Last summer the house stayed hotter than it should have been because I couldn't get one of the windows open, and my H refused to come in and open it. Now, I can't close one of the storms. I fixed the plumbing myself twice in the last year. The only time my H has come in was when smoke came out of a light fixture - I imagine because that could well have been life threatening.<P>I don't think I'm weak or incompetent - I've stuffed a prolapse back into a sheep by myself in the dark, I've tube fed calves, I've given birth to an 11 pound<BR>baby without medication - but I'm tired. I've got no family around except my kids. I am responsible for the children 24/7 because he won't take all four of the younger ones at once. My job opportunities are severely restricted because I have to have a job that is close enough to home that I can pick up the kids if they get sick, and absolutely no overnight travel is essential. I can't leave for work before 8:30 when I send my special needs preschooler to school - everyone agrees that taking her to a daycare before school would be terribly stressful and confusing for her, and would negatively impact her progress.<P>Please don't tell me to hire someone to babysit overnight or to repair the house - I barely have enough money to feed the kids. <P>I am so tired of having all the responsibility and little of the control over our lives - he gets to have equal say in all the decisions about the kids, but he does not have to take any responsibility for them. <P>I can't imagine why anyone would ever give up living with the OP - they have it made. The OP gets over $700 a month in rent from my H, he gets a nice, upper middle class livestyle, and no responsibility. <P> <BR>

Nellie- Sounds to me like you need a good lawyer!!!!!!!!! (And a long vacation)<P>I wish I knew what to tell you honey. My life is a picnic compared to yours and I feel stressed out most days. I know what you mean though about your H. My now XH is on easy street. OW has money and he has all his share of the bills we owed paid. I'm struggling with a credit counseling agency to make payments. Pretty unfair isn't it? <P>Is there some lind of legal assistance in your area? There has to be somebody out there who could help you. I'm glad u are looking for a rental house. Let him have the house and the mortage payments for awhile!<P>I really can't believe what kind of man would just pretty much abandon his wife and kids like he has. My X didn't do that to me and we still talk very friendly to eachother at least 2 times a week. If he had done to me what your H had done to you I would be out for blood. <P>Just know that there are alot of us here standing behind you and if I could help you with anything let me know ok?<P>Jill

crazy or what -<P>Thanks for your support. Unfortunately, the judge granted my H a divorce a couple of months ago. It will be final in a few weeks. The only good thing is that my lawyer hasn't billed me yet. <P>When I find a place to rent, we are going to sell the house, which will give me money to pay off most of the debt, I hope. Rentals are just so expensive around here, and I obviously can't commute to work 2 hours each way. <P>Even though you can't just quit a high paying job to avoid child support, there is no way they can make someone hire him, obviously. I suspect that he is being given negative references - maybe he wasn't getting along with his co-workers.

Nellie,<P>One other thing I did was to put a add in the local paper. That is how the guy I rent from knew I was looking to rent. Maybe somebody nice will call you with a great house. Sometimes a house will look like a real dump empty but if you paint maybe put up some border ect it really shapes up. When I first saw this house I thought wow this house is a mess. I painted all of the rooms, cleaned the carpet and put up border and new curtains and it's adorable. Once I got all of my things moved in I almost liked it better than my other house. <P>It's too bad that rent is so high where u live. Nobody could ever say that being a single parent is easy now can they?<P>Take Care,<P>Jill

Nellie,<BR>I think about you and your situation so often and keep on thinking of what you can do.<P>Justice is often not served throught the courts. I hope that you are able to find a rental that makes life somewhat easier for you and your children.<P>If your stbx can afford to pay ow $700 in rent...is not child support before that? Did he always pay this. Ask your lawyer. The kids are supposed to be taken care of. If he is not earning how can he afford to pay ow?<P>You are a wonderful, strong and super woman and mother....I am sure that your kids will realize all you have done....if they do not already.<P>Why do you still allow him to have a say re the kids? Has he not abdicated this responsibility by not taking them together...or more rsponsibly? Has he ever looked after them when they were ill so that you did not have to? Has he ever given you "a day off?" Use his behaviour to at least get some relief from his inteferring when it does not make sense....to the children's well being.<BR>You cannot make him take them, but you can use this behaviour to get what you need to some extent....perhaps you can ask your lawyer. <P>Nellie, whatever your feelings for your husband, your children are hurting financially (and emotionally) due to his behaviour, there has to be a way that if he is not working, then he should be doing the chiuldcare in your home while you work...have this written into the divorce settlement (which I know you do not want, but seems inevitable) so use this to make him a better dad. If he gets a job, then he will have to pay more child support...but until then, have it that he gives time......it will be good for the children as well. You cannot ask him as he will not listen to you, but perhaps the law can be creative in this way. ....and he can help fix up things around the house at the same time.<P>Please take care of yourself<BR>

