I haven't heard any updates from those of you who have also had husbands tell you that they no longer loved you.<p>I am in so much pain sometimes, and i keep looking on here to see how you three are doing. My H has been out of the house for 2 weeks now. He has really detatched himself, and it seems like there's no hope for fixing things. I need to know how you guys are doing. Does it ever change, or get better??<p>Janet, i know that your situation took a hard hit over Xmas, and i'm wondering if you're ok? Shery and las, i haven't seen any posts from either of you. I need to know that i'm not alone, so please respond if you're out there!

I'm not one of the people you addressed this too, but you are definitely not alone. I'm there as well. I first heard "I don't love you/haven't for a long time" in June. We'd just had our 15 anniv. & have 2 great kids 13 & 10. We suffered through the summer. He moved out in August but began counseling on his own for depression. I stayed committed to our marriage and he agreed to marriage counseling in Oct, moved back in Nov. We had a month of us both trying then his depression returned, along with his inability to cope with our marriage. He moved back out last Wed. Dec 30 ( 2 days after I discovered Marriage BuiIders) I went to our marriage counselor alone today, but my H volunteered to meet me for lunch at home.<p>The depression definitely is a wild card, an issue all by itself, but there is hope.

Hi, I was also one of the many people that heard that "I don't love you anymore" thing. My husband started an affair that I discovered right on the first week it started, but before that I had never had a clue that there were serious problems in our relationship, he was caring and loving and other than financial problems, we seemed to have no troubles. When the affair started it was easy to find right away that something was different, and when I talked to him ( and at that point I wasnt even thinking about an affair or relationship problems, I just tought that our money problems had got to him finally ), right out of the blue came the whole thing. He didn't love me anymore, I didn't attract him anymore, he wanted out of the marriage,he didn't want to even try to work it out, he didn't even wanted to consider anything that had to do with reconstructing our marriage. All those things were extremelly painfull for me, specially because there had been nothing to lead me to expect it. Yes we had been emotionally apart I admit, because we worked 7 days a week in different schedules, and whenever we were togeher we tried to spend time with the kids, and our energy was so low we hardly felt like doing the things we used to do before.Yes I had been depressed ( I think ) after the death of both my parents in a period of two years, and some other things, but before this happened we used to sit down and talk about the things that were potential problems and try to either find solutions or ways to compromise. But at that time, there had been nothing.<br>Anyway I just wanted to tell you that everything is possible. My husband went to the point of packing to leave, but never left ( except emotionally - he was completely withdrawn for a while )And slowly it became possible to rebuild. This happened about 9 months ago, and it's still in early stages, but we're working on it and it seems to be working. On December 27th while attending a wedding my husband said for the first time since this happened that he really loves me, decided that we should renew our vows and gave me hope that sometime soon I will be able to trust him again. Looking back and thinking about all the things he told me at that time, remembering that I thought that there was no way we would be able to get our marriage back, it makes me feel very happy that I kept trying and that we were actually able to get trough this rough time.<br>Please think positive, everything can happen. There are a lot of us in this board that can testify that. All of us still have a long way to go, and it will be difficult at times. We will still have to keep working to strenghten our marriages ( like everybody else ) but we are proof that it can happen.<br>Take care, <br>Katya

Dear Katya and Lor,<p>Thank god for your responses! I'm having a terrible morning: depressed, shaking, gagging, cannot stop the thoughts. I suppose you all know the feelings?<p>I just keep wondering: how long can i hold on before i crack up or stop feeling this way so regularly???<p>Some days are better, and some moments are better, but the truly painful moments feel like they're going to kill me! Sometimes, i am on the floor, just sobbing. Other times, i am fine. It helps so much to know that other people have had similar experiences, but i'm also very sorry for your pain.<p>Please say a prayer for me, and i will do the same for everyone here. Also, please keep me posted on how you are coping.

