For my background - check out my post at How Could I be so Stupid???<P>In the meantime, I've drafted my plan B letter while sunk in a deep depressive funk once again. I need some perspective and perhaps editing...anyone?<P>Lisa<P>Dear Tom, <P>It is with complete and utter sadness that I write this letter to you. I grieve deeply that our marriage has come to this - and that there was so much more to our separation than I understood. The road I must follow now is one of self-preservation, both to help me heal my hurt and to allow me to retain what love for you I have left. <P>I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those mistakes or take them back. The way I argued with you in the past was not pleasant and it made you feel unappreciated and unloved. That is something that I can apologize for, but I cannot undo. I was not the wife you needed. I am so very sorry for that.<P>I can’t sit here and say that I now know all that I need to know about relationships but I can, however, honestly say that I have learned a lot about affection, admiration, and honesty (both with myself and you). I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving woman. The type of woman that I hope you would be proud of too. In the way that I have always been proud of you - even when I didn't express it.<P>I am truly sorry for helping to create and sustain a marriage environment that has made your relationship with Ms. Brink possible and allowed it to continue for so long. I, too, had a responsibility to meet your most important needs; and I did little to help build our love for each other in recent years. The importance of affection and admiration of you/for you, I lost sight of. Now I know I am more than able to not just meet all those needs, but to be lovingly enthusiastic in the doing. That is what I was trying to show you over the last month and would have continued doing had I not learned of the depth/longevity of your relationship with Ms. Brink.<BR>The past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to agree to spend my life with you and thought of us being together, someday happy again. <BR>Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings are eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.<BR>Tom, what I'm talking about is that…until you completely sever all ties with Ms. Brink, I can no longer see you or in any way communicate with you. The continued pain has become unhealthy. I do not make this decision lightly. It is not meant to punish you. It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain my remaining love for you away. <BR>This is not a gimmick. It is an honest effort to retain a love that you do not see right now. In time, I hope you will see that love; but I am not naïve, and I realize you may never accept that gift of love again. I tried to wait patiently by while I thought you were experimenting with the dating world as a single person - hoping the entire time, that you would find it less appealing than keeping our family intact. But your dating was not experimental, it was purposeful and longterm - and that fact is eating at the very core of love I have for you. <P>Tom, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with Ms. Brink. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage together...when you completely end your relationship with her. As soon as you can fully, permanently, and unconditionally separate from Ms. Brink and are willing to commit to measures to verify that separation, I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a full recovery of our marriage. <BR>Until then, I will not be able to talk to you on the phone, will not answer calls from your number on my cell phone unless it is the children calling me while they are with you, will not sit near nor talk to you at our children's events.<BR>In the best interest of those involved, I will expect you to follow through with financial obligations - including help with the house payment and your half of the costs incurred with finishing the remodeling, and I will expect to have child support payments delivered to me via a bank withdrawal starting with the January 1st payment as is listed in our parenting plan. <BR>I do not wish for your relationship with the children to become distant, tension-filled or strained. I will not keep the children from calling you any time they choose/nor would I ever prevent you from calling them. I will have them at your doorstep on time and expect them home on time as well, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. If you need another copy of the visitation calendar, I will email that to you. Kaitlin and Zack are aware of your and Ms. Brink's relationship and how long it has been going on. They want to spend time with you and I encouraged them to do so, but they do not want to ever be around her. I encourage and support their relationship and love for you. However, they experience the same pain as I do at the thought of you putting Ms. Brink in my place in your life. I expect you to honor their wishes of no contact with her.<BR>Until you have ended your relationship with Ms. Brink, all contact with me regarding our children's health, schedules, visitation, etc. should be done by mail or email. In case of emergencies or urgent matters, yours or the kids', I will always be available and more than willing to help. <BR>I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know the torture, pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Ms. Brink. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and she are together. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid poisoning all that we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for reconciliation. I want to grow old with you. When I said “I DO,” I made a promise in front of God, you, our family and friends for life. I meant it then and I hold committed to it, even now. I want to be your wife, your friend, and your lover.<BR> <BR>As soon as you are willing to separate completely from your “friendship” with Ms. Brink, I will be willing to talk about a way to bring "us" back together. <BR>I love you still,<P>Lisa<P><P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

Too long. He won't read it. Even if he does, he won't get it. Try this (I've covered the most important stuff):<P>"Until you're done with her, I'm done with you. If you need to communicate regarding our children or finances; e-mail, fax or mail will suffice. Anything else I will consider harassment to be processed accordingly by the legal system."<P>Let him generate his own emotional content based on wild guesses about what you're feeling.

