Hi friends,<P>OK here is a different question entirely.<P>Can you fall out of love with your ex spouse? (or soon to be). <P>It seems just as hard to know you are totally not in love anymore??<P>There is a saying that the opposite of love is indifference (not hate) and also that there is a thin line between love and hate as far as emotions go??<P>Dana<BR>

yes, Yes, YEs, YES! <B> YES! </B><P>I'm there, she's a royal pain in the @ss,<BR>and will continue to be so until the day she passes. All i can say is that I hope i can make the next ten years.<P>I will be polite and stop now!<P>WIFTTy

Dana,<P>I can say, YES, in my case I have "fallen out of love" with my stbx. When I saw him last in October, I felt nothing for him. No love or hate. I can honestly say I don't hate him, I just hate what he did last year and how he is treating his kids now. <P>Some people will say that I never loved him but that's not true. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't have stayed married to him long enough for him to have an affair! It's just that 1 person can only be hurt by their spouse so many times before that love dies. <P>Make sense?? <P>Hugs,<BR>Mitzi

No, I do not believe that you ever stop loving someone that you have loved (as opposed to just having been "in love with." The love can get buried under hurt and resentment, but it is still there. Forever.

I pretty much hate my x. She is not the same person I fell in love with and I see no redeamable qualities in her. Could she revert back to her former self? Yes. But could I fall in love with her again? No, there has been too much pain and hurt and I don't think I could ever trust her again.<P>I can't wait till I get to the indifference stage!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Dana,<P>Though, I don't really believe in the phrase "falling in" or "falling out" of love, I'll try to answer anyway. <P>Personally I don't believe that true love ever dies. I don't believe that love is about mere feelings, but also about committment and genuine care for one another. Saying this, I believe its more about choice. Meaning, you can choose to no longer be committed to this person. But as far as the love, I just don't think it goes away, but it is hidden by a lot of hurt & pain. <P>You see, though I may not ever have the chance to reconcile with my stbx, something I can do is... choose to no longer stay committed to a man who no longer wants me and move on with my life, I know that I will always love him sincerely.<P>Maybe that's just me.<BR><P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

I'm with you Bob.<P>

I'm at the indifference stage. I no longer love the ex.<P>I have to agree with the main jist of Bob's statement.<P>Steve Harley showed me how love <B>IS</B> conditional.<P>The only unconditional love is that which God has for us and that which a mother feels for a child.<P>Love is an action. It is based on filling <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> and having yours met. When <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> are committed over an indeffinate period of time, love dies.<P>IMHO anyone that hangs on after that indeffinate time and their love has truly died yet the cling to the idea of what was is co-dependent. It takes a great deal of guts to get over this last hump.<P>I do not hate the ex nor do I resent her, I have reached indifference. Thank God!!!<P>Bill

WilliamJ,<P>Thank goodness I don't believe that all love is conditional (and what about a father's love, for that matter - is that always conditional?). I wouldn't want to live in a world like that.

Is it co-dependence or just a fear of being alone?? <P>or maybe they stay for financial reasons..<BR>like I have..knowing I could stay home w/<BR>my kids..and be here for them when they got home from school, and not have to worry about<BR>a baby sitter when they were out of school..<BR>I know that it's harder now..but I am happier that he's not here even one weekend a month..<p>[This message has been edited by ThornedRose (edited December 17, 2000).]

Hey Dana:<P>I don't know that we "fall out of love". I think love changes over time. I think there are different stages we go though. In the beginning, it feels "passionate" over time there is "contentment". I think for many people when the passion is gone they feel the love is gone too. Many are not satisfied with contentment. I was content (although we had many problems) and would have stay married forever. But my x was looking for more than that. But, who really knows what love is? It is a mystery. I don't think any of us will ever figure out.

I sure hope so. I suppose I'll always care about her, but I really would like my feelings for her to wane. I'm relatively new to the process, but I feel it slowly diminshing. I think the longer she shows her ambivalence toward me and my feelings the more my love for her will die.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Nellie,<P>In my observations of the world around us, this is my experience...Sure I have a general love for man kind and such...Yes I do think a fathers love for his children is different than a mothers and can be conditional.<P>I choose to see life how it is not from behind rose colored glasses. I do see the goodness in people, but I also see how conditional love is...Sorry, just MO.<P>I know I may sound cold in this but after I peel away my emotional responce to the world this is how I see it.<P>Bill<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited December 18, 2000).]

