I'm a little confused. I've been married for five years now and my wife is still nothing like what I imagined a wife to be. Because of this disappointment, I feel like I am moving further and further away from her, or really even wanting to have anything to do with her. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that can't be healthy!? My dilemma is this, we have a beautiful 4-year old girl, whose heart I don't think I could ever break. I don't want her growing up without a father. My father and I are best friends and that means a lot to me. I want her to have the same thing, but is that end worth the means of living in a house with parents who are not in love with each other? I see my wife as overweight, sloppy, lazy and a "hypochrondriac wannabe". No care for herself or for her household. In the past I thought maybe I was being too hard on her or expecting too much; but whenever I compromise, things get even worse. I do not advocate divorce, in fact I actually abhor it, but I don't really know what my other options are. Help!? If I rambled I apologize, this was my first post!

Mitch,<p>Was your wife like this before you married her or is this something that has started since? Also did it start after she had the baby? One step would be to find out why your wife is the way she is. It could be more than just laziness and lack of care. Have you told your wife in a non judgemental way how you feel? First of all you really don't have the right to say anything about her weight. She is who she is whether she is overweight or not. But I think as far as cleaning the house goes you have some right as long as you are helping her to do it. You didn't say if she was a stay at home mom or if she worked. Why did you marry her in the first place? Are the things you loved about her gone or did you think you could turn her into someone you could love? There has to be more to the story. <p>Steph

Thanks for the quick reply. This is something that has been going on and I'd like to try to find a solution quickly. You asked why I married her in the first place-- to be honest I don't really know. She's very nice, and everyone I knew liked her. But we never really did date. I was stationed in Texas while she lived in Mississippi. I don't remember really looking for a marital relationship, everything just kind of happened. And then she got pregnant almost immediately after we got married. We never did get to find out who each other was. But growing up with families that scorn divorce, I guess we just tried to make the most of it. The thing that really bothers me is this: I was a virgin when we got married, she was not, no problem; but I remember the relationships that I had with previous girlfriends and I made the most of it by being romantic, thoughtful, and caring-- just doing the little things. But now, for the woman I'm married to, it seems like a chore. And here's a twist: I care for my daughter the way I should be caring for my wife (i.e spending time wiht her, showing her affection, and just being a great friend) (notice not in a sick kind of way either! Ahem). And yes, I do almost all of the hosehold chores. She does work but takes more time off from work than she does going to it. I really don't mean to paint a nasty picture of her she is truly a sweet person, but I'm not sure if she's the sweet person for me!? I would have loved to have had more time before we got married, but it seemed she just wanted to abandon her previous lifestyle and run. Sometimes I feel like she looked at me as her ticket out of a one-horse town. I dunno!? Thanks for the input; it's good to have a sounding board who doesn't even know me!

Mitch,<p>Have you talked to her about this? Have you told her the feelings that you are having? Maybe she has no clue as to what is going on. I don't know, maybe she doesn't care to have a clue. I think you need to sit down and decide if this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I would also think if she is someone you can stay with just for your daughter. Keep in mind this could cause more kids to come, and make things even more difficult. I think you have some soul searching to do. Too bad you couldn't do it before you married her. I'll be here to listen while you figure it out. As we all will be. <p>Steph

Steph: I don't know that this will help Mitch's situation at all, but something you said caught my eye.<p>"First of all you really don't have the right to say anything about her weight. She is who she is whether she is overweight or not."<p>In our marriage, I am the one who needs to lose some weight. My wife used to bug me about this, partially for cardio-health reasons, but also 'cause she just wanted me to look more fit. My resentful reaction was a common one: What difference does it make? I'll be the same person. Why should she 'love' me more just 'cause I'm thinner? And if she does, would I want such a shallow and superficial love?<p>After reading HNHN, I realized that my wife wasn't being shallow or superficial, just expressing a legitimate emotional need of hers. And I'm now trying to meet that need. Of course, if she's expecting "Mr. Bare Chest" from the romance novel covers, she's gonna be disappointed! <p>As for me, I like the way my wife wife looks now. When her depression/pain first started, she lost a lot of weight, and looked WAY too thin. Now she's gained most of it back, and she thinks she needs to lose a few pounds, but it sure doesn't bother me. In fact, if some extra pounds would make my wife more affectionate and sexual towards me, I'd take that deal in a heartbeat!

