My STBXH sent me a Christmas card - actually it was just a card with a nice photo of mountains and snow. In it he wrote a note basically saying that if only he could undo and the hurt and pain he has caused me. He said that he will carry this around with him always. He went on to say that he cares about me and always will. <BR>Why did he do this? He is the one who left and is getting married to his OW as soon as the ink is dry on our divorce. <BR>I think he is waiting for me to say "It's ok what you did - I understand and forgive you". Well that is not going to happen. I am working on forgiving him so that I can move on but I don't plan on telling him this. I just want him out of my life. He will always be a part of my daughter's life but not mine.<BR>What do you think? Did he write this out of guilt? I think that he is finally starting to come out of the fog that he has been in for almost a year and the reality of the situation that he has created is a pretty picture.<BR>Thanks for you time and Happy Holiday<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>"It's ok what you did - I understand and forgive you". <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think even he expects the former, but you should reach deep to be able to say the latter to him. If it's only held inside, there's no real benefit to either of you. <P>There may or may not be real guilt there. But assume there is. It seems a first step toward healing (not restoring the relationship, mind you), something you both need. <P>I urge you to see his action in the best possible light, and resolve to feel only kindness in your heart for him. That doesn't mean you have to do anything nice for him right away. But let go of as much of the rancor and bitterness as you can today. And a little bit more tomorrow, and the day after that, until it's all gone.

Hi - thanks for your response. I am trying to let go. Have actually told him that I wish the best for he and his new wife and hope that I can have the happiness for myself that they are having now. <BR>I am not planning on responding to his card. I need closure and have to have as little contact with him as possible for the time being. We are still negotiating our divorce so I think that is best for now.<BR>I realistically do not see him ever being my friend in the future. But I do hope to get to a place where I can not be overly affected by what occurs in his life.<BR>I want to get on with my life, get to a place where I am happy with where I am, who I am. I centered my life around this man for 13 years and now I want to have a good life for myself - one that does not have him having a major part in.<BR>Does this make sense - does it sound healthy?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Barrington:<BR><B>Does this make sense - does it sound healthy?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Of course. The tough part is successfully putting it into practice. Eastern thought would say remain detached; Western thought says you're deprived unless you take the risk and form attachments. The middle ground may be less tenable than either extreme. Or not. It's a landscape we all have to navigate by whatever system we come to trust.<BR>

You're doing ok with it. I think it's fine to not respond. I also think it's ok not to forgive immediately after someone apologizes. I have forgiven my x for some things and not for others. I haven't really heard any apologies from him, however. I do remain, nonetheless, open to forgiving him for more as I grow. I do not think forgetting the wrongs we have suffered is always wise. Experience is a dear teacher. Too bad we don't learn more from other people's experiences. But that is one of the reasons these boards exist.<P>(((((Barrington)))))

{{{{{{{{{{Barrington}}}}}}}}}}<P>I think you are absolutely making sense and healthy. For you, in order to heal, you need to make as clean of a cut as possible--he wants to "be friends."<P>Okay, I'm sorry but I'm going to blow a little. What the heck are these people thinking? That they can totally wreck our worlds, break our hearts, act unbearably, be selfish and cruel--but we will remain friendly toward them for old time sake or something? It just is not logical or rational! (vent...vent...vent)<P>I'm back on earth now, but I'll just say that the way you are behaving is right on track. What Sisyphyus wrote about letting go as much of the bitterness and rancor is so true--if you hold onto it, the hate in your heart will consume you too. I'd also say,"here-here" to looking at this card in the best possible light vs. looking for alterior motives. HOWEVER, I think you are correct to limit your contact and not respond to his card, because it is what YOU need to heal.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I meant to say in my original post that my STBXH's world is not a pretty picture now - he has a very demanding job, a wedding to plan around when we will be divorced (has had to be postponed once already), his daughter, getting married so that his OW/Fiancee will move in with him, the painful financial reality of this divorce (legal fees, spousal/child support), having a new house built and rising insurance costs at his work. <BR>For some reason, my STBXH was always threatened/jealous/intimidated by me. Don't know why - suspect it was because basically I was happy with myself. He viewed me as "Mom" and desperately wants me to validate his actions on how he ended the marriage. I have forgiven him for hurting me and know that he can no longer hurt me. I just can't see ever telling him that what he did to me "was ok". I think there is a difference between forgiveness and approval. He wants approval from me - validation/approval that it was ok to lie to me/deceive me/betray me for all those months. I just cannot see doing this. I forgive him but will not give him my approval. <BR>Hope this explains things better

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR><B>What Sisyphyus wrote about letting go as much of the bitterness and rancor is so true--if you hold onto it, the hate in your heart will consume you too.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just wanted to point out this: I may be right, but this is so much harder than it sounds. I can be pleasant to my XW, and in fact if she wanted anything from me, it wouldn't take much persuading from her to get me to give it. In fact, it is a burden to *keep* from calling or writing her ... one that I'm able to maintain only by struggling daily to convince myself of its ultimate futility.<P>But if you look at "Revenge Experiences Anyone" and some of my other posts, you'll see that in the last three weeks or so, since going off Wellbutrin (which wasn't mentioned, or was mentioned only in passing), I have been unable to rid myself of the urge to do some devious destruction to the two aspects of her life she appears to value most: career and family. <P>If I lose this battle, I set off a chain of events whose results are unforeseeable ... it could be what I expect. It could be a fizzle. It could be an H-bomb. There are even scenarious where she *benefits*, as do others. <P>The point is, even with distractions galore and an honest effort to give it up and put it behind you, sometimes it's still real, real hard to do.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited December 22, 2000).]