DanaB,<P>yes, it is true for both ex's. My first ex had our marriage annulled and re-married within a year after our divorce. He came looking for me seven years after our divorce, but by that time I had gotten remarried to my second H. <P>I will always love both of them. Neither of them wanted to stay married to me, so I did not have any choice. My first ex was so abnormal that I felt like giving marriage a second shot would be worthwhile. I've learned since then that there are (roughly) two kinds of marriages...Those where one or both believe marriage is about being "in-love" and feelings, and others in which commitment is more important. Of course, it is not exactly that black and white. In my experience, it is the person who initiates the divorce and who "moves on" the quickest is most likely the one who believes that marriage is about feelings. Probably because it takes them no time to trade faces and call it "love". <P>I don't believe in the concept of "falling in love" and I wouldn't want to be with someone who claimed not to love a person they made a lifetime commitment to. If they could "fall out of love" with them, then they could very easily fall-in-love/out-of-love with me. No thanks.<P>It doesn't bother you at all that this someone special could "fall" for you so quickly? Or vice-versa? <P>I don't believe either of my exes loved me. Not one bit. I was a fun plaything to take up their spare moments. Totally replaceable. I wouldn't be surprised if my ex never thought about me. That's just the way he is. Out with the old, in with the new. That is how I feel about anyone who claims to stop loving someone they made a lifetime commitment to. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited December 18, 2000).]

How can you still love the mother of your children when you tell her, her d stayed home from school with a cold, but mother, who is off work today, makes no offer to watch over d, to be there for her or anything. She hasn't even called to see how d is doing. I just lose more respect for her everyday.

nikkilynn... that sounds sooooo familiar!<P>I think one can most certainly fall out of love. But I don't think you have to become indifferent or hate them; I don't think it's that black and white. I don't love my ex anymore. But I don't hate him (anymore), nor do I feel particularly indifferent. I <I>care</I> in the sense that, in spite of everything, I'd still be there if he really needed me - sort of the way I would for a friend, but I would never become involved with him again. I wouldn't describe our relationship as close or good friends, either.<P>However... I imagine I <I>could</I> harbor some really nasty sentiments if he ever stopped living up to his obligations regarding the kids. But, thus far he's been a much better ex than he ever was a husband and the kids and I are much better off for it.

First let me say, though I am very much still committed to what's left of my marriage and love him deeply, I also respect(for a lack of a better word) the fact that my stbx does not want to try to make things work. So I am learnig to accept this fact and move on. If its meant to be it will be, but to keep my sanity I am working on building a new and better Jamie. Not really in either plan anymore.<P>I hope this isn't a violation. but I got this off the divorcebusting site. It was an IQ test on marriage and this was the answer to number 5. Do people just fall out of love? True or False<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>- People just fall out of love - <P>(False) Some people believe that they need to divorce their spouses because they’ve fallen out of love. They didn’t mean for it to happen, it just happened. To them, love is a feeling that is either there or it’s not there. If it’s there, you get married. If it’s not there, you divorce. This is one of the silliest ideas I have ever heard. <P>First of all, people don’t just fall out of love. They don’t just go to sleep one night in love with their spouse and then wake up a few years later only to discover the feeling has left them. If love dwindles it’s because the marriage wasn’t a priority. Love is a living thing. If you nurture it, feed it, care for it, it grows. If you neglect it, starve it, ignore it, it becomes frail. <P>The number one cause for the breakdown in marriages in our country is that people don’t spend enough time together. They take their marriages and their spouses for granted. Everything- work, the kids, soccer games, community activities, extended family obligations, and so on- becomes more important than spending time together-. The marriage gets placed on the bottom of the priority list. When this happens, people grow apart. They become two strangers passing in the night. They’re no longer a team. And, because they’re distant, the little time they do spend together, they end up fighting. <P>This distance and alienation sometimes fools people into thinking they’ve fallen out of love. They feel numb. They can’t imagine ever re-igniting those loving feelings. But the truth is, the love hasn’t been destroyed, it’s just camouflaged beneath the numbness. And, by retracing the steps taken to weaken love’s bond, the feelings of warmth, connection, friendship and intimacy can be restored.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P><BR>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited December 18, 2000).]

bob, are you a brother in law?

