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Joined: Apr 2000
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rrunrr Offline OP
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I feel so dead.<BR> <BR>The attorney wants to know next week if I am retaining him. <P>My MIL was taken down to my W's (in Eugene) for the holiday and will be bringing her back this afternoon. I love my MIL because she has been the best friend through all this.<P>I called my W before she left to ask if she would stop by the house when she gets here so I can ask about another mediation session. I would rather be in mediation than court. If she will just be honest for once, I would not think about retaining him. However, her deceptive behavior continues since the A started at over two and a half years ago.<P>I can't believe what I see, or don't see, in her. All the Christian principles seem to have disappeared!<P>There are a few bridges enroute from here. If it weren't for the fact that the water is cold...and a long way down?<P>Just thought I would throw this out for good and bad reactions, or comments about the upcoming meeting in a couple hours.<P>rrunrr<BR>

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So sorry about all this. Seems like sometimes you can't win for losing.<P>Are you asking for recommendations or do you need to have shoulders to lean on. I have a recommendation. But instead of offering it now, I'll give you a chance to answer. Then, take it from there.<P>But accept a prayer offered on your behalf, anyway.

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rrunrr Offline OP
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Mostly the prayers and shoulders.<BR>The prayers I gave at the candlelight service Sunday night were for a new aquaintance with problems with her X and children. So, I didn't prepare well for this mornings meeting.<BR> <BR>The suggestions will be looked at seriously.<P> I will leave in an hour to "rescue" my young cat from the vet. Then, dreadingly, I will meet with my W.<BR>Hope I don't screw THAT up too much.<P>Thanks for responding.<BR>rrunrr<BR>

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You may not like my answer/advice. And it is only that. I am not the omnicient, omnipresent one.<P>I just believe that sometimes you have to do what you have to do - no matter how unpleasant. Like pay bills. Don't want to but you have to.<P>First of all, I would pray unceasingly. If nothing else, pray for peace and the right attitude. This is someone you once, or maybe still do, loved. The goal is to find peace - preferrably together though that is not always possible. The next goal is for no one to get hurt any more than is necessary.<P>So, I would have the meeting. Try to work out as much with your wife as you can. But I would, if you like the attorney, retain the attorney. Frankly, you need someone to make sure you are not making big mistakes. Every part of the settlement you can work out and take to the attorney to put in the papers, is that much you don't have to pay big bucks for. They should use whatever you take them and they should be able to tell you what is good and what isn't. After all, the deal isn't done until the ink is on the paper.<P>Therefore, working out through guided or self-done mediation may cost you less but you still need an attorney to do the paperwork correctly.<P>Retain them but do as much as you can on your own. Does that make sense?<P>Take this for what it's worth - it is my opinion. May God be with you on the endeavour.<BR>

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I have to agree with her royal majesty, the lovely Princess Cinderella on this one. It hurts so much to be betrayed like this, to see the person you love change before your very eyes, and to see everything you believed in and put all your weight on just be pulled out from under you. <P>BUT, the unfortunate truth is that your stbx has proven that she is not honest with you. Thus, it would not be in your own best interest to trust her or "pretend" she'll be honest this time. I know you want her to, with all your heart, but it ain't gonna happen. I'm so sorry. {{{{{rrunrr}}}}}<P>I'm not saying you should become viscious or start lying yourself. No, in fact I would challenge you to continue to be an EXAMPLE of the very Christian values you believe in so strongly. What I am saying is that you need to look out for your own self and your own best interests. That is not contrary to the kind of example you are trying to set--in fact it supports the idea of accountability and consequences. Throughout both the Old and New Testaments, God has made it very clear that some behaviors just are not pleasing to Him, and if you choose those behaviors (which He gave us the free will to choose), then you will accountable for your choice and you will suffer the consequences. <P>rrunrr, one of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story of King David. Even his NAME means "beloved", he was so loved by God. Yet this man, this human who was the man after God's own heart and the apple of God's eye, saw a woman and lusted for her. Then he had her husband killed so he could have her for his own. He was accountable for what he had done, and he paid the consequence, but he repented and remained the apple of God's eye. If it can happen to King David, it can happen for any one of us. Yet God didn't let him off scott-free--he had to suffer the consequences of his decision and he lost a child.<P>rrunrr, if your stbx has abandoned her Christian principles and has been deceptive and had an A, then it is reasonable that she have a consequence for her action. Now, by the laws of THIS land, they don't really hold the abandoning spouse accountable. But even the laws of this land say that the property should be divided equally, etc. They are not nearly as harsh as they could be...but to keep hoping that she'll be honest and putting your trust in her for at least the part that is rightfully yours by the laws of this land--well, it's just not wise.<P>Listen to the wise council around you--stick to YOUR Christian values--be an EXAMPLE of the kind of behavior you would like to see--and if you click with this attorney, retain him/her to look out for your best interests at a time when you are feeling weak.<P>Last but not least, DEFINATELY come here for shoulders to cry on, hugs, and encouragement. I know this is so awful and so hard, but you can do it. Be the bigger person, and behave in a way that you are proud of. And you want to hear what I learned the other day? When you feel discouraged and you want to give up because it's not making any difference, keep on moving. Keep on learning, growing, praying and being the person you were meant to be. <P>You are in my thoughts and prayers today and tonight,<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

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rrunrr,<P>My advice is to follow your heart, but retain the attorney. I love my wife dearly, but same as you, I have learned that I can't trust her actions. The one thing I keep reminding myself is that I love my wife, but don't have to agree or like her actions. Same as with God, He may always love us all, but often He very much dislikes our actions.<P>If you stay true to your beliefs, your convictions and your heart, no matter what your wife does - you will be victorious. For you will be able to walk away with your head held high. Protect yourself, but not in such a way where you are attacking your wife (it is a very fine line!).<P>Don't judge your wife's Christian principles, instead focus on your own. Keep your anger at bay. She will one day have to attone for her behavior.<P>I agree with cinderalla in that you need to retain the attorney, if for only his counsel. Mediation is the road I hope my wife and I follow, but as of right now it is in our lawyer's laps.<P>Finally before making any decisions, pray over them - really pray. AND LISTEN for the answers. They may not come in the instant you make your request, but they will come when needed.<P>Know that you have a very good gift in your MIL - Mine "was" one of my best friends, but since all this has happened she has chosen to blindly believe and support her daughter - while basically disowning me as some wretched husband. I can not blame her, but I did expect more out of her based upon her own Christian beliefs.<P>Good luck with all and God Bless. <P>Mike

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rrunrr Offline OP
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Well, its all moot. Either she didn't stop by or I was tide up at the vet too long.<BR>(That vet was distractingly friendly to me, and it was my first time there.)<P>I guess, though it is history, I can tell her I will seek councel for finding out the options. Of course it cannot , or should not, sound like a threat. Otherwise I become her.<BR>

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rrunrr Offline OP
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Now for a new twist in all this.<P>I heard from BIL's GF that my MIL was hospitalized for a couple days due to another TIA. That, and my W's nonparticipation with helping with her, is causing bigger problems with the brothers.<P>IMO, I would like to ask for the filing to be delayed until the situation can be worked out.<P>It sounds like she, MIL, may well have to be taken out of her house.<P>(I am being concidered to be the adopter of the cat.)<P><BR>I guess I should answer the filing and ask her to get the family situation straightened out. The meeting with the attorney is now even more crucial, I guess.<P>

Joined: Nov 2000
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If she has already filed and there is a date by which you are to answer, you have little choice. <P>I can think of worse things than being the adopter of the cat. Better to live with a cat than with someone who treats you with contempt. Sorry about the mother in law though.


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