Well my Hubby came today to clean all of his stuff out of the garage... We made plans for doing this last week. Upon his arrival I stayed upstairs and did my hair and makeup. He offered me to use the truck so I could go get my xmas tree. Which was nice of him.<P>At first when I went to the garage I was a little uncomfortable because it hurt that he was taking more stuff out and, As we were speaking I started to get upset so I excused myself... Went and got coffee, sat on my back porch for a few and got my composure back..<P>I then left to get my tree, took much more time then what was needed of course. I wanted him to sit in my house for awhile by himself.. Good for the soul ya know? Then when I came home I noticed he had begun to get a little agitated.. He claimed he has a lot of things to do and he needs to get going so he could. Well an hour later he left..<P>We had one of the best conversations we have had in a long time. Not about bad stuff. I spoke of me, my acceptance, understanding, anger, hurt, and my plans. He was a very good listener. I said that I understood his affair right now and that I was no longer going to be angry. I can accept why it is happening and I will over come that obstacle. I also said if she is what makes him happy then I am happy for him. Only because I can relate to what he is going through. I told him that I to know how it is to feel emotionally neglected, and that I know how easy it could be to turn to some one else. I said I am going to be on my own now and heal properly so that I do not make the same mistakes again. I feel by saying this I put the thought of what he was doing in his head as not being rational but, not in a way where he felt belittled. I kept everything about me. Almost kinda like reverse psycology. Planted the seed is what my therapist said. Put the thought in his head and let him think about it.<BR> Basically our talk made him aware that I can fully accept and take responsibilty for everthing that has been said and done. Now I have to learn from my mistakes and will grow from the knowledge in which I am seeking for myself. I had a great feeling of power when speaking to him today not power over him but for myself. I was so strong and so collected in my thoughts that my words flowed like water . I think my understanding of everthing scares him beacause he does not understand. This is a sign to him that I am stronger then he ever imagined. I think a little part of him is leary of that. The fact that we did not do everything we could to make our marriage sucessful does bother him, because he knows it may be a regret of his later. <BR> I said everything I wanted to say without making him feel any reason to be defensive. I never brought up any bad feelings or events that took place. Therefore giving him no reason to lash out because I was blaming him. It worked so well. I also stated to him that I will not allow arguments when we are in each others company. I have accepted my anger and I will make better choices in how I am going to deal with it. I did tell him I loved him and that I missed him, he asked why? I said because I have let go of all the bad feelings and I choose to remember what the foundation of our relationship was based on... Love, security, trust, excitement and faith. I said I choose to remember these things and not all of the bad and that I was not going to dwell on negativity just to make me feel better about his decsions. I did state to him that it saddened me we never sought help for our relationship and that I now need to take those steps on my own and work towards my future relationships when I choose to have one. I sad his alcohol problem and my depression problem are lethal when brought together and we should have been dealing with our issues all along however we tend to ignore things like those because of denial, and that as long as these issues are within us we will continue to be the same person. I choose not to be that same person. I feel so good right now. Now if I can just keep this up.. Wish me luck and thanks for listening.<P> Now the ball is in his court to accept and understand why he is doing it. I love to put all these wonderful positive thoughts I have in the open. I am sure he left here with some insight.<P>Also I had sent him a plant on Thursday with a little note that siad "Smile I Love You" He did thank me for that and said"that it was a really nice thing for me to do for him"<BR>I guess he had some major dental work done on Thursday and was feeling kinda icky. Perfect timing I say. <BR> As he was leaving he also smiled at me.. first time in awhile. That is how I knew today was a success.<P>I feel this website has given me a whole new prospective, wish I found it months ago. Thank You<BR>Diana<BR>

Goochy,<P>It sounds like you are starting down the right path. Just don't get discouraged - plan for the long haul. Just as your relationship did not go bad all of the sudden, don't expect it to be fixed quickly. It will take time.<P>Stay true to yourself. It is great that you are not giving into the hurt anger and pain. Focus on the love you have for him. Don't be needy - just try to start being friends again. And remember that if you both fell in love with each other once, I really believe that the odds are pretty good it can happen again.<P>Finally, ask God to heal your marriage. He is there to help - all you need to do is ask.<P>God Bless and keep you safe and strong!<BR>Mike

Thanks Mike.. However I probably screwed all of that up. Last night he dropped my son off and once again I could not deal with the fact that his OW was there. I know she is there anyways but, when my kids go over there and tell me she is there knowing how they feel about the situation I get all crazy. I did call him but there were no harsh words. I was not angry, stayed calm. <P>He did get angry though and he said that he is done he wil not change his mind he is happy now and he cold never see going back.<BR>He says he does not understand why I still love hima and that he wishes I would just find some one else so that I can get over him. He said the cards and the plant do make him feel uncomfortable because he can not return those kind of things to me.<P>Of course it is my own fault that I called and put myself in a position to hear these things again. Now I am depressed and I think I need to call my doctor today and get some meds. I feel like I am not able to get control of this.<P>I am not sure how it is so easy for him. I know he is in a new relationship and that is why he can be so calm and cool. I think that kills me more.

Keep in mind that the anger he expresses towards you probably has a lot to do with the guilt you are imposing on him. He even told you to find someone else - why? Do you really think in his state of mind that he is worried about you right now? This sounds mean, but if he was so worried about you, then he would be making his way back. Rather he just wants you to find someone else so he has more ammunition to aid his rationalizations.<P>A good friend of mine gave me some advice so many months ago when I asked him how he thought I should act when my wife left. He said "don't make it easy on her". He did not mean get nasty and angry, rather he meant that her guilt is hers and hers alone. The nicer I became with her, the harder and harder it would be on her - for the "tyrant" she believed she was leaving would now be gone and it would become more and more difficult for her to keep finding reasons to hate me and have anger towards me.<P>Now I don't mean "become a stalker" But simple notes, cards or whatever EVERY NOW AND THEN (not all the time) can not hurt. Always follow your heart - that is my motto. Sure sometimes I get hurt, but I know that I am always being honest with myself and that is more important than any amount of hurt in the world.<P>Keep strong.<BR>Mike

Thanks Mike. I just need to make some changes right now, living in this house is killing me. I need to move on and get focused again. I just don't know how to.<P>I do believe in everthing that everyone here and everywhere esle says. I just have to wander why so many of our situations end up in DIVORCE. Is it distructive for me to let him know how I hurt for him. I know is reply is always... well you have to move on, there is no going back. Those words sound so final!!!!

Goochy,<P>I am also still living in "our" house. I have to admit that in the beginning it was tough - real tough. There were triggers everywhere. What is even worse is that I find myself doing things the way she used to do them. Not so much out of anything for her, but rather I just did not know (or appreciate) how much they mean to me.<P>But I also believe that living in the house has been a great growing experience for me. I made the decision to "work through my feelings" instead of just hiding them away. My house is special for all the times we spent together there, but it is also special because it is my home.<P>Instead of running away like my wife, I chose to stay and face my fears and my memories. I feel so much stronger for that decision.<P>Keep in mind that it is true that you need to move on with your life, but that does not necessarily mean you leave your old life and spouse behind. One day you will see that the memories you had, the good ones, will be ones that you cherish. I already see that happening each day.<P>Keep strong - pray for strength and know that we will all get through this. It just takes time. Even as far as I have come (and as far as my wife has gone), I still keep outside hope for our marriage. I truly believe that God is working in both of us right now. We both need to grow and discover who we really are. But deep down, I truly believe we were meant to be together. But I also know that my wife is a very, very stubborn person. She may never look back and think to try again - that is just something I have learned to accept.<P>My prayers are with you and your husband for this holiday season.<P>Mike