How do you know it's time to file for divorce? One day I'm ready to do it and the next day I'm not. My husband is an alcoholic and after 11 years of sobriety (that started before we dated)he started drinking. He been drinking for almost 3 years now and gambled for a year before that. This is not the man I married. If it weren't for our children I think I would have left long ago (he has figuratively). What I want to know is do you just jump in head first knowing that it is for the best for me and the children. Or do you get to a point where you know and there is no looking back.

psalms63, <BR>I would like to say hello and youre definately not alone!! I just commented to another person here on the forum who is on a roller coaster ride similar to the one you are on. I too am on a rollercoaster ride, but I have the controls from this point out.<P>For me, I am leaning more towards the 'get out before it turns into something very ugly' stage. My husband and I do not hate eachother by any means, but I JUST KNOW, that if we continue the way we are right now, it will get ugly. <P>I guess it has a lot to do with your own personal values. Do you want to walk away knowing that you did everything possible to save your marriage? Or, do you trust your own instinct and decide that the best time is now? <P>For me, my instinct tells me that if I stay it is only gonna get worse and turn into hate. I want to walk away with some decency between the two of us. <P>As far as my children go, I would never stay married to someone or stay with someone just because of the children. Some may think this is selfish act, but I am a firm believer that if mom and dad are not happy, the kids are not happy. Kids pick up on soooo much more than anyone ever thinks. They can hear through the walls, and they know when mom and dad have had an argument. They know you, your attitude, your good moods and bad moods. Believe me, they know when something is wrong. Imagine them feeling that way every day!!<P>Hopefully, hope is what you are feeling!! If not, I say trust your instincts, because when have they ever let you down?<P>Best wishes to you!

Psalms63<P>I will have been divorced one year on Dec 28. I still sometimes wonder if things could be different and I probably always will (my ex had and affair and filed for divorce). <P>I would suggest reading James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". It might give you some insight to help you make a decision. <P>There are no winners in a divorce. If children are involved, there is a new problem that arises for every problem that is solved.<P>Regards, Tom

Psalms63,<P>Divorce is not an end to anything especially when children are involved. I do hope you know that the drinking or gambling has nothing to do with his love for you are the children. It is about how he feels about himself. I am not taking his side. We all show our hurt in different ways. I have lived around alcoholics my entire life. My <BR>father died drunk. My son is an alcoholic and my younger brother is. One thing I have learned is that you cannot make them stop or make feel better about themselves. I know because I have tried. I have also known men and women who have stopped drinking for years but have turned to something else to take its place like gambling. It is about what is going on inside them. You may know all of this already and I didn't mean to insult you if you did. I just know that it took me years of hurt to realize all this and wanted to share. I have peace about it now especially about my father. I don't believe anyone should give advise about getting or not getting a divorce. I believe that is between you and God. I will pray for you.<BR>gentle <p>[This message has been edited by gentle (edited December 14, 2000).]

Psalms63,<BR> One more thing I forgot and I do not mean to offend anyone but, if you want to save your marriage I would not recommend Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough" tough love is for children we are teaching not husbands. I have tried it and it doesn't work.It can really harm a marriage. I did find a book that works. If you want to save your marriage I would recommend it.<BR>gentle

Psalm 63 and Gentle,<BR>I haven't talked to you before, but read your posts and just had to get your thoughts.<P>Psalm 63, your words could have been mine.<BR>I am not dealing with an alcoholic, bu i am living with a sex addict. (he says he doesnt have a problem).<P>I have just started meeting with a 12 step group and going to counseling to get help for myself, but I can tell it is going to be a long road.<P>I too am trying to decide if 21 years and two kids are worth trying to keep the marriage alive. Every lie seems to push me closer to the edge. <P>I have read "Love Must Be Tough". I think Dobson says in the book that you must be willing to accept the consequences of using his "Tough Love". I am sure it works with some and not with others. <P>I have tried everything to improve my marriage, but have come to realize that it is not in my control. I have also thought that if I filed for divorce, he would realize the error of his ways and beg me to stay. (This is the only thing I haven't tried--actually filing-- although it got close once).<BR> <BR>I feel that marriage is sacred and that kids don't deserve having their world torn apart, but I am beginning to feel that divorce may be my only option.<P>I am not sure when you know it's time---but I don't want to rush into things--but for my own sanity I need to let go.<P>I hope you find the answers. Please pass them along to me when you do.<P>Gentle,<BR>It sounds like you are an expert on addiction. I am just beginning to accept that my husband is an addict and that I have a problem too.<P>Thank you for sharing that addiction is about how they feel about themselves. It has been hard for me to understand that my husband could possibly care for me and still do the things he does. He is miserable and I have taken his misery on myself as well.<P>I know that divorce is not the perfect answer, but sometimes I feel that I will respect myself more for "choosing not to be the victim" anymore.<P>How do you continue to love someone who is a lier, a cheat, verbally abusive and does not realize they have a problem?

Dear Gentle and GodAlone,<BR>I do realize that the alcoholism has nothing to do with his love for me. I am also in a 12 step program (al-anon). I also know I can't do anything about the alcoholism, but I can do something for myself. I have been changing and have realized that this is not what I want for my life or for my children (they are still young). I have been realizing a lot these days, and although it is scary it is good too. I guess I will X the idea of jumping in headfirst for the moment and work my 12 step program as hard as I can.<BR>Thanks for your replies

God alone, <P>If you wanted me to answer your question this is how I learn what unconditional love is all about. We have all lied, cheated, and verbal abused someone even someone we love.<BR>Maybe not to the degree as some have but we have done other things to the ones we love. Sometimes we don't realize it for years. Some of use have done other things to the ones we love. No one is without sin. The part that got me was when I realized that the worst part was I had also done all these things to God. God stilled loved me and He always will. He loved me when I left my first husband he loved me when I didn't love him. He forgives me of all my wrong doings and all I have to do is ask. That is how I can love someone who sins against me. This helped me to do a lot of forgiving. I even had to learn to forgive myself. I hope this helps.<P>Psalms63,<BR>I am glad you decided to work the steps and wait a bit. Keep giving it to God.<BR>gentle