Hi Lisa,<P>I think it's a very nice plan B letter, and I can't think of anything else to change.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

I think it is perfect.

Very impressive. The amount of love that went into writing that is something to be proud of - you seem like a very strong person - it is in your words (even though you may not feel like it right now).<P>Send it and follow through with all you say.<BR>Keep your faith in God and in your marriage.<BR>Pray for your marriage each day - know that God will provide for you and for your children.<P>God bless you and keep you safe.<P>Mike

I seem to be in the minority. And it is a very expressive letter. But Plan B doesn't mean you stop loving the WS ... it does mean you stop *showing* it. <P>If you have transitioned to Plan B in your heart, this last gasp of Plan A only delays the inevitable and makes you appear wavering and indecisive to the WS (I'm not going to talk to you anymore, but I'm so in love with you). Don't mix the messages.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited December 18, 2000).]

My understanding of Plan B is when the WS will not leave the OW and I cannot take the pain of being around my H while he continues to be with OW - plan B should go into effect. We were already separated. <P>Because I have found out he has continued to lie to me even during our separation about the context of his relationship with her and for how long it's been going on - to continue supporting some of his ENs while she supports others feels like enabling. Plan B for me means he either gets all of me, or none of me...not that I don't love him though.<P>The truth is I do love him still, but I cannot mentally,emotionally handle being hurt by him any longer. Plan B has become about my wellbeing as well.<P>Lisa

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> But Plan B doesn't mean you stop loving the WS ... it does mean you stop *showing* it. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My spouse did not cheat on me (as far as I know) so my version of Plan B may be slightly different - I think. I don't think you stop "showing" you love your spouse, rather I think you stop going out of your way for them. You stop putting them as the focus of your life. A little bit of the cold shoulder. But I don't think that means you stop showing any love for your spouse - only that the focus shifts from them to you and your well-being.<P>Sisyphus,<P>You seem like a very intelligent person and I very much respect your opinions. Don't ever fear being in the minority - post away! One observation I have gotten from many of your posts though is that I sense a lot of anger in your words. Careful with the anger - it not only harms others, it harms you as well. Anger has a way of attaching itself to people in our situations and while it engulfs me every now and then, I always do my best and pray for it to leave just as fast as it came. Why should I go around being mad and hateful all day when it does not effect my wife in the least? At least that is what I tell myself!<P>Take care and God Bless.<BR>Mike

Lisa,<P>I think the letter is perfect. I can only imagine the tears that were shed while you were writing it.<P>In my eyes, Plan B doesn't mean you stop "showing" that you love them, it means that you make your love not accessible to them. The letter is meant to explain your position and how strongly you feel about what you are requesting!!!<P>Great job Lisa!!<P>I will be thinking of you<P>Jen

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoTired2000:<BR><B>One observation I have gotten from many of your posts though is that I sense a lot of anger in your words. Careful with the anger - it not only harms others, it harms you as well. Anger has a way of attaching itself to people in our situations and while it engulfs me every now and then, I always do my best and pray for it to leave just as fast as it came. Why should I go around being mad and hateful all day when it does not effect my wife in the least? At least that is what I tell myself! Mike</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, my EX's anger, which she expressed in a petty way, could have a profound effect on my EX's career. In a spirit of Christmas charity and letting go, I was going to send her a CD-ROM she burned that could end it, which she forgot about and carelessly left with me when we split. I asked her for her address (she knows mine, and I know what building she lives in [it's secure, so she need have no fear of stalking], and I have even dropped off the ex-dog there after keeping him over a weekend for her). She just e-mailed back that I should just send things for her to her office. Gosh, I guess I just might, c/o her boss. <P>