I have been looking for a full-time job, but I don't really know what I would do if I found one. I only work half time at a very flexible and pretty well-paying job, and I still have used up almost all my vacation on emergencies, and almost all my sick leave on taking care of sick children. How do you handle teacher conferences - there are not enough evening conferences to cover all 4 kids - daytime school functions where literally every child has at least one parent there, half days, school vacations, delayed school openings? It wasn't easy working full-time when we had two adults and only two kids. Now that I am alone, and our youngest's special needs make day care difficult, it seems virtually impossible. <P>

Nellie,<P>It IS very difficult working full-time being a single mom. I am fortunate enough to have my parents close by who watch my kids 3 days a week, and an excellently sympathetic babysitter who only charges me $10 for watching 3 boys for 8 hours twice a week. <P>I spend 45 minutes Mon-Fri morning with my older 2 boys to get them out to school. And then I have them on weekends. It's not the greatest arrangement but right now it's the only thing I can do. I HAVE to work at least 40 hours a week and I still struggle. <P>I do not receive child support because my stbx will not work. (He will be in jail soon on contempt charges). He is also and absentee father. I get no support whatsoever from him. <P>I struggle continually but somehow manage to keep my head above water. It seems that just when I think I'm not gonna be able to make it anymore, something happens to make my situation easier. <P>It will happen for you Nellie. Sometimes we just have to take that chance to find out. It's a big risk and scary as hell, but we do what we have to to provide for our children.<P>Lots of luck to you!<P>Mitzi

Nellie,<P>I don't have kids, so I'll say right off the bat that I really have no clue what you are going through. On the other hand, I am the consummate perfectionist. I think you and I have something in common there. <P>This is a very hard time for you and your children, no doubt about it. It sucks that you all have to suffer because your H decided he didn't feel like being a parent anymore. It is true that it would be much easier to be a parent if he were home. But you know, I think kids see your struggles. Even when you can't provide all the things you want for them right now, they will have no doubt whatsoever that you love them. In the long run, they will remember how hard you worked to provide for them, how hard you tried to be there in their activities and daily-life, and how hard you tried to do everything in your power to lesson the impact of this divorce. You don't need to be perfect for them to know that you love them.

Hi Nellie,<P>You do what you have to do. You set priorities. You have rigid schedules. You accept a messy house, and McDonalds as a regular routine. You don't have a life is what happens. <P>I was lucky enough to start working from home some of the time - working at home part of the time, has relieved my burden - I can handle it now, on those days I don't have the commute (2 hours a day - maybe 3 with traffic) or even the extra hour to get ready - has given me back a life. I can throw a load of wash in. It truly helps. If the kids are sick, there isn't a problem.<P>But up to that point, I would get up at 4:30, get myself ready first, pack lunches, start something for dinner (thank goodness for crockpots) get breakfast - get kids ready for school (mine still require hands on attention) get them to eat, pack them up in car, drop them off at school, go to work - run errand at lunch, pick them up from aftercare after 6, home, dinner, homework, baths, bed. Clean, go to bed... to start all over.<P>It was all I could do to keep them in scouts and choir. After school sports was out. I grocery shopped during their practices. Its a terrible schedule, and I was always tired, always tense, always harried.<P>Nellie, its exhausting. Vacation time is used for necessities, not vacations. For meetings, for when kids sick, for school holidays. <P>I'm not trying to be discouraging, but the difference in being able to work at home some of the time, makes all the difference in the world. <P>If you are able, go for a job that allows you that flexibility, or the possibility of that in the future, even if the pay is not as great. Maybe since your job right now is flexible, they would be willing to increase your hours and let you do them at home? The time is worth it - I wouldn't have believed what a difference it makes - I think it will be commonplace in about 5 years - but right now, its hard to find. I hope you can. <P>