I almost wonder if we were ever really in love , or just seemed like a decent match to us.......... I know I absolutly loved being with him, and thought he did me, but in retrospect, I think he was settling for me. It is a sad thing to feel ! To live with someone for 15 years and have 3 children with him never really being sure stinks!!!!!!!<P>But at least now, I have seen how much he truly cared ....... all his lies were proven to me when it came down to the wire. I can only hope the divorce goes smoothly, knowing his selfish nature, I am sure it will not. I am between indifference, and hate.....prior to that it was not love, only the duty of keeping face.I am so glad to be rid of him at this point I could scream!!!!!!! I do not want to be alone the rest of my life but I would rather not be with him. Thanks, now that I have vented for the day.

I'm with Nellie and Jamie-Lee. <P><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited December 18, 2000).]

Hi friends,<P>I certainly did not intend for my question to be a flame starter!! I am in a strange place these days thats all. Dealing with the first xmas after ex left on xmas. Its scary.<P>Finding that I fell in love with someone and it feels so wonderful, but that painful reminder of my ex which worries me that nothing lasts forever anymore. That bothers me too.<P>Also seeing someone who has an ex, and having insecurities that he will still love her. <P>Of course, I am in a holiday slump and I know I'll feel much better after these holidays are over. I did manage to send out xmas cards, go shopping (and totally loved it) for my daughters and bf. Went to a xmas party, didn't once feel bad about it. I'm really doing a lot better than I thought I would be.<P>Tom, Mitzi, Bob and Bill - it doesn't surprise me that you guys feel the way you do, you have gone thru a lot this year and I think the magnitude of some of the betrayals are so awful that some people just are able to get over it better than others.<P>To Nellie and Jamie Lee , I know you ladies will always love your ex's and thats not a bad thing either.<P>Thorned Rose, I agree, some people stay out of obligation, but do you feel your love changes??<P>To Jen - haven't heard from you in a long time, send me some mail when you get a moment girl!<P>To Nick - hey "niceguy" haven't seen you on the boards in a while, but I'm busy trying to get thru this month.<P>TS - if its not too personal, do you feel this is true for you with both ex's?? <P>I guess my question is too general to be a yes or no answer. Its probably different for all of us, since we all had a different kind of love, emotional relationship and betrayal of some sort. Whats most important is that we all learn from this so we can go on to a healthy relationship next time, which is something I'm working on right now.<P>Happy Holidays to all my friends, feel free to email me personally if you'd like as I am sure I won't be on a lot in the next few weeks.<P>Dana<P>MissDMBrown@aol.com<BR>

Hi again,<P>I just thought about something else. To those who feel yes they fell out of love, did you do a successful plan b?? To those who feel they are still in love, are you still in Plan a???<P>Just curious.<P>I never made it to Plan B, Plan A killed me <P>Dana<BR>

Hi Dana,<P>You never did 'fess up to what it was that made a guy look like a "nice guy" <P>I guess I'm in plan A/B. I initiate no contact at all with her, unless it has to do with my son or our separation agreement. When we do have contact, I am always friendly & try to be considerate, but there is no more "us" in the discussions.<P>I suspect I will always "love" her, but the "in love" feeling is slowly going away. The pain is fading slowly and I feel some healing but I still have a long way to go. <P>Like a lot of people in here, I crave a relationship with someone else, but I know I'm not ready for it, and a "quick fix" of affection and companionship will only slow my eventual recovery.<P>Understand the holiday thing. I absolutely can't wait for Christmas to be over.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Plan B didn't work like it was supposed to in reconciliation,etc.<P>But it worked in slowing the love loss down to where i could think straight again, find<BR>some stability, and detach for awhile.<P>It gives the WS a chance to really live like she wants to. And it gives you the view of how nuts the relationship really was at different points in time. Mainly, because you watch people navigating fog without radars, you watch what a rebound relationship is, you watch what to see what they really think they want, of course which is the opposite of us.<P>but it is sure a struggle, and frustrating!<BR>and there is how many more years of this crap?<P>don't stop, Dana, you can make it through the first christmas, and after that it will be much better.<P>tom

I think it is totally possible to fall out of love with someone. Not everyone here is a victim of adulterey. How about the spouse who treats his W like he owns her...like he would own a boat or a prize horse. That's how I felt. I know I loved my H, but I am not a dog who will love my master unconditionally even if he treats me terribly. I don't feel any love anymore. <BR>