Well...<P>I mentioned it on a few post already...<BR>My divorce should be final on December 20th.<P>My W will not be at court...<BR>...I will... since I will have to sign the final copies in front of the judge...<BR>...the divorce can't be stopped.<P>I consider this a natural progression for a long distance... low contact Plan A...<BR>...for a <I>walk-away</I> wife who starts... and then finishes the divorce.<BR>I have come to believe that there is a point at which a WS can so fill their minds with bad thoughts of the FS and (sometimes the children)... they feel they can never come back... even if much later on... they want to.<P>The divorce will end my Plan A... 14+ months of a Plan A...<BR>...and be the start of my Plan B...<BR>...after all this time... and I can finally give her my Plan B letter.<P>I have no firm duration for my Plan B...<BR>...during it... as the textbook goes... my love will die...<BR>...during it... I will complete the annulment process (12-24 months)...<BR>...the final self-reflection of my <I>married</I> life... from the perspective of it being or more correctly <B>not</B> being a sacramental marriage... <B>not</B> being a true covenant.<P>I've learned so much about her in the months she left...<BR>...some from her...<BR>...some from her first X...<BR>...to clearly indicate to me... she did not have in her what was necessary to accept the lifetime commitment of a sacramental marriage... of a covenant.<P>I see very little happiness entering her life...<BR>... she being so much into "worldly possessions"...<BR>... living through her MLC...<BR>... continuing her fantasy...<BR>... continuing her bitterness for all I do and say...<BR>... fighting the child support she will need to pay<BR>... fighting the SSA for the $35,000 she took from my stepson<P>I see my own growth...<BR>... and many positives...<BR>... new job in January<BR>... and finally coming to my own personal acceptance.<P>My time here (which will go on)...<BR>...has shown me the value of Plan A... (time to be a better person...)<BR>...and the value of Plan B... (time to move on...)<P>I am happier today...<BR>I will be even happier tomorrow...<BR>...and above all else... am so much closer to God!<P>Just keeping everyone of my dear friends up with my happenings...<P>God bless all of you.<P> <P>Jim

You are a wonderful person...<P>Yes, you have grown...look how many friends that you have here..<P>You can walk a way knowing that you did your best to save your marriage...this will help in your healing in time to come.<P>I have found the less I see, talk ect to my XH the better I am in my ability to let go and move on<P>Good luck in your new job and your new life. I look at my divorce as a new beginning for me as you will too very soon.<P>I will be thinking about you on the 20th. But I know that you will do it with dignity and grace!

Ah, I get a bit misty reading your post. But, you are right...this sad expereince has brought you a lot of growth...<P>Hugs and prayers--<P>Kathi

God Bless you too, Jim!!<P>

Hi NSR -<P>I've been thinking about you....knew that "it" was getting close.....<P>How are your emotions....REALLY?<P>As always, I have some questions....how come she doesn't have to be there to sign also? I don't understand? <P>How is it now and how do you see it in the future with the contact regarding the kids? And how's the 18 year old doing? Any better?......<P>When/if you have any communication with your wife....is it still the hostile atmosphere that she and her "bad choice" have exhibited throughout? Has that lessened any? Or are they still stuck in it? If so.....how sad to be so chaotic in your soul to have to behave that way......ugh!<P>I've always been unclear as to why you have made this D be your defining "line" for a plan move....not saying that it should or shouldn't be.....just that I guess I don't fully understand how your emotions are working and can't get a good feel on how truly "healthy" they are.....<P>Are you waiting for this and then believe that your heart will fall in line with your head? Or have you truly gotten to where your emotions and logic have merged into a strong, content and happy perspective on all that you have been through and how it will all fit into your life for the future?<P>Since she is still in the affair, how will she view your plan B letter do you think? <P>How does this affect the co-parenting? I don't have kids....so I can't imagine.<P>Heck - you know me - I can't imagine no contact anyway....but you know what I mean!!! LOL!!! BTW - didn't do an update yet...but.....just a little preview is that H asked me what I want for Christmas!!!! <P>OK...let's say it together....<P>WHACK-A-DOODLE!!!!!!!!<P>He hasn't gotten me a X-mas present in six years!!!!<P>I told him to fill my 500gal heating oil tank for the winter!!!! HA-HA!!!!<P>And this is after buying a condo with psycho b%@#h!!!<P>Oops, got off track.....back to you...<P>I just want to be sure that you have your thoughts and emotions in line....<P>I am personally very happy that I maintained a civil and open (on my part) communication with the man who was part of my life for so long. I can live with whatever happens now......I am at peace!!<P>That is a VERY big hurdle to conquer Jim, and I WANT YOU to get here for yourself too!!!! You deserve that for yourself.<P>You said that in Plan B you will be losing love.....isn't that backwards? Isn't Plan B supposed to preserve that love you still have?<P>Why are you going to Plan B?<P>I won't even ask about this annullment stuff til later........<P>I love ya and you carry my (and all of our) love, strength and prayers with you when you go to sign.....as well as everyday.......<P>It's a new door being opened.....open it with wide eyes and open heart!!!!<P>LOVE,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited December 12, 2000).]

