Hi all,<P>I have a question for everyone out there - Has anyone's spouse said to them that maybe they were only meant to be "best friends"?<P>My wife said this to me right before she moved out. For some reason she does not think that being married is based upon not only love but friendship. I totally admit my wife was my best friend - but she was a lot more than that (I would never think of being intimate with just a good friend <P>Am I wrong in thinking that a marriage is based upon friendship? Isn't that a much needed ingredient in a marriage relationship? Last week we spoke on the phone for the first time in months. While the discussion was about the split of personal items, we joked and laughed together for about an hour. Even though all the feelings were right below the surface, it was shown to me that we do in fact get along so well together (absent all the love busters). When we hung up I was both sad and happy at the same time. For the first time since she left I felt like I was able to talk, truly talk with my best friend again.<P>I miss just talking with her. But for some reason, she has so much trouble relating friendship as a needed ingredient in marriage. I fear as we get along so well, it just helps solidify her belief that maybe we were only supposed to be friends.<P>Mike

Mine said she thought we would always be "friends", but I don't feel too friendly toward her right now.<P>I will always try to be nice with her, but I suspect we will never be friends again. She has killed too much of me for that to ever happen. I will do what it takes to maintain a cordial relationship with her for my sons sake, but the feelings I had for her are dying.<P>I miss talking to her too, but any contact with her has to high an emotional price for me right now.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

I heard those words to. Be friends with someone who treats me the way he does? Get a grip!<P>Last week, at program at son's school, x was standing with his parents. I walked up and spoke. He was facing one direction and his parents the other. I walked up so that I was facing his parents and gave a general, "Hi! How are you?" to the group. The $$^*%*^%^% never did speak to me or look in my general direction. And he's supposed to be well enough to be in another marriage.<P>PUH-LEEZE!!!!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoTired2000:<BR><B>Has anyone's spouse said to them that maybe they were only meant to be "best friends"?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Heard it. It's them trying to work out why they don't want you anymore when you haven't done anything "wrong" to justify their departure.<P>If that fails (and it's a weak, early effort to justify departure, usually) ... another thing they will do later is magnify something relatively small (or that is in the past, and that the two of you supposedly "got over") as a "reason" they can't be with you, then move to another something if you expose the flawed logic in the first one. If you run them out of reasons, they'll say that they'll "go crazy or kill <them>self" if they stay in the marriage. <P>Once they trot out that one they have you in a Catch 22: what kind of husband would accept a wife going crazy or killing herself if he could prevent it, even at the cost of leaving the picture himself?<P>I don't know precisely where to go when that "best friends" thing first comes out ... I do know that if you are cold and mean after hearing it, they can't stand it and you'll get some clinging back from them. Since I would melt at that point and it ultimately didn't work out, I would suggest the alternative strategy of hardening, and departing. <P>Regardless of whether that works, the quicker you get your self-respect back, the quicker you may get hers, or another good woman's.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> Heard it. It's them trying to work out why they don't want you anymore when you haven't done anything "wrong" to justify their departure.<P>If that fails (and it's a weak, early effort to justify departure, usually) ... another thing they will do later is magnify something relatively small (or that is in the past, and that the two of you supposedly "got over") as a "reason" they can't be with you, ... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yep, got that too. <P>Once I finally accepted that there was nothing further I could do <B>by myself</B> to save the relationship, I let go. We worked out the Sep. A. had it reviewed by our attorneys, signed & notarized it & that's it. I'm done. I'm going forward with my life, and just waiting for her to file next year. I will make her file, as I believe since she's the one who wants out, she's the one who's got to do the work. It will be her ending this marriage, not me.<P>Friends? I think not.<BR><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>I will make her file, as I believe since she's the one who wants out, she's the one who's got to do the work. It will be her ending this marriage, not me.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're free to order your own affairs, but that was precisely my thinking (and it gave me neither the result I desired nor any peace of mind), and I'd like to know what happens if the man in this situation files first and pursues divorce steadfastly. In other words, is there a Newtonian (equal and opposite) reaction to that action (all my experience says that there is, the real question is where is it safe for you to stop and reverse course back in her direction without her pulling away again)? <P>Not that I want to experiment with your life, or that it would necessarily be the best course for you. But given that you probably can't wind up in a worse place; you might consider it as a course of action, especially since this particular mind-set seems to appear where women believe the men are too weak.<P>I actually had the complaint for dissolution prepared, signed, notarized, and in my hot little hand; and in retrospect I could kick myself for clinging to the idea that she might change her mind and thus failing to act. In so doing, I simply confirmed the image she had of me as willing to accept anything she (or life) dished out for me. If I had known that letting her file would simply confirm to her that she was correct in all the thinking that caused her to want a divorce in the first place, I would have been the one to file first. <P>I think I had poor advice in that, because I had brought it up on a couple of occasions with a therapist, and he said not to focus on who files first. I believe this was a CYA position to take rather than one principled in the patient's best interest. If the therapist advises to file and you do file and you're ultimately divorced and not happy, the therapist is the goat. If the therapist doesn't tell you to do it, the therapist didn't cause anything to happen. Therapists hate to counsel any but the safest course of action because actions have recognizable consequences more frequently than inaction. Of course, inaction was what got us in this situation in the first place: somehow we failed to communicate our value to our wives. Less likely, we failed to have value--usually in that regard there will be specific major and easily identified problems like alcoholism, abuse, etc.<P>Advice to let them file is cowardly advice, and lots of other people will give it, especially since the idea of filing for divorce against another person is at least precipitous and can (and often is) be viewed as a malicious act. I don't think it's malicious for you to do it now (and she will reach that conclusion for her own filing in time too, which will allow her to file even if you don't). Remember, it's going to happen anyway, so why not begin to erode her wrongful "wimp" image of you right at that large, crucial decision point: the divorce filing?<P>Others are free to criticize this idea. It's certainly un-Harleyish. He might suggest that there is some chamber in your soul that she is still locked out of. Believe me, I opened all those rooms at a Gottman seminar. And for a moment perhaps, she cared; but ultimately not enough to even join with me in finding a local counselor upon our return from Seattle. I think the more you do now to express your anger and stand up for yourself in an appropriate way, the shorter will be your period of grief, and the quicker you will be able to think clearly again. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited December 19, 2000).]

