'm more disappointed in myself than I am remorseful about hurting him. He chose not to listen to me many, many times when I told him how he was hurting me over the years. Of course, at first I felt guilty about hurting him, but after all his punishment afterwards, I can't say that I do anymore. <P>Mostly I feel angry at myself for giving him an excuse to hurt me more and I feel stupid for what I call "flinching".<P>Honestly, I can't say I went the OM's apt that day with the intention of cheating. However, it must have been in there somewhere or else the opportunity never would have existed. When I say I feel stupid for "flinching", it is not listening to the lesson my actions were trying to teach me. <P>I like to say that I didn't know what he would do if I confessed, but I did. I was pretty sure he'd divorce me. Now I don't think I was prepared for the punishment he dished out, but I should have been. I'd seen his anger a few times. It shouldn't have been that much of a stretch to conceive of the other things he was capable of. Instead of following through, though, I hesitated. That is where I really messed up. After I cheated, it should have been pretty clear (to me) that I felt my marriage was over and I should have just divorced him rather than dragging it out. Alternatively, I could have chalked it up to experience, not told him, and hoped for the best. Because I "flinched", and didn't follow up, I ended up subjecting myself to some pretty unnecessary punishment from him. I say unnecessary, because he had no intention on staying married to me. He was just sticking around until he found a job he liked better and got his support network shored up. <P>So there it is. The whole ugly truth. I guess I got what I wanted after all. <P>Before my affair, I think I knew this wouldn't be the last major thing he'd ask me to sacrifice. I knew that, once he got the taste of blood, he'd know that he could use the same tactics to intimidate me into backing down in the future. There is one thing he did not count on though. He didn't count on the fact that I was not his mother. When his father did those things to his mother, she just took it, and so did I for a long time. <P>What I underestimated was my determination to remain self-reliant at almost any cost. After doing some serious soul-searching, it is clear that I will do just about anything (short of breaking the law) to make sure I am never financially dependent upon someone. <P>I warned my ex about that too. I told him never to make me choose. I told one of my girlfriends that if any man asked me to choose between my career and him, I would choose my career. As far as I'm concerned, he might as well be asking me to choose between himself and my children. That is how important it is for me to be able to take care of myself. It has taken me 20 yrs to fully understand this. From a very young age (around 14) I knew I'd probably be "alone", and that I would do whatever was necessary to be self-sufficient, and so that has come to pass as well. <P><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited December 11, 2000).]

TS,<P>It makes sense to me. I hope it does ease your mind to realize this. I hope it eases your anger as well. <P>Maybe it will make more sense to you now when I tell you things will be different with you once you graduate. It will free you of many things especially burdens you have placed on yourself. It will set you up in an entirely different situation. One that will in many cases be the end product of your efforts to develop yourself and will provide the stability you need to be comfortable with yourself.<P>At that point, who knows what will happen. But I am betting you will be much happier.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

May i also congratulate you for not giving up, for sticking around and being tough minded about finding the answers.<P>I also found my answers, but it took alot of<BR>time and work, mental thinking work, and you haven't given up on yourself, which is also a rewarding quality.<P>you are now probably closer to your own inner peace than you realize.<P>WIFTTy

TheStudent,<P>Please don't be offended by me "popping in" here on this thread, but I read your comments and wanted to give you a {{{{{{{{{{Hug}}}}}}}}}}. You see I have followed many of your posts in other threads where sometimes they turn out to be attacks going back and forth. <P>Not just reading your words, but reading the emotions behind them have led me to believe that you are still hurting a lot and there is still much anger inside of you.<P>I think your message here is a big first step in facing that pain and anger. It seems like you are ready to own up to your actions. As you do this though, keep in the back of your mind that you are not alone - that God is in fact with you. The "Footsteps in the Sand" poem reminds me of you a lot. For one day you may look back and ask God where He was and on that day He will tell you that He in fact carried you when you could not walk.<P>And as for being "alone", I don't see that in your future. You have a lot of passion in you and that is attractive to many people. But one day, maybe not anytime soon, you will need to let down your fences and allow someone back into your heart. To trust and love again. If you are open to it, it will happen. Sure you run the risk of getting "hurt" again, but hiding from that risk is not the happiest way to get through your life. Just know that things WILL get better.<P>It is one thing to be self-sufficient. I think everyone needs to be self-sufficient, but that does not mean you can never depend on someone - whether it be financially or emotionally. You only need to be careful on who that is - careful, not overly suspicious.<P>For there are never any rewards that come without risk.<P>God Bless and keep you.<P>Mike