Dear Jim,<BR>I often wonder how you're doing, since you're not on the Boards much any more. Except to greet the Newbies and post the links. That was a true labor of love. When you first come here, you're totally lost, and your Guide Book is so helpful.<P>Something so bad, and painful, and you found a way to help others instead of just feeling bad.<P>You've learned so much and helped so many of us. You'll never know how many lurkers took advantage of your Guide Book but never posted. <P>I'm sorry for you, and for your wife, because she will never realize what a treasure she has thrown away.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Jim, <P>I wish I had your strength, you have been thru so much, yet you are so strong. <P>Question?<P>Do you really believe that plan B will make the love die? I noiced you didn't put a time on your plan B? <P>I know you didn't want this.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{jim}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Gosh, could you pass over some of that discipline you have? Your stbxw is nuts<P><P>------------------<BR><B>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Well Jim...<BR>Your time is finaly here...<BR>Just know we all love you very much...<BR>I'll keep you in my prayers...<P>Love You,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Thanks to all...<P><B>my3kids</B>...<BR>Thanks for the well wishes for the new job... and new beginning! <BR>The 20th... will come and go... <I>I will stay</I>.<P><B>Kathi</B>...<BR>Sadness comes in seeing the effect on children...<BR>...they have so much to learn/grow too...<BR>...and their minds can't comprehend it.<BR>I know I have a big job ahead of me.<P><B>K</B>...<BR>Your terse responses... speak volumes...<BR>...are you any relation to the <A HREF="http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/10794a.htm" TARGET=_blank>Venerable John Newman</A>?<P><B>Sheba</B>...<BR>Wow... you'll keep me awake until tomorrow...<P>--------------------------------------------------------------<BR>"How are your emotions....REALLY?"...<BR><I>...quite good... the rollercoaster is at the end...</I><P>"how come she doesn't have to be there to sign also? I don't understand?"...<BR><I>She was to file for divorce first... back in late April 1999... but her attorney was <B>very</B> late in submiting the paperwork... so my counter-filing (June 24 1999) to fight for child custody (which she was didn't really want but pretended to want)... made me become the PLAINTIFF. In my state (NJ)... the plaintiff has to be the final to sign... and it must be in front of the judge.</I><P>"How is it now and how do you see it in the future with the contact regarding the kids?"<BR><I>It's rough because she still is angry with me... and has such a vindictive tone on the phone... even though... just tonight... I got to say another "I Love You Still" to her.</I><P>"And how's the 18 year old doing? Any better?"<BR><I>Not really much better... He's IS working (part time) and IS going to school (full time)... but he will have nothing to do with his biological father(BF)... since my W since paints his BF as a serial-killer/stalker type. And nothing can be farther from the truth.</I> <P>"When/if you have any communication with your wife....is it still the hostile atmosphere..."<BR><I>...yep... still hostile... I get to SEE them this FRIDAY... for my D's Nutcracker recital!<BR>...and yes I know... in Plan A AND in Plan B... no LBs! (That is growth!)</I><P>"why you have made this D be your defining ''line' for a plan move"<BR><I>the divorce just happens to allow my Plan B letter to be the most opportune...<BR>I really feel I hit the Plan B stage about 2-3 months ago...<BR>...and my emotions are actually quite healthy... THEY HAVE A TRUTH TO THEM...<BR>...after hearing how my W's treatment of her first XH... and how it is virtually identical to how she now treats me... It is a proof of her inability to change... and coupled with the viciousness of her treatment of me (and her first XH)... made it all too clear... she dosen't have the capability to recover any love... if it ever was really there. Moments of affection... do not a committed marriage make!</I><P><I>I have reached a state of contentment and a VERY happy/healthy perspective.</I><P>"how will she view your plan B letter do you think?"...<BR><I>This matters not... at the stage I have reached...<BR>Does this mean I won't offer to have her come back (conditions being really met)?...<BR>...I would take her back... BUT... I know in my heart of hearts... she will feel this as a freeing for her... from what she percieves the binds of a marriage.</I><P>"How does this affect the co-parenting?"...<BR><I>Effectively... I have full custody, since she sees them so infrequently... (every other weekend... and 2 recitals and 1 band concert a year)...<BR>She is vindictive... she asks me to change visitation to accomodate her... but never will agree to any change requests I have (NOT ONE)... this will just continue... and I will have to live with it.</I><P>"BTW:...I told him to fill my 500gal heating oil tank for the winter!!!! HA-HA!!!!"...<BR><I>...why not get a second 500gal tank... and have that filled too!</I><P>"I just want to be sure that you have your thoughts and emotions in line"<BR><I>...my thoughts and emotions are sound... and truly guided by my relationship with the Lord...<BR>...a growth unrivaled... and without which... none of what I have done here... or will do here would have ever happened.</I><P>"...civil and open communications between my W and I"...<BR><I>...I don't see happening... until the OM is out of the picture...<BR>...not a surprise... if you believe in the Harley principles.</I><P>"...in Plan B you will be losing love.....isn't that backwards? Isn't Plan B supposed to preserve that love you still have?"<BR><I>...ah... an exellent question...<BR>...of course Plan B is in it's early stages... an effort to preserve love...<BR>...but... it is also a step that one takes when they see... there is a possibility of an END TO THE MARRIAGE...<BR>...I warn so many... "don't go to Plan B... unless you can accept that your marriage MIGHT end"...<BR>...during Plan B... it is inevitable that love will be loss...<BR>...when you hit "critical mass"(of your Love Bank balance)... a point of acceptance must say "IT'S OVER"...<BR>...It has to be a HEALTHY "it's over"...<BR>...What makes my move a bit unique is that I choose to do it after the divorce...<BR>...for most... it is the step BEFORE the divorce... in fact what makes the divorce happen with greater ease...</I><P>"Why are you going to Plan B?"...<BR><I>...I have reached my point of "acceptance"...<BR>I imagine some will want to see my Plan B letter...<BR>...if anyone is interested... I will post it.</I><P>"I won't even ask about this annulment stuff til later"...<BR><I>...actually for me... this is KEY... ...and gives that final closure...<BR>...in all reality... this special step (not formally part of MB concepts)...<BR>...is what is NECESSARY for me... not so much a "religious" issue... as much as a purging of all ill feelings...<BR>...going BEYOND... what many struggle with here... BEYOND FORGIVENESS!...<BR>...yes ...this will be a future post by me.</I><P>My eyes are wide...<BR>My heart is open...<BR>My friends... I have been so blessed by you!<P>---(back to other's replies)-----------------------------------------<P><B>Belle, Domestic Goddess</B>...<BR>Those I have helped...<BR>...and never posted... are missing out on the greatest value of these forums...<BR>...<B>it's people</B>... who know only how to love their fellow humans...<BR>..."Blessed are those who give comfort...<BR>...for they shall be comforted."<P><B>jamie-lee</B>...<BR>I know many people won't buy into this...<BR>...but...<BR>...<I>It isn't I that have the strength</I>...<BR>...<I>it has been passed through me from above... and can be taken on by anyone...<BR>... who empties himself/herself... to give it to their Lord.</I><BR>I, by myself am not strong at all...<BR>...actually quite weak...<BR>...it's HIS strength that is showing through...<BR>...I'm glad you got a chance to see it! <P>"Question?... Do you really believe that plan B will make the love die?"...<BR>Yes...<BR>The love of a marriage <B>can</B> die...<BR>...if the marriage wasn't <I>really</I> a marriage...<BR>The love I need to have/give to my Lord...<BR>...will never die...<BR>I am on this earth for the long run...<BR>...i.e. when my time here is no more...<BR>...and... then... which love still counts.<P><B>Bill</B>...<BR>Your love...<BR>Your prayers...<BR>...touch not just my heart...<BR>...but my soul as well.<P> <P>Jim