Nellie,<P>Its very difficult. My ex doesn't help me much at all with visitation and I get $112 a week for ALL 3 of my children. It doesn't go far.<P>To answer your question, I do home daycare. I am registered where I live, which allows me to charge more, and also, to qualify for a federal food reimbursement program that gives cash back to providers who feed healthy meals to children in care. <P>I work full time, as a matter of fact, I work about 55 hours a week, HOWEVER, when my kids are sick, I can stay home with them, and my toddler all day. If I really have to go somewhere, I take the kids if I have a few, some days, people call in sick. I take them to the playground and other functions a lot anyway so if I have a quick errand,they know the rules. <P>If I have a school function, I pay someone $15 to come in for an hour and watch the whole daycare to run to a conference. I also can make my own schedule and I let the parents know at the beginning of each year, what days I am closed for holidays, vacation and I schedule in down time for my own kids.<P>Its not easy. There are A LOT of negatives, and a lot of positives, however, I know my kids are getting the best care possible and until my youngest is 5, I am also saving money on daycare. When I add the savings I get from not paying daycare, and I write off a good 30% of my mortgage, utilities and many other expenses at the end of the year, I make out good at tax time. <P>Its hard work, but I have no choice for 2 more years, so I'll make the best of it. I also save on work clothes, gas to drive to work and eating out at work by staying home. <P>I miss my friends and my job but for now, this allows me to afford everything on my own (its pretty good money!) and even though its very tight, I know it will get better one day.<P>If you are ever interested in more info, feel free to email me. Its tough being a single mom and working OUTSIDE the home. I have a special needs child in my daycare. Unfortunately I can not give him the care he needs AND keep up the regular care I've always given the other kids because he is taking it all. I am going to have to let him go because I can't control him any longer. It makes me sad but with his mom working, she doesn't understand what I tell her as she sees him one hour a night after pickup and every other weekend (he goes to dad's opposite). So unfortunately I can't help any further here. <P>I understand how much extra work it can take for a special needs child. They are sweet and beautiful, but it is definetely a challenge at times.<P>I don't know the extent of the special need, but depending on what it is, you might try the Social Security Disability Department. As far as I know, this mom gets extra money from the government because of this. A friend of mine gets $600 a month for her son who has down's syndrome. It might be a path for some help for you, because you can use it somehow to help you and the kids.<P>Good luck, I read your other post about being a handyman, being tired, I know how you feel Nellie, I have been doing it too. Now its getting harder at holidays.<P>I know you are still not up to dating as far as I remember from way back on posts, but someday, this will get easier. I will say that my garage door broke the other night and I didn't even ask my bf, he just came and fixed it. It also helps to have an adult and emotional support in a difficult year, yet it wasn't easy to trust again.<P>Hang in there. My attorney said the first 1-2 years after divorce are so devestating for the custodial parent. I believe him completely.<P>The way I look at it, I'm half way thru it, Xmas day will be my one year mark.<P>Prayers and hugs,<BR>Dana<P>MissDMBrown@aol.com<BR>

Nellie,<BR>My story is proof that there are miracles. At the end of 98 the company I was working for was bought out. The prior 3 years I had been traveling heavily, working it around my then wife's part time work schedule.<P>With the buy out aand them having people in place I was worried that I would lose my job. But instead they shoe-horned me into a territory that really doesn't require me to travel over night. In addition I work out of my home so I am home 2 days per week. <P>So with my x leaving in 6-99, I wasn't in too bad a position.<BR> <BR>Mitzi had a good idea about operating a day care. That way you can be home when needed and possibly can get someone to fill in.<P>How involved are you kids in the helping around the house? I am still pretty protective of my kids, and don't try to make them take the place of their mother, but I keep trying to explain to them about finances, and my available time for each of them. I think they are starting to understand this.<P>You continue in my prayers.<P>Bob

There's no doubt that finding adiquit care for your children in the time frame that you need is very difficult.<P>I struggled with it all last year. I had my father sometimes and my ex and friends.<P>I feel BIG time for my child because i feel like she gets shuffled around too much. I can only imagine what she might think.<P>I have been off work for the last 3 months and am returning after the holidays.<P>My ex states he'll arrange his schedule so we never have to utilize a provider but i have aprehansion. He wasn't good for his word last year.<P>I was able to make ends meet last year but i would like to get ahead this time.<P>I wish i had an answer. I too have thought of the at home gig but what happens when parents don't show or go on vacation? Do you still charge for their child's spot? It's a variable i can't afford.<P>I live paycheck to paycheck right now.<P>GOD helps me everyday.<P>BUT i get extremetly frustrated so good luck and i guess my point is can you count on your ex for anything time wise or other???????

