Well let me try to describe the situation as briefly as possible, but there is a lot to it so sorry in advance for the long post.<P>My W and I have been married for 3 years. I am 28 she is 22. We lived together for about a year before marraige, then we got pregnant and had to get married due to the medical situation. It was a very fast way to do it. Neither of us were really ready for marraige, but we were very good together and had a good relationship so it seemed like the best idea, personnally I was going to get engaged to her, but not for another year. <P>We had our son and then shortly after we decided to move closer to family to help us out with our newborn (which was also a premature birth and we had lots of complications, a total of 4 weeks in the hospital for both my W and son). We have been living near my parents for the past two years and she just hasn't seemed happy. <P>Her parents, whom also just recently separated, live on the west coast, mother in Oregon, Father in California. 3 weeks ago she went out to visit her mother, who is very sick with kidney disease. The day before she was supposed to come back she called and said she wasn't comming back. She couldn't handle being miserable here anymore and wanted to be on her own for a while. I didn't see it coming, I thought our relationship was good, not great be any means but good. <P> She says that I was working too much and not paying enough attention to them. And I amidt I was, I've been having to work two jobs for the past 2 years to support us putting in about 70 hours a week. I know that was wrong, and now I realize that I should have spent more time with them. I want to make it work but don't know what to do. <P>To make matters worst last year she had an affair. We managed to get through that and get our relationship going again, but then we both just let it faulter again. And now she is in Oregon and very happy spending time with her mother, aunt, and cousin, all of which are single. <P>She wants her independance now, she was always a full time mother/wife, and only worked a part-time job just so she could get out of the house. She never had any friends here and always was missing her family, especially her mother whom she is very close to. I have tried to convince her that I will move the family out there and we can start over, but she just doesn't believe it will work "It didn't work the last time (after the affair), why would it work this time" is what she tells me. <P>I don't know what to do, I know I can make it work, I can be a better husband and father, I was just trying to do too much and dropped the ball by not paying attention to my family. She also says she loves me, but is not in love with me, standard for this sort of thing i guess, and that I was more trying to be her father than her husband, and I did. <BR>I knew she was unhappy here, so I always tried to get her to be more independant, stuff like get a full time job, go to school so you can meet people, etc. But I would get so frustrated when she wouldn't do anything I thought the best method was tough love, thus becoming her father. I should have just consoled her and helped her in a caring way.<P> Im so stupid. I am going to fly out and see her tommorow and pick up my son and bring him back for the holidays. We both agreed on this due to the fact that I haven't seen him in three weeks. Then after the new years she is supposed to come back here, pick up a few things and our son and go back to Oregon (I live in Indiana). <P>I know at this point I desparately want her back. She thinks I just miss our son, but I have been telling her and telling her that I miss her. I am thinking of writing a letter to give her that explains why I miss her, nothing negative in it and no begging for forgiveness, etc. just a list of why I love her (good idea or not?). Then she can read it and have some time to really think, especially since I will be taking care of our son. <P>She is a wonderfull mother and hasn't even been away from our son for more than 3 days, so I don't know how she is going to take that. <P>If we do separate should I move out to Oregon? If I don't I won't get to see my son that much, and we can't keep flying him back and forth. She says she is definatly not coming back her, so I don't think I have much choice. I just really don't want to go out there and have nothing but the ashes of a marraige and my son, no other means of support and no friends. PLEASE HELP ME. <P>Thanks and sorry for the long, babbeling post.<p>[This message has been edited by KLS (edited December 17, 2000).]

First. By all means move to be close to your son if that is possible. I have been divorced for about eight months. I took a job two states away because it was the only thing that I could do. So I packed up myself and my children and left my family and my ex husband. To make a long story short my children miss their father greatly and as a result he is moving here to be with them.<P>Now to your wife. I would say to give her some room. The more you push the father away you may push her. I know that from my own experience. My ex husband kept pushing for reconsilation when I was not ready and I backed way off. In a sense I am still not ready, but now, months later, I am more willing to listen.<P>terentia<p>[This message has been edited by terentia (edited December 17, 2000).]

, to support it, it's a catch 22, give some lose some. If I had it to do over I would have been around WAY more.<p>[This message has been edited by bogus (edited January 07, 2001).]

I hear you bogus, hindsight is 20/20. But the problem is that I would have to move out there, there is no way that she is going to come back here, and I don't have much hear, sure my family and friends, but I am a pretty independant person. I believe that while I would be crazy about moving there, the rebuilding of my family, or at least my son's and I's relationship is more important. Thanks for making me feel welcomed.

Go to Oregon, bust your butt, after all it is your family. Good luck and God Bless.

KLS,<P>All I can say is dejavu! What you need to do is go to the search page on this site and do a search for two screen names - mine (SoTired2000) and Jayhawk93. While neither of us had kids, the age thing is right in line with what you are experiencing - all the way down to being married 3 years!<P>I have no doubt you will find similarities in both of our stories. My advice is that you need to prepare yourself starting today - you are in for a long hard battle and EVERYTHING you do may effect the outcome...<P>Work primarily on getting some balance in yourself - the worst thing you can do right now is act "needy". Also you will need to understand that most of what you say and do will not be believed by your wife - that is just the state of mind she is in.<P>Spend this time focusing on yourself - evaluating what you did wrong to learn from it. Begin fixing your marriage by first fixing yourself.<P>My one piece of advice is no matter what, appear strong whenever you deal with your wife - not to be a jerk, but rather to just be strong.<P>Link to the search page: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?action=intro&default=34" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/search.cgi?action=intro&default=34</A> <P>good luck and God Bless.<P>Mike

Well I back and my son is with me, he is playing with my family right now. <P>It's been really tough, especially seeing the W again. She didn't stay very long, only to<BR>really drop my son off. I tried to look strong and well, hope I was hiding it well enough cause I was tearing up inside. The only positive aspect of our meeting was that I put my arm around her and she did the same to me, but that was fleeting. I wanted so bad to grab her and hug her, but I restrained myself. She left soon after, I asked her if she was ok, or wanted to talk, she said no, and I was proud that I didn't push. <P>I had to spend the rest of the night in the hotel with my son. It was really hard. There<BR>were many times that I almost gave up and called her to come get our son, and then I<BR>would have just left. It was hard being with him without her there, it just didn't seem<BR>right. <P>But I held strong, played with my son and we had a good time. It was only really bad<BR>when he kept asking "where's mommy", but I distracted him. On the plane ride home he<BR>was really good, untill we got here and he said "I don't want to go home, want to go to<BR>grandma's" (meaning her mothers). <P>I'm better now, got an appointment to see my counsler tommorrow, trying to figure out<BR>how to fix me, and us. Still leaning towards leaving for Oregon for the sake of my son.<P>But I really don't know if I can handle being out there with no other form of support. No<BR>friend or family, just my son. I don't know if I am strong enough for this. Can anybody<BR>offer any advice?<BR>

KLS,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But I really don't know if I can handle being out there with no other form of support. No friend or family, just my son.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Ok......so what is the point of having family and friends for support if you don't have a M,your W and son by your side???<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>just my son.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My gosh.........isn't that reason enough?<P>If you were to move out there get a job,any job,#1 you would be w/your son.....he needs his Daddy! #2,It would be the biggest sign of love,committment and dedication you have for your W and son! <P>Worst case.........it doesn't work.In the end you will have the love of your son,the memeories to cherish forever[they do grow up fast]and you will know that you did Everything to make your M work.That my friend,you can be proud of.<P>Just my 2 cents. <P>Good luck!! <P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----