Hi Sheba,<P> I read your reply to NSR.When your H is in contact with you,and asks you what you want for Christmas isnt that hard on you emotionally?<BR> I have been in contact with H also.It seems to be fulilling an emotional need for me to still have him in my life.But at the same time it is very difficult to see him,knowing that he is living with OW.Even tho he is pleasant and helpful to me,he still has every intention of getting a divorce.<BR> I found it difficult to be in no contact with him,but this is not easy on emotions either.How did you get to the point you are at now?You did not seem to distressed and depressed after he has contact with you,how do you manage?<P> Love and Prayers,Beth

Hi Alone1 -<P>Nice to hear from you Beth....<P>No, having contact with H makes me feel good....it's not hard at all!!!<P>The hardest part of all of this was NOT being able to communicate with him. I worked very hard to lead the way with how I wanted any potential relationship to be for the future.....whether together or apart. I wanted to have him in my life.<P>So, I guess I learned how to work through my emotions.....it's a process and takes time and thought training so that you can keep a forward movement going within yourself.<P>I was stuck in pain, frustration, speculation and confusion for so long that I didn't really have any movement.<BR>Once I discovered MB and the process of affairs, needs, etc. - I was able to end the paralysis I felt and start to live again.<P>I needed a course of action...something to give me some stability and purpose - goals, if you will.<P>The first thing I did was look deep inside myself and discover what it was that I truly wanted. I wanted my H in my life. Of course, as my Husband..but if he didn't agree....would I want to never see or talk to him again? Would I live happily in the future if things were left angry, hurtful and without some sort of understanding and compassion between us? If we ended up divorced, did I want it to be like we had never been such a huge part of each other's existance? Did I want to look back and remember my marriage as an angry, hurtful or wasted period of my life? The answer to these questions was NO!!!<P>So, what did I need to do to make it possible that these things wouldn't happen? I needed to understand that H is/was hurting, scared and searching for something.....<P>I needed to remember that he is/was a good person who got lost.....and consequently, so did I.<P>I needed to not react to his cruelty or selfishness and to realize that it was not AIMED at me on purpose....I was just in the way of the fall-out from his own personal mini-war he had going on inside. No, he didn't think of its effects on me.....he only knew what it did for himself. He was blinded by his own thought patterns....whether real or fantasized. I didn't fit in except for justifications and guilt pangs, as well as a roadblock to overcome.<P>I needed to accept that H and I were at a crossroads for a reason....what that reason is exactly I didn't know. But I knew that we were out of sync - out of touch with ourselves and each other. Something major had to change. This was the road to that change.<P>I needed to realize that OW (or OW's) weren't the cause.....just the solutions in his mind. Therefore, they didn't require my focus...I had to concentrate and work on my part in or what I could do to address the "cause" of what led to where we were. <P>I needed to realize that I couldn't control his thoughts, actions, words, etc. BUT I COULD control mine!!! So I had better start doing so.....else I was avoiding the problems just as he was.<P>I needed to start feeling better...what do I do to get that happening? I can't keep looking for him to make it happen. This is my job to do - not his....even in a great marriage state. When did I stop making myself happy? Was it when I dropped my care of everything else but all-consuming thoughts of "him" and "the problems and pain"? <P>Have I turned into someone else? Am I me anymore? Well, I want to change back!!! I want to be the woman I was. I don't like where I am now with myself.<P>Making those decisions helped me to act like the person I wanted to be. I didn't want to be an emotional cripple anymore....so I stopped!!! I had the power to all along and just didn't know it!!! It is all how we process our thoughts. That's the key......<P>I always could talk to H about anything.<BR>That was a major connection with us. Even throughout the years of affairtime, he would tell me things. Yes, It hurt terribly but it was at least a show of that connection we have. <P>When the lawyers got involved, that stopped for the most part.....it was awful!!! I never want it to be like that again with him. Fortunately, as soon as we were declared divorced, he was able to reestablish that communicative connection between us again.....and it was because I had kept steady in my desire for it and providing a caring and safe atmosphere for him to feel comfortable when he was ready. <P>All of these things occurred through a progressive process......I became very aware of my emotional processing....if I realized that I was getting a bit stuck in a negative emotion, I did something to change it and start that forward movement again. I refused to trap myself in another emotional cage, like at the beginning.<P>This was all pretty much accomplished with Plan A.....it's what I gained from Plan A, anyway.....and seeing that H felt a safe atmosphere with which to start talking positively and respectfully to me again.....I think it worked as much as possible for now in regards to him also.<P>Does any of this help Beth? Can you make some decisions and set up some "goals" for yourself using this?<P>Why do you think you are so emotional still? Do you feel that you have had forward movement for yourself? Do you think that you are stuck? What would help you to start being you again?<P>Why so much thought on OW? Does it do you any good? Does it really address anything? Is it keeping the "blame" on someone else rather than looking at cause?<P>I will gladly work through this with you is you want.....to discover what kind of goals might help you.......<P>Let me know OK? <P>Hang in There.....it can be better, and it will...with time, some introspection, some purposeful goals and lots of compassion and thinking.<P>BIG HUGS, Strength and Prayers,<P>Sheba<P><BR>

Dear Sheba,<BR> Wow! You sure do give a person alot to think about.Yes, I still feel alot of pain, I am a sensitive person.<BR> Have never felt happy unless my worth was cofirmed by a mans love.Father was an alcoholic, and I never felt much love from him.Do not feel ok alone,and have a high need for affection,probably because I didnt get a whole lot growing up.<BR> I like being in contact with H also,only it is hard not to see him or hear from him on a daily basis.I miss him.<BR> Had little time to plan A,by that time H did not let me meet his most important emtional needs.<BR> Unlike you and your H ,my H and I were not talking about anything important.We were talking about the activities of daily living,but we were unable to tell eachother what we needed.This lack of communication led to needs not being met.I think this is why I feel frustrated,because he turned to other people to tell them about his needs I was not meeting,instead of confronting me and saying"Things really have to change here ,I am losing my love for you."<BR> I do feel like I am stuck in emotional<BR> pain.Have not felt like I am moving forward,but really dont want to move forward without H by my side.<BR> Thanks for listening to my rambling.Thanks for your hugs and prayers,Beth<P>

Wow Sheba!<P>What a great post. Thank you.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Hi SHeba!!!<BR>Happy Holidays to you and thanks for the great post.<BR>Aloha, cl

Sheba,<P>You already know you're my hero. That was a notable post if I ever read one, Hon. Thank you for posting it!!!<P>I hope to talk to you this week-end ... I have decided on an answer for No. 1 of my PLAN. Still struggling with No. 3 tho ... guess my greedyness has got the better of me.<P>Chat with you soon.<P>Love,<BR>Jo