crazy or what,<P>I did try putting an ad in the paper once, and got no responses. Maybe after Christmas I will try again, but a week's tiny ad cost over $40. <P>The one place I looked at needed a lot more than paint and paper - there was at least one room that was missing part of a wall. Mostly I was concerned about the fact that the landlord had no concern about the lead paint issue - I was tempted to tell him that it was a violation of state law to rent to families with children under six if there is lead paint, and he is also not legally allowed to use that as an excuse not to rent to them. The people who were looking at the place before me had a toddler. <P>willbok,<P>The separation agreement has been signed and approved by the judge. We did put in it that he (or I) is not allowed to schedule non-emergency medical evaluations for the kids on his own. Unfortunately, joint legal custody is almost always awarded in this state, unless there is abuse. And I had no way of knowing he was going to have our child's haircut until he did. She may have protested, but, if so, he didn't listen. <P>My lawyer said that I can not make him take care of the kids, though I might be able to make him pay for daycare when I have to do something like pick up our other daughters. He readily agreed to take all four of them in that situation - but the first time he was going to, he got sick. He was sick, but of course if I am sick, I still have to take care of the kids. I have driven hundreds of miles to get my daughter when I had a fever. Unfortunately, he can't bring her home, because she won't have anything to do with him. <P>As long as he was getting unemployment, he had enough money left over after paying child support to pay his rent. I don't know what he is doing now. If he gets a decent job, he will have to pay more child support, but who knows when or if that will happen. And no, according my lawyer, in this state his financial needs come before child support - they will not make him pay any more than he can reasonably comfortably afford.

Nellie,<BR>Yes,you cannot make himtake thekids....when you have to do something else (work,pick up other kids etc.) or are ill. But perhapsyou can ask for relief from hardship his behaviour has caused the kids.<P>And here if he is not working and his CS is non-existant or very low (legally and not in default) you CAN TRY to petition the court to order him to do the childcare in your home, himself. This could be argued that since he is not working, since CS is paltry,YOU need to work to support the kids and he NEEDS to do this. Perhaps you can get in front of a sympathetic judge. OR TRY ADR..mediation re kids issues. You can bring up all of the issues...and custodial decision making as well and let the mediator help you both be creative in what the kids need. This is not about you or H,but about your 6 kids.<P>The justices also do make visitation in what is best for the kids.....you can write in that he should takea greater combination,if not all...i.e. only those who do not want to go, do not....kids choice,not H's.<P>Since he does not have the kids best interests at heart and you can prove this by past behaviour,continue to do what is best for your kids, and not H.

Investigate help for the special needs child. here are programs out there that include supervisory assistance, probably funds for special daycare or in-home help. I'd go for the in-home help. How about having someone live in and you aren't charging rent, just help with food/utilities, etc. <P>And I know you are tired of being the handiman bu the library has any book that would tell you how to fix something or in our church, we have a handiman ministry for single moms.

willbok,<P>My lawyer put something in the separation agreement about how it is good for the kids to spend time with him all together - not that he pays any attention to that. Do you know of any cases where they are actually forced the NCP to take care of the kids so the CP could work? <P>My lawyer and his both wanted us to go to a counselor to develop a "parenting plan." He fired his lawyer. <P>Sue,<P>I haven't heard of any programs that will provide financial assistance - the ones I have heard of are only for kids with expensive medical needs. I would like to have live-in help, but I don't know where they would sleep. The kids have to share tiny bedrooms as it is. <P>I do what I can, handyperson-wise, but some things I am just not strong enough to do.