ST200,<P>My wife made the same comment that we were just best friends living together and probably weren't meant to be anything but that. I also don't understand the comment, as I would never marry someone who wasn't also my best friend.<P>I didn't understand it then, and I don't understand it now. <P>Here I am, 1 month after my divorce became final and I miss my wife more right now than I have in a very long while. It really hit me about a week ago that despite everything else, I lost my best friend and I'm really hurting because of it. At times I just feel so lost without her. She was my life for the last 7 years of my life and now she's just gone.<P>It just sucks

My W made a similar comment, saying we're much better friends than spouses. I agree that it's an excuse which doesn't make a lot of sense. What got me confused in my case was that she behaved as unfriendly as you could imagine after saying this. Then at one stage she said that she said that she was trying to make me used to not being married to her anymore by being unfriendly.<P>I think this kind of situation makes the wayward spouse go basically insane. Don't put too much weight in the comment. It's just another symptom.

I'm sorry your sad..I know you are hurting. <P>

How do you go about handling losing your best friend and your husband at the same time? I have been trying to figure out that for the last two months. I agree that guilt plays a major part in whoever leaves saying those words. <BR>Strange things are going on now though with me. First no contact, then some contact. I feel like I am getting my "friend" back, but I am not sure what it all means. I love my H and miss my H too much to see him right now and be "friends", but on the other hand I can't stand not being friends. Does time heal this? Is it ever possible. We have no kids and have not been married that long, but like I told him the other night. "I have never hurt like this in my life, and the one person that I need/want to help me through it is the one person that I cannot ask for help from." This was during a good conversation and not meant to be a LB >> I hope that it wasn't. I still hold out hope for a reconciliation, but cannot imagine going on being friends without it, just because it would cost me too much emotionally. <P>arm6868@yahoo.com