sotired2000,<P>I hope you don't think I'm being argumentative when I say this, but....<P>I owned up to my actions a long time ago when I confessed. At the time I felt very guilty and was very distraught about the state of our marriage. And yes, I was angry at the time too, and afraid. All of those things did not stop me from coming clean and doing my best to clean up the mess I made. Still, my motives were not completely altruistic. There was also a part of me that wanted a "show down". Once and for all, I wanted to have it out with my ex. I wanted to flush him out (and maybe me too). I got what I wanted there too. <P>I found out he never trusted me, that he did not love me, and that he was emotionally and spiritually one of the least ungenerous people I have ever met. This was his big chance to really show me what he was made of, and boy, did he ever. <P>What has bothered me a long time is why I haven't been able to get past this. Why it never really sunk in when people said I did the right thing by confessing. I think it was because I really did not put alot of thought into confessing either. He asked me, and I told him. He asked me in a way that made me feel that he just might be kind to me, but I was tricked again. That is what our marriage was about. Moments of intimacy, interspersed with punishment for whatever he felt I was doing wrong. And the range of "wrong" things went from placing a coffee spoon on the counter, leaving a piece of dental floss near the sink, forgetting to replace his razor blade one time....all the way up to infidelity. <P>Looking back, it was quite idiotic for me to expect his forgiveness. If something like a spoon, floss, or a razor was "unforgiveable", you better believe that infidelity was unforgiveable. <P>Up until this time, I really had the most miraculous ability to see the best in people, even when they hurt me over and over and over. You could say that is one of the downsides to being raised by an alcoholic. I put my trust in people who were not trustworthy and did not have my best interests at heart. It is not that I believe that there are no trustworthy people in this world, I just do not have the skills to determine which ones are. I can't afford to ever go through what I went through with my exes again. I would rather die first. No amount of happiness I had when I was with him is worth what I went through.

TheStudent,<P>In no way do I think you argumentative - you are simply telling your story. And that is really the only way I can understand what it is you are going through. We all have our past to own up to. I don't know your husband nor do I know you, I only know what you state here.<P>There may be another side to your husband, but again only you can know if this is possible. I have known a couple people who went through a divorce that got ugly. The strange part of it all was that these individuals were good people before the divorce and good people after the divorce. BUT, when it came to each other they were horrible. Why? I believe that they were too focused on their pain and they felt the only way to overcome the pain was to hate. So they hated their spouse. They did nasty things and made the divorce a war. Each spouse could not believe the other had resorted to such extremes and they both said about each other "now I see the true person that I married". It quickly got worse and worse. <P>But I believe they were wrong when they would say that this is their spouses "real" self. What they were seeing was the worst of each other. No matter how good of a person we are, we all have a "dark side". Usually we are very much in control of that "dark side" and never let it come out. But it seems that when we are hurt, the "dark side" gains much power and we unfortunately sometimes allow it to take over.<P>This may or may not be what happened with your husband. I say this out of personal experience. You don't know me, but believe me when I say that I am very nice person to all family, friends and strangers (ask anybody ). But when my wife came to me and said she wanted out (and BTW there may in fact have been someone else in her life), I came close to losing it and letting my "dark side" take over. I could have really hurt her bad. But at my weakest moment I asked God for help. Not to bring my wife back, but to first help rid me of the anger I had for her. I prayed every day for him to release the anger from my heart and I can attest that He has been extremely successful in doing just that.<P>I knew that while the mean actions may have temporarily made me feel better, they would haunt my conscience for the rest of my life. And even truer than that, I knew that the anger I had was directly related to the love I still had for her. I was hurt. Instead of reaching out and avenging myself, I chose instead to feel the pain and work to heal myself.<P>All I am saying (and again not knowing your husband) is that maybe the mean things he has done since you told him are directly related to his own "hurt and pain". Sure it is maturity, but when you put on the image of being a "tough guy" and someone is still able to break through and hurt you to the bone, you tend to become childish in your revenge.<P>His actions before your confession? I don't know - I don't know him. Maybe he just does not understand what being in a relationship means. And it even sounds like he may have unresolved feelings of insecurity (usually the reason why people "cut-up" others and put others down).<P>All I hope and pray for you is to heal. If you can and you believe, invite God to help. He will do just that.<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike

sotired,<P>I wrote a bunch of stuff, but it just comes off like a big pity party.<P>I'd like to heal to the point where I'm not so mad or sad. I'd like to heal to the point where I can be happy for my ex someday. It was my fault for believing he could be happy with me before he married me. I suppose I should feel good about the fact that I made it easier for him to end our marriage. That is what he wanted. He can find someone new alot easier now because I cheated. <P>I'd like to heal to the point where being celibate is not such a burden. Maybe in twenty years or so when these darned hormones of mine kick off. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited December 13, 2000).]