I am soooo confused...These last few weeks I have made the decision to move on...let go and start a new life...<P>H calls and wants to come home...<BR>Said it is all over with him and OW and the holidays made him realize how much he misses his famly ...me included. <BR>Said he wants his old life back....<BR>I said but that is the reason you said you lfet in the first place..He said well I thought the grass was greener but it isn't...<BR>Last time he was in town he lived with his friends but this time he wants to move back in here...to really work at being married again.....<P>You can imagine how confused I am..the last time he came back I welcomed him with opened arms but then he left again ...so now I am gun shy....<P>He said we were always a good team and "Do you think we can make this work.." I said I always knew it would take the both of us...but are you ready? He said I am ready to Try and I want it to work.....<P>He said he wanted to drop all divorce proceedings ...<P>Please I know this has to be my own decision but AM I doing the right thing by letting him come back....?<P>HELP HELP HELP!!!!!

Wow sounds great but can understand your hesistancy.<P>Maybe you should take some time to really think about this and maybe you could "date" for a time before he moves back in.<P>It makes you wonder if it is just the nostalgic feelings of the holiday season that will soon pass or if he is really sincere. You know him best though.<P>Take some time and think about things you need from him in order to let him back in your life: No contact letter to ow, counseling, accountability for his whereabouts, access to any email, vmail, pagers etc.<P>Maybe post over on GQ/recovery forum for more advice.

I don't want to sound really negative but please take this really slow! I didn't and I learned my lesson all to well.<BR>My H begged me to let him come home after he was living with OW for about 2 months. He told me alot of the same things your H is telling you. I tried to play it cool and made him wait a month before coming home. I went through hell with him. He was in such big withdrawel that he pretty much was a basketcase for at least 3 months. Once I helped him through withdrawel and though it was time to really concentrate on us he was on to OW2. We are now divorced and he has told me many times that if he could come home he would but I've been down that deadend road before.<BR>I'm not saying to blow him off but just be careful.<P>Jill<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

I heard those words after my husband moved out. But all they were was words. He was incapable of doing anything more than that. <P>Among my prerequisites for considering this would be counseling before any decisions are made. Together. Bearing in mind that the first counselor is not always the right one, I would not consider reconciliations something to be rushed into. You could put the divorce on the back burner. But get professional counseling before you do anything more with it.<P>However, I would like to see it work out for the best - preferrably that the marriage be better than ever.

Hi Tyra,<P>I hate to be the bearer of more bad news, but that also happened to me and much of the exact same words were said to me as well.<P>I think some of it, is that the WS goes thru withdrawal of their spouse as well . They also have way too much control over us.<P>I agree. Go very slow. I would say my conditions would have been (I'd never do it again, but thats me), Counseling, Church, Sit down with all the close family and ask for their support AND HELP in rebuilding the relationship, you need supporters, not people waiting in the background to say "I told you so".<P>I wouldn't live together, not for a while. This is more serious than meeting someone totally new after divorce and deciding to live together or even marry. <P>Your husband is not the same man you married. The marriage will never be the same, and you are not the same anymore. You can still go on to a happy marraige, a better one than before, but it could be a good year until you feel comfortble.<P>Also, my ex and I split for a year when we were 21 too. For a year. And when we reconciled, it took a whole year for me to trust him again and feel comfortable. I was on eggshells and didn't know if I really wanted this again. Unfortunately 6 years later, I went thru it again. THen while we were split, I heard the same thing you just did.<P>In the end, he chose OW, AGAIN. <P>Be very careful. The devestation of being left over and over is much worse than the initial blow of DISCOVERY.<P>I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you. But if I had to say anything to you, besides what you already know, this has to be YOUR decision and I know you will get the support you need from all of us here, but just because "HE" wants to try again, doesn't mean he should get the right to waltz back in now that he left, over and over, and to another state at one point, didn't he??? <P>Make a list of all the positive reasons you still love him and why you REALLY want this. Be sure its not out of loneliness. Be sure you understand that you are a strong woman and if you chose NOT to do this, you'll survive, and meet someone else someday.<P>Make a list of all the hurtful things he did. Search deep in yourself and figure out if you can truly forgive, but don't forget that you will never forget.<P>Come up with your terms. He owes you a lot. He is going to have to understand that while he's in withdrawal, you are going to battle insecurities everytime he's 5 minutes late from work, or if he wants to go out with the "guys", basically anytime he's not in your sight, or is quiet or something, your gonna be battling it for a while.<P>Ask around for a good counselor, one who specializes in marraige recovery (something (I want to do when my kids are a little older, to go to school for that). If you don't like the counselor, get a new one. <P>In the meantime, sorry this is so long. I just know that I've been down this road, 3 times now and I probably am over skeptical. <P>Good luck,<BR>HUgs, Dana<BR>