You mentioned growing closer to God in the pain of your ordeal--<P>Isn't it funny how a horrible tragedy like this either makes or breaks a person's faith? One always questions "Why God? Why am I the one who has to endure this? I believed in you, I served you, I have been obedient to you--so, why?"<P>Some become angry and turn away from all they have ever believed in. Or thought or professed to believe in.<P>And then some understand that God, in his love, has selected you for this challenge because he does know how strong you are, how much you hope you have, and your capacity for charity. He will send others to strengthen you and hold your hand during the dark times. In the end, you will blessed.<P>Well, you seem to be one of those people who have this understanding.<P>I think that I, too, have tempered by what I have gone through. I know so much more about myself and the people that I share my life with. I am beginning to understand human nature. I understand my past, my relationship with my parents, why I have done some of the things that I have done, and I see things about my spouse that I have never before been able to admit to or acknowledge.<P>I know for certain that there is a purpose in this life, and that if I learn what I am supposed to learn, carry out repentence and restitution for where I have failed, thus healing myself, I will grow. If I excercise forgiveness and learn to love others in spite of the pain that they cause me and ask God to bless them with His love, I will grow. That's what life is about. This is our purpose-this is what God wants.<P>I am understanding now, also, that when the good Lord says that something is right, then that's what it is. And when something is wrong, then it is wrong, no ifs, ands, buts, no dickering about it. Human nature is falable, and human passions are like shifting sands--unstable, without reason or logic sometimes, and nothing to base truth upon.<P>God is truth. <P>We can trust in His precepts.<P>And this is what this experience has taught me, this along with what my basic training drill sergeant taught me: "Do what you're told, and you WILL be alright." (Actually, he kinda yelled this little phrase quite curtly.)<P>Anyways, NSR--as I lack such a gift as to express myself well, I am just telling you that "you will be alright," and as the wonderful man that you are, you will certainly be blessed with better love and much happiness in the future. This is definately true.<P>Have faith--<P>Mary<P>