I work full time, 35 miles from home. It certainly is a challenge, and I've probably got it "easier" than many. I am blessed with three healthy kids, ages 14, 12 and 7. If one of the older two isn't feeling well, they stay home alone; luckily my youngest hasn't been sick enough to have to stay home recently. Parent-teacher conferences are done over the phone or before school. If their father can't keep them on a school holiday, the oldest is in charge. I hate to do it, as the younger two fight continually, but I really have no choice as cash flow doesn't usually allow for a sitter. My family doesn't live close enough to be able to help. I only really cook on the weekends I have the kids because they have usually already fed themselves by the time I get home, and the house is only clean when the kids aren't there.<P>We do what we have to do, no matter how much we hate to do it.<P>Have you considered using your computer to work from home? I did desktop publishing for 11 years out of my home, and I know people who do billing for doctors. And there's always web-based stuff. It may not be enough to do full time, but maybe you could pick up enough to supplement what you've already got going.

It's certainly not much fun. My STBX left me with the house and all the upkeep and bills. I only have my son every other week, but it can still be quite a chore. I guess I've resigned myself to having no life at all for awhile, but I think raising my son is a worthwile enough cause for any sacrifice. Wish my STBX felt the same <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Mitzi,<P>For most of my adult life, it seemed that just when the financial situation looked most bleak, something happened to make it better. Unfortunately, in the past few years it has been just the opposite. Just when I thought I could manage to at least make the minimum payments with my job and child support, my H lost his job. <P>TheStudent,<P>My kids are constantly bringing home things for school about activities or whatever that cost money. The 8 year old, especially, will always tell me she is not interested - and then, with further questioning, I usually find out that she is, but she knows we don't have the money. The kids don't ask for much, and my oldest has said that he will be happy to babysit whenever I want him to, but I can't expect him to babysit and do his homework well simultaneously, and of course he can't babysit if he's at school.<P>honey.west,<P>I wish I could just convert to full-time at my current job. A year ago it would have been possible, and I used to be able to bring work home sometimes. Unfortunately our work load has dropped off terribly, and there is not anywhere near enough work to keep everyone busy. <P>Dana,<P>My youngest was in daycare for awhile, and I know the provider had a hard time. I think she is really easy to care for, but she has a much harder time in groups, mainly because her language is so far behind and it is really hard to explain anything to her, though she is of normal intelligence. She seems somewhat happier in the integrated preschool, where there are a number of aides and a teacher trained in special needs. I have never heard of any of the other special needs kids I know getting money from SS, though I know respite care is available for those with severe special needs. <P>In February it will be two years since my H left - I wish I could say it has gotten easier in any way, but it has only gotten harder, especially since he lost his job. He pays child support regularly, but it is only just over $200 a week for the six of them. <P>Bob,<P>My kids are very good about helping around the house (not to say that they are neat, however). The real problem is that it is just not practical to work while raising 4 kids all alone, including one with special needs - not to mention the 2 kids at college. <P>looking ahead,<P>No, I can not count on my H for anything timewise. He is fine about rearranging visitation around birthday parties that the kids want to go to, etc., but that is it. <P>Patient,<P>I wish I could supplement with at home work, but I really need a job with benefits. Right now the kids and I are on state health insurance, but if I earn much more, we won't be eligible - and the cost of private, non-group health insurance would be hundreds of dollars a month. If I move 2-3 hours away, I could reduce by almost half the amount I pay for mortgage/rent, but obviously I can't commute that far. <P>The kids haven't gotten sick too often, yet, but 3 of them are too young to stay home alone, and even if they only get sick 3 times a year, that uses up 9 days of sick leave. <P>

Nellie- Have you thought about moving back to where you have friends and family who can help you? I think you have a pretty good case as far as petitioning the judge to let you move with the kids. <P>I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my family and friends near for support.<P>Jill

cooker,<P>I don't really mind if I don't have a life - but I want my children to be able to have one. I don't want my son to have to forgo everything to babysit several hours a day. I don't want my youngest's problems to be made worse by having to cope with too much chaos. I don't want my kids raising themselves. <P>This state chose to write the child support laws in such a way that the NCP's needs come first. Not only is child support limited to what he can comfortably afford no matter how many children he has, but it is rare for both alimony and child support to be awarded. It seems to me that if the legislature chose to refuse to ensure that the NCP provides a reasonable amount of support, then the legislature should come up with a way to make up the shortfall so the children don't suffer.<P>crazy or what,<P>My friends are in the same state, so that wouldn't be an issue, but I can't afford the housing costs there. Unfortunately, I have no immediate family in this country except my kids - my parents are dead, my sister lives in Europe. My nieces and nephews are scattered across the country and the world, all but one of my aunts and uncles are dead, I haven't seen any of my cousins, who are also scattered, in twenty years.