Tyra, <P>I think it is wonderful that he may be coming out of his fog, and realizing what he is losing...and everyone here has given you some good advice. <P>I think you should call Steve at MB and arrange some counseling. When this happened to me he told me that without a plan to restore your marriage, it may not work. The plan is important!!!! Just wanting to come back and "try" again is not enough. <P>If you still love him and want your marriage, be totally honest about your concerns without LB. Get him to commit to the counseling. Many here have put their marriage back in place with Steves' help. It can be done!!<P>Good luck to you...it can happen...but it takes much work and BOTH of you!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Tyra,<P>That is indeed good news!!!!<P>In some respects I agree with everyone here - take it slow and take it seriously (counseling, complete dismissal of OW, complete and utter commitment by both of you to the marriage).<P>Re-reading some of the posts, many have a negative undertone. Nothing against the lovely people that posted, but keep in mind where we are posting "divorced/divorcing". Without any postive concrete evidence, I make the assumption that for every person here who had a "bad" experience with their WS returning, there are most likely the positive stories about marriages that were not only restored, but taken to a whole new level of joy. Unfortunately, for those who have had this success, they probably do not return here (at least not on a regular basis). Me personally, if my wife came back and things did work out, my returning to this board would only naturally diminish over time - I would be too wrapped up in working on the success of my marriage.<P>I guess all that I am trying to say is to listen to what is said here, but also take it with the knowledge of where all of us are in our lives.<P>After writing this, I want to make a promise to all here that "if" things with my wife ever work out, I will make it a commitment to return here every now and then to let everyone else know how things are going. I think it is important for people like us going through this difficult times in our lives to hear the "success stories".<P>If you still love him, if you want your marriage to succeed, take a chance. Sure the risks are great, but so will be the rewards if everything works out.<P>And most importantly, pray for God to heal your marriage - It is in Him that you both were joined, and nothing is too great for Him to fix.<P>God Bless and Happy New Year!<P>Mike

Tyra, <P>Where are you??<P>Sorry if I was negative in my reply, I just remember the pain and sadness that surrounded this same instance for me. This will be YOUR decision and we WANT you to succeed!! Just be very careful and protect yourself. <P>And yes, I would LOVE to read some success stories!!! I hate the thought of so many people divorcing, especially when I have 3 daughters of my own and the odds are, they will go thru what we are too and it makes me very sad.<P>Good luck, hugs and prayers, Dana<BR>

Thanks to all that replied. <BR>I am still here...just having a hard time sorting this all out.<P>So Tired thanks for the positive words...I knew when I wrote this on this board that I would get the response from those that DID let thier WS return and still end up in Divorce....<P>I wanted to hear what they had to say. I know from reading the recovery board that there have been those that came back and it is still a work in progress.<P>I did write him yesterday and sent him the article on POJA and asked him if he would consider agreeing to it? At first he said I seem to structured but that it couldn't hurt.<BR>He wanted to reread it and try to understand it and he would get back to me...<BR>See I know thier our issues that are lurking in the back of my mind that must be resolved and without the POJA I don't want to feel maniuplated into HIS way or nothing...<P>He thinks we don't need couples counseling but says he will go to individual counseling.<BR>I know he is suffering from depression big time and it's not just as a result of the affair. So I agree that must happen, but I also think couples counseling will help us learn new ways of dealing with the aftermath of the past 18 months and therefore give us a better chance of staying together forever.<P>I have my own life now...doing what I want when I want...<BR>I know he is not the same man I married and fear this stranger moving back into my life.<BR>I want to think my "former H " is still there but I haven't seen him yet and that scares the S*** out of me.<BR>I'm hoping seeing him again will revive those old feelings...but I'm afraid he will come back, knock on my door and they won't be there and yet I have agreed to let this stranger stay in my house...Then what????<BR>I always told myself I would give him another chance IF he really wanted to try...<BR>That was before I finally gave up on him...and NOW he says he is ready....<BR>Just not sure I am ready to get back on that DAmn rollercoaster again....<P>A month ago <B>I </B> finally got off the ride.<P>Tyra

I can't tell you how much I have wanted to here those very words. I say go for it, but get some good marital therapy, make changes necessary, pray like craze for him.<P>I will pray for you and him!

Tyra,<P>You deserve peace, happiness and love.<P>I hope you will find it this year!!<BR>Hugs,Dana<BR>

Thanks Dana...<P>It seems things are getting more complicated than I expected. Received an e-mail from H..he may have a good job opportunity in Kansas .Wants me to consider moving there.<BR>So that means moving away from kids and grandchildren that HE claimed he wanted to be near...that was one of the reasons he wanted to come home....<P>My feelings well soemthing better came along...He knows I don't want to leave my family especially when things are still so uncertain between us...they have been my one constant support thru all this....<P>Maybe it would be better if I forget the whole thing and just keep moving forward.....<BR>Tyra<P>

{{{{{{{{Tyra}}}}}<P>I know what you mean about things changing. I'm going thru some junk tonite myself. I completely understand why your nervous. I think you will do whats best for you in the end. Its almost a pain having to reconsider it isn't it?<P>When I was in your shoes I had JUST decided to move on and felt strong again. Then I had this thrown in my lap, like now the final decision rest on me.<P>ANd I didn't like that at all!! I wished it hadn't even happened. But it did. More than once. And I got hurt every time, but my ex is very ruthless and I should have known better.<P>Good luck. Get some rest and do something nice for YOU to clear your head. <BR>Dana<BR>

Bump for Hope and others praying for the fog to lift....

OMG, someone who posted on this thread registered in 1969....

Hope thanks for bumping this...I wonder what became of Tyra and her M...

Oh it must be a mistake this forum said it wasnt started til 1996..I am just confused..What else is new.

UGGGGHHHH...Its not good news for Tyra...it was a short false recovery...This $uck$...I swear there is definitely very little good news after plan B has gone on more than a few months...