Dear Jim,<P>Boy, we have really been through it this past year....just know that I and others here have been so blessed to know you, and whatever you need, just ask...<BR>You will still go through some hard times to come, but I am encouraged by your posts and your outlook on life..it is such a humbling and growing experience to go through an affair and divorce with our x's. A hard thing, but in it's own way, we become strong and we get through it. <BR>Are you still counseling with Steve at all? Just wondering.<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Jim,<P> Your post and the replies,makes me very sad.I know the pain you have experienced thru all this.Perhaps it is Gods plan that all this has happened,but I know that "God hates divorce." God has performed miracles, and may turn her heart.<BR> Will be waiting to hear post on annulment.<BR> Love and Prayers,Beth

Jim,<BR>So much has been said about what people think of you and I want to echo those sentiments.<P>My prayers are with you Jim. God Bless!<P>Bob

<B>Mary</B>...<BR>I honestly pray for those who take this time in their lives... and blame God... or fall away...<BR>...it is a testament to the power of Satan.<BR>In time... when they reach the lowest point in their own lives...<BR>...they too (hopefully) will empty themselves...<BR>...find humility... and put aside the awful <B>pride</B> and <B>vanity</B> that strangles us and society...<BR>...and see... <B>Love is humble and knows unceasing humility</B>... ah... yes... Plan A.<P>I will be alright...<BR>...you will be alright too, Mary!<P><B>Susan</B>...<BR>I do read all of your posts...<BR>...but (as I'm job hunting) had very little time to respond to all of them.<BR>I hear you about the "hard times to come"...<BR>...I'm under no illusions about difficulties...<BR>In my emptying of self...<BR>...I have learned how to ask more than ever before... <I>THANKS</I>!<P>No... I am not in counseling with Steve anymore...<BR>...he might be interested in my case...<BR>...but it is running just the course it has too... with me having learned what I needed... and from all of you... so much of the beauty of life!<BR>Steve knows that my journey here has been a success story... a <B>real</B> success story!<P><B>Beth</B>...<BR>...your struggle is so much greater than mine...<BR>...I honestly feel for you... my sister!<BR>Yes... God does hate divorce... but hates adultery even more... and unrepentance the most!<BR>I will let HIS providence guide me...<BR>...and hearing/reading HIS words to forge me ahead.<BR>He gave me a beautiful gift of free will...<BR>...and he gave it to my W as well...<BR>...never would/should I challege that!<BR>I choose to use it for HIS glory.<P><B>Bob</B>...<BR>...with all that has happened and is happening to you...<BR>...I wonder how you do it all too!<BR>I look to your posts... as some of the steps I too will need (or have thrust upon me) to make as well. Keep your patience and resilience up... <P>------------------------------------------<P>With all my love to you....<P> <P>Jim