Nellie,<P>$200 a week for six?? OUCH!! Thats got to be tough too. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.<P>It seems there are not enough programs and support for those who really need it. (I could use some too!! )<P>Yes, I don't think the speech delay is the type of special needs that could get the SSD. THere are some disabilities that do though. Now I wonder the extend of my daycare child and what he has since he does get something.<P>Its hard, very hard to work, thats for sure. Sometimes you don't realize just having that extra body (former spouse) in the house helped, even if it seemed they did nothing.<P>Will be thinking of you and in my prayers, good luck, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>When I was working, my H took the kids to daycare or picked them up, or sometimes both. If they were sick, we shared staying home with them, though I probably stayed home a bit more. He used to take off work so we could both go to teacher conferences. He used to take off work to go to most of my check-ups while I was pregnant. We almost never hired a plumber or electrician to fix anything, because he could usually do it. We built a barn together. We did almost everything together. <P>Sometimes I feel like everything was done under false pretenses. The decision to not stop at 2 kids was a joint one. Only a year or so before he left he said he would have liked to have had even more kids than we do, if we could have afforded it. After he left, he claimed he didn't remember saying that. He wanted to go into business for himself, and I gave up my job and my home to go with him. That was ok, because it was important to him, but if I had had any idea that he would do this, I never would have. Had I stayed, my hourly pay would have been 50% more than it is now, and I could have almost afforded to raise the kids. I realize that he did not plan to leave then. As a matter of fact, he admitted after he left that as of about 6 months before the affair started, he had no plans to leave. The day before he left, he said that he had been feeling the way he was for weeks, maybe months. <P>There is no way of knowing, no matter how your spouse feels about you today, how he will feel the next morning. Though obviously (in retrospect) suffering from severe depression, he acted loving and affectionate until what I think was his first telephone conversation with her. By the next day, he had completely changed.

Boy Nellie your child support laws are completely opposite then they are in MN. Here they will take and take from the NCP until the CP has enough money too keep the standard of living that they had as a two income home. Now if the two income family lived from pay check to pay check, MN will leave the NCP with nothing. They'll do the child support guidelines and if that isn't enough they'll give the NCP allimony until the original amt. is reached. I knew this neighbor awhile back that ended up with 20.00 per week after he paid his ex and she was the one that left him! She got the house and enough money as to where her life style never changed. He at the age of 40 something moved in with his parents! Obviously our laws are not fair either. What ever happened to making both parents 50% responsible in the care and the financial obligation of the children?

Nellie 1,<P>I read your post(s) and my heart goes out to you. I have little idea where you live (big city/little town) but I would make a couple of suggestions.<P>First, you need a break! Its almost immposible to plan for tommorow when you are putting out fires every waking moment. You said you have kids in college. Xmas break should be starting anytime. Ask one of the kids to spend a few days at home watching over their younger siblings while you take a few days for yourself. If the kids can't do it, ask another family member. There has to be someone that can help!<P>Next, take an inventory of items/stuff that you no longer need and sell them. Not to sound cold hearted but let go of the emotional attachment to these "things" and sell them. (Do you really want or need the diamond ring the ex bought you? Just a thought.)<P>Then take an inventory of yourself trying to find your "marketable" skills. So few people ever do this and end up staying in the same old rut.<P>Try and find ways to make money that are not based on the number of hours you spend doing them. Telecommuting, PC based businesses, odd jobs like painting, gardening for profit, are all alternatives you need to consider. I see so many people spend their lives making a living, they never get the chance to make any money. (Yes they are two very different things.) I have a friend that cleans homes for a living. She charges $50 per visit (Not an hourly rate!) and tries to have the work done in 3 to 4 hours. She has five to six of these set up each week, not bad money, and it's very flexible!!!<P>Talk to someone about bankruptcy. Look I know a lot of people turn their nose up at such a suggestion but there are REASONS for bankruptcy. Consider that *most* bankruptcy actions take months after the filing and during that time you are relieved from the bill collectors, including your home mortgage company. As a side benefit(?) guess who the debt collectors are going to go after once you are off the bills...<P>Talk to your minister! Most clergy know a large number of people that may be able to help. Don't be afraid to ask! I'm constantly suprised at the number of people that are willing to help when the minister asks, but these same folks are afraid to ask for help when its needed.<P>Regardless of what you decide, one thing is clear. The ex isn't going to help and thats just how it is. No amount of chasing after him or court ordered payments are going to change it. Quit wasting your time, thoughts, and energies trying to make it happen. Is it fair? No, but its the facts of life and you need to accept them.<P>Without knowing a lot more about you and your situation thats about all I can offer. Just understand that opportunities are everywhere, we just have to be able see them when they present themselves.