Doug,<p>There is a difference between encouraging someone to lose weight to look healthy and telling them that they are fat and lazy. I think an important thing to note is that a persons lovability should not depend on what weight they are. You may have seen it as a justifiable need, but I don't. I wasn't exactly thin when I got married. Then four years of going through infertility and horomone injections caused me to gain 60 pounds. I gained it all from the horomones and the stress of infertility. This was not something that I had any control over. I excercised daily and watch what I ate yet the weight still did not come off or stay off. When I stopped the treatments it started to come off but it took a long time. At which point do you think it would have been fair for my H to tell me that I was fat? I can see wanting your spouse to be a clean and kept person but that is different from losing weight. Besides, a person is not going to lose weight just because someone else told them to. You are losing for yourself, not for her. I think that is how it should be. <p>Just a side note. I'm 30 lbs. smaller now than I was when we got married and my H wishes I were heavier. It's not that I'm too thin (I have 20 more to lose) . Part of what attracted him to me was that I was on the large side. Like I said in another post. I'm not the woman he married but he has learned (his words) to love the new me. <p>Steph

Ooops! Maybe I painted the wrong picture of my wife. She has had health problems because of her weight (and she's nt even obese), and I have tried to work with her on several occasions to help her, but she never follows through with it. I try to be as sensitive as I can when mentioning it. And I agree, no matter what any says, unless you want to change (in this case to lose weight) no one can make you do it. I play handball five days a week, I'm the coach for our adult soccer team, I run, and lift weights, but that's me and I can't expect her to be like me, but what I would like her to do is take a little pride in herself, no matter what her weight. She seems to have very little self respect, and esteem and no matter what I say or how I say it, sees it as me tearing her down, you talk about frustrating and exhausting. I really do think she's a great person, my question is what do I do if I don't think that she's the great person for me!?

Mitch,<p>I come back to the question I have been asking you all along. Have you told her what you are feeling? Not what is happening but what you are feeling? Have you suggested counseling to her? Have you tried reading any of the books from this site? There are some good questionaires about needs and are they being met. <p>Steph<p>P.S. I don't think any of us think poorly of our spouses. I have said the same thing you just said. He is a great person but is he the right one for me.

Steph:<p>Congrats on the 30-pound loss! Betcha feel better all over, huh? And believe me, I sympathize with anyone battling to lose those pounds that seem all too indestructable! I've been fighting that fight all my life. I was even a big baby! (Sorry, Mom.)<p>But HNHN made me realize that, if I don't want my wife to trivialize or invalidate MY emotional needs, then I can't trivialize or invalidate HER emotional needs. So IF it would please my wife for me to lose weight and appear more 'fit', then she has a legitimate emotional need, by definition. And my Giver sees the benefit to pleasing her this way. But, for me to ALSO be enthusiastic about losing weight, my Taker has to be convinced of the health and social benefits to ME. (That's where the 'losing weight for ME' comes in, I think.)<p>I believe Dr. Harley also says that the need-meeting spouse should not have to suffer in order to meet the need. So, if my wife's need is so extreme that I would have to starve myself to meet it, then clearly, I would suffer, and I couldn't be enthusiastic either. A compromise would be in order. The same guidelines would apply to a guy who, for some reason, wants his wife to look like an anorexia poster-child. THAT level of need could only be met through the suffering of the wife--clearly a violation of the PJA.<p>Well, that's just my take on things. And remember, with my opinions, you get what you pay for!

Doug,<p>I love your opinions. I think I got my money's worth.<p>Steph