My wife of 15 years entered into an affair with my "good buddy" last summer, after about 3 years of stressful marriage.<P>I suspected it, in Aug, I figured it out in Sept. I confrontered her in Oct, she denied it, until Nov, then moved out.<P>She said that "her freindship" had nothing to do with it. <P>I was left at home, with our 18 year daughter and 6 year old son. She then proceeded to carry on a PUBLIC affair, with my "friend" who lived almost in sight of my home. She took up in an apartment maybe a mile away.<P>Often, When I dropped off my little fellow at preschool,at 7:00am, to catch the bus, her car was parked at his place, covered with frost, or snow. ( all night stay )<P>At first I was mad as %$#. Then I went to see a christian counc. who streered me to Harley's books. "how to win your wife back, before its too late", and "how to survive an affair". <P>BOTH books made clear sense to me. I read them several times, and did just as recomended. In May, her affair ended, and she began to come to counciling with me. In aug, she wanted to move back. <P>She did, but, she did would not give up her appt, her friend's friends. She worked part time, while the little guy, was still in day care after school. she refused to account for her time, or money.<P>We stopped counciling. So, not being dumb, I told her "TO MOVE IN" or "MOVE OUT". she then declared that I had not changed, and out she went, with furry ( this took several weeks ).<P>As it turns out, several weeks after coming back, she was a wedding of a friend, and the old boyfriend was there. I look back now, and can clearly see, that as a turning point in her attitude.<P>So. she is gone again, and like before, blaming the whole mess on me. Oh sure, I know that I contributed, a GREAT deal, to helping set the enviroment for an affair ( the first time) but SHE decided to enter into it, not once but twice.<P>So here I am a year and half later, and I am thinking that it, is about time, to divorce.<BR>I am about to file for full custody of the little fellow. I think once that happens, any slight chance that was there, will be gone.<P>I am looking for others who have had similar experinces. I would like prayers, and advice.<P>Thank You.

miffed,<P>I can see you Plan A-ed...<P>Have you considered Plan B?...<BR>...even for a short while?<BR>...before the divorce?<P> <P>Jim

Yes, I did plan A by the book...<P>I must say that it worked. <BR>What I was missing, was a good program<BR>fro what needed to happen in BOTH of us,<BR>when she returned.<P>I had a clear idea in my head, but she simply wanted "to try it out", and keep her saftey net, just in case.<P>I KNEW, that being the case, it would be a matter of time.<P>Yes, I am thinking plan B now. But honestly, I am so drained, that I want to "just move on" ...<P>Plan B, what do think should be a time limit ????

miffed...<P>The "time" issue is always a tough part...<P>The Harley books say about 18-months (following a 6-month Plan A)... i.e. about 2 years total for both.<P>Where you're at... is really up to you!<BR>How much love do you have left...<BR>...is something <B>you</B> have to evaluate.<P>I... have been in Plan A for 14+ months...<BR>...and since my W is forcing the divorce on me... before I got a chance to formally move there my self...<BR>...I will start my Plan B after my divorce (probably final next week!).<P>Check out my 2 posts on Plan B...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>.<P>I hope these help...<P> <P>Jim

Thanks for the posting notes on Plan A/B.<BR>I did not know they were there.<P>I will pray and consider my options.<BR>At this point, I have no feeling of Love\<BR>for her at all. Yet, I do realize, that my little fellow, would benifit, from a united<BR>family vs. a broken home.<P>Plus, I do know, that IF we could restore the marriage, then we would all benifit.<P>I don't mean to say, that I am aok, and she is not, but she is in hard place of anger and blame. It has become so hostile, that either child ( even the little one ) does not want to be around her.<P>I guess i should re read the plan b, and take a look at some of the postings.<P>Thanks for your help.<BR>Sorry to hear of your situation.<BR>I am sure, that like me, these past 2 years<BR>have been the longest of your life ...

miffed<P>Anyone can clearly understand and appreciate your anger - and you have every right to be. But I caution you... give yourself time before deciding to file for divorce. Don't do it in anger. And I would <I>strongly</I> advise you <B>not</B> to seek sole custody of your son. Unless there's abuse involved you wouldn't get it anyway, and attempting to do so will only cause more hard feelings in an already difficult situation. <P>If divorce is indeed the path you choose, please keep the needs of your children in the forefront at the expense of your own anger. If you and your wife are able to maintain civility, your children will be soooo much better off.<P>Good luck to you.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie

Dear Miffed, <P>Your story is similar to mine, as my x had an affair, came back and we tried to work on it, then he started back up with the OW again. This was over a two yr period. The last time he was with her for 3 month I did not know about, and 3 months I did. <P>He hid it from me pretty well, until his BD, when, at a restaurant, he was gone for quite a while. Then my 13 yr old son found him in a phone booth, talking to her, and came back to the table and told me he was saying I love you and goodbye to someone else. Ten my x accused my son of lying!! So, denial was a big part of this. <P>Give yourself all the time you need to make sure there can be no reconciliation. Plan B is to save any love you may have for her. It may also wake her up, but no threats of divorce. Only when you can no longer say you have done everything you could, and you have no love left, then divorce may be the answer.<P>------------------<BR>Susan

In response to both ...<P>I am considering PRIMARY custody of my son.<BR>Do you think there is anything wrong with the Dad, having that ?<P>Right now, by agreement, we have shared custody. 3 days each, then 4 days each. <BR>However, he is not doing well with this.<BR>he is angry about having to go over, and not behaving at all for her. He just damands to come "home". He is also now having problems in school.<P>I have an appointment for a child counciler, for an opinion.<P>Second, I'm not angry. I am disapointed. But it is clear to me, that the wife simply does not want to be married to me. How long should I remain, married, to some one, who has made it QUITE clear that they don't want me. <P>

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be the custodial parent. Have you discussed this with your wife? No matter what you'll have to come up with some kind of an agreement that works for not only the two of you, but - most importantly - for your son. Counciling is certainly a good idea, but how you and your wife act toward one another (both in and out of your son's presence) is going to be far more influential on him.<P>I know it's difficult, but try to give the situation as much time as you can - and it's even harder with a little one who just wants everything to be like it used to be. If she does not want to be married, then give her the space to take steps to that end. Don't do anything out of frustration; base your actions on what you want - not what you think she wants (or doesn't want).