I've been watching this forum for a while and I like some of the responses people have. I am therefore asking for opinions on my problem. <P>I have been divorced for almost a year. The divorce came all too easy where I come from. We went to counseling like my Ex wanted but I wasn't happy with the pysch. I should have tried a different one but I was being stupid. I felt she gave up and she felt I gave up. Therefore we divorced. I later learned that she hadn't given up. I hadn't either. We just stopped talking about us and started talking about the big D.<P>She also had someone come into her life about that time so I have to wonder if she saw "greener pastures". At any rate I still want to work things out but she is in a serious relationship with this guy. She seems more in love with him than she ever was with me. She wants to date him for a while before she considers trying again with me but I feel she is seeing if he is better, if not she'll come back. Am I wrong to think this way? Am I being unfair? <P>Our children talk to me and say they really don't like him, at least as a potential replacement. I tell them that maybe they should tell her but they are afraid too. Am I wrong here as well? I don't want her to think I'm trying to use the children as leverage.<P>I'm sort of being pushy because I fear the longer I wait the more likely she'll not want to try again. Maybe I'm pressuring too hard even though I try not to. Anybody have any helpful advice? We really did have a good marriage except for a few issues that we could resolve if we tried. I don't want to wait too long because I need to move on too but if there is a chance to rebuild what we had then I would like to. I just can't tell her that without her taking it the wrong way or feeling I'm pressuring her.<P>Has anybody been in a similar situation? Here is your Ex dating someone else and saying they may get back to you if it doesn't work out. It is highly unconformtable!

Hi Aris,<P>I'm not really an expert, but it sounds to me as if she's using you as a safety net. If Mr. Wonderful turns back into the frog, she'd like to have you to come back to, safe and secure. Is that what you want? What if after Mr. Wonderful #1, she comes back to you for awhile & then sees another model she'd like to take for a test drive?<P>I think you can see where I'm going with this. In my opinon, I think it's time for plan B.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Aris:<BR><B>I felt she gave up and she felt I gave up. Therefore we divorced. I later learned that she hadn't given up. I hadn't either. We just stopped talking about us and started talking about the big D.<P>I still want to work things out but she is in a serious relationship with this guy. She wants to date him for a while before she considers trying again with me but I feel she is seeing if he is better, if not she'll come back. Am I wrong to think this way? Am I being unfair? <P>Maybe I'm pressuring too hard even though I try not to. Anybody have any helpful advice? if there is a chance to rebuild what we had then I would like to.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not sure it's time for Plan B because I don't see that there has ever been a Plan A. So look at what Plan A is all about, and try that. <P>She must not feel pressure. She must feel attraction. Patience will allow the rebound relationship (can't call it an affair, can we?) to run its course, lack of patience will cement it, or worse, destroy it with you to blame and so it's on to the next one.<P>

Aris,<P>Welcome to the MB board. I think there are a lot of people here that have been in a similar predicament. <P>My ex put me in that spot once too. I am divorced now, but basically, he wanted to "test it out" with OW and kept the door open with me. It made me feel like crap.<P>I Plan A'd but I saw the exH falling for OW too and I didn't like being used.<P>My suggestion would be to read His Needs, Her Needs, BY Dr Harley, and Private Lies, By Dr. Pittman. I would also read Rebuilding After a Divorce(don't remember author offhand). I would go thru the MB site and read all you can on Plan A, as well as some postings from those who have had success from Plan A, (try the recovery board if its still around).<P>You could Plan A and that would be a start. <P>In the meantime, I would NOT use the kids at all in this no matter what. Its too much pressure for them. Matter of fact, counseling for them wouldn't hurt either. And if you and ex ever work things out, the counseling will have been in place and they could use it in that instance too. They need a safe adult to talk to that is not mom or dad because no matter what, they are in the middle and they are the biggest victims of the divorce/break up.<P>It does sound like your ex is using you as a fall back. Is that what you want if you ever do get a second chance with her? To feel like you were second choice? You want to be NUMBER ONE! We all deserve that much. <P>Sometimes, Plan A, leads to Plan B and you actually fall out of love. That is always a possibility. <P>Also, are you sure the OM came around the same time as the discussion of Divorce and he wasn't there BEFORE hand. A lot of people are so willing to jump to divorce when they have someone else to fall back on. Many don't dare make that leap on their own. THose are the same ones who fall in that fog of the affair, and really your ex is not taking proper time to heal over you before going to this OM. <P>I wish you the best in your efforts to save your marraige, be sure to post when you need help and encouragement and reply to others here if you can offer them the same support.<P>Good luck ,<BR>Dana<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by DanaB:<BR><B>It does sound like your ex is using you as a fall back. Is that what you want if you ever do get a second chance with her? To feel like you were second choice? You want to be NUMBER ONE! We all deserve that much. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The focus on who is first and second choice is too ego-driven for my tastes. Human relationships are too complex to look at in that way, except for very shallow relationships involving very stupid people. <P>The way I look at it, a good Plan A moves you ahead of the "other" in all the ways that matter. It's up to the WS to see it and return; but if they don't, you're still standing taller than you were and after Plan B you're ready to move on. <P>