BonnieSept,<P>In my state the child support is supposedly based on the relative incomes of both parents, but there are many problems with the formula - one of the major being the assumption that there are three or fewer children. Prior standard of living is not taken into account, nor is there any provision for requiring the NCP to provide at least 50% of the bare minimum required to feed/house the kids.<P>Country Guy,<P>My daughter would take care of the kids, but I do not have anywhere to go, or money to pay for it. I'm hoping that there will be enough work so I can work extra hours while she is home, but that is not likely. <P>Diamond ring? My H did offer to buy me an engagement ring before we were married, but I thought there are lots of more important things to spend money on. We sold almost everything before we moved here, and we really have very little of value. Know anyone who wants a milking stand or some rather old electric fencing? Now would not be a really good time to sell the snowblower...<P>I earn a pretty good salary at my part-time job, but I really need benefits. If I earn much more than I do now, I wouldn't be eligible for state health insurance, and most of any additional earnings would go to health insurance. The real problem is the high cost of living here. My credit is fine, but sooner or later I am going to run out of credit line if we don't sell the house. The major problem is that rentals are ridiculously expensive - three bedroom houses are often well over $2000 a month - and I am not sure how we would fit in a three bedroom house. What I really need is a job with housing. <P>The other problem is that, in this state, the court will not order the NCP to pay enough to support the kids unless he can easily afford it. My H will pay whatever the court orders him to; it is just that that is not nearly enough to support the kids. To bad the court can't force anyone to hire him.

Nellie- My offer to help you and the kids move to Minnesota still stands. A person can make a pretty good living here and the housing is cheap. I looked at a 4 bedroom house a few months ago that rented for 325 a month. <P>Just something to think about.<P><BR>Jill

crazy or what,<P>It's tempting. I don't know that a judge would allow it though, and I'm afraid I might miss New England too much. My sister almost moved to Minnesota once - we have some distant relatives there, somewhere. <P>$325 a month! That is amazing.

Nellie----<BR>You are in a most difficult position----<BR>no really great concrete answers for youe dilemma, either....<P>My first H developed a mental illness within a year of our second child's birth, and left me not only with their total support & care,but with $10,000 in bills. I had nothing but Welfare to go to at that time of my life. I loved my children, one of which was seriously & chronically ill, but I felt like a pariah, a deadbeat, a leech, and a millstone around everyone's neck for years. Nothing will bring you to your knees more absolutely than having to go to Welfare agencies for food & rent and to rummage through church basements for free clothing. I became the kind of person that I'd always despised & made fun of in better times. There was a Christmas when I had $11 dollars in my pocket and all my important belongings were stuffed into two black plastic garbage bags and I stood with my children on a highway in the dark , hoping that someone would pick us up and give us some kind of direction. <P>For the next seven years, we lived like crazy people--- I worked whatever jobs I could get, went through sitters like bags of chips ( few of them would come back after watching my youngest daughter's long seizures), dealt with the legal beaurocracy of being legally bound to an institutionalized spouse and parent and on and on and on.......<P>I remember not being kissed for four years, and not having sex for seven. And I remember that there were very good, very nice men who took stock of my horrible situation and thought "who needs this ****?" <P>And it slowly, slowly got better, and I slowly, slowly came to realize that my children were turning into people who were young adults with unusually open and mature attitudes about who & what constituted family and friends and community, and I had kids who did their own laundry and cooked OK meals, and looked after each other, and I had kids who were risk-takers and rebels, and I had kids who were going to make it OK in this new millenium, no matter what.....<P>Nellie--- your children know they are loved and wanted, and they're going to be alright. They may not live their lives in just the way you hope and want and imagine that they will live them, <BR>---- but they'll be alright.....<P>you can only do what you can humanly, possibly do---so some things will not get done at all---- but you'll all be OK in the final analysis---- <P>If your ex-h is capable of work & parenting, then let him PLEASE share these responsibilities.....<BR>