Hi, I stumbled across this bulletin board searching for some help with my issues with my husband. I hope you don't mind me sharing this story, maybe someone would have some pointers? <p>My name is Kelley and My Husband and I have been married 2 1/2 years, together for 10. My husband had a brief marriage right out of high school, you know, one of those, and he has a 12 year old little girl to show for it. When we were first together, we were YOUNG, and for me it was 'cute' that he had a little girl, she lived with her mom in upstate NY, and we would see her every other weekend while my husband was in College, which was fine, so I didn't get to party my brains out two weekends a month, big deal! Then when my husband graduated we moved to Arizona, and now we only see here twice a year for 2-3 weeks at a time. This has been GREAT for me. I know it kills my husband not to see her more, but he won't deal with those feelings, so I just enjoy the fact that she is there, and we are here. Infact, most of the time I pretend that she just doesn't exist(sorry, I have to be honest if I really want help). Well, I have just given birth to MY first baby, and I am just loving being a mommy. I am very idealistic I think the word is... I have the whole white pickett fence picture in my head, and for the most part I have all that I want!!! well my stepdaughter is here visiting right now, and she has decided that she wants to come live with us after this school year. I am paniced... I have always known this was a possibility, and although I thought I could handle it, I never thought it would actually happen. I *CAN* handle it, I JUST DONT WANT TOO. I have my son, and my husband, my golden retriever and my beautiful house and I like my life the way it is, I don't want to jump into being a full time parent to a pre-teenager... My son is the most important thing in my life, and I am not willing to share my attention or love right now. I am barely hanging on to my relationship with my husband through all of the changes we have encountered with a new baby in the house, I fear that adding her to our lives full time is just the final straw on our relationship, we need to figure out how to be husband and wife with a 5 month old baby, not with a 12 year old!! My husband couldn't be happier that she wants to come out (of course he is, he is a WONDERFUL father and loves his children more than life) In fact I believe that if he could have babies all by himself, he would just do that. I mean thats what I feel like doing now, I would rather be on my own with my son than be with my husband and his daughter... WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS? I feel very GUILTY for feeling like this, but its real, and I don't know how to deal with these feelings, I find myself very stressed and angry at every moment when she is around, I can't wait to get out of the house in the morning to just get away. And I just can't wait for her to GO HOME on Sunday. I feel so CHILDISH and SELFISH, but I can't seem to shake the feelings? She is a great child, and we get along very well (well as well as can be expected, she, as all children do, would much rather her parents get back together, though they are both remarried) I do not share these STRONG STRONG feelings I have with my husband, nor do I let on that I feel this way at all, Infact, my guilt is so great that I actually OVERCOMPENSATE on the nice side, so don't worry or think that I am Mean to her or anything. I just burn up on the inside with this almost like... hatred(I hate to say that) for her? WHAT DO I DO?

You need to tell your husband how you feel honestly. Show him the policy on joint agreement. you can find it on this web site. If you follow it you will see that you step-daughter living with you is not in you eunthusiaic agreement. you'll husband will not be enthusiatic about your feeling. You need to both sit down and come to a mutally agreeable decsion on this. Only by being honest can you hope to come to an agreement. Talk to him now.

I guess I feel differently than RustyNail. You knew your husband had this daughter when you married him. You even say you knew it was a possibility that his daughter would someday want to live with him. Then why in the world did you marry him??<p>You can't punish the little girl (the IDEA of whom you even admit was "sweet" at first), nor can you punish your husband, for wanting her around - he feels the same way about his daughter that you feel about your son! Imagine someone telling you that your son couldn't live with you! Your heart would be broken.<p>Buck up, be an adult and accept that his little girl will be in your life full time for 3 months. I don't think it's too much to ask if you love your husband.

Kelley, my feelings are something in between the two attitudes that have been posted so far. How old is your son? You said you have just given birth ... Often new mothers are so incredibly wrapped up in their newborns that they experience negative emotions about other members of their household. This is normal, but not acceptable. You indicate that your world has narrowed down to you and your baby - even your husband is not as important to you as he was, and you are starting to downright resent your step-daughter. You need to get some family counseling and deal with this or these negative emotions could destroy the family you want to be - not just the family you aren't quite ready for.<p>There is more to changing custody arrangements than what the child decides - in order for your husband to be legally appointed as her custodial parent, the court or some legal agency will have to amend the custody agreement. Her mother may not want that, but then again, maybe she will.<p>You need to really examine your feelings and motives. I agree that you didn't "sign on" so to speak to be a mother to a teenager, but you did marry your husband "for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death do you part" - not until you decide you don't like his child. That is something you need to think about. You need to speak openly to your husband about how you feel, without being hurtful.<p>Read the articles on this site about merged families, second marriages, and the entire section on negotiating in marriage. This isn't just about you and your son, it is also about your husband and his daughter, and his ex-wife. It is one of the things that needs to be dealt with when you marry someone who has a previous family.<p>Hope things work out for all of you.<p>terri

Sorry the policy of joint agreement just doesn't work well in this situation. The H will have to choose between his Daughter on the one hand and his wife and newborn son on the other. That is not a good situation for the husband or the 12 year old who could end up feeling rejected. The 12 year old exsists and that can not be changed by agreement. Dad needs to discuss the current situation with his ex-wife and between them they will decide what best for the daughter. The move may not even happen. Who says the 12 year old's mother wont veto the idea? Even if she did move in I'd be willling to bet that after the newness had worn off the grass might look a little greener back at home with mom. Right now she is comparing her life with mom to her vacations with your family. If she moves in wqith you she will be comparing apples with apples. I think you are feeling selfish and greedy because of the new baby. I think that is a natural feeling. It's difficult to adjust to the changes of an infant and even more difficult to adjust to the changes of an additional child, especially one who is half grown. But I know by experience it can be done. <p>I am currently married to a man who has three children I have two. That 5 between us with 4 still living at home. None of them are perfect. All of them take time. We are definatly not the Brady bunch. But we have developed into a family. If you open your heart and look deep you will find love enough to share. <p>Maybe she will move in maybe not. I think you need to work on accepting the fact that this 12 year old child has as much right to be with her Father as do you and your son. She also should be allowed to get to know her brother. It will be harder to juggle certainly, but the lifelong effect of making her Father choose could have disterous consequences.

Guess I'm a "Mean-hearted Stepmom," too (see my story in "Emotional Needs"), so just wanted you to know there's at least ONE sympathizer (empathizer?) out there... It's easy for everyone to feel for/side with the child's position (and she is, presumably, blameless), but this stepmomming is a very hard line to walk, especially when you don't have your hubby's support or feel he understands/acknowledges your feelings. Good luck!

Stepmomming is hard. People just don't realize how hard when its not your child. When I was dating after my divorce; I dated people with children. I dated a man with 3 children for almost 2 years. The conflicts that kept going on were all due to kids. (I had 2 kids also) I felt like I couldn't see his point of things, etc. And I broke our relationship off for those reasong - I didn't see an end to the constant conflict. It just takes a lot of hard work and commitment. When my husband (of 7 years now) married me - I brought 2 kids with me. We struggled with a lot of differences (mostly kids) - but then I had "our child". He is now 3 yrs old. The last 3 years of our marriage have been the strongest and best as he has realized what it is like raising children. He now sees things so differently with my kids because of our child. It has been a blessing. But all of it wasn't the child - a lot of it was pure timing - it takes time and patience to blend families. Peace to you.