I am deep in thought, as I read the many messages. i guess, being in the situation, o<BR>of being a betrayed spouse, ( as most of the <BR>folks here are ) I begin, to read, and read,<BR>and start to wonder ....<P>Does this stuff REALLY work ?<BR>Or is plan A and B, wishful thinking ?<BR>Even IF the spouse returns, is there TRUE<BR>happyness to be found ?<P>Can there still be that "Once in a Lifetime Love", between those two ?<BR>Or are we left with a middle of the road compramise, for the sake " of saving the marriage ?<P>Here i am, past plan A. It almost worked.<BR>But do to lackings of wisdom on my part, it failed, and she is back with her boy friend.<P>I acan look back, and see what I did wrong, and How I felt to have her back, and even note the many mistakes i made. BUT still, she choose, NOT the marriage, NOT to find solutions WITHIN the family. <P>This is not the person, that would look for as a lifetime partner. I expect more. I expect more.<P>So, Here I am thinking ....<BR>Do I enter back into plan A again ?<BR>And then what ? <BR>IF she comes back, can we REALLY make it work ?<BR>IF not, then whats the use ?<P>Maybe it is time, to simply wake up, and smell the coffee.<P>I feel, like my opinion is changing on a daily basis ...

miffed,<P>It is hard to give advise on this one. The first thing that comes to mind is do you want this marriage to work? The reason doesn't matter...love or for the kids or biblical... all that matters is where your heart is on this. I know of a lot of marriages that are restored and the marriages are better than you can image. The plan you use depends on were your heart is. It doesn't matter where your wife's heart is you must work on yourself and the rest will come. I thought for years that it was a blame game or trying to figure out how to change my husband. When people said just work on yourself. I though this meant I was all to blame. I just learned in the past four months what this statement meant. When you work on yourself and show your love and RESPECT for your wife things change. I know, I have seen great changes in my husband lately and they came from me changing first. This doesn't make you are a doormat it makes you a loving respectful husband. You cannot change your wife's heart or ways. I promise, you change and she will change. Don't say anything to her. We are to win our spouse's hearts without a word.<BR>gentle<p>[This message has been edited by gentle (edited December 18, 2000).]

miffed,<P>There are days that I think Plan A/Plan B are a crock of sh**. But if you look at it logically, it CAN work. THat doesn't mean that it always will. <P>But it does more than save a marriage. It also helps to build your self-esteem and prepare you just incase you end up divorcing. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Miffed,<BR>You probably came to the wrong place to get a positive answer. Most people here are divorced or soon to be. You may want to ask that question on th recovery board and I think you would get positive answer.<P>For me they didn't work. I probably didn't do a good plan A, and plan B was almost impossible because of the kids. It was on my lack of trying. my x was just dead set on getting out of the marriage.

OK...<BR>...I'll be really honest with you....<BR>...shhhhhshhhh...<P><B>IT REALLY WORKS</B>!!!!!<P>...depending on what your goal is.<P>If you think it is <B><I>just</I></B> to save your marriage...<BR>...there isn't a web site on the planet that will guarantee <I>that</I>!<P>I am about 24 hours away from my divorce becoming final (probably...)<P>...and I am one who firmly believes that both Plan A and Plan B work... for what is most important...<BR>...rebuilding <B>you</B> before any attempt is made at rebuilding your marriage!<P>Learning good marital skills (and they are not just marital skills... but skills you can apply to almost all relationships)...<BR>...during a Plan A... and even during Plan B... is a life lesson worth undertaking... no matter what!<P>I look at my experience here as an honest success!<P>Some may say I'm kidding myself...<BR>...I am not!<P> <P>Jim

I continue to read, about taking my time, <BR>and not reacting. This is good advice.<P>I did plan a, the first time for obout 8 months. She returned, and we both fell flat on our faces. She restarted her affair, and left.<P>Now, I am tempted to go into plan B, or simply get a divorce. But I hear, that perhaps, I should move back into plan a.<P>I think this makes sence, except, that I really do not want much to do with her right now. That being the case, I would just be going thru the motions.<P>Perhaps, I can find a middle of the road.<BR>Does anyone think that is poss ? I want to distance myself, and work on me. I am not sure, that cutting her off completly, will do anyone any good.<P>As for wanting to save the marriage. I feel a sence of obligation. However, I have lost the "feeling desire" to do so. I have lost all respect for her, and just about any sence of love...<P>Any input, is appeciated ...