Dear Jim,<P>I've been looking for an update from you for quite some time. I thought I'd check over here on D/D. <P>Do you realize how many of us you are leading here. In my darkest times I've felt like there has been a hand held out to me, leading me into truth, preparing me for whatever lies ahead. Reading your posts (and others) was that hand...you will probably say it was really the hand of God, but as you know Jim, God works in mysterious ways. I've been mad at God for not giving me what I wanted...how have you escaped that? I'm sure your faith is stronger than mine, but when we pray so hard for something, that does not happen, then what? Acceptance I suppose.<P>Thank you for showing us how to go through this with dignity. We are stripped of our dignity when we realize that our spouses are leading lives of their own. It has been one of the most important things to me, to not be pathetic, to hold my head up high. I felt so much shame...and I don't know why. I was not the WS.<P>Keep us updated Jim, and thank you for all of your help. You opened the door very gently for each and every one of us once we found this web-site...we needed you, and still do.<P>allison

My good thoughts and prayers are with you. You sound like you are doing okay, but I know from experience, that even when you are doing okay, there are those days....don't be surprised if December 20th is one of them....I hope you and your kids have a wonderful Christmas.<P>Something you wrote about your wife....<P><B>she did not have in her what was necessary to accept the lifetime commitment of a sacramental marriage... of a covenant.</B><P>...is exactly what I've realized recently about my husband, esp. after talking to his mom. While he is truely skilled and talented in so many area, he lacks other skills that are vital to maintaining a lifetime commitment/covenant marriage. That just makes me so sad for him....esp. since I know he is capable of learning those skills. Sometimes I'm still mad that he gave up, but other times I just feel so sorry for him....will he ever find happiness?<P>Well, I'm still working out my own issues....in Plan B....and doing okay, with some days just down the tube! O well....<P>Take care and thanks for all the encouragement you've given us!<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

{{{{{{{Jim}}}}}}}}}<P>I remembered your upcoming date and I was also wondering where you were. I know you had decided to take a break from posting so much a while ago. I am glad to see you posted an update.<P>Your strength and dedication to this whole Plan A concept since the day I came here (my one year anniversary coming soon), has continuously amazed me. Sometimes I felt guilty that I couldn't hang on so faithfully. <P>You have grown , you have learned and you will go on to have a happy wonderful life regardless of this bad situation that we all have had to endure.<P>I'm glad to hear you won't be a stranger to the forum after your divorce. It sounds like you are a ready for this step, I hope that is the case and you will have a peaceful transition into the next phase.<P>I think you will have a lot to offer those in the Plan A stages. <P>Your posts have always been so helpful and I hope you'll continue on. I only stay on the d/d side now myself.<P>As we approach Dec 20, I find out that my ex is celebrating his one year anniversary this week with his OW!!! He left our family on Dec 25!! They were together since Dece 16 and he now admits it one year later.<P>I must admit, I was thinking he'd get out around the six month mark, but maybe he really loves her and didn't love me. I still have not found the answers I was searching for one year later, and I am wondering, if its not too late to put myself on a formal plan B myself as we approach Xmas day and what is going to be the second worst time of my life coming up.<P>Yet at the same time, I have someone new in myh life who brings me great joy and a relationship that I never had such an emotional level of before.<P>I will say a prayer for you on the 20th. I am sorry it's so close to the Holiday's for you . <P>What are your thoughts on moving to a Plan B one year later?? My divorce was final Oct 2000. I guess I think its time for me to try and let go completely, something I'm still not sure if I have done.<P>Sending lots of hugs and prayers,<BR>Sorry so long,<BR>Dana<BR>