It has been nearly 2 years since d-day.<BR>Very messy and nasty situation, which has been awful. Kids are more settled, but STBX refuses to communicate with me on any level about kids. Will not take my calls. Has not called me since July 1999 when I started divorce procedings to protect myself and children . <P> WS living very close by with bimbo in an big house he bought.<P>I am still angry at his continued manipulation per the kids and extended community to not only accept the situation (which is a fait accompli) but to embrace his affair partner (they have been together since Oct 1997), his choice and the manner in which he has betrayed his children and myself. I only communicate this to very close friends. <P>I am portrayed by him as the witch, who cannot communicate with him as I am the unreasonable one (I have iniated quite a few emergency calls re major kids issues which he refuses to take!!!). <P>I am portrayed as the parent who is so awful that the kids have had to walk out on me and my decisions. (....2 younger ones did this and found that living with him was not in their best interests so have CHOSEN to live with me) <BR> <BR>I am still attacked by him that I am a terrible parent who conflicts with everyone. I do not let the kids make the rules.....but am in no way rigid....not perfect, but doing the best I can.<P>For someone who professes to all the world how happy he is, he is delaying the inevitable divorce and dealing with nothing....amongst other things trying not to be responsible in any way financially, but justifying this insanity to the world!<P>If he is so happy, why does he not want to settle financially where he has to face reality and not his fantasy of the situation?<P>If he is so happy, why has he tried to divide and rule the children according to their behaviour towards him?<P>If he is so happy why does he continue to need the approval of all and sundry?<P>Why would he expect ME to embrace his choices and "just be friends?"<P>Why will he not communicate with me as the mother of his 4 children of this marriage?<P>For a man who promised his children that he would be "fixed" as he did not want any more children, why has he not done this?<P>Why does he allow the kids to bash me when they are angry with my parenting...and allow his bimbo to give her understanding of all that goes on in my home? (I have not spoken to her, seen her or in any way shape or form communicated with her...)<P>Why does he really portray hinself as the victim and me as the wicked witch of the west? <P>After nearly 2 years apart and 3 years for him with ow, why would he not want to get on with his new life? and why does he still try (even though he is not able to) to control me.(He believed that I controlled him, which never made sense.....as he/we always lived as he dictated and he ALWAYS got exactly what he wanted....(which I went along with ...not always quietly, until bimbo entered the picture and I said NO)<P>So as an adulterer, why is his need to be the victim so great? The victims of this whole mess really are the children who had NO SAY in anypart of this. I at least had a choice...of having a H who had young mistresses and travelling all the time and eating out every night (which is what he decided he now needed) or stating that I could no longer remain married to such a man, which is what I did do.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by willbok99 (edited December 20, 2000).]

Willbok,<P>Actually he really is still controlling you..<BR>by your not going on with your own life..<BR>and being worried about what he and the OW <BR>are doing..<P>work on you and your relationship with your<BR>kids..and don't worry about what he or she says or are doing..<P>and if your kids are downing you..then you need to put a stop to it..let them know you <BR>won't tolerate their being disrepective to you..they may not like all of your choices or<BR>decisions..but oh well..<P>As far as the divorce..can you get it non-contested? <P>who cares if he thinks you are the wicked witch of the west?? you need to do whats best for you and your kids..and if that makes you a witch..so be it..learn to not let it bother<BR>you..<P>But really I just wanted to say..work on you..and change what you can about yourself<BR>and don't worry about him and her..and what they are doing or not doing..because you can't change them..only you..

ThornedRose gave you excellent advice. She is 100% right about him controlling you. My ex made my life a living hell for the first 2 years of our divorce. You know why? Because he was still totally in control of my moods. If he called screaming at me I was a ***** the entire night. If he chose to not pick his kids up for his weekend after promising them he would I was the one up all night in pain for them. Finally I decided that enough was enough and I ignored him. If he wanted to know about the kids in regards to their school activities or their health then HE could call and ask. It was no longer my responsibility to call him and tell him just to take his verbal abuse. When I stopped letting him control me my life turned a 180. I have no clue about his life or his life with his girlfriend. I don't know where either of them work, I know nothing about them and honestly....I don't care. You live your life and worry about you and your kids only. Believe me, as time goes on it gets better and easier. Good luck.

Wilbok,<P>Sounds like your ex is controlling you YET, I completely understand how you feel. I agree, he has not dealt with any of this. <P>Do you think the OW is NOT allowing him to talk to you, therefore, he is also being controlled. Maybe dealing with you makes him feel guilty and he can't handle that. It does seem odd, that he can't have a relationship with you on a parental level.<P>Do you think he and OW will get married? Are you seeing anyone ?? <P>Dana<BR>

Thorned Rose,BonnieSept and Dana B,<BR>Thanks for replying to my pity party!!!I HATE this when I buy into all this stuff still. I guess it is because STBX is still lying and disappointing the kids who are old enough to stop buying into his fantasy, but do not and that gets me going somewhat. I have reworked my relationship with ALL my kids and they have accepted (today at least...who knows about tomorrow) the boundaries, brutal honesty and consistency that exist in my home.<P>I also think that stbx knows that this is the only way to still get at me....through the kids as I am a mother hen, since he will not communicate at all with me. I have stopped buying into what either he or my children feel about me. I know who I am and so do they and I like (mostly) who I am, even if I am a "difficult" parent. At least they know that I am their parent!<P>Bonnie Rose:<BR>Not contested...oh my....he has contested evrything and every last penny has had to be accounted for (more fantasy and lies on his part..) my lawyer has had to work out everything with experts and I want to move forward...he has stalled and delyed on everything for financial reasons only though...he wants everything and to H@LL with me!)<P>He is still attacking me legally that I am a difficult parent and conflict with my kids...and I have had to depersonalize this which I have as it is his fantasy it is a competition as to who is the NICER parent so that the kids have to choose as to who is nicer and that is the one who they will live with (NOT) THis is where he has made it crazy for the kids...especially when his behaviour has rewarded financially those who buy into his fantasy and he has little to do with those who do not!!! Some parenting style! This is what I have to let go of, my anger at his continuing behaviour in this regard but it is so hard.<P>DanaB:<BR>He will marry OW if he ever realizes that he has to be divorced...but SHE will make sure it happens (the more fool him. ) and this man who no longer wanted parental responsibilities will probably have more kids...both he and OW are very poor parental units, and I hope for the sake of the child that this does not happen. <P>I do think OW has had a hand in his lack of communicating with me.....in April I went to his office to discuss a major issue about a child...non-confrontational etc. (He did abdicate all parental responsibility at this), but d told me that OW was furious that I had come to see him!!!! So I am sure that she is controlling of this and has subtly convinced him that it is for his sanity or whatever that he does not communicate with me. Of course his lawyer then attacks me for making unilateral decisions about the kids. (he has not taken any active parenting role since this mess started..no contact with schools, tutors or therapists ar anyone else...which actually has made life easier for me as I have made all decisions educationally or whatever without conflict about this.<P>No, I am not seeing anyone. I think somedays I am rady to and somedays I am overwhelmed with everything else...and do not have the energy needed to "play this game".<P>It might be a cop out, but at this point I have put much of my emotional energy towards getting my kids and myself through this mess and I have lived in a couples world for 24 years.<P>I do have a life and wonderful friends..when I go out I usually go out with single women (divorced or widows) to movies or plays and I see my couple friends in family situations which I create which has worked well. I also do courses so am not stagnating and am meeting new people...<P>