TS - I'm sorry you feel that your ex's feel that way of you. I think possibly they did love you, in their own way. I didn't know your first H came back after so long. To answer your question, YES YES, I am scared!! When I met him, I wasn't looking. Matter of fact, I had just about had it with men all together!! I'm not kidding you when I am saying I was thinking maybe women might be the better option. We met and I can't explain it, but it just felt right from the very beginning. I wasn't sure what would come of it, and I was afraid to even think about it. Here was this person that I imagined in my dreams, who I didn't even think existed. Someone who would be respectful to me, care for me if I was sick, miss me, do little things for me , someone who wasn't afraid to love or to let love lead the way. When he was there, I was almost wondering if I was ready!! <P>I figured I couldn't turn back by then because my feelings were growing too. I also figured that nothing in life is forever, although I sure wish it was, and it could never be as bad as my first loss. I still get really scared because sometimes I feel losing him would be far worse because now I have been treated so so differently. This also makes me question WHY I felt I loved my ex. I know I loved him "in my own way" as a teen but growing up, we were just not meant to be together, or not even a good match. I almost think I loved my ex more like a brother or something, it wasn't a very romantic sort of thing.<P>I finally had to stand up to all that fear and make a decision. To stop comparing him to my ex, to give him a little trust and take a chance. I'm not sorry one bit, but I do suspect I'll be scared for a long time. I wish there were someone who is a year past all this that I am going thru now but I don't know anyone on the board in that situation.<P>I am thankful for the gift I have received by meeting someone who I once only dreamed about. Now I have to learn to be confident again, learn to trust, learn to open my heart again to the fact that to love someone also means there are going to be times when they will hurt you in some way and to also admit that this is really it for me and my ex. There is no turning back ever. It sure is a lot!<P>Hugs to all,Dana<P>PS What does being a brother in law have to do with anything Tom??<P><BR>

could Bob have married a sibling from my XW's family also?

DanaB,<BR>"I think possibly they did love you, in their own way."<P>True love is not "subjective". It either exists, or it does not. They did not love me. Oh, of course, they had feelings for me at one time, but they didn't love me.<P>"I know I loved him "in my own way" as a teen but growing up, we were just not meant to be together, or not even a good match. I almost think I loved my ex more like a brother or something, it wasn't a very romantic sort of thing."<P>You sound an awful lot like a WS. I really don't understand why you are so bummed about the X-mas cards your ex sent you. I hope you have the courage to admit someday that you didn't love your ex. It would be even more courageous to admit that in your youthful naivete and selfishness, you married someone you didn't "love" and had little will to sustain. That is completely forgiveable.<P>My second ex did alot of the things your new guy is doing. Bought me lots of stuff, took me places, wined and dined me. I thought that was "love" too because noone had ever done those things for me. In time, though, I found out that he had no care for my soul. Couldn't care less about my hopes and dreams, fears, or experiences. All the fluff is nice, but I encourage you to look a little deeper. <P>With all due respect, my question was not "are you afraid of a new relationship?". Of course, all of us are to different degrees. My question was...are you afraid of being in a relationship with someone who could "fall" so quickly? If he could "fall" for you so easily (and vice-versa), who is to say you or he couldn't very easily "fall" for someone else that quickly? <P>Personally, I'd like to believe that someone I form a relationship with (either eventually or never, who knows?) doesn't trip over their feet for the first woman who showed them a little attention. I've certainly learned not to trip over my feet for the first man bearing flowers or gushing over me. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited December 19, 2000).]

Hey Tom, you seem to have a better handle on your stbx's idiocincracies than I do on my x's.<P>Dana,<BR>You asked about Plan A & B with us.<BR>I probably didn't do a good job of Plan A because I let things x did with the kids get to me and always let her know about it which was a huge LB.<P>Plan B really didn't work because of the kids and also om was willing to take care of her financially.<P>Also I think she truly had her heart set on getting out of the marriage. The reason I saw that is that most of you had the spouse come and go a few times before the divorce. My reconciliations lasted a few hrs to maybe a week. She just did not want to be married to me any longer and the affair gave her an out. Then she realized she had no place to go and so is sticking it out with om/h.