First a quick synopsis of my history.<P>Got the speech on Aug 4th, started counselling, but she didn't participate. Plan A'd my a$$ off. She moved out on Sep 9th and on Oct 8th said it was over, didn't want to try and we negotiated a Sep. A. <P>Since October I've been pretty much in plan B with the exception of our son and settlement issues. I've started to sanitize the house, taking down pictures and clearing out stuff. As I do this, I'm constantly coming across her stuff. I have been letting her know about it so she can come and get things, but I'm wondering if that's in keeping with a good plan B? Should I just store her things until she asks for them? It's nothing she needs to survive, just nice things she might like to have (sunglasses, a remote control for the stereo she took). I guess I'm wondering if my being nice to her and helping her out (I changed a headlight on her car the other night) might be sabotaging my plan B, and not showing her my independence from her.<P>Any suggestions?<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited December 18, 2000).]

Nick - good morning! I have no clue what you should do. What does your heart say? If you want to let her pick up the stuff, put it in a box and put it on the front porch. Tell her it's there and she can pick it up or you can put it in the trash. That's my answer but it may not fit Harley's m.o. Since I found this site so long after my d, I have no thorough knowledge of plans a or b.

Hi Nick,<BR>My STBXH had his company move his stuff out. He whined and whined about how he was being cheated and I finally told him to get what he wanted but when that moving truck pulled away from the house that was it. He could not get anything else out of the house. I recently found some stuff he forgot and it is all going to Goodwill. <BR>I would give your ex a deadline of when she could get her stuff and after that dispose of whatever is left of hers the way you want.<P>Good luck, The Santa Anas are kicking up here something fierce - hate those winds<BR>Peace and Merry Christmas<BR>Pat

c00ker,<P>My advice: Do what you feel in your heart! You can not go wrong. I truly believe that. I have been down the Plan A route and currently in Plan B. The one thing I am very proud about is that from day one of this fiasco, I have done what I truly believed was right - no matter what anyone else told me. Whether it brings my wife back or not, I will know that I was true to my heart.<P>If you want to be nice and give her these things - then do it. You will feel better for it. Don't do something because of what might or might not happen. Trust that right now, the only thing that you have control over is your own heart and mind. It has taken me months (and still is a problem sometimes) to stop trying to manipulate things in order to get my wife to come back. It is a difficult battle, but I think (no, I know) that I have finally given my marriage up to God.<P>Whatever happens, I now know it will be for the best for me and my wife. God knows what I want, now it is just up to me to trust in what He wants.<P>God Bless.<BR>Be strong.<P>Mike

My suggestion,<P>no anger, ask her what she wants to do with them, but if there is a reasonable deadline, one month, maybe, and then they go to goodwill.<P>i prefer with kids, handling it with respect still, but being firm.<P>ya, I know, i blew it this weekend, but there were alot of frustrations that hit at once, and I was an unworthy MB (I LB once.)<P>tom<BR>

c00ker,<P>you can box them up for her..and when you go<BR>visit your son you can take them to her..let her know you were cleaning house and found she'd left them..and thought she may want them..if she doesn't then she can dispose of them as she chooses..and you'll know in your heart you did the right thing..<P>I know when my h moved out he'd left some clothes in the closet..and I tossed them..<BR>not to be mean...but just because they were in the closet..you see..he's not been here except one weekend a month for the past nine years..and hasn't worn them in that time..so why would he wear them now after that many years?? So I tossed them out with some of my own things that I haven't worn..he did ask me about them one day recently..and I told him<BR>I gave them to goodwill..said..you haven't worn them in over nine years..and I needed room in the closet..so I got rid of them when I was cleaning the closet and getting rid of my own things..he was like..oh, he got a little tiffy..but he should have taken them<BR>before..and had he actually worn them I wouldn't have thrown them out..

Nick,<P>I wish I could answer this for you, but honestly I went from Plan A to giving up. I never did a Plan B, something I'm thinking of doing NOW to feel emotionally free from this whole mess.<P>Let me know how it goes!! <P>Dana<BR>

Nick,<P>I'm not a great person from which to ask advice about this stuff, but here's my thought. I think you would lose some respect for yourself if you were to do anything with her stuff other than keep it for her. Throughout this whole ordeal I think one of the things that has always helped you "get through" is that you have conducted yourself in a way of which you can be proud. You've always been the bigger person, and I think that helps you feel good.<P>Sooooo... following that logic, in my opinion, you should maybe tell her some of the things you've discovered that you think she might be happy to see, or just generically tell her that you have found a bunch of stuff that you think she might be interested in having and you have set it aside for her. Here's the thin line that you must walk. You want to be somewhat civil and decent to HER while simultaneously doing what is good for YOU. I do not think it would be good for you to keep her stuff around forever, for you to constantly "trip over" every other weekend. Thus, I would also suggest that you set up some sort of limit or boundary such as, "I would like you to take some time and look through the things that I have set aside that you might want, and anything that is left after January 15th I will donate to charity." Thus, you know that eventually she will either take her possessions out of your life, or you will generously give them to someone who CAN use them. <P>I do not think it is a good idea to "wait until she asks for stuff", because to be honest, she may not remember what all is over there. For example, let's use that stereo remote as an example. She may not remember that there was a remote for that stereo -or- she may think that it has been lost; thus she would not know to ask for it. Give her the chance to look the stuff over and take what she wants, and then let it go.<P>BTW, I do not think that being kind to another person is sabotaging a Plan B. The goal of a Plan B is for YOU to realize you are independent of her--and then maybe she will see that you are. Plan A is about becoming the best person you can be, and Plan B is about becoming independent--I think you can be kind and independent at the same time!<P>{{{{{{{{{{Nick}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>I've started to sanitize the house, taking down pictures and clearing out stuff. As I do this, I'm constantly coming across her stuff. I have been letting her know about it so she can come and get things, but I'm wondering if that's in keeping with a good plan B? Should I just store her things until she asks for them? It's nothing she needs to survive, just nice things she might like to have (sunglasses, a remote control for the stereo she took). I guess I'm wondering if my being nice to her and helping her out (I changed a headlight on her car the other night) might be sabotaging my plan B, and not showing her my independence from her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm probably not a good role model for this. I've collected my ex-wife's stuff in a couple of boxes, provided her with manifests listing the salient items, and allowed her to come over and pick through them on a couple of occasions (inspecting my apartment in detail each time) ... so she has taken what she wants, when she wants; leaving me with what she doesn't want at the moment (but I dare not throw anything away, because that will be exactly what she wants later).<P>Of course, I have one thing of hers she doesn't know about ... my blackmail material/secret weapon (I didn't steal it--we both forgot about it until I discovered it later). I was actually going to send it to her as sort of a Christmas present, and guess what? She blew me off about giving me her address even though I know the building. Heck, I've even dropped the dog off there after she had me babysit it (late for the airport, she called for me to come downstairs, screeched to a halt and pushed him into my arms without food, collar or leash, but that's another story), but will she tell me which apartment [mind you there's no stalking threat from me, and not just because the hi-rise has 24/7 security]? No, just send everything to her work address. Like maybe this disk, c/o her [STBX, if he looks at what's on it] boss!<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited December 19, 2000).]