Hey All,<P>I'm so confused today. My XH and I talked for 3 hrs today on the phone. He wants to start working on rebuilding our relationship. He feels so bad about what he did to me and the kids(where have I heard this one before). I don't know how I should feel. It did bring back all of those feelings back to the surface again. It's hard to be married for 17 years to someone and not to still love them. Last night I went to the kids choir concert. I sat by myself while I watched him walk in with OW. I have never felt so alone in my life. I asked him today how it made him feel to see me sitting there by myself watching our kids sing. He told me it made him feel like **** and he had wanted to come sit by me. <BR>I told him that before we even talked about even seeing eachother again he needed to deal with the OW and get her the hell out of my house. He said he knew it but it was a mess and he didn't know how he was going to do that. I guess if he really wants us back as a family he will have to prove to me we are his priority.<BR>He told me he is so miserable and sometimes thinks of killing himself. I told him that is a cop out and the cowards way out of all of this. <BR>I just don't know how to feel. I was feeling pretty great about my future ect now I feel so confused again.<BR>Sometimes life just bites don't it!<P>Jill

PTL<P>Practice Tough Love is what is needed right now with your teenage H. Be tough, hold your ground, and see what happens!<P>good start,<BR>how long has he been with OW?<P>tom<BR>

Is he on anti-depressants again? Is he willing to go back to the doctor? I wouldn't discount his talk about suicide. <P>

I see----- he attends your childrens' Chrismas Choir event with his OW, and then, when she's out of ear-shot, spends a few hours talking about re-building your marriage????<P>This is not just a time for "Tough Love," girl---- this is a time for saying "Tough SH*T!!!"----- you made your bed---- enjoy LYING IN IT!!!<P>You go on about your own life now---- this man has decided that you're not his woman and wife and lover anymore.....<P>If and WHEN he cuts his other woman out of his life, and lives on his own for a while, and takes the time to figure out his heart and his head and his capabiity for commitment,------- well, THEN you might let some feelings for this man come to the surface........<P>But for now??? Tell him to shove it. Expect and accept his good parenting behavior, but the let anything else go dormant. Save yourself.

Dear CrazyorWhat,<BR>I believe what he is telling you. <BR>Here's why:<BR>Two years ago, a few months after my husband left me and our 3 kids for another woman, I went to a Divorce Recovery class at our Church. One important point mentioned at one of the classes was how devastating it can be to get involved too quickly with someone else shortly after separation or divorce. It was emphasized that once a third party enters the picture during a separation (or shortly after a divorce) then you've essentially created a triangle, with you, your spouse (or ex-spouse) and the other person constituting that triangle. It then went on to say that if the wayward spouse attempts to break off the relationship with OP he has hurt yet another person. First you and his kids, then this new person. So, you see, it is very possible your husband has gotten himself into a situation that he was clearly not ready for and now he deeply regrets it but simply does not know where to begin to dig himself out.<BR>The other reason I say all this is because I believe my H. is in the same position yours is in. More on that later...

Cheerleader,<P>is there anger in that post?<P>I think one can say the same concept gracefully and realize that the now XH regrets where he is.<P>there is no need to show anger and disrespect unless you want to punish for some reason, and Jill was very mature and wished her XH good luck in finding his happiness. I think she showed strength and grace and has miles more sense than her childish XH.<P>WIFTT

Hi All,<P>Thankyou so much for all of your responses to my post. <P>You are right I do have to stick to my guns and continue with what I have been doing.<P>I feel that until he totally and finally breaks up with the OW and she is out out his life for good there is no hope for us. I don't know if there is hope for us anyway. <BR>Last year after I had totally forgiven him for the affair and the whole mess that went with it with OW1 I thought we had really made a break through with our marriage and I thought we were again on solid ground. Little did I know my whole world would be blown apart yet again exactly a year to the day of discovery of first affair. <BR>That is why I rushed into divorce so fast. I just couldn't take anymore. <BR>He is like a blind horse running through a field right now. With no direction and know way of knowing where his life is going. <BR>I know he loves us and is sincere with his feelings but I certainly can't trust he won't do this again. There will be some strict guidlines for him if he even thinks we have a chance. First and formost he is going to counseling! Second we are going to marriage counseling and we are going to date again not just rush back into all the same old patterns we were in. <BR>He is taking prozac and doesn't seem really depressed more guilty as he should.<BR>I still love him very much but I do regret telling him that. I think it will give him a false sense of security and he will continue to think I will be happy to just sit here and wait around for him to get of the pot so to speak. <BR>I'm glad I have my bearings more today. I was a wreck yesterday I just think I got lost in the feeling of familiarity and the hope that life will someday be back to the normalcie (sp?) I used to know. <BR>So to make this long rambling short I plan to continue life as it is now. One day at a time and try to look forward to each new day and hope that each one is better than the last. I guess that is all we can do now isn't it.<P>Jill

{{{{{{{{{{{{{JILL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I honestly don't think I'd want to be in your situation. It turns the whole thing around on you now. I was in that similar with my ex, he said the exact same stuff, but I told him that too much had happened and I could never trust him the same, but thats just me!<P>You do what makes you comfortable, but I would say that you are correct in him getting rid of OW. I hope he does!!<P>Good luck,Dana<BR>

Jill,<P>I forgot, how did Ex and OW act in your presence at the school?? Affectionate, or not really?? I would have to wonder if they seemed close, you know?? I hate the school functions, its just a mess.<P>Dana<BR>

Being a former betrayer, I can say that it does take some time to put everything into perspective. <P>I too wished to kill myself. My ex said something similar to what you said, basically "just don't do it in my apt". So, I went back to my house, loaded the gun, and wrote a suicide note. The only thing that "saved" me at that moment was my neighbor coming home. I regained enough lucidity to call a suicide crisis center here at the college and give my guns to the neighbor.<P>No matter how much you are hurting, there is no excuse for being mean, cruel, and punishing... just like he has no excuse for cheating on you. <P>That said, I don't think you should get back together with him just because he is considering suicide. I do believe he is hurting, however, he needs to figure out how to clean up his own mess. You cannot fix this for him. If, after some time, he can show some responsibility and willingness to tough it out with hard work on himself, it might be worthwhile. <P>He knows what he needs to do, he just needs to do it.

I've tried on those shoes but never walked in them. <P>X called me several times before the divorce and it was obvious to me and to our counselor whom I was able to reach by phone that he was suicidal. He had called me to save him. (Sort of wish I hadn't been home.)<P>I spent 18 months going to S-Anon meetings to deal with my x's sexual issues. It was a great place for me to be. Helped me see the two of us in a different light. Helped me own my part in the mess and give up the guilt he had tried to give me. S-Anon is a family group like Al-Anon for people who have family members who have sexual addiction issues. The telephone number for their international office where you can get information about groups close to you is 615-833-3152. Office for S-A (Sexaholics Anonymous) is 615-331-6230. Multiple extramarital affairs is a symptom of sexual addiction. <P>I'd say tough love is called for here. Just don't need to be easy on this guy. <P>But he'd have to do an awful lot of changing before I'd take him back. This is two affairs? And you two, or three, aren't the only ones involved. What about those children?<P>Maybe it's a step in the right direction. I hope so. But I tend to be a lot cynical. Good luck!