To Disillusioned--here's a big (((HUG))) for you. I have certainly been in your shoes and I know it is VERY hard. The best advice I have to give to you is what has worked for me. You have to believe that you are strong and remember that you came into this world alone and you will leave alone; so the only person you have to please is yourself. You will have better days than others for awhile but do things that you enjoy. Go out with friends (I never could have gotten through this without mine), start exercising, take a pottery class, do volunteer work...anything so that you are not just sitting home alone all the time. You would be amazed at how much the little things help. But remember, it's only been a little while since your husband has been gone...so, just take one day at a time and the more you focus on yourself and not him, the more he will wonder why--I'm living proof of that.<p>I'm not sure if you have contacted your husband at all or if you are "chasing" him; but if you are STOP NOW. Also, pick up the book Divorce Busting--it really changed my outlook. Basically, the more you chase someone and the more you care, the less the other person does. It's kinda like a see-saw effect--but hopefully you end up coming to a compromise. The longer he doesn't hear about you, hear from you, or see you and especially if he hears that you are happy and going on with your life without him--that will make him start to evaluate his life and his feelings for you. I believe alot of men (and some women too) think the grass may be greener on the other side; so they must go exploring, however, in the back of their mind they still want the security of knowing that their spouse is waiting at home for them to go back to if they choose. I'm not saying that he will definately want to come back but give him time to be by himself or date around or whatever he wants to do--you CANNOT change his mind for him, nor would you want too. I can tell you that chasing him or "pining" away for him will only push him farther and faster away. If he doesn't come back, then by focusing on YOU, you will be that much stronger anyway. You have to remember, what is HE going to do to get YOU back, not the other way around. Personally, I do not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me because I deserve better and I think I am a wonderful wife and person--and if the husband doesn't realize that--it's his loss. Believe me, it has taken me awhile to get to this STRONG point but after time you get tired of feeling sorry for yourself and you decide to take control of your own life instead of letting him control it. Get the book I referred to and also check into getting counseling for yourself (it's really helped me), and again do things that make YOU happy.<p>As for my situation, I believe my last post indicated I had moved out of the house and within a few weeks my husband was calling again. I had never contacted him; as far as I was concerned he had fell off the face of the earth. Like I said, when you don't contact them and when they think you don't give a rat's [censored] about them; that's when they REALLY start wondering about their decisions. My husband sent me a Christmas card with lots of apologies included and he called me on Christmas day crying because he doesn't know what's wrong with him. We have both come to the conclusion that obviously the problem is something other than us--I have reason to believe that he suffers from chronic depression and he is in the process of trying to get some help for it. There has been talk of me coming home and he has called me everyday since Christmas and we have gone out quite a few times. But, he knows that I can make it with or WITHOUT him. It seems like previously I was taking responsibility for HIS life and mine, therefore he was never forced to take control of his own life. I no longer try to convince him of anything; I give him the facts as I know them and I insist that he make his own decisions about his life; if he makes the right decisions than great, if not than he will suffer the consequences. He knows what I need; if he can't give it, that's his decision. Each person is responsible for their own life and choices; it's just hopefully you can find some way to meet in the middle.<p>Finally, remember what a strong woman you are. Obviously you made it through life fine before he came along; you can do it again if you have too--I have faith in you. Oh yea, our 5 year wedding anniversary is Jan 7th; so I'm waiting to see what he does. If he does nothing, I have my best friends on stand-by to go out with me that night--so I know I'll be fine--and so will you--believe in yourself and that you are a "catch" to anyone who is lucky enough to have YOU.<p>Keep me posted--remember a new year just started, make this a new year of strength!!

Dear Disillusioned,<br>I know all about the physical manifestations. Heart palpitations & pain, shaking, uncontrollable crying. I threw up when my husband told me he was leaving again. I made it to the bathroom, but it was a nasty business. And noisy.<p>I heartily recommend exercise. I joined a gym 2 1/2 months ago. For me and my health. It helps tremendously with stress and gives me a sense of control over SOMETHING and the new muscle tone and weight loss improves my self esteem. With owning a business, single parenting 2 adolescents, I don't have the time for it, but I'm making time anyway.<p>I made plans last night with a friend, asked my H to be with the kids and despite his depression he showed a lot of interest in what I was doing. Early this morning he came by the house to take out the garbage. He didn't come in the house, but it was a thoughtful thing to do. Today he is supposed to go in to get an anti-depressant. I wish he had done it 6 months ago. Be strong. Do stuff.

Disillusioned - yup -going through all the same stuff. Lost 15 lbs in 6 weeks - can't eat, clothes all falling off...<p>Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth... had to go out of state - mom was in the hospital over the holidays.<p>What Shery says is true- we have to be strong for ourselves. What will come after that will come. I go from sobs one second to fits of rage the next, to despair, to confidence... I guess that with time things will settle. My H left divorce papers for me on my desk for my return... great! now I have to sleep in this "home" - makes me sick to my stomach just walking through the door.<p>J

Dear Sherry - <p>thanks for your words of strength. I guess we are all just on different parts of this "broken marriage" path, and frankly it seems that I walk the same path forward and backward many times a day.<p>After my return home, my H contacted me, and was more in a hurry than ever to get things separated, filed and over with. I think one of the things I am having the most trouble with is trying to understand how he is so sure of his love being turned off. I still love him deeply, and though I am now giving in to the anger of having my life being turned inside out, and my love being rejected, I still feel so much pain, and I still can hear that little voice that says "if only he apologized sincerely and said he wanted to try again...". I just don't understand why he doesn't have that same little voice that tells him that even though he feels hurt by me, that he still cares enough to try again.<p>So now we are talking about divying up the loot so to speak - and all I can think is how will these tings make up for all of the broken plans we had together??? They won't. Yes, in replies to my other post I was told to slow the process down... but I feel unable to do so. It would be vicious from my side - and I have to stick to being fair, if only for my own moral reasons.<p>So 1999 will be a year of renewal for me. I only wonder how I will ever be able to open my heart again to a partner in marriage. This was my first time - I gave myself completely, and realized that I got fake returns.<p>Janet<br>

Hey , everybody! <p>Thanks so MUCH for your hugs and responses. I am in a MUCH better state of mind today, than i was recently. (My mom recommended Unisom to help me sleep----WHAT a life-saver)!!!!!!!<p>Anyhow, i, too, go from despair, to indifference, to hatred, to anger, to hope. It's exhausting. I got on the internet, though, and found a support group called DivorceCare (for separated/divorced people), and i went to a group last night, and WOW was it HELPFUL!! It really helped me see that people can get on with their lives, and that YES it does take time (one woman said it took her five years to et mover it)!<p>Anyhow, please check it out for yourselves. Janet, i think it might be really helpful for you. Everyone keep posting!!! And, thanks for your knid words when i needed them most!!! p.s. we go to marriage counseling this Friday. i'm a little nervous! TAKE CARE. Remember, ME FIRST.